Author TrustInYourself Posted July 16, 2008 Author Share Posted July 16, 2008 She's confused herself. I don't know your story. Is she or has she cheated? All I know from reading your post above is that you are giving her all the power here. Why is it up to her? What if you don't stay the night after watching your daughter? What if you don't wait for her to go to her counselor? Have you heard the quote,"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?" Do something different. Let her know that you have a life and you're not going to wait to live it. GEL She hasn't cheated, but it's a possibility now with the separation. I give her power because I felt like I hurt and abandoned her while I was married to her. I didn't stay the night, I decided to stick to my decision to back away and give her a chance to miss me. I'm not waiting for her to schedule her next counseling session. I've scheduled an appointment with a family law attorney to start the divorce paperwork on August 5th. I've heard that definition of insanity. I did the same thing for a long time. After the separation, I made some serious changes but they don't seem to really have any effect on her mindset or feelings about me. She considers me a lost cause, lol. As far as living my life, I'm doing my best to do that. I'm not waiting for her and I get guilt trips about women kissing me, going out with friends until 2am, and doing other things that I never ever did while we were together. I'm a social person and I need to be able to talk to people and interact and I am just now getting back into my groove. Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 I've been divorced for 5 years now and I'm not bitter-I'm happy about it. I think it's your perception of divorce is what causes you to label people bitter. Is it comfort if everyone tells you everything will be ok and then it doesn't work out that way and you didn't see it coming? When you are dealing with divorce, you have 2 people with often conflicting goals. I wanted to divorce, my XH did not. Now we did not have a bitter divorce but I bet you a million bucks he thinks he got shafted when he soooo did not. It's your perception that shapes your reality. Alot of posters hope to help soften the blow before it strikes, kwim? THIS is what I'm talking about. It's about perception. He may think he got screwed but he soooo did not? What's the f***ing point to getting married then? Why did you say yes, just to want divorce later? And be happy about it? He was not bitter because he loved you. He was hoping you would not give up and walk away. Jesus H Christ. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 16, 2008 Author Share Posted July 16, 2008 Agreed, of course it wasn't bitter for you. You wanted to escape the problems of the marriage rather than face them. He probably went along because he loved you. Sad thing is, you think it's a problem with his perception. There's an easy way for him to not feel shafted. He just has to realize how selfish you are and that he's much better off without you. Now look, I'm all saucy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 16, 2008 Author Share Posted July 16, 2008 If my marriage ends in divorce. I am going to commit to being single for a very long time. I despise marriage. It's a false sense of commitment. It's a false sense of security and love. Why do humans force themselves into monogamy, when it goes against human nature. **** that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 I'm stressing hard core again. Why am I stressing over this? My emotions are raging. I want to call her badly and talk about us. How dumb can I be. **** that, I'm going to have to do something, anything to clear my head. Link to post Share on other sites
HeatherAngel Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 TiY - I'm sorry you're having such a rotten night. Stay strong, friend. ((HUG)) These emotions of ours are all over the chart... this will pass, this will pass. Thinking of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 Thanks. I miss having someone treat me with compassion without having to freaking beg for it. Or having to pray for a shred of love to be shown. I'm considering having a few beers. I don't know. Trying to just tough this out is hard. Sending my thoughts back at you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 I answered this thread for myself. When it's done, you don't do any talking. You just do some living. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 19, 2008 Author Share Posted July 19, 2008 Wife and I spoke last night. She was going out with a girlfriend to eat and have a few drinks. She agreed to come over and talk to me this morning. Ugh. I wanted this. Now I'm not sure what to say, lol. Suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 You are in the position I want to be in. Just listen... listen intently... do not think about what you want... Do not think about what to say... Listen to her... try to understand her emotions... empathize with her... Just be there for her... That's it. No touching (A friendly hug "I understand" hug, not I love you hug) Absolutely No Sex. say "I'm not ready for that" good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 19, 2008 Author Share Posted July 19, 2008 lol, I'm the one that asked to talk things over. There's this nagging doubt in my head to file for divorce and I'm not sure I should. She keeps giving me thoughts of hope. I need to know if I'm lying to myself by saying that we can work on our marriage. How can I just listen when it was me that wanted to talk, hah. Here's what I want to say. ___ How was your evening? I wanted to talk about us. I feel like we've been honest with eachother since this separation has started and I don't want to stop doing that. Recently, I've been taking steps to move on with my life and I think that's the best thing to do. However, I feel this nagging doubt in the back of my mind. This doubt that I didn't do all I could to save this marriage. I feel like I no longer have any choice but to move on with my life. I've done my best to come to peace with that decision. This is not my choice and I'm understanding of that. I'm just making the best with what I have. I need to know if there is no hope for us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 19, 2008 Author Share Posted July 19, 2008 I need to get into my invincible mindset. I am the ****. I am the prize. No woman is worth me losing control of my emotions. If anything women should lose control of themselves when they talk to me... Control is an illusion. Complete and unrestricted love is true love. That means putting aside what I want and putting what she wants first. Ok, I'm ready to do this. HAHA, 5 minutes until go time. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 TIY - you are all over the map. If you want your marriage, then don't control the steps. You can put a nail in the coffin, but you cannot change her. Trying to get her to confront her feelings or you telling her you are taking steps to move on could likely backfire and give her justification for her moving on. I would say "let's start from the beginning... We should be friendly and nice to each other for our daughter's sake... We can just take it one step at a time and see what happens. This will be a long process and cannot be solved by discussing it at this point... it needs to be a lengthly process where she over time comes to see she enjoys your company... It requires patience and perseverence and subtle actions. Tell us how it goes... Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 19, 2008 Author Share Posted July 19, 2008 Ugh, not sure. I'm going to follow my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 20, 2008 Author Share Posted July 20, 2008 Let's just say, everything I've been saying on here has been accurate and powerful in helping to heal my marriage. We're on the path back to reconciliation. I'm not sure if this will last, but I know now that she misses me and she loves me. That's enough for me to continue this journey of self growth and pain. Thanks for the well-wishes and support, all of you. I'm not done. We both have a long way to go before we actually get back together, but there's hope. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 TIY - great news - Glad you are going to stick with it. By situation is getting worse... I'l try to post it on my own thread Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 20, 2008 Author Share Posted July 20, 2008 I'm not out of the frying pan, yet. Marriage is a constant process of self evolution. I'm headed in the right direction, but I still have a ton of work and thought ahead of me. I'm still just trying to grow and learn and become a better person. That's all we can do at times. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 TIY - I'm dying with curiousity. What exactly did you say in your conversation last night ??? I'd like to put it in my memoirs - take it out for future potential use... if the time ever arrives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 20, 2008 Author Share Posted July 20, 2008 Hah, it has nothing to do with what I said. It has everything to do with my mindset. I'm ready to move on. That doesn't mean I don't love her. It means that I recognize how I contributed to the current situation. I recognized my weaknesses and have spent the last 3 months working on them. I've respected her space. I've respected her feelings. I put my crazy emotional, controlling aspects of who I am away. I let go of trying to work on it. I focused on myself. I realized that I have absolutely no control over the situation and stopped trying to "control" or "reason with her". I've said to myself that was my weakness speaking. I've regained my self confidence. I've regained pieces of the man that my wife married through pain and self-reflection. She knows I love her. She knows I put her above all women. She is my everything. Yet, outwardly, I smile and laugh with her and tell her I am willing to move on without her because I love her and that's what she wants. I don't force her to see my perspective. I embrace her perspective. Trust me, there is nothing more attractive than that. I looked at her and smiled and she had the saddest look ever on her face. I was confused. I couldn't help myself and I reached out for her and she ran to me and we hugged for a few moments. She whispered that she missed me... I'm a lucky man. That doesn't mean we all can't be lucky. It's just a matter of believing and putting aside our doubts and fears and embracing life. As I said, I'm not done. I'm still separated. I'm not perfect. It's a continual process. Once we stop growing, we stop living. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 29, 2008 Author Share Posted July 29, 2008 Posting an update, we are doing counseling. Still separated households. She's offered to put in her 30 day notice and move back in, but I've suggested we take it slow moving back together. We spend a great deal of time together. Doing family things and just keeping it light and fun. It's a good feeling to be with her and know she's happy. As far as complete reconciliation, I'm not sure we are there. Maybe there's no such thing. I'm not sure, but I'm doing my best in a somewhat confusing situation. I feel slightly uncomfortable posting here. I'm not sure, but my perspective is changing. I feel like I'm offering false hope and that my advice doesn't really count, since my wife and I are considering getting back together. I can post here and offer my advice and words of support and understanding, but I hope that I just don't mislead or hurt people. That's my concern. My pain isn't as strong and overwhelming as it once was. I don't feel scared or hurt as I used to. I guess I'm through some of the worst of this. Who knows what's going to happen. I'm still taking it one day at a time. Thanks for listening! Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 TIY - on the contrary - I think it is good for some people to know that things can get better and improve rather than be doomed. There is nothing wrong with hope... there are no miracles without hope. I am glad you situation is improving - keep at it... and Hell yes, I am jealous !!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 TIY, You're advice is well received and appreciated. To lots of people. I wish nothing but the best for you, and am happy for you. It's too early to say congratulations, so I'll leave it at congrats, stay strong. And you were right - I'm still waiting to be served. Ho hum, my work is never done. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 30, 2008 Author Share Posted July 30, 2008 DD, Hah, I'm glad to hear it! Perhaps you should offer an avenue to be good friends. Maybe some coffee? It's on you, if you feel good enough to offer her that oppurtunity. Keep on, keeping on. SD, I read your posts. They sound like mine. I don't doubt that with some time and patience you'll come out of this a very happy man regardless of the outcome. You've taken the long, hard, loving road of being a good father and husband. Sure, it's not easy. It's god damn hell. But make no mistake, you'll come out stronger, better, and happier than before, due to experience, love, and understanding. I'll stay in touch. Thanks for the words. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustInYourself Posted July 30, 2008 Author Share Posted July 30, 2008 I am having a day where I just want to yell and scream and bitch and moan about my situation. I am separated so I have to control my emotions and anger to the point where I feel stifled or muted. She lied to me about smoking cigarettes again and she does it frequently and has no plans to stop anytime soon, contrary to what she has told me. Its not the deal of smoking, which I dont really like. Its the fact that she told me she doesnt want to be a smoker, yet buys a pack a week to enjoy. That pisses me off. Even if its petty. What else is she misleading me about. She is triggering my old behaviors by lying to me. I need to recognize whats going on and nip it in the bud. I am angry about our situation because I have to watch our daughter on the weekends. She refuses to allow me to find a new babysitter she doesnt know. I have a business venture that I am going to start with my associate that could mean serious financial and personal freedom. Yet, I cant even leave town because it does not suit her. I am angry I let this woman put me on a leash. Thats how it feels. I am ****ing pissed off. She does whatever she feels like doing and I am forced to just grin and bear it. I want to get away from her for a few days. I am scared if this happens if and when we get back together. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts