jordan Posted July 28, 2003 Share Posted July 28, 2003 I recently told the girl I love and have been with for three years that I need to "take a break." I realized that she might be hurt and confused and so it was difficult to ask for space. What I didn't realize was how hurt and confused I'd still be. I guess I thought there would be some sort of clarity after telling her, since I'd been thinking about making such a decision for a couple of months now. I thought perhaps I'd feel relieved. But there's none of that. Instead I feel empty, lost, and hurt, and I miss her. I really wish I wasn't so confused. Am I fooling myself? Is a break just an inevitable break-up? She's wonderful and has done nothing wrong in the relationship. I just feel like I have lost myself somewhere, and do not have anything to give to her during this confusing time of my life. She wants to be there for me during this, but I just feel like I'm not giving her anything and would rather not drag her down with me right now, b/c I know she feels insignificant when I'm in this state of mind. So I guess my question is what does a break mean? Can it realistically happen? I feel like I can lose her forever by doing this, but also feel like I can lose her forever if I don't (if that makes any sense). Any insights or experiences on this subject would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted July 28, 2003 Share Posted July 28, 2003 there is another post in here abotu this, not sure where it is. but it had good ideas in it. for me, i would say breaks lead to break-ups.....good luck Link to post Share on other sites
julieg Posted July 28, 2003 Share Posted July 28, 2003 i was you some 20 years ago with one of the greatest and first love of my life. i took a break from 4 year relationship with a great guy all around--nice, kind, handsome and well off. he turned around and married the first girl he met after me on the rebound. i think needing a break at anytime in a relationship is an omen of a total break in the future. speaking from experience- i dated over 29 guys after my first love and except for the men that dumped me, i was always feeling like i needed to be inaccessible when the relationship for me was beginning to wane. the 30th man i met had the right everything and i was ready to settle down. all this dating between my first love and mr. right took ten years. its all about timing and maturity. i think needing a break is a sign of immaturity. this girl is not ready to settle down. i hope this helps! Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted July 29, 2003 Share Posted July 29, 2003 29 guys? holy, that's quite a few. Although divided by 10 years, it's about 3 a year - sounds reasonable. just commenting... -yes Link to post Share on other sites
julieg Posted July 29, 2003 Share Posted July 29, 2003 dear yes, out of the 29, many were 1-4 date encounters. some were strictly platonic great buddies which helped me get over serious relationships that fell apart. besides my husband i have only slept with 4 other guys- all monogamous long-t relationships except 1. i really learned a lot from dating many people. about men and more importantly what to look for in a husband when it was time to finally settle down. julieg Link to post Share on other sites
my_mother's_daughter Posted July 29, 2003 Share Posted July 29, 2003 I think we're missing something here. WHY did you fell the need to take a break, you haven't been totally clear on that. - Do you love her romantically or as a friend? - Do you feel you need to be single, if so why? a new desire for personal space? or to meet someone else? - has there been any abuse/cheating or any major problems in the relationship that you need to get away from? I think you need to be *completely* honest with yourself about why you wanted to be alone for a time. Until you know the answer to that one, you won't be able to make a decision either way. Completely honest. No-one is watching Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted July 29, 2003 Share Posted July 29, 2003 The above poster is getting to the heart of the matter. I think there's another question you might ask yourself: what is going on with you -- you specifically, not the relationship -- that you feel unsettled about? I don't think "taking a break" can be attributed to the same cause across relationships, nor will it lead to the same outcome. What it universally indicates is that something is not right. That something might be the relationship itself, or it might be one or both of the involved people. You were the person who sought the break, right? The best thing you can do for yourself, and for your ex, is to actively explore why you needed to make that break. Explore everything, don't assume the answer lies in the relationship or with your girlfriend. Explore it for its own sake, not with the urgent goal of getting it taken care of so you can get back together with your girlfriend. When you've figured it out and resolved the issues, maybe you'll be in a position to reconnect with your girlfriend. Maybe you won't. Maybe she won't want to anymore. You can't know that right now. All you can do is be true to yourself and follow the instinct that led you to end things with her for the time being. Figure out what you need to figure out, and then see where you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jordan Posted July 29, 2003 Author Share Posted July 29, 2003 thank you for all these responses. i am dealing with a deep depression which seems to run in my family, and i was realizing i was dragging her down with me. she was starting to feel inadequate, like i didn't care about the relationship or her. but i don't think she understands what depression really is - a totally hopeless feeling - and i had no desire to go out or do anything. i wasn't able to give to her b/c i am not even able to give myself anything right now. so i need to break to get my stuff together, at least to the point where i can give a little more. i really have been doing some soul-searching and dont think i'm bs'ing myself. it's not about seeing other girls, it's just about being happier. but someone raised a good point. i do love her as a friend, perhaps more so than romantically. will this inevitably end our relationship? our love was never based on lust, which was odd b/c my past relationships have only been based on lust. i thought that was the reason that she was the one? but is a spicy relationship just as important or more important than just having a companion with whom a plain sex life exists with? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 29, 2003 Share Posted July 29, 2003 Many people expect relationships to stay on a high forever. That's simply not their nature. They can be very wonderful for a long period of time in the beginning...then they can float up and down...or they can go flat. But that's a natural phenomenon. Oh, yes, you can go out and find another lady and get your highs again...but they won't last in a great many instances. The nature of relationships is that they can feel stale and boring sometimes. The trick is to have a life away from it. This taking a break crap is a bunch of BS. If you're with someone you love but things just aren't as exciting as you would like, talk it over and make some changes so you can get some excitement in life from other areas...and you can rejuvenate your relationship as well. Let's face it, if two people are together a great deal of time they can can get too used to each other, take each other for granted and the relationship can become unstable or uncomfortable. But in no way does that signal the end. That just means things are totally normal. By normal, I mean it is very possible to happen and that it happens a lot to quite a few people, not everybody, don't know the exact number. They will feel something has happened. It's just plain overexposure. People expect a lot from relationships...way too much than they can deliver over a long period. Relationships evolve and if you think you can just sit around and have it go on autopilot and stay wonderful, you are wrong. The depression of which you speak can play an significant role in your feelings. Also, your relationship can intensity your depression if you're not careful. No matter who you partner with from now until the end of the world, there will be phases in your relationship where you will feel cooped up, claustrophobic...but this time passes. Work on it and be patient. And, no, this doesn't happen to everybody. I don't know the statistics but there are people on the board who are monitoring my posts very carefully for generalizations so you must understand that I have no idea how many people exactly this happens to. A few of them died, actually, while I was posting this. Link to post Share on other sites
my_mother's_daughter Posted July 29, 2003 Share Posted July 29, 2003 i.e., that one about friend vs romance. I simply mean that it's possible to love someone a lot but to not want them romantically, this of course does include physical attraction to a certain degree. Yes, of course it's important that you consider your girlfriend/bf/spouse to be a friend, but if that is ALL they are to you, then you are depriving yourself and your sig. other of a real romantic relationship, this is what I meant by my query, do you love her as a friend? I understand what Tony is saying about the initial rush wearing off, but even then in my experience you do retain a small piece of this, if there is no trace of this feeling, it is possible that you care a great deal about her and you don't want to hurt her, and heck you may love being with her, but you don't feel that you love her in the way that you know you should. I think it's possible that I may have hit a nerve here?? so if I were you I'd ponder this one for a while.. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted July 29, 2003 Share Posted July 29, 2003 Commitment phobia? If your last "spicy romantic loves" were so great, then they would have lasted. So perhaps the "more normal plain" sex is lasting? I'm not sure. Lust is great for dating, but for marriage, I think love is the way to go. If you can look at the other person's face and absolutely love every cell, every line, every flaw of that face, it's love. If she's willing to stick out your depression with you, why should you decide she's NOT allowed to stick it out with you? And I have to stick my foot in my mouth at least once today, so it may as well be now... Depression. I for one am sick and tired of the Pharmaceutical advertising agencies telling us how depressed and sad we are. Look around you, there's always been reason to be sad, but what about all the reasons to be happy. Whether you need Prozac or not, that's your business, but the libido might wane, so that incurs more relationship problems. People are so ready to blame Mom and Dad and Mr. President and the Boss man and the Devil and Fido for peeing on the carpet. So what... Find something that makes you happy. I'm pretty sure it won't cost money. There's a difference between living and living well. AND FOR GOD'S SAKE SMILE AND LAUGH. THAT'S REALLY ALL WE HAVE ANYWAY. Link to post Share on other sites
RogueK Posted July 29, 2003 Share Posted July 29, 2003 Originally posted by Tony And, no, this doesn't happen to everybody. I don't know the statistics but there are people on the board who are monitoring my posts very carefully for generalizations so you must understand that I have no idea how many people exactly this happens to. A few of them died, actually, while I was posting this. lol. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted July 29, 2003 Share Posted July 29, 2003 Tony, oh dearest Dalai Lama Wannabee, It's my understanding the Dalai Lama is celebate... Why can't anyone ever see Clinton's wisdom in life? Link to post Share on other sites
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