Let's face it, one of our big fears is...

[Nevermind]

Mh. I can only speak for myself, of course.

 

This was the first love and relationship I had. It ended really badly, and the relationship itself maybe wasn't the best either. So, I feel that I have a lot of work to do before I can be with somebody again. This includes working through my fears and issues. Of course, I take him as an example, but many of those things are mainly about me. Not being able to set boundaries, for example. So, by adressing them I am helping myself.

 

The break-up was just the initial motivator. I realize that I made mistakes that I could never have made on my own and I know that I don't want to commit them again. So working on myself is necesary.

 

I understand what and why you are saying it, but unless the people here will be stuck in the same mental circle next year and beyond that, there is no reason to fear we are damaging ourselves by this way of coping.

[sunshinegirl]

2) You can accept that it's OVER, let go and move on.

 

Acceptance is normally the last stage of the grieving process.

[Trialbyfire]

Acceptance is normally the last stage of the grieving process.

Exactly. Are you going to allow yourself to get there?

[critter909]

My ex ex is in jail, so no worries there. The recent ex is another story. He could continue drinking and end up in jail too, which I fear, or quit and be a great guy, but with someone else, which I fear too. It sucks, I know we could be great together IF... there is always the if. I know it's irrational but it hurts to think that someone can do better than me for him. I think I will feel that way until I don't love him anymore (really long time )

[sunshinegirl]

Exactly. Are you going to allow yourself to get there?

 

Errr, yes, TBF. I don't quite understand why you can't see threads like this as part of the process that comes before acceptance. You seem to see this as a hindrance to healing, where I see it as a vehicle of healing.

[Trialbyfire]

Here's a possible visual of what you might be experiencing. Each of your negative thoughts is like a cat. Have you ever tried herding cats, especially when more cats are manifesting themselves on a continuous basis?

 

So you start trying to herd one cat outside because it scratched your furniture and all of a sudden, there are five cats. You start trying to herd five cats, which turns into forty cats.

 

Instead of trying to herd cats, why not nip it in the bud by picking up the first cat and throwing it outside?

[Confused9]

I mean, I am not trying to speak from everyone else...but we WANT to be healed. We WANT to let go. We WANT to move on. It just takes time.

 

This isn't the way I want to feel forever. I feel better than I did in Sept. But...I'm a work in progress. I wasn't perfect...neither was he...but I am a decent human being who wants to work on myself and figure out why I am so scared to be alone. Why I feel like I will never be enough and why I feel that him leaving me for her means that she is better or I am a bad person or he wins, etc. Exploring these questions is probably better than stuffing them away...like HE did.

 

I am all for being over him. I just need to get there first!

[carhill]

Instead of trying to herd cats, why not nip it in the bud by picking up the first cat and throwing it outside?

 

And coming to understand how that cat got in the house in the first place

[Nevermind]

Carhill, exactly.

 

Find the leack, before you start pouring the water out. Or the ship will sink sooner or later.

 

(Ha! Top that image!)

[Trialbyfire]

And coming to understand how that cat got in the house in the first place

But only after you've tossed it outside, otherwise, while you're coming to that understanding, the cat is multiplying.

[critter909]

Trial- we are not over our ex's. That's the problem You can't just not think about these things when you still have feelings for them. We are all thinking these things in our heads all day, I think it's good to get them out there in writing and have people comment on them. We slowly start to see that they are irrational etc. It's just a question of time for most of us. It simply has not been long enough or for some the ex's are still stringing them along with phone calls etc. You sound like you have already gotten over yours...

[Nevermind]

Trial, see in my allegory. You need to first find the reason. It all depends on the image.

[twice_shy]

...that our exes will somehow be changed, vastly improved, wonderful, unlocked, unblocked, unselfish, kind, generous, not-controlling, non-substance-abusing, emotionally available, and otherwise perfect partners in their NEXT relationship.

 

Nah, I could care less. And if somehow they did "change", I know it was only on the surface.

 

 

And we mostly fear that something about the new person will inspire them to change (dramatically)...thus somehow demonstrating that we weren't good enough or didn't do the right things.

 

Again, I could care less. I know the truth. And does knowing that really mean anything? No. I don't want her and don't care how she is with someone else.

 

 

Two more stories to illustrate this truth:

 

• My truly NPD ex-boyfriend (my first) is still just as NPD as ever. Only he's finally realized he's gay. So my fears that he was going to marry the perfect woman (because somehow I wasn't perfect enough!) were...truly laughable.
  
• My 2005 boyfriend married someone else...whose personality is 180 degrees opposite mine: she's grouchy, negative, and mean to other women. Which to me says that my ex finally found someone who can deal with his set of problems.
  

 

What it means is, there is someone out there for everyone, even the jackasses.

[Trialbyfire]

The only thing preventing all of you from getting over your exes, is yourselves. The more you over-analyze, the more you hold onto them. I swear this is a way that you can maintain some form of connection with them.

[Trialbyfire]

Trial, see in my allegory. You need to first find the reason. It all depends on the image.

So you keep cycling and cycling, self-flagellating in the process. Is this helping your self-esteem?

[sunshinegirl]

Again, I could care less. I know the truth. And does knowing that really mean anything? No. I don't want her and don't care how she is with someone else.

 

Hi Twice-- do you have any threads or a summary of how you got to the point of not wanting your ex and not caring what's happening in her life now? How long did it take for you to reach acceptance and indifference and were there any particular things, techniques, moments, realizations, a-has, that helped you get there?

[ZenSilk]

Well, that fear implies that there's a switch that can make a person suddenly be perfect all of a sudden. You're ignoring the fact that we all change constantly, or at least we should... Relationships allow us to discover different sides of ourselves and it's perfectly natural to be able to develop some more with one person than with another... because, you know what, maybe then they'll have a new issue with their next partner. It's just a process of self-discovery. And you too were in that process while you were in your relationship!

 

So why not, like TBF says, focus on yourself? Think about all the things that YOU could change or improve in your next relationship. Think about what YOU need and what you've learnt from this experience. If it didn't work out, there's a high chance there was something that was unsuitable for you! So find that out, go out there and try to find a person who's willing to give you that.

 

Don't assume that you weren't good enough. This is really just a self-esteem issue. There is a thing called timing; personal development goes on through a person's life and you might find someone who's a great person, you have a great connection to, you have a relationship with them, but they're still developing. And you might help them in part of that development but not all... and there's no reason to judge yourself for that.

[Nevermind]

I am not cycling. I adress my fears one by one and erase them slowly. Sometimes I go back and work on an issue again. But in the end, I deal with them. I just refuse to be rushed. It's my way, not your's. I have to go it. And, since you're asking: it actually helps my self-esteem. Very much so.

[sunshinegirl]

So why not, like TBF says, focus on yourself? Think about all the things that YOU could change or improve in your next relationship.

 

Let no one here think I'm not ALSO trying to focus on myself. If you look up other posts of mine, you'll see among other things that I am in counseling to examine why I picked this ex, and all of my other exes, and I am learning some important and painful things.

 

It's absolutely healthy and important to start turning the giant ship of ragged emotions toward one's self and one's own future. I am certainly open to learning new methodologies to do so (TBF saying "Just do it" isn't terribly helpful if I don't know how to operationalize that).

 

In the meantime, this kind of processing, thinking, and analysis has always been part of my "post-breakup coping repertoire". I have never remained in this place; I leave it when I come to conclusions about the relationship, him, and myself that I can live with.

[Trialbyfire]

I am not cycling. I adress my fears one by one and erase them slowly. Sometimes I go back and work on an issue again. But in the end, I deal with them. I just refuse to be rushed. It's my way, not your's. I have to go it. And, since you're asking: it actually helps my self-esteem. Very much so.

Let me put it to you this way. How much of what you're imagining, is realistic and grounded in fact? Continuously over-analyzing, when you're no longer in their lives, means that much of what you're imagining is grounded in your own irrational fears and irrational negative emotions.

[carhill]

But only after you've tossed it outside, otherwise, while you're coming to that understanding, the cat is multiplying.

TBH, I believe this is the essence of NC. Toss the cat out (reject the fear of being alone, abandoned, rejected) and then process the impetus for such fears once psychological balance has been regained. It's a different way of thinking oneself out of the box.

 

I'm doing that right now, actively rejecting "what if's" and "was I wrong" and "the f-ing B" and "oops, I'm still married, what was I thinking?"

 

My biggest fear (cat) in need of "rejection" isn't being alone, as I actually enjoy that, it's fear of my purposeful rejection of the elemental psychological connection I've had for a large part of my life as being unhealthy. Fear of psychological emptiness. It's a hard concept to explain. Hopefully I can do it in detail in my journals.

 

My opinion is that we each have our own path to our truth. Others, like yourself and myself, can offer experience and suggestions as signposts, but it is the individual who ultimately walks the path. I feel part of my responsibility in choosing to support that walk is to empathize with and support their path of choice, even while offering my own up as an example of a perhaps different path.

 

WRT the OP, I never have attached that much importance to myself that I think I can make a difference in someone's life. If I do, maybe that's my gift to humanity. I hope that person can take that gift and give it to someone else, as I have as a result of those who have inspired me. I'm just a wandering electron in the universe.

[ZenSilk]

Trial- we are not over our ex's. That's the problem You can't just not think about these things when you still have feelings for them. We are all thinking these things in our heads all day, I think it's good to get them out there in writing and have people comment on them. We slowly start to see that they are irrational etc. It's just a question of time for most of us. It simply has not been long enough or for some the ex's are still stringing them along with phone calls etc. You sound like you have already gotten over yours...

 

I think TBF is giving you a hint on how to get over the ex. At some point you're gonna have to look somewhere else, just divert your attention from what happened and start living your life. I do think that much time is needed to understand what happened, and mostly only a full understanding of that will allow you to let go.. but the best you can do until them is not contact them, focus on your life, and if you do that, at some point letting go comes naturally. Some people need more time that others, but I do think that one can actively help oneself move on. You can adress your irrational fears *while* moving on.

 

A lot of it, I think, is just accepting that your relationship wasn't an exam on how well you do with someone else. It was an experience, and there's things you can learn from it. That's your big treasure.

 

 

Let no one here think I'm not ALSO trying to focus on myself. If you look up other posts of mine, you'll see among other things that I am in counseling to examine why I picked this ex, and all of my other exes, and I am learning some important and painful things.

 

It's absolutely healthy and important to start turning the giant ship of ragged emotions toward one's self and one's own future. I am certainly open to learning new methodologies to do so (TBF saying "Just do it" isn't terribly helpful if I don't know how to operationalize that).

 

In the meantime, this kind of processing, thinking, and analysis has always been part of my "post-breakup coping repertoire". I have never remained in this place; I leave it when I come to conclusions about the relationship, him, and myself that I can live with.

 

Maybe the difference between people who move on faster and those who get stuck is in knowing those methodologies. Realizing what your irrational behaviors are, and especially having trained yourself in doing so and in being in control of your emotions. It's good that you're analyzing your patterns... but don't forget to look forward. I know that I got lost forever in the past, and that didn't help me. Once I realized what my patterns were I should've moved on a bit faster.

[Nevermind]

One question:

 

Your point in general is clear, and I agree in part. But in other threads and subfora, you are always advocating people to deal with their issues, to go into therapy if needs be, to adress their problems etc. This what this thread is about. Adressing a fear and also why we have it in the first place. So why are you so against it this time?

 

Let me put it to you this way. How much of what you're imagining, is realistic and grounded in fact? Continuously over-analyzing, when you're no longer in their lives, means that much of what you're imagining is grounded in your own irrational fears and irrational negative emotions.

 

I am not imagining many things. If you read my post regarding the topic, I make two assumptions that are based on his charactre and what I know of his family history and actually things he said himself. It's a pretty objective view on his life.

I am not imagining his life right now, or torture myself by conjuring romantic images. I am speaking about myself. Coping is all about me. It should be. The ex is just a reference point.

[Trialbyfire]

TBH, I believe this is the essence of NC. Toss the cat out (reject the fear of being alone, abandoned, rejected) and then process the impetus for such fears once psychological balance has been regained. It's a different way of thinking oneself out of the box.

 

I'm doing that right now, actively rejecting "what if's" and "was I wrong" and "the f-ing B" and "oops, I'm still married, what was I thinking?"

 

My biggest fear (cat) in need of "rejection" isn't being alone, as I actually enjoy that, it's fear of my purposeful rejection of the elemental psychological connection I've had for a large part of my life as being unhealthy. Fear of psychological emptiness. It's a hard concept to explain. Hopefully I can do it in detail in my journals.

 

My opinion is that we each have our own path to our truth. Others, like yourself and myself, can offer experience and suggestions as signposts, but it is the individual who ultimately walks the path. I feel part of my responsibility in choosing to support that walk is to empathize with and support their path of choice, even while offering my own up as an example of a perhaps different path.

 

WRT the OP, I never have attached that much importance to myself that I think I can make a difference in someone's life. If I do, maybe that's my gift to humanity. I hope that person can take that gift and give it to someone else, as I have as a result of those who have inspired me. I'm just a wandering electron in the universe.

Yes. This is the groundwork for real NC. You're in full control of yourself.

 

It's also a form of controlling the downward spiral that leads to depression. Once you hit depression, you're trapped in a negative world where all paths lead to negative outcomes.

[Trialbyfire]

One question:

 

Your point in general is clear, and I agree in part. But in other threads and subfora, you are always advocating people to deal with their issues, to go into therapy if needs be, to adress their problems etc. This what this thread is about. Adressing a fear and also why we have it in the first place. So why are you so against it this time?

There's a point where you have stop cycling, which is what therapy should help you do, if you're willing to be wide-open with your therapist and actively work with the coping tools created during therapy.

 

I am not imagining many things. If you read my post regarding the topic, I make two assumptions that are based on his charactre and what I know of his family history and actually things he said himself. It's a pretty objective view on his life.

I am not imagining his life right now, or torture myself by conjuring romantic images. I am speaking about myself. Coping is all about me. It should be. The ex is just a reference point.

If there's no imagination at work here, why would you be imagining his future with someone else?