How to do the talking when it's done

[TrustInYourself]

I put it out there. You either come home and work on it with me or we end this. We end this.

 

Quite frankly. I don't want to be married to a selfish bitch who puts her naive fantasies before the reality of her daughter suffering.

 

Point blank, I said it and I meant it. I took 5 months to grow and learn what I wanted. I know now what I want. Someone committed to our family. If she's not committed. To hell with her.

[GPFan]

Hi Archer,

 

This may have already been suggested but in case it hasn't, you may wish to explore and study Emotional Incest and Codependence.

 

I hope this helps.

[GreenEyedLady]

I put it out there. You either come home and work on it with me or we end this. We end this.

 

Quite frankly. I don't want to be married to a selfish bitch who puts her naive fantasies before the reality of her daughter suffering.

 

Point blank, I said it and I meant it. I took 5 months to grow and learn what I wanted. I know now what I want. Someone committed to our family. If she's not committed. To hell with her.

 

Good for you!

 

She'll respect you for setting boundaries and enforcing them.

 

Only 2 partners actively working toward reconciliation will be successful.

 

Good luck!

 

GEL

[Shin0bi1]

Good for you!

 

She'll respect you for setting boundaries and enforcing them.

 

Only 2 partners actively working toward reconciliation will be successful.

 

Good luck!

 

GEL

 

 

For reals TIY, GreenEyedLady is on point man. The bottom line as she said, there is no problem that two people can not work out in a relationship as long as you guys have a middle ground and reconcile and compromise.

 

I hate it when chicks string dudes along because they don't know what the

F they want in live. These types of chicks are too scared to face the unknown and always seek greener pasture. I view these people like monkeys... holding unto one branch firmly and making sure they have a firm

grip on the new branch before letting go.

 

I say cut that motherF'n branch off and let gravity take its course....

 

-Shin0bi1

[nowhereman82]

Haha!

 

Nice analogy Shin0b1. Sounds just about right. But guys do this too....so not fair to just say the ladies do it.

[TrustInYourself]

Yeah, I'm really happy about my choice. I'm even happier to see all these posts supporting me. It's like old friends coming out and giving me a pat on the shoulder. Thanks guys. Much love!

[SingleDad]

TIY - I'm sorry, what is your choice ? Is it that you just don't give a damn anymore ? Are your filing a Divorce ? or are you working toward reconciliation ?

 

I thought you were working things out and W was about ready to move back home ?

[TrustInYourself]

My choice is my daughter. My choice is our family.

[Maladjusted]

Good for you my friend. I am glad you are putting your foot down. You have much more patience than I do I think, and taking control of the situation and letting her know that you are done letting her dictate terms and that you aren't planning to sit there waiting like a puppy is good for the both of you.

[SingleDad]

My choice is my daughter. My choice is our family.

 

That is precisely my thinking

[TrustInYourself]

Nobody does anything without consequences. You want your wife back, start creating consequences for her actions.

 

For example, you see other women. You become emotionally unavailable. You move on with your life.

 

Right now, she's had no consequences. She's got a free ride. Stop allowing her to walk all over you. There's a distinct difference between loving someone and letting them destroy you, control you, manipulate you, and humiliate you. If you are making excuses for them while they do it, you're wrong. There is no excuse. Use that to break free.

 

Embrace the time on your own. Do you like vacations? You're on vacation from your wife. Enjoy it. Grow and break co-dependence, you have to live life for yourself and rediscover yourself. Who wants to love someone who doesn't even know what they like to do. Who they are. Someone without confidence or self worth. Consider that.

[TrustInYourself]

As far as my situation. My wife called the next day crying and saying how she wished she knew how to make me feel better. I just replied calmly and sternly that she knows what I want. This seperation is about her and her happiness She told me she scheduled a counseling session and wanted to do a joint session.

 

So, I know she's not ready to lose me. The problem is, it's not real enough to her unless I actually am willing to go through with it.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I felt like showing her that I still care about her and that I'm there for her, so I offered to take her dinner and she showed up. She was reserved and introverted. She mentioned she was confused. She looked like she was in constant thought and "out" of the situation.

 

I asked to stay over after dinner since it was late and she said sure. I am pretty sure she knew I would stay, since she was already putting our daughter in her jam jams. Still reserved as we slept through the night until the morning. Some physical closeness, mostly initiated by me. She reciprocated very slightly. There was a ton of reservation in her body language and also in her communication.

 

I'm not sure I should have went back to Plan A or the carrot or w/e. Perhaps that was a bad idea. I don't know. She hasn't committed to moving back in with me yet. I didn't ask last night. I just feel so pushy and that I lack complete understanding. I felt like giving love and showing her that I'm not completely angry or controlling. I'm not sure how she read it, but considering her reservations, I think she's having second thoughts about working it out. LOL. Yeah, funny. It's all good though.

[Maladjusted]

Well my man go to counseling and see where it takes you. It didn't work for my wife, but it certainly helped me a whole lot. The fact that she is making that effort should tell you something, you will just have to see where the counseling session is going to take you.

 

What you do know is that when you told her you were starting to get over everything is when she panicked. Continue that route and I wouldn't let her stay over again until she really wants to be there.

 

In the state she is in right now, I think her staying over there isn't doing anybody any good.

[TrustInYourself]

Yeah, you may be right. I need to just give her space and keep my distance.

 

However, when I went to the counselor, she told me to be patient, kind. Not to give ultimatums. I'm not sure about that. I told her I want closure and she just nodded.

 

I can get past her defenses and give her hugs and show affection, but I am not sure that it's helping her reach a conclusion on what she wants. That's what is crazy.

 

So I feel like I have to act reserved and just be "unavailable" so that she can appreciate me more. It's very awkward and it feels forced, but I enjoy knowing that she will work for me if I withdraw. Am I manipulating things?

[GreenEyedLady]

Nobody does anything without consequences. You want your wife back, start creating consequences for her actions.

 

For example, you see other women. You become emotionally unavailable. You move on with your life.

 

Right now, she's had no consequences. She's got a free ride. Stop allowing her to walk all over you. There's a distinct difference between loving someone and letting them destroy you, control you, manipulate you, and humiliate you. If you are making excuses for them while they do it, you're wrong. There is no excuse. Use that to break free.

 

Embrace the time on your own. Do you like vacations? You're on vacation from your wife. Enjoy it. Grow and break co-dependence, you have to live life for yourself and rediscover yourself. Who wants to love someone who doesn't even know what they like to do. Who they are. Someone without confidence or self worth. Consider that.

 

I think this is right on!

 

Women respect strong men.

 

Desperation is not desirable. Women don't want men they can walk all over.

 

I know I want my partner to be my equal. Are you your partner's equal? (Meant to the forum in general, not to anyone in particular.)

[TrustInYourself]

I'm in a weird transition in the way I feel lately. I'm starting to look at this whole separation as two phases.

 

My first phase I learned to rely on myself, grow from the experience, make positive changes for myself. My wife's choice was the catalyst.

 

Now I feel free and ready to move on. I'm ready to force the issue if need be. I'm ready to live life. So now it's no longer an ultimatum, but a simple request to live life to the fullest. For both of us.

 

I seriously feel strange though. It's an odd sensation to want to be married, but not have any sense of need or reliance. It's like floating.

[Gunny376]

I'm in a weird transition in the way I feel lately. I'm starting to look at this whole separation as two phases.

 

My first phase I learned to rely on myself, grow from the experience, make positive changes for myself. My wife's choice was the catalyst.

 

Now I feel free and ready to move on. I'm ready to force the issue if need be. I'm ready to live life. So now it's no longer an ultimatum, but a simple request to live life to the fullest. For both of us.

 

I seriously feel strange though. It's an odd sensation to want to be married, but not have any sense of need or reliance. It's like floating.

 

One cannot live their Life for and through their children, parents, spouses ~ Life is for living for yourself. It is up to others if they choose to share their life with you and you with theirs.

 

Life is for living. Either get busy living or get busy dying ~ just that plain ~ just that simple.

[Shin0bi1]

One cannot live their Life for and through their children, parents, spouses ~ Life is for living for yourself. It is up to others if they choose to share their life with you and you with theirs.

 

Life is for living. Either get busy living or get busy dying ~ just that plain ~ just that simple.

 

 

Right on Gunny! I would like to add to gunny's statement ... If you can not make yourself happy in life and live for your life and your daughter TIY... there is no way you can make anyone else happy as well no matter what

your intentions are at that time.

 

Life is toooo short and you will be faced with making decisions even when you don't feel like dealing with them. Just be true to yourself and the hard decisions you will make will have no regrets attached later as consequences (good or bad) reveal themselves later.

 

-Shin0bi1

[TrustInYourself]

Now that she's moving towards reconciliation, scheduling counseling, considering giving her 30 days notice...I'm thinking, NOT FAST ENOUGH.

 

Hmm...thinking about just filing on her. Not sure if that's me being emotional though.

[sumdude]

Now that she's moving towards reconciliation, scheduling counseling, considering giving her 30 days notice...I'm thinking, NOT FAST ENOUGH.

 

Hmm...thinking about just filing on her. Not sure if that's me being emotional though.

 

Slow down... live life and try to go with the flow of what's happening. This is a pivot point in your life and relationship. What's a few months compared to a lifetime?

[Billy Bob]

Hmm...thinking about just filing on her. Not sure if that's me being emotional though.

 

That will make her scramble... her power over you will be taken away.

[TrustInYourself]

I called her and told her to put in her 30 days on her lease. She said she wanted to talk to her counselor sheepishly.

 

I can wait since I don't even know what I plan on doing. My lease ends in two months and I was thinking of moving out of the apartment/housing we got when we were married. It's more than I need.

 

Yeah, I feel pretty weird about how she's just doing what I ask now. Really making me wonder if she's for real or just doing it. Not sure. She cried on the phone when she called me the other day, but I'm just reserved in my response to all of that.

[Billy Bob]

I called her and told her to put in her 30 days on her lease. She said she wanted to talk to her counselor sheepishly.

 

I can wait since I don't even know what I plan on doing. My lease ends in two months and I was thinking of moving out of the apartment/housing we got when we were married. It's more than I need.

 

Yeah, I feel pretty weird about how she's just doing what I ask now. Really making me wonder if she's for real or just doing it. Not sure. She cried on the phone when she called me the other day, but I'm just reserved in my response to all of that.

 

Seriously, when you start taking control, it gets them off the fence.. The longer someone sits around begging and pleading, trying to make sense of it all and repair the relationship while the WS "doesn't know" and flip flops like John Kerry (basically screwing with your emotions) its just hanging in limbo.

 

When you actually file for legal seperation or divorce, all the sudden they can't flip flop around, telling you they kinda love you, blah, blah, blah... You have taken away their control and if they really want the relationship they have to really work for it as well.

 

If they don't want the relationship, then you find out pretty quickly... and save yourself eons of trying to figure out what they want. Many WS know they want out and are just scared to actually take the final step...so they drag you through the mud for a while.

 

Best thing I ever did was "file" and take back control... Showing my ex-wife that I had value and wasn't going to sit in limbo while she figured out what she wanted and how she loved me, but wasn't in-love anymore, blah blah, blah...

 

I couldn't ever be a doormat again.

[Sum1'sGot2RepThe530]

One thing I've noticed, TIY, is that SingleDad is pushing you to reconcile AT ALL COSTS, even if your spouse doesn't necessarily deserve it (shown by her actions). Sorry if I come off as a dick SingleDad, but it seems like you're desperately seeking inspiration to apply to your own life. "If he can do it, I can too!"

 

I think each case needs to be taken separately. Remember, SHE LEFT YOU, and has been pulling your chain for 5 months. I think you've made more than your fair share of efforts to reconcile, and I think everyone here but SingleDad acknowledges that. Hit the ejector button on this chick, she's outta time. Like CTA said, take the reins away from her!

[TrustInYourself]

SingleDad is doing what he feels is best for his situation and I don't fault him for that. We all have to learn these lessons the hard way for ourselves.

 

I still believe we can work it out. I have nothing to make amends for and I'm confident and happy with either outcome. I laugh at her confusion and she just looks at me with anger. I know I can be happy in either outcome.

 

I'm actually regretting the fact that I'm willing to consider working it out. Why would I want to be with this confused, angry woman who thinks she wants something meaningful with someone else. When she told me that I just smiled and said then go for it. So now, I'm not sure. I'm sure I'm coming off as a real *******, but I'm trying to remain cool and collected and dedicated for the sake of my kid. Who knows?

 

Advice?