Let's face it, one of our big fears is...

[ZenSilk]

My biggest fear (cat) in need of "rejection" isn't being alone, as I actually enjoy that, it's fear of my purposeful rejection of the elemental psychological connection I've had for a large part of my life as being unhealthy. Fear of psychological emptiness. It's a hard concept to explain. Hopefully I can do it in detail in my journals.

 

I'm really curious about the concept of fear of psychological emptiness. Looking forward to those posts.

 

 

My opinion is that we each have our own path to our truth. Others, like yourself and myself, can offer experience and suggestions as signposts, but it is the individual who ultimately walks the path. I feel part of my responsibility in choosing to support that walk is to empathize with and support their path of choice, even while offering my own up as an example of a perhaps different path.

 

WRT the OP, I never have attached that much importance to myself that I think I can make a difference in someone's life. If I do, maybe that's my gift to humanity. I hope that person can take that gift and give it to someone else, as I have as a result of those who have inspired me. I'm just a wandering electron in the universe.

 

Hats off!!!

[Nevermind]

I am not imagining it, in the sense that I conjure images, or think further than "I am sure he will be married one day". I know him, and I am quite sure about it.

But it doesn't bother me anymore. The thought gives me as much emotional drainage as having no milk for my coffee in the morning. He is not what I want, so no...I am not afraid of him being happy. I wrote it because it relates to the topic of this thread, yet I would not have opened a thread about it myself.

[Trialbyfire]

I am not imagining it, in the sense that I conjure images, or think further than "I am sure he will be married one day". I know him, and I am quite sure about it.

But it doesn't bother me anymore. The thought gives me as much emotional drainage as having no milk for my coffee in the morning. He is not what I want, so no...I am not afraid of him being happy. I wrote it because it relates to the topic of this thread, yet I would not have opened a thread about it myself.

So how long did it take you to get to this point?

[ZenSilk]

I am not imagining it, in the sense that I conjure images, or think further than "I am sure he will be married one day". I know him, and I am quite sure about it.

But it doesn't bother me anymore. The thought gives me as much emotional drainage as having no milk for my coffee in the morning. He is not what I want, so no...I am not afraid of him being happy. I wrote it because it relates to the topic of this thread, yet I would not have opened a thread about it myself.

 

So then it sounds like you're not afraid that your ex will "improve" with someone else but you.

[Nevermind]

Exactly. I am not in his life anymore, and I can doubt what happened in the past, but the future is not my business. I doubt that he will improve, but I don't fear it.

 

Oh, this might have been confusing. I was defending the thread, not keeping the fear. Was that not clear?

[Trialbyfire]

Exactly. I am not in his life anymore, and I can doubt what happened in the past, but the future is not my business. I doubt that he will improve, but I don't fear it.

 

Oh, this might have been confusing. I was defending the thread, not keeping the fear. Was that not clear?

So you never had the fear but are condoning over-analysis and counter-productive cycling?

[Nevermind]

I don't think it is over-analysis and counter-productive cycling. We're not in court, so easy on the leading questions.

 

I think it's an important part of recovery for some. I have been there. I still battle other fears and questions. And I think everybody shoud take the time they need, provided they are working on their recovery and not only throwing a pity-party.

[carhill]

Yes. This is the groundwork for real NC. You're in full control of yourself.

 

It's also a form of controlling the downward spiral that leads to depression. Once you hit depression, you're trapped in a negative world where all paths lead to negative outcomes.

I've experienced multi-year depression, and it was an important part of my coming to understand this dynamic. I don't wish that on anyone..... much easier to take grounded advice and avoid the depression part

[Trialbyfire]

I've experienced multi-year depression, and it was an important part of my coming to understand this dynamic. I don't wish that on anyone..... much easier to take grounded advice and avoid the depression part

During the six month recovery period after D-day, I went through white, ice cold rage which crashed me to a minor depression, which I consciously pulled myself out of, by eating, cranking up the exercise regime and reconnecting with the NOW.

 

In getting therapy for the anger, it helped me to realize a lot with the coping tools created from the therapy. I still actively apply these coping tools after relationship cessations, which btw, has happened in the past year since my divorce.

[sunshinegirl]

During the six month recovery period after D-day, I went through white, ice cold rage which crashed me to a minor depression, which I consciously pulled myself out of, by eating, cranking up the exercise regime and reconnecting with the NOW.

 

In getting therapy for the anger, it helped me to realize a lot with the coping tools created from the therapy. I still actively apply these coping tools after relationship cessations, which btw, has happened in the past year since my divorce.

 

I think I've asked you this before - what are those tools? Redirecting thoughts? Using mantras? Focusing on what didn't work in the relationship that ended? Letting yourself feel your feelings (or, alternately, minimizing them or somehow changing them)?

 

Like I said, I'm open to new coping mechanisms. I deliberately asked my counselor what I should do when the overwhelming feelings of missing E. pop up; when my hopeless thoughts take over; when I 'catastrophize' and imagine I'll never have another love... and her advice was to accept the thoughts/feelings, remind myself they're temporary, remind myself that I've gotten over all previous breakups and gone on to, generally, better relationships. (My brother-in-law, for example, thinks I'm getting better at picking men as time goes by. I just haven't picked/found the right one yet...)

 

ETA: for me, a big part of coping is 'devaluing' the ex to some degree: getting him OFF the pedestal of 'he was the best, I'll never have better'. To me, this thread is part of that pedestal-breaking process.

[Trialbyfire]

I think I've asked you this before - what are those tools? Redirecting thoughts? Using mantras? Focusing on what didn't work in the relationship that ended? Letting yourself feel your feelings (or, alternately, minimizing them or somehow changing them)?

 

Like I said, I'm open to new coping mechanisms. I deliberately asked my counselor what I should do when the overwhelming feelings of missing E. pop up; when my hopeless thoughts take over; when I 'catastrophize' and imagine I'll never have another love... and her advice was to accept the thoughts/feelings, remind myself they're temporary, remind myself that I've gotten over all previous breakups and gone on to, generally, better relationships. (My brother-in-law, for example, thinks I'm getting better at picking men as time goes by. I just haven't picked/found the right one yet...)

You focus on what's important to you, therefore devaluing the significance of the thought(s).

 

For example:

 

You value integrity in a person. Your thoughts take the road of "what if". You then apply the integrity value towards why bother with "what ifs", if he's not that kind of person?

[sunshinegirl]

You focus on what's important to you, therefore devaluing the significance of the thought(s).

 

For example:

 

You value integrity in a person. Your thoughts take the road of "what if". You then apply the integrity value towards why bother with "what ifs", if he's not that kind of person?

 

This, THIS, is helpful! Thank you.

[Trialbyfire]

This, THIS, is helpful! Thank you.

You're welcome. I tried to explain it in that last thread but failed.

 

I can also get very obsessive but have learned to nip it when it rears a negative or counter-productive head. It's what I also tried to say in another thread. Our analytic strengths are our weaknesses. Shut down the weaknesses 'cause you're only hurting yourself.

[AnLandy]

 

"It's simply not what I want. Sad. We could have been awesome together. He had many good sides, and had I not been so co-dependent, we would have been even greater than we were. But it was him who destroyed it, on many many levels. He gave up his chance on what I call happiness."

 

 

I'm facing similar feelings. I love my ex, but we approach life in a very different way. He is cautious, and, as he puts it himself, likes to live inside the box. He recognizes that he tends to get into ruts, and isn't always happy about this, but takes little effort to change things.

 

On the flip side, he was also fundamentally decent, kind, good-hearted, and trustworthy. He could also be generous where my financial and material needs are concerned, and, when he was willing to step outside his comfort zone (which was rare) he could be a very fun and romantic man.

 

The part that I am struggling with is the fact that small glimpses of a passionate, engaged, funny, happy man came out on ocassion. I just couldn't figure out how to help him be that passionate, engaged, funny, happy man the majority of the time.

[lovely81]

There is a lot of irony in trying to get people to stop analyzing by presenting an analysis of why such analyzing is useless.

[LikeCharlotte]

You're welcome. I tried to explain it in that last thread but failed.

 

I can also get very obsessive but have learned to nip it when it rears a negative or counter-productive head. It's what I also tried to say in another thread. Our analytic strengths are our weaknesses. Shut down the weaknesses 'cause you're only hurting yourself.

Not everyone who is analytical takes it to the point of hurting themselves. Some are very in control and use analysis quite productively. I think sometimes there is a bit of projection in your advice TBF. I think sunshine is doing well. Healing takes time plain and simple. I think her tools are really good and there is nothing wrong with using LS to discuss "out loud" some of the fears and thoughts she has. There is such a thing as too much. I don't think she's crossed that line.

 

Sunshine- do you think you need to put yourself in check more often? Are you obsessing? be honest...

[kizik]

There is trying to figure out what happened, what your faults in the R were, etc... Things about ourselves we can control in the next R.

 

And then there are pointless imaginings of the ex with someone new, how they will be happy without us, etc. Things about others we have no control over.

 

This thread is very interesting, but deals with the latter here, which is counter-productive, IMO.

[sunshinegirl]

Sunshine- do you think you need to put yourself in check more often? Are you obsessing? be honest...

 

I am having a really tough week, I can say that. I have been going down old, well-worn obsessive paths of self-blame so for me this thread was a way to help me cope with the negative obsessions. It was an attempt to restore some balance and "reality" to my out-of-control fears that I'm inadequate somehow.

 

I was trying to encourage others not just to say what their biggest fears are, but to then try to wrestle them to the ground - what's true about the fear, and what's exaggerated or just plain silly/wrong/inaccurate? That being said, I'm not sure that's the direction everyone went with it.

 

I appreciated TBF's very concrete coping suggestion. I just spent a few minutes writing out a list of things I value vs. how E behaved with respect to that value. He comes up short so far in every category. I think that's helping. Some.

 

But to be honest, I am feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Maybe it's that time is slipping by, he's not contacting me, and I still want a way to hold onto him so my obsessions are kicking into higher gear. I'm not proud. I'm trying to get through this.

[The Collector]

How my exes are doing, and wishing them ill, is not one of my biggest fears or issues. Seems to be more of a female thing.

[Trialbyfire]

Not everyone who is analytical takes it to the point of hurting themselves. Some are very in control and use analysis quite productively. I think sometimes there is a bit of projection in your advice TBF. I think sunshine is doing well. Healing takes time plain and simple. I think her tools are really good and there is nothing wrong with using LS to discuss "out loud" some of the fears and thoughts she has. There is such a thing as too much. I don't think she's crossed that line.

 

Sunshine- do you think you need to put yourself in check more often? Are you obsessing? be honest...

Yes, it does take time but you control the amount of time it takes. You're either going to let yourself get past it or not. You are the only person who slows down your healing.

 

As for projection, yes and no. I nip before it becomes obsessive. Do you?

[Trialbyfire]

How my exes are doing, and wishing them ill, is not one of my biggest fears or issues. Seems to be more of a female thing.

I wouldn't genderize it like this. It's reliant on the person involved. You aren't the only male on LS. Take a look around at recent threads and you'll find enough males cycling and cycling.

[Trialbyfire]

I am having a really tough week, I can say that. I have been going down old, well-worn obsessive paths of self-blame so for me this thread was a way to help me cope with the negative obsessions. It was an attempt to restore some balance and "reality" to my out-of-control fears that I'm inadequate somehow.

 

I was trying to encourage others not just to say what their biggest fears are, but to then try to wrestle them to the ground - what's true about the fear, and what's exaggerated or just plain silly/wrong/inaccurate? That being said, I'm not sure that's the direction everyone went with it.

 

I appreciated TBF's very concrete coping suggestion. I just spent a few minutes writing out a list of things I value vs. how E behaved with respect to that value. He comes up short so far in every category. I think that's helping. Some.

 

But to be honest, I am feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Maybe it's that time is slipping by, he's not contacting me, and I still want a way to hold onto him so my obsessions are kicking into higher gear. I'm not proud. I'm trying to get through this.

sunshinegirl, like any other coping tool, it needs to be consistently applied over time until it becomes hardwired into your psyche. It's damn hard work but worth every minute of it.

[The Collector]

I wouldn't genderize it like this. It's reliant on the person involved. You aren't the only male on LS. Take a look around at recent threads and you'll find enough males cycling and cycling.

 

I know. I'm not saying it's completely a female thing, but more so I reckon. Are the men in this situation wishing their partners real ill? Some maybe, but I think revenge and obsessive hatred over being rejected/let down are girly attitudes, as is reflected in the genders of those who have contributed to this thread.

[kizik]

I'm a guy. I hope she gets her heart broken, yes. But I would never want her to be physically hurt.

[Trialbyfire]

I know. I'm not saying it's completely a female thing, but more so I reckon. Are the men in this situation wishing their partners real ill? Some maybe, but I think revenge and obsessive hatred over being rejected/let down are girly attitudes, as is reflected in the genders of those who have contributed to this thread.

Once again, take a look around.