father using coke?

[nickilovespookie]

I've always known that my Dad has smoked pot. I used to find his pipes "hidden" but really they'd just be under the couch a little bit or something. Not good hiding spots. I've known he's smoked pot for quite a long time now, since I was like 15ish. My sister is 14 now and she knows all too. Just a couple years ago when we had a family function my Dad and his siblings went behind the garage to get high thinking no one knew but even then my sister knew.

 

Well about a month ago, my Dad was looking for work and it wasn’t coming to him easily. (He’s a high school drop out in his 40’s). He had gotten fired from his previous job because of something his brother was doing while working at the same place so I think it was a family thing. (His 2 brothers worked there with him as well as his Mom in the office). Anyway through all of this I think he got really depressed and I had found a pile of coke downstairs in the bathroom while brushing my teeth. He came down and told me that it was a bud of weed and to be careful to not get it wet. (It was stashed under a card with a facial razor holder thing over that).

 

I let that incident go, I wasn’t happy but I knew it wasn’t a good time for him.

 

He hangs out at the bar several times during the week after work now, they’re not the best bars either but he has “friends”. He’s since then acquired a good job as a painter.

 

Anyway, about 2 weeks ago my sister walked in on my stepmom and him doing something with smoke after she came home earlier than curfew. She then texted me and told me and I wasn’t sure what they were doing – I assumed it was pot but all of the signs were pointing elsewhere. Such as, finding the coke, him always sucking back his snot like he has something in the back of his nose/throat, him not eating dinner a lot of times, coke-heads hanging out at the same bar as he, etc. etc. She said the ‘pipe’ looked just like a cig (it was white) but it wasn’t paper. When she walked in he quickly hid it. My stepmom claims it was pot.

 

After that incident (she didn’t say anything at the time) I found a rolled up single dollar bill in his wallet (with coke residue on it and a cut straw in the downstairs bathroom above the door (hidden).

 

The final straw (no pun) was this past Saturday when my sister texted me that Dad was in the bathroom downstairs and she could hear him doing something and it wasn’t just “normal breathing”. She said he came back upstairs and was sniffling a lot.

 

Yesterday I approached my stepmom and told her my concerns. She said she had no idea about the coke but the pot had always been out in the open. He’d used pot when I was a baby (or before) and she won’t tolerate it.

 

My Dad “never wants to talk to me again” and feels I have stabbed him in the back. He says “he must be a bad dad that his kids can’t talk to him about it”. He’s not mad at my sister or my stepmom, just me.

 

I wrote him a letter last night after he wouldn’t even look at me and it basically said how I feel; I was worried, my sister came to me, I thought stepmom knew, I want him to stop his bad lifestyle etc.

 

I feel like I will not have a dad who does coke because 1. I’m worried about my sister being there and 2. I won’t want my kids (when I have them) being around him. He has not been himself for a month now and looks sh*ttier and sh*ttier everyday, dark circles for instance and his mood is just not the same – he just hasn’t been Dad.

 

He told my stepmom that it was just once from being depressed. She doesn’t believe him but I really think she’s just going to let it go.

 

I think he’s angry at me because I’m calling him out on it (when normally I wouldn’t ever said anything) and I don’t believe that he did it just once. In the letter I told him that he doesn’t have to tell me that he’s stopped because I’ll know myself. I feel good for standing up for myself and what I believe but I’m also very hurt that he can say he never wants to talk to me again. He gave me back my fathers day gift to him as well (gift certificate – he just laid in on my bed).

 

From an outsider’s pov, did I stab him in the back by not going to him?

 

Does this whole thing sound like the attitude of a coke user?

[Jilly Bean]

Horrible!

 

Did you stab him in the back? Hell no! All you did was call him out on being a drug addict.

 

Here' the one biggest sign that someone is a user. LIES.

 

Of course his behavior is consistent with being on coke.

 

Is there anyway your sister can come live with you or another family member? I fear for her too in that house.

[nickilovespookie]

I agree, I fear for my 14 year old sister more than anything. She's trying to be in sports, staying away from drugs not a drinker all because she wants to do better for herself.

 

My Dad just has a very good way of being able to turn things around - by him saying I must not be a good father that my kids can't come talk to me is a load of bullsh*t. He's trying to make us feel bad.

 

The only person he's angry at is me. I wrote him a letter last night since he wouldn't talk to me and he read it last night (I intended on him finding it this morning) and all he did was throw it back in my room and slam the door. But I think he read it but he wasn't happy about it. It basically just told him what I think about things and how I feel. I've never stood up for myself with him and now that I have, it feels good but at the same time, I do love my Dad and want him around, physically and emotionally. But if he chooses drugs, I will walk away. I'm not his parent but if he wants to act like he's 20, he can be treated like it.

 

Another anger thing is when he left this morning, he slammed the door which woke me up because he leaves right about the same time as I get up to get ready. (I'm temporarily living there).

 

I'm thinking I'll just treat him like he does to me, I have nothing to say to him so if he wants to slam door and act like a kid than as far as I'm concerned that's fine.

 

He told me never to talk to him again and then before I got home from work last night he told my sister and step mom that he never wants to talk to me again as well. I'm sure he doesn't mean it but that's besides the point.

[Jilly Bean]

Well, really the person he is mad at is himself. I mean, its a lot easier to initiate an offensive when faced with one, isn't it? You held up a mirror to him, so of course he is going to turn it around on you to deflect responsibility. Hey, he's not wrong for using, YOU'RE wrong for pointing it out, right? Pfft. So absurd, but that is the grip of drugs. Deny, lie, sneak, deflect.

 

You can't buy into ANYTHING he is ranting about right now. His anger truly isn't meant for you, it really is his own disappointment with himself in knowing he has let you down. It WILL pass, so try not to internalize it, and know it is the drugs talking, and not his true feelings towards you.

 

Is it possible for you and sis to leave?

[nickilovespookie]

it's possible for me to stay there as little as possible but I doubt either of them would go for my sister staying with me. She probably wouldn't even want to. They're both acting normal and not talking about it anymore. Step mom told him that if she finds out he's using anymore, it's over. I would be acting normal too but he's so angry with me. So I have a 'whatever' attitude. It makes me mad that he's so pissed at me but nothing with my sister and step mom - it's because I brought it to the surface not them. Plus he wants my sister on "his side".

 

What am I supposed to do now, let things take there course and see if he keeps using (behind our backs?) not talk to him? wait until he starts talking to me again? Things are not normal and I feel like he put up some big wall between us now that he's been saying he never wants to talk to me again. As much as I can say it doesn't bother me, it does. Maybe it doesn't bother me as much because I've always felt second to his and my step mom's daughter.

 

I guess I just wanted to make sure that all the signs for sure lead to him using (so I don't believe him if he tries to lie).

[nickilovespookie]

i just wish he'd try to stop using the "I'm such a bad Dad that my kids couldn't talk to me" bull crap. It's his way of turning it around and it's irrelevant. All I wanted to do was bring it to their attention that my sister knew and was starting to ask questions and it really bothered her. And for him to stop, but I think only time will tell with that.

[nickilovespookie]

I am feeling really badly about all of this. My Dad is now blaming me for all of this saying that I shouldn't have been going through his stuff and I'm acting like his mother trying to control his life - he doesn't try to control mine, etc. My stepmom is now against me as well and she told me to move out and get a life.

 

They're saying that I don't respect them and I shouldn't have gone through his stuff. I admit that I shouldn't have and I really should've tried to go to me Dad to talk to him but they don't take any responsibility.

 

My Dad is saying that I'm ruining our relationship, etc. He can't understand why I say he turns things around. I told him to maybe look at this from a point of view other than his and he said what other points of view are there?!!

 

This is rough. Anytime he calls it just turns into him yelling.

 

I've never stood my ground this long with them and it feels good but I want it all to go away. I've told him that this isn't what I wanted to happen - I just wanted him to know that my sister and I knew he was doing coke and we want him to stop because we care. Just to own up to it but he turned it around saying he's such a bad dad that his kids couldn't talk to HIM.

[Jilly Bean]

Well, I don't think you went through his stuff...

 

His attitude is beyond reproach, frankly. He raised his family in an environment where he openly did drugs in front of them, and now that he is doing HARDER drugs and being called out on it, he's acting like a petulant child who had his friend tell that he was doing something bad.

 

Bottom line, Dad is a drug addict.

 

And Dad is now projecting his self-loathing at being such a horrible parent onto you. Everything he (and step-Mom) are doing is a result of their not wanting their "goodie two-shoes" daughter making them feel like horrible parents (which they are).

 

I still vote you move out, and take your sister with you. You're not going to stop him from doing drugs, nor are you going to get him to be rational on this topic.

 

Just save yourself, hon.

[nickilovespookie]

I know he feels badly about this coming in between us but instead of saying "I don't want this to ruin our relationship" he says "are you going to let this...." and everytime he wants to talk we always end up agruing because he can't see another side to this. There's only his side. I wouldn't be "acting like his mother" if he would act like my father.

 

I wish he could just stop being so irrational so we could actually just have some what of a relationship after all of this. I want him to just say I'm sorry, let's not let this get in the middle - I won't do coke anymore. But he just can't seem to do that.

 

Worst part is, we were supposed to attend a family cook out this weekend (my step side of the family - which I enjoy going to) but I'm not going now. 1. because Dad told me not to 2. because I don't want to see them and 3. gives me a chance to move my stuff with them out of the house.

 

You're right about the "goody two shoes thing" in fact my step mom told me yesterday to stop acting like stuck up snotty little bitch.

[nickilovespookie]

I do admit I snooped in his wallet. After I found the coke on th counter then sister came to me twice with incidents of him doing it while I wasn't around. It was hanging in his robe in the bathroom so i was tempted. I admitted to it and appologized but he just keeps bringing it back up. He was yelling on the phone this morning YOU WENT THROUGH MY WALLET! YOU WENT THROUGH MY WALLET! And was practically crying saying you don't know what you're doing to me!!

 

[Jilly Bean]

Nicki - all he is doing is turning this around to make you feel badly, when it is HE who is the wrong, and he knows it.

 

He is manipulating the situation because he knows you love him. Whatta prick!

 

It's not different than a man who beats his wife, she complains to the police, then he yells at her all over again for not loving him enough.

 

Do you see how wrong this all is?

 

I am SO sorry Dad is such a turd.

[nickilovespookie]

thank you for your insight. What am I supposed to do from here? I just would like to not talk to him until he is ready to talk rationally and act like my father instead of a jerk. Until then, I don't need his grief. It's dragging me down.

[Jilly Bean]

I think you should move out PRONTO.

 

As long as your Dad continues to do coke and NOT admit to himself he has a drug problem, then he will continue to hold you accountable for his short-comings and failures as a parent.