Friends for 15 years. Talk every day. Used to have sex. I married someone else.

[asriella]

This is a long story. I'll try to keep it brief. I'm confused to this day and I guess I just want to figure out if this friend I have is in love with me.

 

So, we went to college together and were close, but turbulent, friends. We had sex for the first time with one another and slept on and off for the following 4 years as "friends". He said he wouldn't commit to a relationship with anyone including me. I just dealt with being "one" of his, but it was painful. And, during those years, he did date someone exclusively for several months.

 

10 years later, I got married. Just prior to this, he started to come around again...and very often. He called often and told me, rather vaguely, that he did love me. I felt like he didn't want me to get married, but he said nothing.

 

15 years have passed and over the past five years we've gotten closer. He calls me every day for a half hour on his work breaks. I see him on the weekends. We talk about doing projects together.

 

We fight very often and loudly about silly things, but he is still my closest friend and I'm definitely his. He often talks about how my husband is a saint for being with me and that he'd want to kill me if we were married. He doesn't believe in marriage. He doesn't even commit to anyone.

 

He did tell me that he made a mistake with me during our college years. He also admitted that he was pretending not to have a girlfriend while he was with me. These things were very consoling for me, but I take them with a grain of salt.

 

He admits that he wants to have sex with me. I see him look at me lustfully. But I wonder if he loves me. He's often very mean to me and very negative about me. He picks me apart, criticizing everything about me saying that no one will admit it to me but him. Yet, he refers to me as his wife -- to me and to other people we know.

 

I can't figure it out. He says he can't stand me, yet calls me every day. He considers me his closest friend, yet has very little to say about me positively. In the background of all of this, we have fun together as much as we don't.

 

I will always have a special place in my heart for this guy. That's why I'm friends with him. I love him in my heart, despite the fact that I'm married. My husband knew that this came with the package. My friend has always known that I've loved him and recently told me that he knew I still loved him and that I missed having sex with him.

 

I get confused by what my feelings are and what I should be trying to do with them. I get confused with my own feelings (up and down), but more confused by his. Is it possible he's just my friend...sexually attracted to me, but not emotionally attracted to me?

 

We've been friends for 15 years. He hates helping me do anything often saying "that's for your husband to do". He is difficult, he conflicts with me, yet this is what our relationship is. From anyones outside view, it's clear I have a little something for him, but unclear if he has something for me.

 

I don't want anyone to comment on the fact that I'm married. I know that and am dealing with that. For me to feel free of this, I really just want to hear it straight. Is he in love with me. Was he ever in love with me. Can he really love me as a friend like that, but have sexual feelings that are not emotionally tied. What is all this.

[carhill]

Yikes, and I thought I had problems...

 

I personally think he's just not communicating his emotions properly. It's like he knows what he wants to say and it just comes out wrong.

 

There's a lot of stuff going on here, on a lot of levels. Tell me, what healthy, positive things do you get out of this friendship? Is it the conflict between you which attracts you to him? The mystery of the conflicts within him? What?

 

IMO, either you're compartmentalized or there's something unhealthy going on in your M. You're spending way to much time and emotion on this friend. I know because I've done exactly the same thing. Take a break from the friendship for a month and you'll see what I mean.

[asriella]

Thank you so much for writing about it.

 

It's the mystery for sure. It's the fact that I wasn't able to have him. It was the amazing sex, that I thought we were connected emotionally in. And for me, the conflicts are a release of my own sexual energy.

 

But more than all of that, it's him. He's not normal, and neither am I. He's an artist -- constantly creating and living by his own rules. That makes us natural friends. Our humor and projects keep us active friends.

 

I've tried 4 times to end this friendship and I can't seem to do it. Either I cave in or he waits awhile and then tries me again. It's like he's part of me.

[Tony T]

This guy's real attraction to you now is because you are married and unavailable. If you were footloose, fancy free and expressed a passionate interest in him he would have little to do with you. There are people like this who, for one reason or another, only feel comfortable having a relationship with someone who is otherwise encumbered. Right from the start there is no risk whatsoever, a person already knows the end game.

 

The guy probably cares a great deal for you but that's where it stops. For some reason, he is terrified of long term, healthy relationships with people he loves. He'll probably always be there for you...as long as you aren't there for him.

 

Think back at all the women he's been interested in in the past. My bet is that he has never reported an emotionally close relationship with someone whose heart and soul was totally into him and him only.

 

This is his psychological problem and not yours. I hope this helps.

[norajane]

No, he isn't and was never in love with you. Yes, he does love you as a friend, and yes he is sexually attracted (you said the sex was fantastic) but the compelling sex is separate from any emotional feelings.

 

He is not a man who wants commitment, or will ever commit. So he has partial-relationships with women who each give him something he wants, but never with anyone he gives ALL of himself to.

 

He loves you, but keep in mind, that his view of love isn't necessarily yours - it's not the kind of love that causes a grown-up man to actually want to be with you in every way. He loves you in his way, which isn't with an open heart. Love isn't the guiding force behind his life.

[asriella]

I think you guys are right on. I have never posted this anywhere. It is my shameful secret. Every post is so helpful and so intelligent. Thank you for being direct, honest and sensitive.

[carhill]

Try this: Tell him you'll be taking a break to work on your marriage. Do not accept any contact or initiate any yourself. Refocus that emotional and sexual energy on something else, perhaps maybe your husband

 

I've tried 4 times to end this friendship and I can't seem to do it. Either I cave in or he waits awhile and then tries me again. It's like he's part of me.

 

I know what you mean. I've been dealing with the same thing on an off for over 20 years. Longest break was 14 years. It didn't really matter. Main difference is either she or I was/is married so no sex. Plenty of desire though. That frustration IMO ended our most recent "on" period. Well, it did for me anyway, because it started coming out in exactly the same inappropriate ways as you've heard from your friend. It's like I know what I need to do and say but the intensity of the interaction takes on a life of its own and I make a complete idiot of myself.

 

Follow my journals as I work my way through no contact (NC) (16 days now) and try to end whatever this connection is. Maybe we can help each other I really think NC is going to be your best bet. I would augment this with MC (marriage counseling) to keep you focused on and engaged in your marriage and provide you with clarity regarding your attraction to your friend. I know MC has helped me immensely.

 

You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is part of the complexity of being human. It'll all work out

[asriella]

decided against posting this...

[carhill]

Yes, a bit too much detailed information. All I'll say is that definitive action must come from you IMO. I recognize some of the signs of obsession in him (I dealt with that issue in myself many years ago) and see how unhealthy the results are, for both of you. I think Tony's comments are spot-on.

 

The more I hear other's stories and read LS, the more I'm convinced that, in spite of seemingly impossible "connections" (beyond sexual/romantic), people still need to be compatible. It's kind of like having a benign "evil twin", where evil isn't bad, but sufficiently different that it affects a person at the elemental psychological level. It's like being tugged in a direction by forces beyond your control, again having nothing to do with love and romance.

 

Perhaps some people's psyche's are more vulnerable to such phenomena and mine is one of them. I'll likely never know. All I (and you) can do is take action in the here and now to do what our minds and moral codes tell us is the right thing, even if it feels "wrong" (the opposite).

 

Hope we've helped in some small way

[asriella]

I didn't accept his call yesterday.

I'm seeing him a little differently.

It's a hundred percent because of you guys.

I feel like things are starting.

 

Thanks.

[asriella]

Mark_n

 

Although I respect that you're giving it to me "straight" and although there's some truth in what you're writing, both critically of me and my situation, there's a lot of "fill in the blanks". I could care less about what you think, since you've sized me up as a cheating whore, but I do care what everyone else thinks -- even if they don't know me.

 

In terms of me being "easy", you are wrong. I was never promiscious and this guy was my first. I had sex with people i can count on one hand. And flirting? Did you READ my post? For the most part, all we do is argue with a rare and akward occurence. Did you "get" that?

 

As for my "feelings", they aren't always there. This is something I didn't write, because when I was writing, they were there. Half the time there is nothing. I have flare ups. But am I going to come on here and go into great detail about the times when I don't feel anything? So before you go assuming I sit around all day pining and lusting (as we sluts do), think again. I'm cutting to the crunch here and presenting the strongest of these feelings.

 

Thirdly, you are a jerk. I feel bad that someone has emotionally cheated on you. I feel badly that someone has physically cheated on you. It's the only reason I can think that you're so "angered" by this post and labeling me based on your imaginings. I'm sorry some slut ruined your life. But you know what? I'm not her.

 

I'm assuming you can't possibly be married because if you were, you'd know that it's not a Waltons episode despite our best wishes. (as to next allegation as to my marriage). I have a pretty decent marriage with a husband that doesn't "kick me out on my ass" as you suggested in an effort to put me in my "place".

 

Having said that, I'm deleting my account here and it's all because of you Mark-n. Congratulations! Way to keep the site from growing! Way to keep people from being honest! Way to make this a place where people pretend and don't say what's going on! You did it! You made me leave! You are truly an alpha male with a big fat gun rack on the top of your truck, nice big holes where there were some teeth, copy of Deliverance on the dash, and wow...that xxl flannel in red is perfect for you.

 

Isn't it awesome to be stereotyped?

[2sunny]

hello - and welcome...

 

don't go just because some random poster tells you something in an unkind way...

 

remember what you are here for... help.

 

if you want to you can go to that marcn's post and put him on ignore if that helps. then you no longer view what he writes.

 

there are many posters here with immense wisdom and kind hearts!

 

you will find their direction and perspective very comforting and forthright. the wisdom offered here is incredible and something you seem to need right now.

 

no need to go - just use the ignore button...

[asriella]

Thanks for your nice words 2sunny...

 

I tried to delete my account hoping my posts would delete, but to no avail so my threat was empty. Anyway, thanks. I'm tired right now so I might be taking Mark_n a little too seriously.

[carhill]

OP, if you are serious about deleting your account, contact one of the administrators. They can suspend your account and delete your posts/threads.

 

I would hope that you would stay, if only that your experiences could be a guide for others

 

You can go back to lurking. No need to be a chatterbox like me

 

BTW, I'm not surprised by your recitation of your sexual past. I'm 49 and have only been sexual with 4 women, including my wife. Not exactly the epitome of the horny male, I suppose. There are reasons for such things and you likely understand them well.

 

I think you'll figure this out. No rush. Since your H is aware, enlist his support. I wish my wife had supported me more (or at all) during my dark days prior to my contacting my old friend. Such likely would've obviated contact, not to mention preserved the health of our M.

 

Take care!

[2sunny]

just take a deep breathe and relax...

 

many poster here are very wise and insightful. they will help you - it is the beginning of a long holiday weekend though and many posters may be traveling.

 

carhill is a great source.

 

in the meantime i would ask yourself why you are willing to continue with this friendship when your heart tells you that something is inappropriate in conjunction with a married woman.

 

you may also want to consider HOW you can begin to make changes that will be more positive to your marriage and being committed to that relationship while reducing the attachment to your old friend.

 

the constant contact with the friend is just continually fueling the fire- so to speak.

 

can you possible share your feelings honestly with your husband? he may be good support as to your position and encouragement to reduce the attraction for the friend.

[Mary3]

I don't see his criticism of you and he mean attitude as * loving you *

 

How can you possibly benefit from all this ( except the sex is amazing I know ) and women oftentimes equate the sex with bonding.

 

I bet $ 5.00 if the sex stopped then he would not be trying to see you. I know you said : Great Friend " But what great friend sleeps with you , beats you down ? Is uneccessarily cruel and mean ? .

 

Now I could be wrong and both could presently not be having sex but the lust is in his eyes. It will likely last as long as you lay down with him.

 

I don't concern the marraige aspect and its not significant because you asked us to tell you what he actions mean .

 

I say there will always be a sexual chemistry. What you do with that chemistry is another matter...

[asriella]

Thanks for the thoughts. We haven't slept together in more than 10 years and aren't sleeping together now (I'm married). But your thoughts are well noted. We do have a real friendship that's been going strong (without sex) for many years. I think if the undercurrent were gone, things may change. I dont' think he expects to ever be with me again, but the history adds to the story.

 

Right now I'm in a "down time"and not really feeling emotionally connected to or even "on" to him. My apathy is half the time, and that's when we are most genuinely friends.

 

This is a very complicated and annoying situation for me and it would be much easier if we were both women. We would be great friends then and there'd be none of this other stuff. I don't know that I really believe that men and women can be friends without complications if there is even the slightest attraction.

 

Thanks for writing to this. I appreciate it.

[Miss Stress]

I haven't read the other responses. My gut feeling says that you had a parent that was verbally harsh or witheld love. This leaves a mark on your brain that can make someone who treats you the same irresistable. You feel this strong chemical reaction. And it is a REAL reaction. Your brain is highly sensitive to those first tracks that were laid where you associated being treated this way as LOVE.

 

And maybe it is his way of showing love. But that does not make it healthy for you. It might make it exciting but it does not make it healthy. Kind of like doing drugs. Might be exciting but there will be a high price to pay that you can't see until you get there and fall apart.

 

Just my guess ...

[underpants]

I read this and thought ......of my ex.

 

He has (or tries to have) that "connection" with his ex's. All of them or any who will allow it. The most gullible over time are the most revered.

 

He fancies himself an artist as well. He will almost force his friendship upon ex's. He will wrap you into an emotional pretzel if you allow it. Push pull ad nausem. I used to wonder why his ex's stayed in contact given his not so nice behavior during a relationship. Then I saw the post break up side and figured many just found it easier to appease him with the occassional contact. He could be unrelenting.

 

I wouldn't be so sure you were the only iron in the fire with him.

 

If you love you husband then put your focus there. If aside from this ex, you do not love your H then address and deal with that.

 

If this dude could not commit to you then, and as you said treated you poorly. Then he may just be running a routine in his head, playing with someone married and therefore ...safe from commitment. I'm sorry a delusional game that he reruns because he can. How much will you enable this.

 

You have choices, decisions and priorties as well, you know.

 

My advice would be to break away hard, distance yourself and focus on you marriage.

 

I wish you peace from this. However, you have to take some hard actions.

[cjanee]

My goodness. It is unfortunate that people get slammed on here! I have already had my share and I have only been here a day. Anyways I think we are talking about the same man! The guy I am with refuses to commit to anyone and always comes around all turned on whenever I try to cut loose. As soon as I am into him he takes off! It's been two years of this and I suspect that he would still EXPECT to be in my life once I am married.

 

My guy also puts me down is critical and often says things like," I am only telling you this because I am being honest and no one else will tell you.

 

Yes he is in love with you but it is in the way that he is capable of which is certainly not a grown up love. It's quite selfish and yet somehow he has made it work for him.

 

Don't give up on your marriage. Put this guy into perspective. If he wanted to be with you in a married committed way I think you both would have talked about that being a real possibility by now.

[lala13]

he may love you, but he doesn't love you the way that you view love. you may be his safety net, his original idea of love and he may find that hard to let go of.

 

really, if you don't feel comfortable with the way he acts with you, maybe you need to just let it be and not talk to him for a while. he should understand that even without explanation since you are, in fact, married.

 

good luck and don't take it too seriously. love your husband and live life as you want.