How to do the talking when it's done

[TrustInYourself]

I expected a call from her. I didn't get it. I have this numb feeling. Weird.

 

Any suggestions?

 

Should I just file the damn divorce and get it over with? Should I relax and wait for her?

 

I feel like everything I do has such an impact. Haha. I'm losing my mind!!

[TrustInYourself]

She called me after I texted her. Looks like the the thoughts of what she may be missing out on being on her own are greater than the thoughts of what she gains by being my wife.

 

So..do I be patient and wait. Do I allow her to work this out in her mind? Or do I press with my own needs and self respect and kick her loose. Give her what she thinks she wants.

 

She admits she is confused. She doesn't know what she wants. I am sick of not knowing.

[SingleDad]

TIY - looks like you had a very hard mentally exhausting weekend - likely you were alone and W had your daughter... I had my daughter so I had a decent weekend. Next weekend w/o daughter I'll probably feel your weekend.

 

I never wanted to give up hope either - I still don't... But I am learning that any over action I take on my part to show my W that I love her sinply backfired and the devil re-appears to wall off her emotions.

 

I have to let it do and be merely civil and friendly to her and learn to live my life without any part of her in it. Just as you have told me to do - you likewise may need to do the same. I frequently have this hole in my senses like I am not complete - some emptiness exists inside me... Until I can get myself to live without this hole I will be challenged - but I need to learn.

 

Work on yourself, read books, do things you like to do, play with your daughter.

[TrustInYourself]

My head is screaming to tell her that she can either work on it, or give me a divorce.

 

I will go to one counseling session, per her request. After that, I want to know. She initiated this. I want this done. One way or the other.

 

Thoughts?

[cyabye]

You already know what she is telling you. She is NOT confused. That is just a BS excuse. What are her actions? Forget what she is telling you. Her actions speak louder than words. I've been reading your post about holding on etc. You can not do that forever. There comes a time where you have to let go for yourself. That time is now.

 

cyabye

[TrustInYourself]

TIY - looks like you had a very hard mentally exhausting weekend - likely you were alone and W had your daughter... I had my daughter so I had a decent weekend. Next weekend w/o daughter I'll probably feel your weekend.

 

I never wanted to give up hope either - I still don't... But I am learning that any over action I take on my part to show my W that I love her sinply backfired and the devil re-appears to wall off her emotions.

 

I have to let it do and be merely civil and friendly to her and learn to live my life without any part of her in it. Just as you have told me to do - you likewise may need to do the same. I frequently have this hole in my senses like I am not complete - some emptiness exists inside me... Until I can get myself to live without this hole I will be challenged - but I need to learn.

 

Work on yourself, read books, do things you like to do, play with your daughter.

 

 

I know man. It just feels like giving up.

 

I could be patient and things could turn around. The less I'm in my wife's life the more she appreciates me. I know that. The more I press for an end the more she holds on to me.

 

I know what she is thinking and what your wife is thinking. They are thinking that there is something better out there. I'm open for them to go try it out. Go for it. I'm confident over how much I love my wife. I want her to see for herself that I do love her unconditionally. But I won't take her back. I can't. Once she leaves, once she has been through a few men and realizes that it's all the same. I'm not going to be the man waiting for her. I'm sorry, I'll try and try as long as she is willing to give me a chance, but at some point, I have to say that's it.

 

Maybe we are to blame for losing our wife's attention. But at some point, we have to forgive ourselves and move forward. I just need to know that is what she wants for sure. She's said it before and now she's hesitating. I just forget what she's saying and pretend like being around will change her heart.

 

Maybe it is changing her heart. But it's also changing my heart. To constantly give to someone who doesn't care about me. That's what sucks. I can do this for a bit longer...but at some point, I need and want to take control of my life.

[TrustInYourself]

You already know what she is telling you. She is NOT confused. That is just a BS excuse. What are her actions? Forget what she is telling you. Her actions speak louder than words. I've been reading your post about holding on etc. You can not do that forever. There comes a time where you have to let go for yourself. That time is now.

 

cyabye

 

She wants to stay together for our daughter. Not because she loves me. Her actions show she doesn't love me.

 

I'm going to schedule this counseling session. Then we shall see what she says. I'm a patient individual. I'll give this one more shot. I know. I'm putting myself through hell. I'll have to learn this lesson on my own I guess.

[SingleDad]

TIY - love can be rebuilt merely through actions - feelings follow over time.

 

At least your W is willing to reconcile for sake of your daughter.

 

My W needs to be happy within herself and will not ever sacrifice her happiness just to raise our daughter together as a family. Problem is my W will no longer ever let me get close enough to allow me to express my love and desire to repair our marriage... She is past done and is not looking back... Hopefully time will heal - that is all I have.

[TrustInYourself]

Yeah. I have to settle with that? Knowing she's with me just for the sake of our daughter.

 

That's not enough for me. I doubt it will be enough for her.

[TrustInYourself]

If she doesn't feel anything and doesn't love me. Why is she so confused. Why won't she just commit to ending our marriage? She wants that. That's why she moved out. She says our daughter. Well that pretty much kills me inside to know that she only considers me because of our daughter.

 

Why the hell do I even bother?!

[SingleDad]

No it is not... But knowing the truth does allow the opportunity to work on it.

 

Go back to dating your W...

 

better than dating someone else - no one who dates falls in love right away - that takes time and feelings to grow.

 

Why not start all over with your wife than with some stranger ?

[TrustInYourself]

I tried dating. Then she hits these lows. She's on her period. We don't hug, we don't kiss. I get distant. I pull back. She pulls back. I wonder why we have these ****ing setbacks and then she's no longer interested in working on us. She doesn't even consider all my efforts so far as working on us.

 

I try damn hard to date her and be there for her. I do my best to bottle up my crazy emotions and just be a perfect guy. I'm drained. I'm seriously drained.

 

How many cycles of this **** do I have to endure before she decides to commit to me or commit to divorce. I don't want to play these "games" anymore.

[SingleDad]

Bother ? Because you love your wife and you love your daughter, and that is the righteous thing to do.

 

If nothing else work on it for six months or a year from now... maybe you need to remain separated until all of those doubts are gone (both of yours).

 

Start dating her again - nothing wrong with trying a new start.

[TrustInYourself]

It hasn't been one week of being alone and doing my own thing before we talk and things are good.

 

One week and we get back together and it feels good again.

 

Then afterwards, we slowly start moving back down in our moods. Something happens and one of us pulls back.

[SingleDad]

TIY - You are months or years ahead of me... Hard to advise other than to say that you need to take it slowly, just as you would in dating.

 

You wouldn't expect someone you dated for a week to move in with you - would you ?

 

May be months or years of dating before the love feelings return.

[TrustInYourself]

I know, that's the problem. I could stay the course and win my wife back. She told me last week she was close to moving back in with me. She was really willing to give it another chance.

 

Then this starts happening. I start demanding answers. I start feeling like we are going no where. I sabotaged myself. Maybe I don't love her the way I think I do. I don't know. I'm scared and hurt and I start doing things that I don't understand.

 

I am not a patient individual. I am at a crossroads now. Force myself to wait or force myself to move on. It's all about control and I feel like I have no control. So now I know my problem. I'm a control freak.

 

So yeah, I ruined my chances by being needy. I ruined my chances by demanding more. This happened a few months ago.

 

I pulled back afterwards. I was determined to live my life for myself. I had fun. I met people. I got in shape.

 

Then she called me and I jumped back, positive, happy, loving, enthusiastic. I was perfect. Then I started demanding more from her.

 

It's a cycle. The black hole theory. I'm done with this cycle.

[imagine]

Please listen

 

Plan B is perfect for your situation. You have worn down from doing the plan A and cannot be able to positively contribute. You need to regroup and get well.

 

Plan B is the love letter that says NC unless your conditions have been met. It does not promise reconciliation. It tells her like it is ... That you are sorry that the marriage has come to that point of such unhappiness. That you acknowledge your part of that unhappiness. That continued contact is stressful to you and the results of this stress will not be helpful towards restoring a healthy relationship with her. You do not regret having married her. You wish her well.

 

All contact must be done via a mutual friend, pastor or neutral family member.

 

Note well: This plan is for your preservation. Stick to this plan. Start socializing. Get a vigorous sport. Train circus fleas, whatever... One of Carnegies books is "How to stop worrying and start living". A principle herein is to set a stop order on your concerns. For example - Estimate the worst, accept it... then try to improve upon it

[TrustInYourself]

Please listen

 

Plan B is perfect for your situation. You have worn down from doing the plan A and cannot be able to positively contribute. You need to regroup and get well.

 

Plan B is the love letter that says NC unless your conditions have been met. It does not promise reconciliation. It tells her like it is ... That you are sorry that the marriage has come to that point of such unhappiness. That you acknowledge your part of that unhappiness. That continued contact is stressful to you and the results of this stress will not be helpful towards restoring a healthy relationship with her. You do not regret having married her. You wish her well.

 

All contact must be done via a mutual friend, pastor or neutral family member.

 

Note well: This plan is for your preservation. Stick to this plan. Start socializing. Get a vigorous sport. Train circus fleas, whatever... One of Carnegies books is "How to stop worrying and start living". A principle herein is to set a stop order on your concerns. For example - Estimate the worst, accept it... then try to improve upon it

 

I know this. I keep talking to her and I think it's causing damage. I am demanding and angry. So I damage what I've built upon so far.

 

When I start implementing Plan B. I see immediate improvement for myself and I notice she starts thinking about us. I should just hold out on Plan B until I can easily and happily let go. I need to just accept and be happy for myself.

 

I'm human though. I fall down. I cry. I scream.

[TrustInYourself]

I'm a ghost in regards to her. Help me stay the course. It's going to be hard when she starts calling and wanting to hang out and sleep over and act like nothing is wrong.

 

I want to be happy and back to my natural self. It's going to take pain and suffering again for me to get back to that place. Here I GO!

[TrustInYourself]

I'm still feeling stressed out. I just want to talk talk talk about it.

[SingleDad]

TIY - go ahead talk - that is what forums are for

[TrustInYourself]

I beat this horse dead. Thanks everyone (SD especially), for the responses and keeping me up. I appreciate that. I'll try and return the favor.

[Sum1'sGot2RepThe530]

Geese, 5 months later and you're still dicking around.

 

I'm sorry to see you in such discontent, but if you had been able to take my advice (and others similar) 5 months ago, you might be happier.

 

Not trying to say "I told you so", but all this messing around and letting her walk all over you isn't getting you anywhere. It's just making you more irritable and miserable.

 

If you're in the position to file, then FILE. Or like SingleDad said, convince her to file. Either way, get it over with.

 

Good luck, and don't take what I say as me being a dick, I'm just a blunt and honest person.

[Sum1'sGot2RepThe530]

I went back and looked at my post history, and my VERY first post after I joined this website was advising you to "Go directly to divorce, do not pass separation."

 

This was my second post:

 

I don't know exactly how you feel in a given moment, but from the information you divulge in your posts, I think it's time for you to move on with your life.

 

It sounds like she's kind of playing games with you because of the lack of boundaries thing that was mentioned before.

 

I said go straight to divorce because a legal separation costs just as much, but you're still married in the end (or so I've read). The sooner you two get your ducks in a row as far as your daughter is concerned and divorce, the sooner you can start dating again and put your newfound physical fitness to good use.

 

Like you said, it's been one month of hell. Do you really want that to become two...or three...or four?

 

Good luck to you whatever you choose.

[Sum1'sGot2RepThe530]

Actually those weren't my first two posts, those were my first two posts that weren't lost when the server went down or whatever happened...my first 4 posts on this website got lost. Oh well.