My sister won't support our aging parents

[NotKelly]

My sister does jack squat to involve herself in the lives of our aging parents. She hates my father and has spoken to him maybe once in the last decade (granted he didn't leave my mother in the most graceful way, but that was 17 f---ing years ago) and seems to avoid my mother as much as possible. She also really hates our aunt, who is our only other local relative (my mother's sister). She refuses to come over for Christmas unless it's arranged for our aunt not to be there. Everything with her is hate, hate, hate, avoid, avoid, avoid, disgust, disgust, disgust. Nobody but nobody lives up to her high standards, everybody's apparently let her down or done her wrong.

 

And like me, she doesn't have any family of her own to support -- so that's no excuse.

 

Meanwhile, I'm the one who runs around looking out for our parents, keeping them company, helping them with expenses, listening to their problems as they get older and more fragile.

 

I'm just afraid that when one or both of them finally passes on, I'm really going to let her have it at the funeral(s). Especially, I don't know what I'm going to do when our aunt passes on. My sister is filled with so much unreasonable hatred toward that woman (apparently her big crime was showing up drunk and rambling once at her house), I don't even want to see her face at the funeral because I don't know what I'm going to do or say. Last Christmas I came very close to kicking my sister out of the house because my sister started treating my aunt very snottily at the family gathering for no reason at all - just because she was annoyed my aunt was there.

 

I have done everything for our parents - financially and emotionally -

and she has done NOTHING. I have put up with difficulties she doesn't even know about. I don't know how I'm going to control my true feelings when our parents are no longer alive.

 

I would love to NOT have that happen but my sister is apparently so allergic to anything resembling honesty that the last time I brought up anything about taking care of our parents in their old age (ie our mother) was when I asked her if she could help out with getting my mom a used car. The answer was "Hm, well, I don't think I have enough money" and meanwhile she was running up thousands in debt buying crap from Pottery Barn for her house (where she lives ALONE I might add). I had to wind up buying my mother a car just so she could get to her job.

 

This is so stupid... things didn't have to be this way, so lopsided and idiotic. It certainly isn't good for one sibling to be doing everything (who wants to develop a martyr complex? not me) and the other to be doing so little But she seems to care not one bit. Why is she so selfish? Can someone help me understand what I'm not seeing? Why is she so tremendously disappointed and disdainful about the rest of her family? What did we ever do to her????

[Mustang Sally]

Well.

I'm not a real big proponent of karma usually, but in situations of caring for one's elders (especially when they are one's parents) I happen to think that the universe has a way of rectifying inequitable (and disrespectful) situations such as you have described.

 

But that's just me.

 

Hang in there. You're doing the right thing. That may have to be enough for you, you know?

[Jilly Bean]

NK, I am pretty much in the same boat as you. I am the ONLY one who has stepped up for my parents. Hell, I even moved to their city to be closer and help them!

 

So, I have resentment towards my siblings for sure. BUT, what has helped me get over that are a few things.

 

1 - When it is all said and done, I will know in my heart that I did EVERYTHING in my power to make their final years as pleasant and easy as possible. That's an exceptional thing to know about yourself and something you will carry FOREVER. Will she be able to do the same?

 

2 - I am the lucky one who gets to spend this time with them. Again, when it is all said and done, will your sister be able to say the same? Has she been busy building memories, or burning bridges?

 

Remember, it's not a contest. You are being a good child because you choose to. Because that is who you are. At the end of the day, you can look yourself in the mirror and know you are a damn good person, and that you put them above yourself many times over. THAT is something so amazing, and truly should help you rise above her pettiness.

[NotKelly]

I just want to know WHY my sister wants to have almost nothing to do with us. What is it about the rest of us that makes her so embarrassed and disappointed in us? And I don't mean "us" like we're all a unit - she treats each of us rottenly in her own way. Despite being as nice and polite and hospitable as possible, and never confronting her about her lousy attitude. I just don't get it.

 

When she comes over, I always ask her about her job and listen to her talk (and OH how she loves to talk about herself) about her work. Do you think she ever gives me the same courtesy? I'll say something about my job and she just ignores it. Needless to say, she never asks me about my job or things that I do.

 

She was engaged to be married once... called off 6 weeks before the wedding because her boyfriend admitted he'd been cheating on her and didn't want to get married. Well, guess what, she HATED his family even before they got engaged, all she did was tell us what hicks they were and so on and so forth. No wonder he dumped her - I'm sure he sensed the disdain. Everyone is such a f---ing disappointment to her. Nobody is ambitious enough, nobody makes enough money, nobody has nice enough clothes or clean enough houses... Apparently she thought the perfect world of the Brady Bunch was REAL. I don't know why she turned out to be such a snob... we were just an ordinary working class family and were by no means "poor."

 

Maybe someday she will fall off her high horse, but somehow I think she's going to punish her family for all eternity.

 

as for spending time with the parents, I'm pretty much my mother's constant companion now. Sometimes I don't want to be, but my sister has my mother so intimidated that my mother would never dream of picking up the phone and venting her troubles on her OTHER daughter. It's just crazy, it's not right for it to be so lopsided. But any time I even bring up things like money and support, my sister all but threatens to leave the room. It is just not to be spoken of.

 

It isn't an easy job to have all this responsibility... and it's terribly sad watching my parents getting older and more frail... and I'm supposed to do this all by myself. I think she's a spoiled brat and I shudder to think of what I will say to her when one of our parents dies. I really want to know why she has disowned our father. If there's something I don't know I'd like to know about it, otherwise I just have to assume she is simply an unforgiving, hard hearted BITCH.

[D-Lish]

You can't change who your sister is, and from your description, it doesn't sound as if your sister cares what others think. Take solace in the fact that you do what you can to the best of your ability. It's simply about choice. If your sister doesn't wish to be involved and wishes to be hateful... She can't be a happy individual.

[Ronni_W]

I just want to know WHY my sister wants to have almost nothing to do with us.

By not at least trying to start a conversation about this with your sister NOW, aren't you just doing a different version of "hatred, avoidance and disgust"?

Because it's kind of coming across that you've also GOT that bottled up inside, and you're just saving it all up until after your parents die. That doesn't actually seem as if it is your instinctive nature, or how you want to and are trying to live your own life but, based on your posts, it does seem to be a part of what's going on for you.

 

 

What you are doing for your parents is also what you are doing for yourself -- that is the kind of person and daughter YOU want to be, it's your self-image. It is admirable, of course and, like another poster said, your choice.

 

For whatever her reasons, your sister has chosen something different. I get that her choice makes it more difficult for you to uphold and carry out your choice but, at the end of the day, that isn't something for which she is responsible.

[vintagecat]

Your sister may be a grade A biotch or there may be more to the story than she has let on to you or anyone else. Either way, it doesn't matter. You are making your choices, she is making hers.

 

If you are really strapped and need help maybe your sister would be more inclined to help you financially so you can get home health care for your folks or whatever to get a break, otherwise there is no forcing someone to love and care for another regardless of whether they should by familial obligation or not.

 

It's not what you wanted to hear but it is what it is unfortunately.

[vintagecat]

Oh and I forgot to say that the behavior that you are ascribing to your sister has it's own "rewards" and there is no need to blast her at a funeral or any other time. Either it's constructive dialog or forget it and cut her loose to live and let live.

 

Best wishes in this tough scenario.

[Desperado620]

I also have a sister who is grade A choice biznatch. There is no why, she just lives in her own universe where everthing revolves around her. She treats the people around her like dirt, like she is entitled to more than everyone else just because of who she is, and manages to surround herself with people who will eat a mile of her shyte. I feel like at the end of her life, she's going to be a lonely and empty person with no one to blame but herself... although she'll still be blaming us!

 

I feel very certain that I will find myself in the same situation as you are many years down the road. I hope that I am better prepared because I can see it coming, but I don't think it will make it any easier. You just have to find strength and satisfaction knowing that YOU are a good person and YOU did the right thing. I'm a firm beliver in Karma, and though you may never see it, your sister will reap what she has sewn. (Sp?)

[lemony fresh]

Do you think your father may have sexually abused your sister?

[AnLandy]

Do you think your father may have sexually abused your sister?

 

I was wondering about this, too. The patterns of behavior that she is displaying are classic adult methods to cope with sexual abuse and incest.

 

That said, I can feel your pain, except from the other side. For the past four years I have watched as my father sat on his ass and did nothing to help his two sisters in caring for their parents. My dad acts as though he has no role in their lives anymore, and I find it kind of sad. Of course, he will be the one screaming the loudest about his ungrateful children who never help him out or give him financial support. I'm just going to claim that I learned by his example;) (Seriously, as the only sibling who is single and doesn't have kids, I have already been informed that mom and dad will be my responsibility.)

 

Why are you your mother's "constant companion"? Doesn't she have friends? Isn't there a senior's center in the area where she can meet people? Have you talked to social services about respite care, so you can have some time to yourself? My community operates a volunteer network of support for caregivers. If there is something similar in your community, maybe it's time to reach out? Also, there are a lot of caregiver support groups available through local hospitals, community centers, and churches.

 

I taught my mom how to use the Internet, so she can now shop from home and do her gorcery shopping online. I found a grocery chain that delivers for a minimal fee, so she doesn't have to drive, lift, or cary heavy items. She can also reserve her library books online, and the bookmobile will drop them at the branch right near her house. She even joined Netflix so she won't have as many errands to run. And, miracle of miracles, I found a medical practice that actually makes housecalls!!!

 

The Net has also provided her with a broader community to socialize with. She has joined a couple of meetup groups and an online book club. She can communicate with her doctors via e-mail, instead of having to make an appointment for every little issue, like a specialist referal. She even checks in with me every couple of days to just let me know how she's doing.

 

As for the money issue, I can understand your resentment. But, again, it is your sister's money. No one has the right to dictate to her how it should be spent.

 

You might want to consider having a conversation with your parents about the cost of their care and what you are contributing financially to them. I discussed this with my mom, and she and dad have adjusted their estate to provide some compensation. For example, I'm the backup beneficiary on all of their life insurance policies, but all three of us kids have an equal share in their assets, such as the house and some land that they own. We were all in agreement that, even though my siblings can't afford to contribute financially to the long-term care of our parents, I also shouldn't be penalized financially simply because I don't have kids to raise. It took some work, but we were able to discuss the financial implications in a rational way. I simply pointed out that by funding mom and dad's disability, life, and long-term care insurance, I am losing discretionary income that I could be investing for my own retirement. When I put it that way, my parents and sister were very understanding.

 

Wanting to protect your own financial future is NOT selfish. I don't know how receptive your parents or sister would be to this conversation, but it might be worth the effort.

 

Finally, your sister does sound like a bitch. It seems that every generation of every family has that one mega-bitch or mega-dick that no one likes and everyone merely tollerates. Your sister may just be that person in this generation. However, it does sound like there is a lot of lingering resentment on your part.

[NotKelly]

Do you think your father may have sexually abused your sister?

I doubt it... I can't remember a time when they were ever alone, and my sister and I shared a bedroom, so... I think I would have seen something if there was something THAT amiss. My father was never really around when we were kids... he seemed to try to be gone from the house as much as possible. He was either working 2nd or 3rd shift or was out with his friends, or out working on his cars, or in the dining room reading a book and seemingly desperately trying to pretend he was somewhere else. I think we kids cramped his style. Plus, all my sister ever did throughout her whole life was mouth off to him. She seems to have disdained everyone in the family since birth, not just him. (She once came after me with a knife when she had a tantrum when my parents weren't around - but I was so used to that kind of rage from her, I didn't even think it was weird.) My father certainly didn't have any control over her whatsoever, and doesn't have a very controlling personality in general. I've wondered anything and everything about the roots of her hostility (including some really awful possibilities), but that just doesn't seem to be it.

 

It has to be mentioned that "not speaking" is endemic on my father's side of the family. I think every person in HIS immediate family has gone through a period where they're not speaking to someone else in the family. Bunch of bull****. So, she's her father's daughter all right.

 

Actually to be fair to my sister I wonder if she may have some kind of bipolar thing going on because she has always been prone to rages of some kind.

 

Why are you your mother's "constant companion"? Doesn't she have friends? Isn't there a senior's center in the area where she can meet people?

Because she's shy. She always has been. She isn't a sociable person. Join a senior center? Ha ha. She is NOT a "joiner." She used to get along fine with casual work acquaintances when she had a job to go to, but with no job, she hasn't got any entry into the social world. And she doesn't mind, because she has ME.

[Ronni_W]

She isn't a sociable person. ... She is NOT a "joiner." ...she hasn't got any entry into the social world. ... because she has ME.

Since I got out of her way and stopped limiting her, my mom has been surprising herself in delightful ways, over how self-reliant and self-sufficient she actually is capable of being.

 

I limited my mom by always doing and being there for her. I enabled her. I was co-dependent. That is the pattern that you are describing, too.

 

It was incredibly tough on me, to change my part of things, and my mom was even more resistant and reluctant. I suspect it will also be the same for you two. But, from my own experience, I would highly recommend that you just tough it out -- the rewards will be great for the BOTH of you.

[waleen]

Adult sibling relationships are diverse—they range from love to detachment to hatred. Solidarity and rivalry coexist in many sibling relationships. Recognizing feelings and understanding how relationships with siblings developed in childhood and over time can help. Such understanding is essential, particularly when a parent’s health or circumstances change and adult children must assist a parent or sibling.

People change over the years. Childhood images of a brother or sister many now be outdated. The youngest who was always thought to be too young to have anything to offer may not be recognized for abilities in adulthood. The child who shouldered greater responsibility when young may be viewed as the family decision maker.

If you and your siblings are still relating to each other as you did when you were children, your ways of relating may need to be reevaluated. Distorted perceptions form less effective relationships.