sunshinegirl Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 ...that our exes will somehow be changed, vastly improved, wonderful, unlocked, unblocked, unselfish, kind, generous, not-controlling, non-substance-abusing, emotionally available, and otherwise perfect partners in their NEXT relationship. And we mostly fear that something about the new person will inspire them to change (dramatically)...thus somehow demonstrating that we weren't good enough or didn't do the right things. This is the thread to discuss, dissect, and reality-test those fears. I just had a small "a-ha" about my own fears in this regard: my ex was married to his ex-wife for 12 years; they were together for 2-3 years before that. So he had 15 years in what was a mostly crappy relationship where by the end they were barely speaking to each other. They split up in 06. A year later, I came along. I don't think I'm exaggerating, but I was probably a HUGE improvement over his relationship with his ex-wife. We had fun together; we enjoyed each other; I know I made him happy. Comparatively speaking, he hit the jackpot with me. If anyone could have inspired real change in his behavior, I would think it would have been me or something about our relationship: it was easy, it was healthy, it was a safe place for him to be. Indeed, he told me he opened up to me more than anyone else in his life. I was open, honest, caring, devoted, fun, great in bed, adventurous, attractive, and invited him to open up without forcing him to. STILL, his overarching patterns of non-communication and lack of emotional engagement never changed. So why am I afraid that someone else will have some unknown quality (what quality, pray tell?) that will unlock all these dysfunctions that were still all locked up with me? Even if he traded "up" by running off with the hooch, it's unclear to me what she could possibly have that I didn't. Besides, let's get real, friends. We couldn't 'change' them because NO ONE CAN CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON. People only change when they decide to put in the effort. Those of us with exes who either ran immediately into another relationship, or otherwise DIDN'T do any work on themselves and their issues post-relationship, are going to carry those same issues and problems forward in life. I have a very hard time seeing what or who would 'inspire' people like our exes to change. My counselor said, in fact, that in her experience people like my ex are only moved to change (if ever) when catastrophic loss hits them - the death of a parent or child, for example. Short of that, most people just stumble forward in their lives without addressing the qualities that are inhibiting them from forming healthy relationships. Two more stories to illustrate this truth: My truly NPD ex-boyfriend (my first) is still just as NPD as ever. Only he's finally realized he's gay. So my fears that he was going to marry the perfect woman (because somehow I wasn't perfect enough!) were...truly laughable.My 2005 boyfriend married someone else...whose personality is 180 degrees opposite mine: she's grouchy, negative, and mean to other women. Which to me says that my ex finally found someone who can deal with his set of problems. Link to post Share on other sites
confused and broken Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Excellent point... I have watched my exs sometime go to 100 times worse, and been insulted thinking you couldn't make it work with me, and you are even going to attempt to make it work with... All I can think is that most of us give a part of ourselves in a relationship, and it is hard not to be attached once its over because you don't get that part back........sorry if this makes no sense... interesting post Link to post Share on other sites
Peter_pan Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 very true, but what bugs me even if they do go out with a C**t is why? i know im better than them!! so why do they do it. its insulting lol x Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted July 2, 2008 Author Share Posted July 2, 2008 very true, but what bugs me even if they do go out with a C**t is why? i know im better than them!! so why do they do it. its insulting lol x Lack of self-esteem. As my counselor keeps telling me, my ex's actions are all about HIM, not ME. So even if he is boning a total skank, that is absolutely no reflection on me, but instead a reflection of the quality of woman he thinks he deserves. Link to post Share on other sites
Tabatha Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I fear that he'll just find someone better than me. I'm not perfect. I'm still young, nieve, and financially don't have much to offer. I'm not in school like I should be. I'm sensitive and get emotional. But the thing is, even though he is 5 years older, he's still in the same boat as me. He has No job(thankfully I got one now), no college education, no car (I did have a car, but lost my job. Financing sucks!), and still lives at home. He's admitted he still doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. Part of the reason he thinks we wont work because we both need to work on achieving our goals to better ourselves as individuals. So my fear is not NOW. It's when he accomplishes whatever he needs to, and when ready to be involved in a relationship, he forgets about me and gets involved with another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Grrrr....why do you ladies and gents do this to yourselves? This is one big bundle of self-esteem issues. Who cares who your exes end up with? If you've completely let them go, rejoice that you're not the one who has to put up with their crap anymore, regardless of if they've changed. I recently found out my ex-H FINALLY started dating again. It cheered me up to no end. My stalker is gone! Link to post Share on other sites
LikeCharlotte Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I'm kind of hoping he gets it together, but I am in a different place. I don't want him and I never thought there was anything I could have done. It was always very obvious that he has his issues. So I guess thats why I wouldn't feel offended if it all works out for him. Mind you, I expect it to take a long time. If suddenly hes all better and working on it, (as in right now) and I was a sacrificial lamb... yeah I'm a bit pissed. Oh no! I feel another epiphany coming on... Link to post Share on other sites
renaissancewoman101 Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 My biggest fear is that I will never see him again or that we will never be on good terms again. And yes, I do believe that one can be friends with an ex and make it work. Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Fear is said too much. There is the lingering doubt that it really was me who drove him to do those things. I still can't put my image of him and the reality of what he was together. Link to post Share on other sites
confused and broken Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I also have this urge to warn all women of the world about him that he will lead you on to no end and pretend he wants to be in a LTR and then remain emotionally unavailable forever I want to stop him from hurting someone else, but still my biggest fear is that he could change and be a real man And then I would have to spend my whole life wondering why he couldn't be that man for me Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixFromTheFlames Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 ...that our exes will somehow be changed, vastly improved, wonderful, unlocked, unblocked, unselfish, kind, generous, not-controlling, non-substance-abusing, emotionally available, and otherwise perfect partners in their NEXT relationship. This sums up my thinking right now. I was doing so well (really well) until last night when I heard through the grapevine that he and the girl he left me for are really happy and have been accepted as a couple. I just do not get it. I really, really don't. It makes me feel worse knowing that they are happy because it proves that I was inadequate in some way. It's horrible, but i'd feel happy if his new relationship went up in flames, and I hate feeling so spiteful. Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 It makes me feel worse knowing that they are happy because it proves that I was inadequate in some way. I No. Think about it this way: you were happy at the beginning, too. It's normal. They see it through rose-coloured glasses now. Once reality sets in, they will have problems too. Chances are, he will chose to walk away from her, just as he chose to walk away from you. Maybe you weren't perfect for each other, but that doesn't make you inadequate as a person. Link to post Share on other sites
pickingupthepieces Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I USED to feel that way.. until my recent contact.. and well my eyes are starting to open.. someone who drinks 5 out of 7 nights of the week and can't remember anything they did or said... is NOT somebody I want to be with... Someone who can't open there mouth and speak and can sit there and pout and expect me to go running to him to have me help him solve his problems... when he's the one who left me... NO I'm not doing it. I have had a chance to see exactly how he is.. sad, lonely and well in all honesty.. pathetic! Don't ask me why the hell I can't let go... when I can see how he REALLY is.. I really can't see someone majically coming along and changing him.. he just can't not when he's been like this his whole life! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted July 2, 2008 Author Share Posted July 2, 2008 Grrrr....why do you ladies and gents do this to yourselves? This is one big bundle of self-esteem issues. Who cares who your exes end up with? If you've completely let them go, rejoice that you're not the one who has to put up with their crap anymore, regardless of if they've changed. I recently found out my ex-H FINALLY started dating again. It cheered me up to no end. My stalker is gone! Hi TBF. For some of us this is part of the process of letting them go. Perhaps you have an ability to flip a switch and be done with someone who wronged you...but not everyone has that ability. My hope for this thread was that people would start examining their fears, to see that, in many cases, they are irrational. If they can bring those worries down to 'real world size' rather than being these enormous, throat-closing, heart-stopping, tear-inducing phobias, it might help some people get closer to being 'done' with their exes. Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I am absolutely sure he will be happy. I am absolutely sure he will marry at around 30 (as did his elder brother), so since this is his 27th birthday it's either going to be the monster or the girl after her. Why do I know this? Because he always had plans, rules on how to behave. He always knew what was good, appropriate etc. It will be good and appropriate to marry at around 30. He will then wait for a couple of years till he can pay for a house/flat and then he will have kids. I would bet a huge amount of money on it. Why is this revelation actually not hurting me very much? Because it's not what I want. I don't want to marry because the age fits, I want to marry because I want to spend my life with somebody. I want to marry because I believe in that bond with that person. I want to marry out of trust, love and hope. I don't want to have children when it suits his schedule, but when we both feel ready. I want emotion, not a plan. The thing is...that even though it wasn't a great relationship, he did love me. I believe he never respected me much, but he loved me like crazy when we lived together. When this year ended, and we had to make it long distance...he was heart-broken. And it was him who ruined what he had with me. I showed him love, where he had only known affection. This is the wound I gave him. He will be haunted by the memory of his own conduct when he encounters someone like me again. One more reason to drive him into said "controlled life", where he holds the strings, and never allows himself to lose control. It's simply not what I want. Sad. We could have been awesome together. He had many good sides, and had I not been so co-dependent, we would have been even greater than we were. But it was him who destroyed it, on many many levels. He gave up his chance on what I call happiness. So I don't lose anything, really. It's just a bump in the road. (Heh, rather long post. Sorry. ) Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Hi TBF. For some of us this is part of the process of letting them go. Perhaps you have an ability to flip a switch and be done with someone who wronged you...but not everyone has that ability. My hope for this thread was that people would start examining their fears, to see that, in many cases, they are irrational. If they can bring those worries down to 'real world size' rather than being these enormous, throat-closing, heart-stopping, tear-inducing phobias, it might help some people get closer to being 'done' with their exes. All fears are irrational. To quote Frank Herbert "Fear is the mindkiller". Edit - To expand on this, emotions are irrational, particularly what you're experiencing after break up. Why feed your irrational emotions with more irrational fears? By the time you're done, you will have created a fictional monster of Biblical proportions. Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 TBF: How long did it take for you to be completely over your ex and the cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 It took under 6 months to get over about 99% of it. I started dating casually about 2+ months after D-day. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I too worry that he will just up and change. Stop being a drunk. Stop being an @sshole. All the sudden his life is rainbows and roses. He cheated in Sept and married HER in June. They barely know each other - they met in Sept as well. They are now having a baby that is due in October. He was engaged to ME. We were together for 7 years - he cheated and dropped me like a bad habit. It hurts me that he chose her. Even after all of our history together. After everything I helped him accomplish. It hurts me that he 'appears' happy and his life is all together while I am struggling to pick up the pieces. I mean, I am better now, but not 100%. It hurts me that he just up and married her...like I was som sort of monster that he is happy to be rid of. I mean, that's what he said as he was breaking up with me. I want to be happy. I want to be happy first. That's not what's happening. I see that that is only fair though...since he was the one who broke my heart! It's amazing how the mind can do this to you. It's self torture, really. I guess we all want justice??? For me...I am allowing myself to get over what happened...he just jumped right in to his next relationship without even taking a breath. Will it work? Maybe. Do I want it to? NO! I want to be the one that got away. WIll that happen. Maybe...maybe not. but right now, it's what I want. Hopefully one day, sooner than later, it won't matter!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dharris27 Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 This is a great post. This was absolutely my worst fear. On some surface level i thought i could see he had changed. Not true. His friends have relayed to me he's still an ******* and he's dating an *******. So really i just see that he's met someone at lame as he is. He's not really lame. He's just only nice to people who don't challenge his worth and stroke his ego all the time. Barf. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Sky's the limit when you allow your imagination and fears to dominate you. It's not a competition with exes or future SO's. It's the now, where you should be focusing on YOU, acceptance, letting go and moving on. Picking at wounds just rips them open again. Let your scabs heal...all the way. Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Trial: But this is sunshine's intent. To face your fears to understand why you fear them, and then to let go of them because you realize they are irrational. If you simply ignore a problem, you'll never have a solution to it. So, adressing our fears (in difference to obsessing about them) can only be benefical. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Overly-analyzing can kill you. The more you dwell on those fears, the worse they become. This isn't facing your fears, it's creating those fears for no reason at all, beyond the purposes of self-bludgeoning. The second those fears come to mind, is the second you should be shutting them down with thoughts in a more positive direction, if it takes ridiculing yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Peter_pan Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 analysis paralysis Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 analysis paralysis Exactly!!!!!!! You stop yourselves from accepting that it's OVER, then letting go and moving on. Technically speaking from the moment of break up, you have two choices: 1) You can try to get them back, set a course that way and actively work towards it, realizing that again, you might have the same choice to make in the future, or 2) You can accept that it's OVER, let go and move on. Many of you don't have the luxury of the first option so choice #2, is all you have. Focus on this v. killing yourselves slowly. Link to post Share on other sites
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