marisa Posted July 29, 2003 Share Posted July 29, 2003 Hi, I have a dilemma. I have been in a long term relationship for almost 5 years. My boyfriend has moved to another city to work for a bit but he will return in about 1 year and half. I have decided to remain where I am since he will be back. That is not the problem. My problem is, it has been a month since he has left and we still have not seen eachother. We have emailed each other daily and he and I have called each other at work and at home almost every 2 days. Things don't seem too bad until I bring up the subject of him coming up to visit me. We have had this discussion prior to him leaving that he will visit me at least once a month and I will do the same. Now because I can't take too much time off from work to see him, he said he would have no problem coming here to see me on weekends. All this has changed since he has now told me that he has no place to stay if he were to see me. I am 27 years old and still live at home. My family (particularly my dad) is not too fond of him and when I asked my dad if he could stay over at our house when he does come to see me, my dad said no. He is also an extremely old fashioned father. He said he is not family yet and we are not engaged. I feel my boyfriend had never really made the effort in these 4 years to really get to know my family, but despite this I am still with him because I love him. My question is this: Is he being unreasonable? he doesn't have any close friends he could stay over at and he doesn't have family here in this city. He refuses to stay at a hotel even though I have offered to pay for it. He says that it's weird that he can't stay at my house. I have told him time and time again that he can't. Now I don't know what to do? I love him alot and I don't want to break up with him. .... but I feel like he is not putting in the effort in trying to see me. I have already planned 2 weeks off to see him, but I don't see him putting the effort in trying to see me. I know I will be staying at his place but it's not different. I still have to take time off work to see him and pay for my air fare. His excuse is that he has no place to stay and refuses to pay money to stay at a hotel.. even when I offered to pay for it. I don't know what to do!!! I can't think of anything else.. What should I do?? Should this be a wake up call for me that this guy doesn't care for me enough to want to see me. Does this guy not miss me?? Is it worth it to break up now or try to understand it? Is he upset that my dad is not accepting him? I know he and I have talked about marriage but then again talk is cheap.. maybe he is changing his mind about this relationship .. maybe he wants to break it off soon.. I don't know. Could someone please help! Thx Michelle Link to post Share on other sites
niko1999 Posted July 29, 2003 Share Posted July 29, 2003 Well, it is perfectly understandable taht if he has no where to stay then he doesnt want to come down. He may think it is seedy to stay in a hotel to see you, and your father doesnt want him there with you. Not to sound bitch*y, but why dont you get a place of your own, cuase then youll find your boyfreind will be more willing to come up Im sure. Dont break up with him, besides, youre going to see him for two weeks straight soon, soo.... And like I said, if you can, look around for a place to stay on yourown. Link to post Share on other sites
marisa Posted July 29, 2003 Share Posted July 29, 2003 I just wanted to know why my boyfriend might find it seedy to stay at a nice hotel..we are not talking about some motel when he comes here to see me? Do you really think that's the reason? Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted July 29, 2003 Share Posted July 29, 2003 i think that if i were you, i would be acting the same way. i think its lame that he doesnt care enough to just stay in a damn hotel to see you. after all hes coming to see you, not a hotel or a bedroom he thinks he can stay in in your house. i think it would be wise to move out, its due time, no matter if you have him or not. but......i dont understand why he thinks he is welcome in your house......and why he hasnt tried to get to know them after 5 years. something isnt right. shoot, i would dump him.. i dont put up with that crud anymore from guys. Link to post Share on other sites
turtle Posted July 30, 2003 Share Posted July 30, 2003 It's a subtle hint. I think your boyfriend wants you to move out of your father's house. It's about time, right? If he plans on moving back in a year and a half, he propably wants to move in with you. You've been dating for 5 years, there's no reason why not. Well, he can't move in with you if you are living at home still! Link to post Share on other sites
turtle Posted July 30, 2003 Share Posted July 30, 2003 BTW, I think your father is a little unreasonable. I think it's rude for him not to allow you to have your boyfriend stay with you. (Does he allow other friends to visit and stay in the house?) If he's religious or old-fashioned, he could put the boyfriend in a separate room.... Link to post Share on other sites
marisa Posted July 31, 2003 Share Posted July 31, 2003 So I guess from reading the emails the majority of you said that I shouldn't leave him but as hard as it is now, I couldn't bear not seeing him for a year.. I mean what kind of a relationship is that. He won't compromise at something. He's to stubborn to think otherwise and it's making me bitter. The way I see it is, if I were in his situation I would go see him and I would put my self in a hotel! I love this person and miss this person so I will do what I must in order to see them. Some of my friends think that he is just telling me all this crap because he is too cheap and too selfish of a person. So do you really think I should just hang in here or really let him know how I feel and if we still don't come to some resolution then it's best that we break up and go our own way? Marisa Link to post Share on other sites
niko1999 Posted July 31, 2003 Share Posted July 31, 2003 Well, I think of course you should tell him how you feel, no one knows what someone is thinking until they are told. Im sure he doesnt realize that you are seeing him as a selfish prick right now. But IMO, I do think you need to move out and get your own place. Your BF probably feels he shouldnt have to stay in a hotel when he comes visits you, It probably makes him feel put out. So do two things, 1)Pull out the classifieds and find an appartment and 2)Defintaley tell him how you feel Link to post Share on other sites
grounded Posted August 6, 2003 Share Posted August 6, 2003 I was in a similar situation...my ex gf's dad would not let me stay sometimes or would make it known he did not like it. it contributed to our breakup (5yrs). he may not want to stay in a hotel because he can't accept the fact that he can't stay at your house and vents in this manner. He may picture himself as feeling way too akward sitting alone in a hotel by himself in the same city as his girlfriend. It may just make him miss you too much being so close to you at the hotel yet unable to see you. He may not want you to spend the money. for reasons he thinks are stupid. But if he has not invited you to his place he may not want to see you. If you have told him you can't because you are too busy at work, he may feel like he can't ask. I would 1) apologize for your dad, make time to go see him. if he doesn't let you and you have really communicated about the issue, take caution as he may not know if he wants to see you or not. 2) if he allows you to come down, you know he wants to see you. get your own place, both for your relationship's sake as well as for emotional independence from your parents. Even if you don't need to live with them it will interfere in ways you will not realize. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts