How to do the talking when it's done

[Billy Bob]

I haven't heard one on this site, but there are other sites such as divorcesupport.com and divorce360.com that are not as pessimistic as they are here.

 

Yeah, but those sites make money off you. Have to sell you the books or online classes.. very similar to making millions in real-estate with a three step course.

 

They prey on the broken hearted

[TrustInYourself]

I've read two stories of reconciliation.

 

HusbandInTheMaking, and another but I can't remember the name of the poster. Gunny referred the story. It happens.

 

I'm not saying it happens alot but to deny it happening is just trying to justify certain things you are trying to get us to see for ourselves.

 

When people are happy, they don't post here anymore. I hope one day I can walk away and tell you guys thanks.

 

I understand your concern, and the negative posts are meant to kick reality into me. Maybe I just need time to come to terms with the situation and come to terms with walking away. It's rough and it's a process that we have to accomplish on our own, unfortunately.

[SingleDad]

I've been posting threads on those sites for months with no charges or sales offers. They do not seem as active in postings as this site... I just wish there was more hope and suggestions for preventing divorce rather than flushing you marriage down the toilet and rebuilding a new life with someone else. I do not view marriage as a drive through commodity like fast food.

[n9688m]

When people are happy, they don't post here anymore. I hope one day I can walk away and tell you guys thanks.

 

Surely if your marriage or SingleDad's were reconciled and you lived happily ever after, you would post here with glee. Would you not?

[n9688m]

I do not view marriage as a drive through commodity like fast food.

 

Neither do I.

 

But our ex's do. And we have no control over that.

 

At first I was puzzled why our marriage counselor so quickly said things were futile. Now I understand - if only one person wants to fix the marriage, then there is no point.

[TrustInYourself]

SingleDad, I agree with your feelings on marriage. I'm trying to be a better man every day. Keep staying positive, but prepare yourself man. That's all. I think the negative posts are there to provide perspective.

 

I know it kills alot of people's hopes to read them, but if your marriage has a chance, you are going to be invincible to what they have to say. You are going to just be rock solid in your support and love.

 

LOL, I appreciate all the posts and responses I get.

 

Thank god for you guys. I could not keep my sanity without all of you.

 

I have my ups and downs. I hope you can forgive me for running you guys through my rollercoaster as I experience it.

[TrustInYourself]

Surely if your marriage or SingleDad's were reconciled and you lived happily ever after, you would post here with glee. Would you not?

 

No I'm sorry I wouldn't. I would live my life to the fullest and try to walk away from all this anger and hurt here on these forums.

 

The only reason why I would dare come back and post here, would be to check on you guys and hand out messages that give people hope and empower them about their own futures.

[n9688m]

No I'm sorry I wouldn't. I would live my life to the fullest and try to walk away from all this anger and hurt here on these forums.

 

Huh? You wouldn't at least post a farewell post thanking everyone for their help and reporting your good news? Surely you would do that.

[SingleDad]

I came to this forum and post to this forum to give people advice and hope and yes protective advice, rather than despair and (likely) cold hard reality... Most who post original threads including myself are in a state of agony as they are in the midst of their divorces and need some comfort in their angst.

 

Many responders have been divorced for years and are bitter about it. And yes, I may be one of them at some point in time.

[Billy Bob]

Neither do I.

 

But our ex's do. And we have no control over that.

 

At first I was puzzled why our marriage counselor so quickly said things were futile. Now I understand - if only one person wants to fix the marriage, then there is no point.

 

Hah.. my marriage counselor said the same thing!!! Of couse I was in shock by his statements as well... I thought a marriage counselor should help us rebuild our marriage and fix the problems... Problem was it was just me who wanted to save the marriage. It was obvious to the councelor. I was in denial.

 

I'm really not bitter and angry (as some here assume).. I really am a very happy person, I'm with a great gal now, have full physical custody of my 2 kids.. the ex-wife gets them every other weekend (which is when I play!!).. Sorry to sound so negative to some of you, just trying to dose some reality here.

 

I find it interesting how the same story plays out over and over and over.. it's like to a script, just different actors.. Quite often even the dialogue and lines are the same. The story seems to always end the same, no matter how hard or what the person who wants to save the marriage does..

 

It's also seems that once the person stops trying to save the marriage and walks away, stops caring, starts dating other people.. That's when the walk-away spouse usually comes crawling back for a second chance. They never seem to come back when you are groveling and whining about keeping the family together, going to counceling, or "crawling through broken glass for them".

 

Just my observations from going through it myself and watching others go through it.

[TrustInYourself]

Hah.. my marriage counselor said the same thing!!! Of couse I was in shock by his statements as well... I thought a marriage counselor should help us rebuild our marriage and fix the problems... Problem was it was just me who wanted to save the marriage. It was obvious to the councelor. I was in denial.

 

I'm really not bitter and angry (as some here assume).. I really am a very happy person, I'm with a great gal now, have full physical custody of my 2 kids.. the ex-wife gets them every other weekend (which is when I play!!).. Sorry to sound so negative to some of you, just trying to dose some reality here.

 

I find it interesting how the same story plays out over and over and over.. it's like to a script, just different actors.. Quite often even the dialogue and lines are the same. The story seems to always end the same, no matter how hard or what the person who wants to save the marriage does..

 

It's also seems that once the person stops trying to save the marriage and walks away, stops caring, starts dating other people.. That's when the walk-away spouse usually comes crawling back for a second chance. They never seem to come back when you are groveling and whining about keeping the family together, going to counceling, or "crawling through broken glass for them".

 

Just my observations from going through it myself and watching others go through it.

 

Oh I agree with this cta. The issue I have is, why does it have to come to us moving on completely? I'm the one driving all actions, so if we get a divorce, it's on me to do it. I think once I start she will get on board and help me.

 

You're right I see the same thing every time I come here. That's possibly the reason I come here, is to share the experience with those who understand.

 

As far as a final post, of course, I'd say good bye. But I wouldn't be on here posting 30 posts daily, that's for sure. I think at some point, this forum will mean less and less to me as I get over my feelings, one way or another.

[n9688m]

As far as a final post, of course, I'd say good bye. But I wouldn't be on here posting 30 posts daily, that's for sure. I think at some point, this forum will mean less and less to me as I get over my feelings, one way or another.

 

Agreed - but can you show me an example - even one - of that "final" happy post after the wife has moved out and gotten an attorney? I'd be pleased to see the exception but so far I haven't seen that happen yet. It seems those two items together are the kiss of death to a marriage.

[TrustInYourself]

Well he was a cop I know that. Let me do some digging. He had like 60 pages of postings showing his entire journey from the beginning to the end.

 

Give me some time, I'm at work. Something to mention as well, was that he divorced and it was finalized before he got his wife back.

[GreenEyedLady]

I came to this forum and post to this forum to give people advice and hope and yes protective advice, rather than despair and (likely) cold hard reality... Most who post original threads including myself are in a state of agony as they are in the midst of their divorces and need some comfort in their angst.

 

Many responders have been divorced for years and are bitter about it. And yes, I may be one of them at some point in time.

 

I've been divorced for 5 years now and I'm not bitter-I'm happy about it.

 

I think it's your perception of divorce is what causes you to label people bitter.

 

Is it comfort if everyone tells you everything will be ok and then it doesn't work out that way and you didn't see it coming?

 

When you are dealing with divorce, you have 2 people with often conflicting goals. I wanted to divorce, my XH did not. Now we did not have a bitter divorce but I bet you a million bucks he thinks he got shafted when he soooo did not.

 

It's your perception that shapes your reality. Alot of posters hope to help soften the blow before it strikes, kwim?

[TrustInYourself]

Why do I get the blow when I ask, "Is it over?" Why do I get the blow when I force the situation and demand an answer I know is going to be, "It's over, I want a divorce."

 

Then later on, after she reflects and makes some cryptic remarks about, "I want to wait until I go to counseling before I do anything." Asks me to stay the night after watching our daughter.

 

Why do I feel confused by this behavior? Because she's offering me hope and a chance to salvage our marriage if I'm patient and understanding and if I wait.

 

On the other hand, this could all just be my imagination and I could force this divorce and smile while I do it, knowing that I'll be okay either way. It's great how perception is everything, whereas truth means nothing.

[TrustInYourself]

I'm just going to back off again. I was doing so awesome when I had space away from her and I could just focus on myself.

 

The funny part then, was she thought that perhaps she wanted to be with me again. I'm going to back off and slowly start walking away. If she wants me, she can chase me. If not, I'm better off finding a woman who is willing to chase me. I just feel like I ruined it, and I'm sorry to my daughter for my part in the end of our marriage, if that's how it's going to be.

[Billy Bob]

The funny part then, was she thought that perhaps she wanted to be with me again. I'm going to back off and slowly start walking away. If she wants me, she can chase me. If not, I'm better off finding a woman who is willing to chase me. I just feel like I ruined it, and I'm sorry to my daughter for my part in the end of our marriage, if that's how it's going to be.

 

 

Amen! If she really wants you back and wants your relationship to work, let her do some work towards it! In my opinion, she likes to see if you are still on the hook.. you are her safety net..

 

You'll find a better one (and have fun looking), one that WANTS a relationship with you. I did and it feels soo much better that pleading for my ex-wife to love me.

 

Funny thing is my ex-wife has come crawling back several times since our divorce... I never took her back.

[TrustInYourself]

Amen! If she really wants you back and wants your relationship to work, let her do some work towards it! In my opinion, she likes to see if you are still on the hook.. you are her safety net..

 

You'll find a better one (and have fun looking), one that WANTS a relationship with you. I did and it feels soo much better that pleading for my ex-wife to love me.

 

Funny thing is my ex-wife has come crawling back several times since our divorce... I never took her back.

 

No remorse?

[GreenEyedLady]

Why do I get the blow when I ask, "Is it over?" Why do I get the blow when I force the situation and demand an answer I know is going to be, "It's over, I want a divorce."

 

Then later on, after she reflects and makes some cryptic remarks about, "I want to wait until I go to counseling before I do anything." Asks me to stay the night after watching our daughter.

 

Why do I feel confused by this behavior? Because she's offering me hope and a chance to salvage our marriage if I'm patient and understanding and if I wait.

 

On the other hand, this could all just be my imagination and I could force this divorce and smile while I do it, knowing that I'll be okay either way. It's great how perception is everything, whereas truth means nothing.

 

She's confused herself.

 

I don't know your story. Is she or has she cheated?

 

All I know from reading your post above is that you are giving her all the power here. Why is it up to her?

 

What if you don't stay the night after watching your daughter?

 

What if you don't wait for her to go to her counselor?

 

Have you heard the quote,"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?"

 

Do something different. Let her know that you have a life and you're not going to wait to live it.

 

GEL

[Billy Bob]

No remorse?

 

Nope.. but I was put through the wringer by her for 8 months, dealing with her lies and wishy washy behavior.. After 8 months of trying anything to work on my marriage and her just being aloof and in-control.. any love I had for her was completely gone. I think she fed off my misery like a vampire.. It was some sort of power trip, she was in complete control of my emotional state for 8 months, all she had to do was tell me "I want our relationship to work, I want to try for us, for our marriage"...

 

All I got from her was bizzarre behavior, wishy washy "I don't know" answers... basically her running the show, putting me through hell.

 

After 8 months, I was done with her forever. I would never intentially treat someone like that and I don't want to be with anyone who would.

 

No remorse.

[Billy Bob]

Actually, I am remoseful that my kids couldn't grow up in a non-divorced household.. But, living with my ex-wife would have been worse. She did have some dillusions that we could live like roomates in the same house, take care of the kids and date other people???!!!?? How messed up is that?

 

She wanted the freedom of an individual without the responsibility of being on her own.

 

My kids are very well adjusted 2 years later, living with me and my GF full time and visiting their whack job mom every other weekend.

 

Everything works out for the best in the end.

[LostHusband]

Well he was a cop I know that. Let me do some digging. He had like 60 pages of postings showing his entire journey from the beginning to the end.

 

Give me some time, I'm at work. Something to mention as well, was that he divorced and it was finalized before he got his wife back.

 

That sounds like ILMW's thread. They separated and he worked on himself for a year and kept everyone updated, and then he disappeared awhile, updated again that he and his wife were getting back together - everyone was so happy for him. They moved back in together but were broken up again a month later. Here's the latest, not long ago...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t153935/

 

Is this the one you were thinking of? Kind of sad, one of the good hopeful endings still ends up being a loss.

[TrustInYourself]

Yeah it was ILMW. There goes my example!

[n9688m]

Well he was a cop I know that. Let me do some digging. He had like 60 pages of postings showing his entire journey from the beginning to the end.

 

Give me some time, I'm at work. Something to mention as well, was that he divorced and it was finalized before he got his wife back.

 

Thanks -that would be interesting to read.

 

Oops - just saw your comment that it didn't work when they got back... oh well.

[TrustInYourself]

I feel good tonight. I'm happy for that. It makes me realize that even though I'm headed towards a divorce, I can live my life and not be sad and alone and depressed all the time.

 

Let's hope this lasts for more than a few days. I know I will see my wife and maybe we will talk and she will offer me hope and I'll go all crazy and nutty again when she takes that hope away.

 

LOL! I have to laugh. How many times am I going to play this game? I worry about her and care for her, but I have to understand that it's not working to change her feelings. So I'm not going to play the game. I'm just going to keep backing away and enjoying every minute of my life. I hope everyone here is doing the same.