confusedag Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 I have been married for 2 years, in the relationship for 8. We started dating when I was 16 and he was 18. We have never been with anybody else. Before we got married I had some doubts....but figured getting married would make it better. He went through a lot with me....a close family death that I struggled with for years, depression, an eating disorder, anxiety issues. I was unhappy with our marriage from the get-go. Even on our honeymoon I did not desire to be sexual with him. I thought it was something to do with me...causing me to sink even farther into depression. 6-8 months ago I realized that in order to be happy, I needed to be happy with myself first. I have been working on both my physical and mental health and am now happier than I have ever been in my life. However, I am still not happy with him. I have no sexual attraction to him......and often question my love for him. I sometimes think I resent him for lots of things in my life....I quit my sorority in college because he hated me being in it (made me feel so guilty that i became miserable living there), I studied abroad in Europe with guilt lingering over me because he did not wish for me to go in the first place and if I missed calling one night he would get terribly upset with me, I did not go out much in college because he would make me feel guilty for wanting to drink or hang out with my friends, he doesn't like to do very much social now (even just going out for a drink or cookout with work friends, mine or his). I am a different person than i was even a year ago. I have different goals now. I don't know that I want kids any more, and if I do, it won't be for several years. he was talking about kids in the very near future. I am finally making decisions for myself. I have always allowed my family, friends, or him to have the final say or hugest impact on my decisions. I'am going to grad school because I decided I wanted to, I took control of my physical and emotional well-being. Recently he said he thought I was acting distant. We went for a walk and talked. I told him how I felt. I told him i wasn't sexually attracted to him, ( we have sex MAYBE once every 2 weeks and usually I have to be drunk). I told him I was unsure if I was in love with him anymore and that I thought we should go to counseling. He somewhat blew me off and just said it was in my head. I then mentioned divorce. He freaked out. He went on to say, How could you do this to me, you promised me I was the only one, you said we were forever. he then proceeded to tell me one of my greatest fears "You will NEVER find anyone who will love you like I do...never...you will NEVER find anyone like me again. I am afraid of divorce..I don't know that this is what I want....I just feel like what we WERE is nothing like what we ARE.....we do very little together. I'd rather spend time with my friends or family than with him, I don't, nor have I ever, considered him my best friend. I do care about him, terribly, but I fear I lack the feeling that is necessary for a GOOD marriage. I am starting individual counseling soon....he said he would go since I mentioned divorce...but doesn't understand the point. Do you stay in a loveless marriage? How do you change to make things work?> Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 Question.. Is there perhaps another guy in the picture? Co-worker..friend? Someone that youhave discovered an attraction towards? Just curious. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 what you shared about him sent up a lot of red flags. He might not be physically abusive, but he's awfully possessive and jealous, and I can see how that would be the death-knell of your relationship. Basically, he wants you to stay in a little box and only *he* can take you out. you're not wrong to want to get out of the relationship, especially since you don't have a vested interest like kids from the marriage. The more you start growing, the more you're going to realize this relationship is wrong for you and that you need to get out. have a plan – find some place safe to go, start putting your own money aside for when you do make the break, let someone you trust know what's going on. That way when you DO leave, those things are already taken care of. as for the "no one will ever love you like I do" spiel, pay no attention. Right now, I think you understand that in order to be happy and to be loved, you must first concentrate on yourself. He's telling you these things because he's attempting to control you by whatever means he can, and making you feel unwantable is a good way of doing that ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedag Posted July 1, 2008 Author Share Posted July 1, 2008 There is no other man in the picture. There has not been in the two years we have been married. There were little crushes in college that passed....more of just liking the idea of them I imagined. When i had suggested dating around in college, he told me he would never come back to me if I did.....So I just had my crushes. As for now, I do find myself attracted to men, as I am sure everyone finds theirself attracted to other people at some point (we are only human) However, I have never had a man of interest in my life. It's hard....he is truly a WONDERFUL man...kind..caring....but I suppose reading over my post and thinking about it he really is kind of controlling...more so in the sense that he holds it over me than actually saying I can't do something. Even going to visit my brother and his wife without H causes for problem.....I'd like him to go places with me...but he never wants to. I am going to Vegas for my friends 25th. He was angry that I did not invite him right away...he said he wanted to go and I was happy...until he said "People go to Vegas to cheat....I don't want you to go alone." Sometimes I think I am being so selfish with how I feel......that I am the bad guy (which I may very well be)......that I should stay in this marriage because nothing bad is happening to me. We are financially stable (on both parts) he doesn't abuse me physically or emotionally, he tells me he loves me.........yet I still feel nothing for him except friendship.......and even with that friendship I feel resentment...... Don't you sometimes just wish there was somebody who had all the answers and could just tell you what the right thing to do is? Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 I have been married for 2 years, in the relationship for 8. We started dating when I was 16 and he was 18. We have never been with anybody else. This is kind of your problem... never been with anyone else, together with him since you were 16.. you never got to be single. Never got to be an individual person. You will probably always feel like you are missing something because of this. He might be a great guy, but you have no experiences to compare him with. I made the mistake of marrying a girl who had no experience, although it took her 15 years and 2 kids before she wanted to "find herself". I was her first love. Of course we divorced, then after about a year she decided that she had a pretty good deal living with me and tried to come back several times. I had already moved on. But maybe this was a process she needed to go through? I hope she can find someone else that makes her happy. How will you feel when your husband has a cute new girlfriend? How will you feel when he is no longer your friend? The decision is yours, if I were in your shoes I'd probably cut and run.. You don't have any children, you're hardly sexual with him, you're not happy.. Life should be so much more... Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 I soooooo hate when chicks like quake blame others for how females are feeling. posessive and jealous? why wouldnt he be!!! The woman who commited to him for life wants to leave him, how else would he react??? God you women have no idea of what a man feels when his woman who he loves dumps him!!!! To the OP if you feel like the grass is greener and want to run the streets then you do so, dont blame him for how your feeling!!! Happiness has to come from within. Dont push him away, bring him closer to you!!! He's hurting alot and marriage is work, Your hurting him because he knows you want to leave and he's grasping at straws trying to make it right, at least he;s not dumping you on the curb and getting his jumpoff pregnant. are you gonna feel the same when you see him with his new girlfriend? Link to post Share on other sites
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