How to do the talking when it's done

[SingleDad]

TIY - I though you were on Reconcilation Road ? what happened ? Realize that there will be many potholes along the way - maybe for the duration of your marriage.

 

That is one thing that scares me... will I be walking on eggshells the rest of my days if I can keep W ?

[TrustInYourself]

I am on the road, but I have my old self to contend with. The one who contributed to this current situation. The angry, controlling guy who yelled and didnt listen. The one who kept on doing what he wanted without consideration to what she wanted.

 

I am mad about things. There are things that have not yet been resolved.

 

When you are around your wife often and given the oppurtunity to make deposits without asking for anything more, you grow resentful. I am dealing with some resentment today.

 

Outwardly, we spoke about it. I have been thinking negative, angry thoughts without communicating them. She can read my body language and tell something is wrong. I just asked her about the smoking, since it was trivial. I got the answer I expected. She does whatever she wants without consideration. And I let it get to me. I let that petty nonsense bother me.

 

Ugh, I just need to take a step back and realize I am powerless to control that. I need to focus on myself and my own happiness. I need to allow her decisions to be just that, her decisions.

[TrustInYourself]

Its like an endless blackhole.

 

The more I give to the relationship, the more I expect back in love and consideration. I keep giving and giving and giving and wanting more and more and more.

 

This is not healthy.

[SingleDad]

TIY - I understand your blackhole theory... believe me I'm there. sometimes I think my whole marriage was a blackhole, and will be worse if it is saved... I will continue to give and get nothing in return - W's innate selfishness. But then I look at the alternative...

 

Hopefully - the unconditional giving you are giving alone now will reap rewards in the future.

 

You also have to give to yourself to keep you strong.

[TrustInYourself]

I just find it hard sometimes. I needed to get things of my chest. They are still there. I am just trying to deal with them now. Deal with the emotions. If anything I will save all this for our first joint counseling session.

[SingleDad]

Be careful - you can vent here - but there are things you cannot to vent to her in session. They will do more damage than good.

[TrustInYourself]

Oh yeah, I have definitely thought about that. Shes expressed the same opinion. We both fear joint counseling sessions for that fact.

 

Eggshells everywhere!

[TrustInYourself]

I'm feeling pretty sick. Why bother comes to mind frequently.

 

I feel the pain of everyone. Later I feel nothing?

[n9688m]

She refuses to allow me to find a new babysitter she doesnt know.

 

That's not her decision to make.

[TrustInYourself]

Argh, I'm so ****ing mad and hurt right now. And she did nothing except be cool. This is all me. This is me generating this ****. I'm churning ****ty emotions around in my brain and I can't stop thinking about how ****ed up I feel. I'm forcing myself to kill that perfect image of her in my mind. Why? Because I'm not a priority in her life and I don't think I ever will be. She's just selfish and I can't take it anymore.

 

I feel betrayed and after everything I've done I just want to burn it all and get out. Just destroy it and run away. I want to be free. Just like she wanted to be free. Now I understand her completely and I agree. I want out of this vicious cycle of pain. I know she does too.

[TrustInYourself]

I can't do this anymore. This separation. This waiting. I want to live my life. If that's without her, than I'm ready.

 

She says she almost ready to move back in. She just needs more time. Are you ****ing kidding ME! Argh..maybe I'm just flipping out because now I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Someone explain to me why my feelings are changing. Maybe because I want what I can't have and now that it's within reach, I will try and sabotage myself.

[TrustInYourself]

I don't know what to say. I can't tell her how I really feel. Those days are gone. I feel so alone when I'm with her. She doesn't care about me or my feelings.

 

Just her feelings. Just her life. I'm nothing.

 

Now that I've said that, I know that even the end of my marriage is not the end of life.

 

The problem is doubt. I doubt if I'm being rational atm. I'm not sure. I can't tell. I'm like thinking this but I think it's a reaction to pain and I'm building a wall to separate my feelings from my heart. I'm becoming a cold-hearted piece of ****.

[HeatherAngel]

TIY - I have only 2 cents worth to give - it may not be worth even that.

 

You still have nothing definite from her, but what you wanted MAY be within reach - or not... and the not knowing still gnaws at your heart and your self-respect, doesn't it? Add to that the natural course of emotions that need to run through you as the 'pressure' eases, as reconciliation becomes a REAL possibility, and you have a powder keg, don't you?

 

I feel for you, and I think what's happening now is natural. As the anxiety and hope moves just a little to the left of centre, there is a whole horde of other stuff that wants you take it a look inside yourself... this is still tough days, my friend.

 

And the anger, the resentment, the unfairness, the fury - let it go, mate. The only way past it is through it - get through it BEFORE she makes the final decision to come back or not. She's not really 'stringing you along' - she's coming round.

 

Don't give up hope and faith in what you want, just to face the demons that demand you take a look at them. Because you haven't had the time or energy to listen to these ones - yet. Let them come. And then let them go.

 

Thinking of you - wishing you strength.

[TrustInYourself]

TIY - I have only 2 cents worth to give - it may not be worth even that.

 

You still have nothing definite from her, but what you wanted MAY be within reach - or not... and the not knowing still gnaws at your heart and your self-respect, doesn't it? Add to that the natural course of emotions that need to run through you as the 'pressure' eases, as reconciliation becomes a REAL possibility, and you have a powder keg, don't you?

 

I feel for you, and I think what's happening now is natural. As the anxiety and hope moves just a little to the left of centre, there is a whole horde of other stuff that wants you take it a look inside yourself... this is still tough days, my friend.

 

And the anger, the resentment, the unfairness, the fury - let it go, mate. The only way past it is through it - get through it BEFORE she makes the final decision to come back or not. She's not really 'stringing you along' - she's coming round.

 

Don't give up hope and faith in what you want, just to face the demons that demand you take a look at them. Because you haven't had the time or energy to listen to these ones - yet. Let them come. And then let them go.

 

Thinking of you - wishing you strength.

 

Thank you. I appreciate that...I feel like I'm okay 90% of the time and then suddenly this monster comes out. This demanding, angry, needy creature that just needs to go away.

[TrustInYourself]

I called and I told her I demand to know what she wants or my emotions and my self respect are going to force me to take action. I'm sick of not being the priority in her life. I feel like I have to divorce her for her to realize that I don't deserve to be taken for granted.

 

She respected what I had to say. I was cool and collected. I was scared to tell her that she needed to make a decision.

 

I told her, this is my perspective. You are selfish. You take me for granted and telling me you are close to moving back in with me, but you're scared. Well that just pisses me off. It's like ILYBINILWU. Screw that.

 

She told me thanks at the end. She has to think on things. Good, think on it woman. I'm looking forward to closure. I need to know if she's onboard with me to work on our marriage or if I need to end it all. Closure is great. Amen to getting on with life.

[Gunny376]

TIY - I have only 2 cents worth to give - it may not be worth even that.

 

You still have nothing definite from her, but what you wanted MAY be within reach - or not... and the not knowing still gnaws at your heart and your self-respect, doesn't it? Add to that the natural course of emotions that need to run through you as the 'pressure' eases, as reconciliation becomes a REAL possibility, and you have a powder keg, don't you?

 

I feel for you, and I think what's happening now is natural. As the anxiety and hope moves just a little to the left of centre, there is a whole horde of other stuff that wants you take it a look inside yourself... this is still tough days, my friend.

 

And the anger, the resentment, the unfairness, the fury - let it go, mate. The only way past it is through it - get through it BEFORE she makes the final decision to come back or not. She's not really 'stringing you along' - she's coming round.

 

Don't give up hope and faith in what you want, just to face the demons that demand you take a look at them. Because you haven't had the time or energy to listen to these ones - yet. Let them come. And then let them go.

 

Thinking of you - wishing you strength.

 

 

TIYS and HA, take a "Fool's Advice" and just leave it alone! Just leave it freaking alone! Don't touch it, don't try to fix it! Don't try to make it better! Just leave it the Hell alone ~ and let things take their natural course! Take care of yourself, your children~ but give the X's a wide berth! Leave them alone to do their own thing ~ and meanwhile get your happy azz busy getting busy living your own life!

 

Yea its hard ~ all freaking day hard! But its what LJ and I told Perry and ilmw two years ago ~ "Life's too freaking short! Get busy living? Or get busy dying!" Just that plain and just that simple!

 

As LJ has said over and freaking over again!

 

"Its the end of your marriage ~ not your Life!"

[TrustInYourself]

TIYS and HA, take a "Fool's Advice" and just leave it alone! Just leave it freaking alone! Don't touch it, don't try to fix it! Don't try to make it better! Just leave it the Hell alone ~ and let things take their natural course! Take care of yourself, your children~ but give the X's a wide berth! Leave them alone to do their own thing ~ and meanwhile get your happy azz busy getting busy living your own life!

 

Yea its hard ~ all freaking day hard! But its what LJ and I told Perry and ilmw two years ago ~ "Life's too freaking short! Get busy living? Or get busy dying!" Just that plain and just that simple!

 

As LJ has said over and freaking over again!

 

I don't want to fix it. I want to fix myself. I can't live life knowing that I didn't give it my all. I can't live with myself knowing that my wife left me and my daughter because I didn't try. I need to know that I did my best. I need to know my wife walked away and that I had no chance of making it work with her. That's all. I need to know that I wasn't the cause of my family breaking up. All this pain and suffering is for me to grow. Even knowing that, doesn't help me get over her or feel less pain. I just have to keep getting my heart ripped out until there is nothing left I guess. Then I can move on and say I did everything I could and I'm not going to regret moving on with my life without her.

[sumdude]

I need to know that I wasn't the cause of my family breaking up.

 

The hardest damn part of it all is that you will never really have the answer... fault... blame.. if I had done this... if she had done that if if if if if...

 

That's what you have to let go of. The stage of acceptance... what is... just is. However much it hurts.

[imagine]

TIY

 

Stop talking to this woman. Each time you respond shows her that you are still a lackey.

 

Please check out Plan B at the marriage builders site. Briefly, it is NC until your conditions are met. Interim contact is all via a third party. You need to get all the details though.

 

You ARE dissipating your energy by running after this woman. Stop it!

[TrustInYourself]

Agreed. I will stop. It's just hard. If I stop, I think I am giving up. I guess it's not up to me is it?

[HeatherAngel]

I'm confused... I understand your anger, but not the desire to no longer talk to her. And TIY - WHY isn't it 'up to you'???

[TrustInYourself]

It hurts to be with her. It hurts to know she doesn't desire talking to me. It hurts to know that she is still considering not being with me after these last 5 months of me suffering and doing everything for her.

 

I communicate my needs and feelings and I'm being selfish. I listen to her and her needs and I feel only hatred and anger over her selfishness. I am sick of listening to her tell me she needs time. I'm not sure I would wait forever for someone who won't even talk to me before they would talk to their friends. I'm not sure I'd want to wait for someone who still considers dating other men.

 

I know I hurt her. I neglected her. But now she's doing the same to me and I feel the pain she felt and I agree with some of the things she's said. She's said we just don't work. Maybe we don't. I'm someone who pushes and wants to do things, adventures, meeting people. She is someone who just wants to relax, stay at home. There's differences. The more I think of those things in my current emotional state, the less I trust myself when I talk to her or be around her. I just get so sad and angry.

 

I'm losing it and I just need time for myself. But this cycle is not changing. I regain control of my emotions and I'm good to her and she still doesn't see the good in me. That's tiring and it all just seems so futile. 5 months of pain. How long must I continue this? How long will I let this continue?

 

Instead of just cutting it all off and burning it all. I'd prefer to just walk away and allow her to start initiating change. It's time for her to work on us. I've worked so hard and she knows it. The problem is I keep making it so easy for her. She's not going to respect me or my feelings if I'm so available.

 

I've given her a week of LC/NC before and she really felt like working on things and I jumped on it. I started going to her place overnight, vice versa. Spending weekends and nights together talking, being a family. I gave her the carrot without making her change or fix the problem.

 

We are still in separate households. She still have very little understanding about herself and how to communicate. She still doesn't know what she wants. She still considers other men as dating material. She still considers divorce. She still thinks about how I hurt her in the past. She still thinks she needs more time.

 

I just want to give her what she wants.

[TrustInYourself]

I want answers. I want some damn answers from her now! ugh!

[imagine]

Did you read Plan B?

[TrustInYourself]

Today begins Plan B. I've applied Plan A for 5 months. I hope I have supported and loved her enough to heal the 3 years of pain I put her through. If not, I hope I'm doing the right thing for both of us.