MissJ Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 So to sum up my little story. I was with my boyfriend for 12 years and he wanted to "take a break" to become better friends. Needless to say..that didnt really work out. So we broke up.. and I stuck to No Contact for lets see.. its been 2 years now. Im happy livin with my new boyfriend which we have been together for almost a year and a 1/2 now. Dont get me wrong I still think about my X and have thought about what it would be like to talk to him and see how he has been, but just stuck to my guns and left it alone. This weekend. He called. I spoke to him for an hour, and then we eneded up meeting and talking for 3 more hours. Now im stuck. After 2 years of no contact, how could it seem like there was no time missing in between. He said all the right things, answered all of my lingering questions, told me how much he missed me. How he wished we didnt end things like we did. How sometimes he just wished we were together again. How he was sorry he treated me the way he did. Then he kissed me. And the next thing I knew... we were crossing the line. But the craziest part.. it felt normal. Like in the back of my mind "how it should be". I left he walked me to my car, kissed me goodbye and we both agreed that we wouldnt be strangers like previously. What now? What can i expect from this. His gfriend and him were taking a break, but are still seeing each other. and well i LIVE with my boyfriend and thought i couldnt be happier and now i feel like im so confused. Did he just do all this to see if i still had feelings for him? Or was he genuenly missing me and wanting me? Is this just what it was... like an old comfortable shoe, and in the heat of the moment we just had no boundaries. Or do you think something may come of this? Obviously we both still have feelings for each other.. and the saying.. if you let it go and it comes back to you it was meant to be? Does anyone have any "LOGICAL" advice about this? Is it best to go back to my happy life and continue on... pretending that nothing happend. And the most horrible part. Because it was my X.. and him and i were together for so many years... i dont feel like I did anything wrong. But in my heart of hearts... I know... I cheated! Or do i realize.. it ended for a reason, and dont look back. Even though I still love him? Please any advise will help! Link to post Share on other sites
justaman99 Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 What an *******. He's taking a break with his current girlfriend just as he did you 2 years ago. You are now back on the radar after 2 years and he says all this BS? So what do you want now? Lose the guy you're with for something that feels normal only to find that he'll need to take another break again someday? Sorry this guy is a prick and is really screwing with your nugget. It should take a lot more from him to prove anything substantial. It's the typical scenario. He left you for someone else most likely 2 years ago and now it's not working out so he comes back to you for comfort and possibility. -Just Link to post Share on other sites
wareagle Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Well first and formost you cheated on you current boyfriend!!! Why after two years would you let your ex come back into your life? Now your all ****ed up, you should have left the past in the past!! I have no sympathy for you!!! Sorry that just the way I see it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
confused and broken Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I have some advice for you Wake up This guy is using you.... Go back to NC on a permanent basis. I can guarantee you all this will cause in your life is pure misery As to why we humans are attracted to misery? Good question. Link to post Share on other sites
replicator Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Wow, that is one messed up situation. If he left you, and you are with another person. You need to go no contact immediately with your ex. It seems like you never really got over your emotions, or there was enough for you to let him get close again. I think if you give it some and think about it, you'll realize that what you had with him is gone but you're holding onto feelings from the past. This really isn't fair for your current bf. Would you give him up, for this guy who had proven to be unreliable? Link to post Share on other sites
claycald Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 hey hey hey... i dont listen to these *******s... sorry people... but honestly if u are with someone for 12 years then yeah your always going to love that person to some extent. just go with what u think is right. who do u love more? why do u still love ur ex? why does he still love u? why after two years does he come running back to you? just talk to him and see whats up Link to post Share on other sites
wareagle Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Haha!!!! Why did he coming running back to her!!!! Seriously dude!!!! Are you a man? He came back because he is on a break whatever the **** that means, and he was needing some pussy!! Plain and simple!!! You need to move on from this person and focus on the relationship you are in, and tell your SO what the **** happened!!! If he forgives you that is you can move forward and try to earn his trust back!!! Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 Personally, why would this guy see ANY value in you whatsoever if you just take him back without him earning anything at all? Remember how things ended. Remember his own words, that he treated you badly. The other issue I would bring up is that what is your current BF missing that you'd toss away two years for a guy that treated you badly? What part of your brain isn't screaming RED FLAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ??? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t94659/ Please send me some of whatever your ex has. I couldn't imagine having that kind of instant influence over a woman I had left for someone else and badly.... Link to post Share on other sites
trust Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t94659/ Please send me some of whatever your ex has. I couldn't imagine having that kind of instant influence over a woman I had left for someone else and badly.... Common phenomenon. It’s called “chics are attracted to jerks.” I’m living proof of that. I’m a good jerk though (of course, right?). I think for many chics, it’s the mystery and challenge that is given off by the guy who “does them wrong” that they are attracted to. They mistake it for confidence, but in this girl's case, it sounds like she is satisfying a chic's natural tendency to be "curious" and "check things out". Just another bad decision based on how she "feels" instead of "reason" (doing the right thing). Some girls are 80/20 (make decisions based on how they feel 80% of the time, and make decisions based on reason 20% of the time..sounds like she is one of those girls. I try to find one that is around 50/50...and hope and pray that she'll get smarter instead of dumber in time.) Usually it’s a fatal attraction…unless the guy’s a “good jerk” who understands their behavior and uses it to his advantage by knowing what to do, what not to do, and when to back off. Carhill, I think I saw you reference the tip of this iceberg in one of your journal entries. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 OK, make that a double dose Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissJ Posted July 3, 2008 Author Share Posted July 3, 2008 I really appreciate everyones comments on here.. especially the ones that basically say WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. Personally.. the 12 years mixed with the sudden seperation and 2 straight years of NC was a hard road. And now that I was able to have contact.. after 2 years, and have all my unanswered questions answerd was somewhat releiving. In spite of all the bad in the relationship there was good. and It saddens me to think of how far ive come in 2 years.. to quickly forget how bad I was hurt 2 years ago. As stupid as it may sound, something in me wants to remain "friends" for a lack of a better word, with my x for some reason I trully cant find the words to explain. A phone call deffinetly doesnt make anything better or erase anything that has happened. I know he still has a girlfriend, but I also have a man in my life now. So do I think he was reaching out to me because they were on the outs? Not really. From what he and some mutual friends have said, they are ALWAYS on the outs. Id like to think he genuenly was calling to vent as much as Ive wanted to do the same. Is there something that says ... that 12 years in a relationship with someone is something that should be forgotten and never talk again? Because beleive me.. ive been trying to forget and it just doesnt go away. When i say I dont understand why im ok with talking to him... i really mean it. I think we miss each other just the same, and he even said, I can tell your happy now and I dont want to ruin that for you. But in my heart of hearts... I know... if you want to go forward you cant look back. But do you have to have NC forever.. or learn to be strong enough to hold your ground and respect yourself???? I guess i just want to say thank you to all that responded. Your advise Very Much So NEEDED! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 Sexual familiarity/chemistry does not equal compatibility. Repeat after me Do you understand that you were a booty call/ego feed? I mean, really, who breaks up after 12 years to "become better friends"? What a crock of poop. For all I know, your current BF could be me, since I've been this clueless about the women trampling guys like your current BF and myself to get at these losers for the better part of a half-century. I'm proud to announce that I'm not (clueless) anymore. I hope your current BF gets his wake-up call soon. You clearly cannot be "friends" with your ex. I hope you used a condom and still you should get tested for STD's. Another good reason to tell your current BF the truth, so he can get tested too, if you've had sex since then. Can of worms, eh? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissJ Posted July 3, 2008 Author Share Posted July 3, 2008 well no actually we didnt sleep together.and thats just it. Im not a bad girlfriend, and I do care about my current boyfriend very much. So as far as i hope he catches on... he knows we were together that long.. and whos to say you ever stop caring about people in your lives. With that in mind... should we break up.. No i dont think so. I guess sometimes history can play a big part in peoples lives. And 12 years is a long time. Call it my justification, but it is what it is..spending that much time with someone isnt something that can be easily ignored nor forgotten. I still appreciate your comments carhill. you help me to perseve things in different light! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 My apologies. I misunderstood the following quote: Then he kissed me. And the next thing I knew... we were crossing the line. But the craziest part.. it felt normal. Like in the back of my mind "how it should be". I left he walked me to my car, kissed me goodbye and we both agreed that we wouldnt be strangers like previously. So, please append my comment to "prospective ego feed/booty call" Yes, I'm quite sure there are latent feelings from the past, and it appears some unfinished business as well. Where do you want this to go? Link to post Share on other sites
trust Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 MissJ, let me take some of the mystery out of this. What does he know about you? He knows this: You get bored easily. He has a history with you and knows your overall feeling of him is a “good one" for the most part. He also knows you are curious. Since he’s stayed gone (NC) for quite some time, he has your curiosity and past feelings in his court. He also knows that this guy you’re with has probably been messing up (just like the rest of us) and is probably at the point where there’s some unchecked resentment built up. He also knows that his goal is to not pose a threat, by artificially lowering your perception of his interest level in you, at the same time becoming a challenge as a result. He did this in one strategic swoop: “I can tell you’re happy now and I don’t want to ruin that for you.” That’s the most brilliant thing he’s done so far. The beautiful thing about that noble declaration is that when he screws up with you, he can get some kind of credit for his lame “wishes of good will” that you swallowed from the get go. Adding to the “challenge”, he placed fear in your mind when he said that he’s with some girl but they’re on a break. So you’re thinking maybe he’s available? Oh no, I better act quick, I may lose him to this girl if I really want him. That’s the same trick they pull on TV when a commercial is advertising a product, and they have this countdown going implying that you won’t be able to get that item if you don’t act fast, 20, 19, 18, 17…hurry up! Only 16 more seconds. Fear is a motivator and he used that one on you as well. This is how he drew you in – and it worked. He also knows that his current relationship is flailing, so what does he have to lose in messing with you? Not much so it’s worth a shot. But what’s on his mind is you satisfying his needs right now. Right now he needs sex and companionship. He’s kinda lazy. You're an easy target so he may as well work on you. But at the end of the day, what’s on his mind is this: man I can’t wait to get in bed with her…but whether I do or don’t, it doesn’t really matter. I’ll have sex with some other girl anyway….but if my ex does have sex with me (or kisses me) and she has a boyfriend at the same time, what’s that tell me about her? She’s a cheater! I sure wouldn’t want to be in a committed relationship with her, but I’ll definitely keep her on the hook for sex. She doesn’t have to know this though…because I haven’t made her any promises…besides…she has a boyfriend so my personal responsibility is limited right now. MissJ – I very well may be your ex boyfriend. I just haven’t told you how I really feel because I don’t owe you that much right now. But hey, take your time in figuring it out. I'll see you in a little while sweetie. Love ya! Link to post Share on other sites
selena_cat Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 What an *******. He's taking a break with his current girlfriend just as he did you 2 years ago. You are now back on the radar after 2 years and he says all this BS? So what do you want now? Lose the guy you're with for something that feels normal only to find that he'll need to take another break again someday? Sorry this guy is a prick and is really screwing with your nugget. It should take a lot more from him to prove anything substantial. It's the typical scenario. He left you for someone else most likely 2 years ago and now it's not working out so he comes back to you for comfort and possibility. -Just I really really like that response,screwing wih your nugget,you got to have a sense of humour. close the door to that man honey,dont leave a stable relationship for trash that floast back in your doorstep b/c the wind blew him back. Link to post Share on other sites
selena_cat Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Haha!!!! Why did he coming running back to her!!!! Seriously dude!!!! Are you a man? He came back because he is on a break whatever the **** that means, and he was needing some pussy!! Plain and simple!!! You need to move on from this person and focus on the relationship you are in, and tell your SO what the **** happened!!! If he forgives you that is you can move forward and try to earn his trust back!!! Wait, am i missing something, i thought i read she didnt go all the way with the trash! Link to post Share on other sites
l0stMike Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 MissJ, let me take some of the mystery out of this. What does he know about you? He knows this: You get bored easily. He has a history with you and knows your overall feeling of him is a “good one" for the most part. He also knows you are curious. Since he’s stayed gone (NC) for quite some time, he has your curiosity and past feelings in his court. He also knows that this guy you’re with has probably been messing up (just like the rest of us) and is probably at the point where there’s some unchecked resentment built up. He also knows that his goal is to not pose a threat, by artificially lowering your perception of his interest level in you, at the same time becoming a challenge as a result. He did this in one strategic swoop: “I can tell you’re happy now and I don’t want to ruin that for you.” That’s the most brilliant thing he’s done so far. The beautiful thing about that noble declaration is that when he screws up with you, he can get some kind of credit for his lame “wishes of good will” that you swallowed from the get go. Adding to the “challenge”, he placed fear in your mind when he said that he’s with some girl but they’re on a break. So you’re thinking maybe he’s available? Oh no, I better act quick, I may lose him to this girl if I really want him. That’s the same trick they pull on TV when a commercial is advertising a product, and they have this countdown going implying that you won’t be able to get that item if you don’t act fast, 20, 19, 18, 17…hurry up! Only 16 more seconds. Fear is a motivator and he used that one on you as well. This is how he drew you in – and it worked. He also knows that his current relationship is flailing, so what does he have to lose in messing with you? Not much so it’s worth a shot. But what’s on his mind is you satisfying his needs right now. Right now he needs sex and companionship. He’s kinda lazy. You're an easy target so he may as well work on you. But at the end of the day, what’s on his mind is this: man I can’t wait to get in bed with her…but whether I do or don’t, it doesn’t really matter. I’ll have sex with some other girl anyway….but if my ex does have sex with me (or kisses me) and she has a boyfriend at the same time, what’s that tell me about her? She’s a cheater! I sure wouldn’t want to be in a committed relationship with her, but I’ll definitely keep her on the hook for sex. She doesn’t have to know this though…because I haven’t made her any promises…besides…she has a boyfriend so my personal responsibility is limited right now. MissJ – I very well may be your ex boyfriend. I just haven’t told you how I really feel because I don’t owe you that much right now. But hey, take your time in figuring it out. I'll see you in a little while sweetie. Love ya! wow man, it sounds to me like youre a little bit of a prick, or a class-A jerk as you described. and youre right, women confuse jerkiness for confidence. thats the honest truth, and all these egotistical ramblings about how to play the game and how you perceive her ex as playing the game, im not even sure what to say here. i think youre right in some respects, but god damn dude, it sounds to me like most of your advice is coming from personal experience and how you treat women in the same way you analyze how her ex is playing her. im not really sure thats a positive way to react to her story. its just illuminating the fact that jerky d-bags end up getting what they want regardless of how its making the other person feel. point and case, the girl who wrote this post. i wonder if there are any women on here writing about you? Link to post Share on other sites
l0stMike Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 all these posts to this story just make me think. what ever happened to genuine honesty in the male gender? it obviously doesnt work if youre trying to get laid, as it is blatantly obvious by the way this girl's ex acted towards her, but f*ck, why does everyone have to be such a f*cking rascal about everything just for the sake of getting laid or f*cking with an ex girlfriends head? i guess all morals were lost in the 1950s when everyone began to resort to this stupid game of well-played deceit getting you what you want without any compassion for another person's feelings. maybe im in the minority here, but come on. is every girl this innately stupid to believe a couple of sweet, sugarcoated lines coming from an obvious jerkoff? Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 all these posts to this story just make me think. what ever happened to genuine honesty in the male gender? it obviously doesn't work if you're trying to get laid, as it is blatantly obvious by the way this girl's ex acted towards her, but f*ck, why does everyone have to be such a f*cking rascal about everything just for the sake of getting laid or f*King with an ex girlfriends head? i guess all morals were lost in the 1950s when everyone began to resort to this stupid game of well-played deceit getting you what you want without any compassion for another person's feelings. maybe I'm in the minority here, but come on. is every girl this innately stupid to believe a couple of sweet, sugarcoated lines coming from an obvious jerkoff? It all goes back to feelings. Women operate off of feelings and men who know this, and are underhanded, use it to get what they need. The past just melts away because all these feelings just bubble to the surface in a pop of Ecstasy. "He still loves me and I have all these feelings so it can't be wrong". Thinking with your emotions gets you into trouble many times because the heart can deceive. I had an ex who left me because she said her heart belonged to another. I knew he was not right for her and she probably does too but she throws caution to the wind and goes with her feelings. Sometimes feelings an be relied upon to help you make decisions and other times they just cloud and muddy up the waters. It is up to us to figure out when to use feelings and when to go with reason. Link to post Share on other sites
wendyieann Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 MissJ...I can understand your confusion. Same as mine. However, if he still has a g/f, that isn't fair to her. Can you imagine being her? Or for that matter can you imagine your current partner doing that with his "x".? I'm sure if you put the shoe on the other foot, you'd realize how much it would hurt. Why do I understand? Is simply because my STBXH left me, and I recently found out 3 yrs later he is single. (mistress left) I remember the familarity. My STBXH knows me, we know each other. We have children together who are still very young. I can relate to thinking we could just turn back the clock and have it "feel the same" like nothing happened. But things happened for both of us. We split up. 12 years is a long time, and for me it was only 5 years. If your X was single and didn't have a g/f, then perhaps if he worked hard at it, perhaps you could try again. But you also have a b/f. Your not single. You will risk getting hurt again... Is he worth the risk to you? If so, then you best be honest with your b/f and leave him. (Can you imagine if you did that, and your X doesn't leave his g/f?) Then you would have nothing. People do change...I believe that. As I have changed lots too. Are you willing to get hurt for him? Does he love you or is he just using you for an ego boast? You have lots to think about my dear...and my heart goes out to you. Your future is what YOU make of it...no matter what you choose to do. You don't want to live with any regrets....especially when it comes to your X. I know I don't... (((hug))) Link to post Share on other sites
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