Consused Man Posted July 28, 2003 Share Posted July 28, 2003 I'm looking for a little help and your opinions on my current situation. I won't even be able to put into words how complex my life feels to me right now, but maybe you'll get enough to give me some advice. I'm a man and have been married for 4 years. My marriage can be described as one of "stability" more than one of "passion". While we enjoy each other's company, there is no intimacy (physical or emotional). My wife doesn't like to kiss, hug, basically anything physical. Also, she is very closed with her feelings towards most things/people (including me). I knew she was somewhat like this before being married, but it got much worse after the "newness" of the marriage wore off (my opinion). I’ve tried talking about our lack of intimacy, but with no success: that talk always leads to her saying: “I don’t know why….” and crying on her part, so I don’t know what’s going on here. However, she seems to be quite happy. And while this is part of problem, it’s not all of it. About 6 months ago, I fell in love with a coworker (whom I’ve worked side-by-side with for 1.5 years), although I didn’t realize it at the time. This is someone I spend all day working with. We eat lunch together almost every day (sometimes in groups, but many times just the two of us) and go out for drinks after work (nothing more than as coworkers/friends). Several months ago, her live-in fiancée broke up with her (she had/is having a hard time with the break up). He was an old friend whom she started dating after her marriage of 9 years ended (2 years ago now). 2 months ago, she accepted a transfer out of state to go “have an adventure”. This is something she's always wanted to do, and the breakup made leaving home seem like a good idea. It was when she accepted the transfer and told me she was leaving that my world turned upside down. It was then that I realized that I had fallen deeply in love with her. It was then that I realized my life had become very complicated all of a sudden. I haven't told her anything of my feelings. It was the fact of her leaving my daily life that made me realize that my marriage of stability might not be what I was looking for. I felt I wanted more of my coworker in my life, not less. I am now trying to decide what to do. I’d really like to tell my coworker how I feel (or at least a little of how I feel) because I want to know if there’s anything there from her side (maybe it’s way to soon after her breakup, or is it?). But I wonder how would she react? I mean, I’m married after all, although she and I are close enough that she knows that I’m having difficulty with the type of relationship my marriage is right now. As a married man, do I have the right to even talk about anything with her? Do I need to resolve my marriage before pursuing her? Do I need to let her go on her adventure without telling her how I feel, because she needs it. I’m seeking professional counseling, but would “your” opinions as well. Thank you. Gary Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted July 28, 2003 Share Posted July 28, 2003 as a married man, no i think you have no right talking to her about this. i think you need to seek professional help with your wife, work this stuff out. DO NOT let it continue. if things get worse, set up a fair divorce, move on, give it a few months and then say something to this woman. i would think it sad if you did this otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
aguywhoknows Posted August 12, 2003 Share Posted August 12, 2003 ahh this jalexy has posted the 100 percent opposite of what you wanted to hear...but he is also 100 percent correct. if you mention this to your coworker, youd better be prepared for the worst case senario...she may let out your little secret to the other workers,and this may drift back to your wife.remember, men and women think differently...to you its passion..to her it might be you being a no good lying cheating husband. im sure the fantasy has been fun. and at least youve had that...the excitement of going to work and being near her. so ither be a man and take jalexys advise, or let it go,wasnt meant to happen. i feel for you brother, im going through same exact thing...only my coworker isnt going anywhere hehe Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 12, 2003 Share Posted August 12, 2003 I can certainly understand why you might feel confused and unable to make a rational decision right now regarding the uncertainty of your romantic future. Feeling trapped in what you perceive to be the dull-dome of your married life, you are desperately reaching out for any spark of hope, fantasizing that somehow this co-worker/friend will be the one to come to your “rescue” and help you make a decision that you, yourself, don’t have the courage to make. By confessing your feelings to your co-worker, you are inadvertently delegating your responsibilities to someone else…allowing whatever response you get in return to be the deciding factor in the fate of your marriage. If your co-worker doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, would you then be content to remain in your “secure” and “comfortable” marriage and work things out? --- And if by some small chance, she professes her love, would you suddenly find the courage to leave your wife…or even worse, be tempted to begin an outside affair?? Such life-altering decisions should not be left to chance or given to someone else to make for you. You must pull your head out of the fantasy long enough to think rationally and consider all the possible outcomes and consequences of your actions. The worse case scenario is that you may end up loosing both your wife and your best friend. Are you so unhappy in your marriage that you would prefer to spend the rest of your life alone if this should happen? If so, then by all means rescue “yourself” now, before professing your love to someone else. Then, if the two of you are meant to come together, it will be with a clean conscious and no residual feelings of guilt which will only stand in the way of developing a strong, healthy relationship later on. You may be “confused,” but you’re still thinking. And that’s GOOD! But remember, there is no such thing as a “safe” risk… Link to post Share on other sites
km82794 Posted August 12, 2003 Share Posted August 12, 2003 Such life-altering decisions should not be left to chance or given to someone else to make for you. You must pull your head out of the fantasy long enough to think rationally and consider all the possible outcomes and consequences of your actions. The worse case scenario is that you may end up loosing both your wife and your best friend. Well said, I ditto that!!! Link to post Share on other sites
helper101 Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 if your marrage is in the dumps after four years you should end it. the marrage is only going to get worse. i would tell your co-worker how you feel and tell her that your feelings will never change for her. you should always pusue your heart not knowing what going to happen. its better to tell her because then you will look back on this and ask yourself what COULD have happend would my life be any better than it is now? Link to post Share on other sites
my_mother's_daughter Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 But I wonder how would she react? She'll either want to reciprocate or she won't As a married man, do I have the right to even talk about anything with her? We are all free individuals to do as we please. We need only live with the consequences of our actions. The consequence in this case would be a rightfully pissed off, upset wife... Do I need to resolve my marriage before pursuing her? This one single sentence is very telling to me. You use the word resolve as though the only resolution is separation. Unless you want to make things work with your wife and then cheat on her... Do I need to let her go on her adventure without telling her how I feel, because she needs it. Leaving you free to f**k around behind her back?? Speak to your wife, decide what you both want. Don't cheat on your wife - you'd be worse than a scumbag if you did No exceptions, no excuses. Link to post Share on other sites
NGneer Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Gary (confused man) This is amazing to me. You're story is so much like mine that I am a bit bothered by this. I to have been married to my wife for 4 years, with our marriage being just as you described yours. I too, have a friend of many years that I would see daily at the gym, and email back and forth daily. She recently moved out of state. The move has bothered me badly. I am in the same situation with one difference. My "friend" is my first crush back in school days, and I have adored her since then (over 15 yrs ago). My wife and I have been together for almost 12, and I believe that I fell in love with my wife because she is so much like my "friend". She looks like her, is conservative like her, comes from the same type of family background. I think that subconsciously I looked for those traits. I sometimes feel as if I married my "friends" replacement. Anyhow, this is a very confusing situation for me, and I am interested to know what you do in your situation, and what you have learned. NGneer Link to post Share on other sites
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