hendersongirl Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 Ben is my boyfriend of 2 years... Sarah is his ex-girlfriend She lives in another country, and he hasn't been anywhere on his own recently, so the 'interaction' is definitely referring to something on MSN. Ben to Sarah show details 2:10 AM (7 hours ago) Reply I am really sorry. We are idiots the way we interact. I am just at a loss what to do. I hope we can move forward and that you will be happy. I doubt I will be. I need to really change something about my life. I am getting older and foolish now. Please forgive me. You were always the good one. Ben. Link to post Share on other sites
annieo Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 Ben is my boyfriend of 2 years... Sarah is his ex-girlfriend She lives in another country, and he hasn't been anywhere on his own recently, so the 'interaction' is definitely referring to something on MSN. Ben to Sarah show details 2:10 AM (7 hours ago) Reply I am really sorry. We are idiots the way we interact. I am just at a loss what to do. I hope we can move forward and that you will be happy. I doubt I will be. I need to really change something about my life. I am getting older and foolish now. Please forgive me. You were always the good one. Ben. It means Ben's getting all nostalgic and decided to go "fishing". Link to post Share on other sites
Author hendersongirl Posted July 1, 2008 Author Share Posted July 1, 2008 What's fishing? Link to post Share on other sites
backto1 Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 Sorry to hear you had to find something like that. That must hurt like hell. I wish you the best of luck. It might have been a moment of nostalgia/depression/ego-feeding but prepare yourself for the possibility of dumping him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hendersongirl Posted July 1, 2008 Author Share Posted July 1, 2008 Thanks for the replies. I've calmed down from the initial shock now, and it seems like no big deal. He is being just as sweet and affectionate and loving as usual. Maybe I'm under his spell, I don't know. I'm holding off mentioning it to him until she replies - it might throw some insight on the situation. I am prepared to dump him, but how will I know if i should/when to bite the bullet? There's no going back after I make that decision... And it's a big one - we have talked about the future - marriage and kids and where we'll live and what we'll do etc etc. We are very much in love, and I don't think there's anything lacking in our relationship. I am just worried about the not over her thing... They had broken up for at least 8 months when we met - he had moved from Australia. I don't know if they broke up purely because he was moving away, or had already broken up before that for other reasons. He still has heaps of photos of her - including one where they are both naked, posing like Greek statues, and a couple of them kissing. All on CDs, and he hasn't looked at them, at least in the last few months. Link to post Share on other sites
RollTide Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 You aren't satisfying him emotionally/sexually, he's just not into you the way he should be, he never quit loving her/got over her, and........ you are a snooper, therefore you have no trust, and your relationship is doomed anyway. Get over it. And one other thing? Have you tried communicating with this chap, rather than asking a bunch of strangers who do not even know you or both sides of the story for advice? Most of the folk here will only hit on you anyway... Remember lassie: without trust, there is nothing. Aren't you the guy who defended that CHD moron for doing the same thing this chick did? He hijacked his wife's emails, and found out a few things he didn't like, and acted like HE was the one wronged. This poor girl did the same thing and you tear her a new one. I don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hendersongirl Posted July 2, 2008 Author Share Posted July 2, 2008 I am seriously considering messaging her through facebook (perfectly within my rights to do that?) and asking her girl to girl what is happening between them... Is this a bad idea?? Is she likely to lie? Is this just simply not a kosher thing to do? Link to post Share on other sites
KinAZ Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 DON'T DO IT! Talk to him, and go with your gut feelings on the matter. I started typing a reply before, but changed my mind. If the two of you are in a serious relationship with one another there really needs to be a degree of trust. I hate snooping, but I can sympathize with what draws people to do it. (If you came across the message by accident, however, nevermind the last statement.) You're not in a relationship with her. She has nothing to do with it. Don't put her in the middle of it. He is your man, he is the one committed to you, he is the one you have the relationship with. Take it all directly to him. I don't like the sound of that message, but I don't want to sit here and tell you that it is more than it might actually be. But personally, I would have a serious problem with the idea of my man possibly having feelings for his ex. And at the very least, I would let him know that we need a break. Go to him, tell him what you found, and ask him about it. Tell him how you feel, etc. Over looking it, or not going to the man himself about it is more than likely going to make you more unsure or worried with time. I would not let this drag out, and I would not involve a 3rd party. I hope this all works out well for you! Best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
RollTide Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 You dumbass... I never defended that CHD guy. I was chiding that chuckgirl for having that EA. Relationships without trust are doomed, just as yours with that goat will be if it finds out you are stalking me on these here internets, as you seem to be. BTW, tell your mamma I expect supper to be done by the time I crawl off your Aunt Lucy tonight... Your is dumb. My Aunt Lucy? She was a great old gal. Now she's in the sky. With diamonds. Proof that you sometimes CAN take it with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hendersongirl Posted July 2, 2008 Author Share Posted July 2, 2008 I am reluctant to talk to him about it - I thought it was in case it was nothing and he breaks up with me for snooping... But if I'm being honest with myself I think it's because he'll change his email password (which he doesn't know I have) and I will no longer be able to check up on him. Is this, like, the worst sign in the world?? I only do it from time to time - he has been unfaithful (no sex, just meeting up behind my back) in the past and so far this year there have been no problems, in fact the checks had become so few and far between, I hadn't checked in about a month. Our relationship was getting better and better. Was weaning myself off the snooping addiction... Until this. Sent last night. Link to post Share on other sites
KinAZ Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 My personal opinion is that if it is so bad that you have to snoop (especially if you guys aren't married) then you need to put things on ice. We're supposed to add things to one another's lives, give support and be able to get it in return. I don't know your situation, but just from what you're telling me, there seems to be some sort of imbalance there. If you NEED to be able to see his messages, or want to see them to make yourself more comfortable, there is an issue in the relationship that needs to be resolved, plain and simple. Whether you take time for yourself to think things through, or you two go to counseling, it's just not healthy IHMO. Security shouldn't come from viewing emails. Do you think if you ask the ex he won't find out about it? Before I officially divorced my exhusband, his gf sent me a message on-line asking me about the divorce... and found out that he was the one holding up the process. She asked me not to tell him, and I said I wouldn't... but then changed my mind. (My loyalty goes to him over her, and she didn't handle the matter properly.) Even if you do go to her, he still may find out about it. When I've had jealous girlfriends of friends and such message me etc I've always told the guy. (No, nothing was going on, but the women just wanted to know what their men were up to.) You did what you did, and you really should own up to it. If we were in the 80s and you couldn't check messages etc, how would you handle the matter? Especially now that you know you may have reason to question, I think you need to be upfront about it. Pray that your relationship is such that he understands that, based on the history of the relationship, you felt cause to spy. But I wouldn't contact her, and I wouldn't just ignore it either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hendersongirl Posted July 2, 2008 Author Share Posted July 2, 2008 Thanks for your help This is tearing at my heart... I feel angry, sick to the stomach, paralyzed, cold shivers. I had stuff to do today and since I read that this morning I have been paralyzed to my chair - I keep reading it over and over which renews the anger. I felt suicidal before... We went and got lunch together (we live together, but have been working in separate rooms today) - its the first time I've EVER felt repulsed by his touch, even during the worst times last year. Maybe this was just the last straw. And it could have been reasonably innocent too. Couldn't it? This sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hendersongirl Posted July 2, 2008 Author Share Posted July 2, 2008 Ok - i know this is evasive but here's what just happened. I told him I was feeling uneasy, with a sense of foreboding. (True - why i checked in the first place) The last two times I have had this feeling, my sister was attempting suicide, and Ben was out drinking with another girl behind my back - that's how I caught him. So I told him I have this feeling, and asked if he was talking to Sarah, he said no, and I said I hope noone is dying. He then started to get worried that Sarah was dying - and sent her this email: I had an awful dream where you were hurt. Can you please let me know you are all right? I am feeling sick with worry... Not sure if anything can be read into this... But it's an update Link to post Share on other sites
Author hendersongirl Posted July 2, 2008 Author Share Posted July 2, 2008 And further update He said he is concerned she has killed herself or something, and I asked if she'd said something. He said he was talking to her last night, and he sent a photo of us (me and him) at my birthday, and she seemed upset and then vanished. I asked him if she is still in love with him and he said he didn't know, but that she knew about me but he had never sent a picture before. So I guess that makes sense of the email? Does it add up? Link to post Share on other sites
KinAZ Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 It might if it weren't for the part about him saying "I doubt I will be" in the original message. Not to say he's not telling the truth with regard to that situation, but that still stands out. Also, he said he hadn't talked to her at first, and then later said he talked to her last night? Did he tell you that he just emailed her again tonight? I mean it could be that he's not being open about it because he thinks you might make too much of it or something. But from what you've just said he doesn't seem to be totally forthcoming about his contact with her, but I can't speculate as to why. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hendersongirl Posted July 2, 2008 Author Share Posted July 2, 2008 The "I doubt I will be" is explainable. He spent 5 years studying - got a BSc and and MSc in Statistics, then spent 5 years working a good, well-paid, respectable etc job. Then he realised that there was more to life, and came back to university to study Theology. He is passionate about it and feels it is more meaningful and overall is happier - but sometimes gets a bit stressed and questions himself and thinks it was a stupid idea. He is also a bit prone to exaggeration, which used to upset me but now I deal with it much better. Also, he said he wasn't talking to her at that moment, which was all I asked and was true. He didn't delay in telling me that he talked to her last night. Anyway, we talked a bit more about it, and he told me everything (I'm pretty good at knowing when he is lying. I got an honest vibe). He said he feels bad for abandoning her, didn't want to go into the details (fair enough) but she wanted to move countries with him when he started university, but then didn't because of family (I think) and he doesn't think he handled it that well. Like, didn't seem to mind that much. Then her Dad died six months later, and he feels guilty for not being more supportive. She misses him. He doesn't miss her, but feels a bit guilty for not missing her and not keeping in better contact. I just checked his email again and he has sent: Hi Sarah, That was a really stupid photo to show you. I really care about you - but it has been so long since we saw each other and we are living different lives now. But I still really want to know you and want you to be happy. I think I am very bad at working out how to do this. I hope you are OK.... even if you don't want to know me - just let me know you are OK and I will be OK. I am a fool I know... but I do try to be a friend Ben. So he wasn't lying. Does this seem ok? I feel too attached to the whole thing I can't read it objectively it's like it keeps changing what it says... Link to post Share on other sites
KatPower Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Aren't you the guy who defended that CHD moron for doing the same thing this chick did? He hijacked his wife's emails, and found out a few things he didn't like, and acted like HE was the one wronged. This poor girl did the same thing and you tear her a new one. I don't get it. I'm new to this forum (to any forum for that matter) and I must say that your answer was refreshing, cause those were the right words. If someone is not over his or her ex, how can he or she be happy with someone else ? But the real words, the real emotions, is what you have to share with your partner. It's amazing how people's emotions work. First, they use the mask, then when love is granted, the truth starts to come out of them. They still love their ex ! WHY though ? it could be so simple in life. Just give yourself a little time to let your heartbeat feel steady and your breathing feel calm when you think about your ex. Then maybe, you could make someone happy. People, too often in their life, look for hapiness outside of themselves and rush in a new relationship that will hurt them as much as it will hurt the newcomer. And we all have a past. If people let their past hurt and control their present, it is that they live with regret. Living with regret represent a loss of hapiness and ulcers in your body. True love can only be found if you live happily already...but one thing to remember is: 60-40. 60% of the people you meet will love or like you. The other 40% will not. In that 60%, there might be someone who can love you, just make sure they don't love their regrets best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hendersongirl Posted July 2, 2008 Author Share Posted July 2, 2008 Thanks KatPower. I'm a bit confused as to what you are saying... Is it general advice or advice for me? Link to post Share on other sites
KatPower Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I'm new to this forum (to any forum for that matter) and I must say that emotions are what leads us during all our lives. Love is one of these, and one of the strongest too. But can we evolve that emotion ? If someone is not over his or her ex, how can he or she be happy with someone else ? The real words, the real emotions, is what you have to share with your partner. Simply the truth, the real person, is what has to be shown, and to be seen, without any doubt. If you have a doubt in your mind, your're probably right most of the time. The real thing to do, is to analyse how you're going to survive to your emotions... It's amazing how people's emotions work. First, they use the mask, then when love is granted, the truth starts to come out of them. They still love their ex ! WHY though ? it could be so simple in life. Just give yourself a little time to let your heartbeat feel steady and your breathing feel calm when you think about your ex. Then maybe, you could make someone happy. People, too often in their life, look for hapiness outside of themselves and rush in a new relationship that will hurt them as much as it will hurt the newcomer. And we all have a past. If people let their past hurt and control their present, it is obvious that they live with regret. Living with regret represent a loss of hapiness and ulcers in their body and deception to the person they're trying desperatly to love and be loved by. True love can only be found if you live happily already...but one thing to remember is: 60-40. 60% of the people you meet will love or like you. The other 40% will not. In that 60%, there might be someone who can love you, just make sure they don't love their regrets best. Humans didn't evolve since about 50,000 years. What do you think would happen if they started to be true to one another, right at the beginning of the relationship ? Could that be that you would meet more happy people ? Probably not, but maybe, you would meet more couples that are sincerely happy. Link to post Share on other sites
KatPower Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Well, Hendersongirl, I didn't know I posted this reply already... and yes, it is for you this reply (which I modified on the second post). It is for you and for humand being who live around you too. Why people sign their business letters with the word : Sincerely ? They're supposed to mean it, I just hope you meet someone that really mean it. My Aunt Lucy? She was a great old gal. Now she's in the sky. With diamonds. Proof that you sometimes CAN take it with you. Link to post Share on other sites
KinAZ Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 As long as he was up front about it, and it makes sense to you, then it wouldn't see that you have anything to worry about. I'm glad you were able to tell that he was telling the truth. Have you talked to him about couple's counseling? You can't keep looking at his emails like this hun. I mean, you COULD, but I don't think it's good for you two. If you could get him to go with you, to work out those past issues, I'm sure it would help you to feel so much better in general about the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hendersongirl Posted July 2, 2008 Author Share Posted July 2, 2008 Neither of us think that much of counselling - I'm going to subtley suggest he changes his passwords. I know that doesn't got to the heart of the issue, but a lot of the time I only check them out of boredom. I know it sounds like a pretty major trust thing, but it's really our only issue. He has made such an effort this year, after the shenanigans last year; he has told me he loves me regularly, done nice things, supported me when I've been depressed, we've been through an abortion together... It's just my silly trust thing, which would have been settled far quicker if I didn't keep checking his emails and misinterpreting them. Link to post Share on other sites
Shygirl15 Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Is this the same guy from your post of January? He sounds like bad news in that post, so I guess he must have improved somewhere in between? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hendersongirl Posted July 2, 2008 Author Share Posted July 2, 2008 Yes, like it said in that post, he really bucked up his ideas. This year has been wonderful. Link to post Share on other sites
whateverwillbe Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Aren't you the guy who defended that CHD moron for doing the same thing this chick did? He hijacked his wife's emails, and found out a few things he didn't like, and acted like HE was the one wronged. This poor girl did the same thing and you tear her a new one. I don't get it. . Well make sure you notify us if you ever meet in that parking lot, I want to get my bitch-slap in there, before you beat LongHair to a pulp. You could do it in argumental words alone, no fists needed. He tries to win his arguments with insults and attacking your family. Even if they are goats and sheep. Sorry, can't help the bama jokes....you can bitch slap me for that cheap shot. Link to post Share on other sites
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