Let's face it, one of our big fears is...

[foxh1234]

I wouldn't genderize it like this. It's reliant on the person involved. You aren't the only male on LS. Take a look around at recent threads and you'll find enough males cycling and cycling.

 

Hi Trial, I'm cycling for sure. I keep finding out stuff about her and it sets me back. I have told every friend I have to tell me nothing, but I run into people and I hear things. I want to get over this, tell me how and what to do to stop this cycle. Thanks in advance.

[The Collector]

Once again, take a look around.

 

I'm looking. I see bitter women hating their ex outnumbering men in a similar situation by at least two to one. Move on ladies! And girly-men too!

[kizik]

So I hate my ex. That makes me a girly-man? Fine.

 

Good luck making friends on this site.

[Trialbyfire]

Hi Trial, I'm cycling for sure. I keep finding out stuff about her and it sets me back. I have told every friend I have to tell me nothing, but I run into people and I hear things. I want to get over this, tell me how and what to do to stop this cycle. Thanks in advance.

fox, did you post a thread about this? I'm interested to know what kinds of things you've found out and how you're addressing them.

[The Collector]

Good luck making friends on this site.

 

Not my intention. You might do better with the ladies if you stop craving approval so much!

[kizik]

You have no idea who I am or what I do. But I'm not going to enter into a dialog with someone as presumptuous as yourself.

[The Collector]

I'm just being cheeky. I have no idea who you are or what you do.

[kizik]

Yeah well, it's a tough time and I don't appreciate criticisms of my character from online strangers, facetious or not.

[foxh1234]

fox, did you post a thread about this? I'm interested to know what kinds of things you've found out and how you're addressing them.

 

Hi TBF, I posted a thread earlier I can't remember what it was titled. In a nutshell, I was dumped after I found out she was sleeping with another guy for 3 months while still sleeping with me. I went NC for about a month and then she contacted me, back to day one. Another few weeks and I wrote her a goodbye email, she emailed back a very nice goodbye and that was that. I ran into to her a few days after that and we embraced in a parking lot for 15 minutes without saying much at all. It seemed like the BIG GOODBYE. Only I was set back to day one again. 3 more weeks go by with NC and I'm feeling pretty good when I found out through a used to be friend that she slept with a second guy while we were together. This was a few days ago and I have been cycling thoughts in my head ever since. I want to move on and forget her. I still love her though even with what she has done to me. I never want to be with her again, but do still love her. It has been almost 4 months since the breakup.

[Trialbyfire]

Hi TBF, I posted a thread earlier I can't remember what it was titled. In a nutshell, I was dumped after I found out she was sleeping with another guy for 3 months while still sleeping with me. I went NC for about a month and then she contacted me, back to day one. Another few weeks and I wrote her a goodbye email, she emailed back a very nice goodbye and that was that. I ran into to her a few days after that and we embraced in a parking lot for 15 minutes without saying much at all. It seemed like the BIG GOODBYE. Only I was set back to day one again. 3 more weeks go by with NC and I'm feeling pretty good when I found out through a used to be friend that she slept with a second guy while we were together. This was a few days ago and I have been cycling thoughts in my head ever since. I want to move on and forget her. I still love her though even with what she has done to me. I never want to be with her again, but do still love her. It has been almost 4 months since the breakup.

Okay fox, I'm moving my response to your most recent thread. Let's run through the process!

[The Collector]

Yeah well, it's a tough time and I don't appreciate criticisms of my character from online strangers, facetious or not.

 

You have to move on b/c you're a 41 year old man who can't waste his time crying about some slut of a bitch who cheated on him. You're supposed to have a thicker skin at that age.

 

Brutally honest? You're too old to be such a baby about such an idiot of a person.

 

Sometimes we need a kick in the as*. I know I sure do.

 

'Touche' is probably your only fair response at this point.

[kizik]

You are a smartas*, and I kind of like you.

[The Collector]

I kind of like you too kizaz. I mean kizik. Hahaha I kill me, I am drunk.

[kizik]

Hmm, that explains it a bit.

[The Collector]

Yeah well, joking aside, you seem cool and you know you should follow your own advice and not let some stupid ex give you negative energy. Not saying I haven't been guilty of it occasionally in the past, but the best advice is to 'man up' and move on. Revenge is a life lived well, or somesuch, and a life lived well doesn't include bitterness and hate. Much.

[kizik]

Collector,

 

thank you. Please read my newest thread about Winning. It's uplifting and shows that I'm not that negative. I am def. trying to "man up."

[sunshinegirl]

You focus on what's important to you, therefore devaluing the significance of the thought(s).

 

For example:

 

You value integrity in a person. Your thoughts take the road of "what if". You then apply the integrity value towards why bother with "what ifs", if he's not that kind of person?

1. I value integrity. He was a hypocrite. He said he knew how painful it was to be cheated on, but turned around and cheated on me (justifying it to himself the whole time, no doubt). He told both lies of omission (doubts about us and his feelings) and commission (“nothing’s happened with her”).
   
2. I value having a clear moral compass. He thinks morals are “self-evident” (at one point he literally couldn't see the point of discussing one's ethical or moral code). He thinks only the married person in an affair between two people bears any responsibility. I would not want him teaching our children his version of morality – what, he would be fine with his daughter having an affair with a married man?
   
3. I value openness and self-disclosure. He let no one in – not his ex-wife, not his best friend, not his parents, not me. He was, even after a year together, practically a black box. I knew very little about his emotional life even though I got him talking more than anyone else in his life. He intellectualizes his feelings and denies or represses emotions to such a degree that he is emotionally flat. I never saw him with unbridled joy or deep sadness. His way of dealing with his feelings is to go for a 10 mile run.
   
4. I value conversation and ideas. He pushes his (often obnoxious) opinion and puts down those who disagree with him. I can’t remember the last time I heard a genuinely curious question come out of his mouth, motivated by wanting to understand someone else’s point of view. He sees himself as right, all the time, e.g. Republicans are stupid; religious people are stupid. He is cynical.
   
5. I value people. He wasn't actually kidding when he said he hates people. He wants to use the self-checkout at the grocery store so he doesn’t have to deal with a checker. He never tried to get to know my friends or family. People simply don’t register on his radar screen, especially anyone outside his very small circle of family, colleagues, and friends. He was never curious about me as a person - how I came to be who I am, what experiences have been important in shaping me, what I'm proud of having accomplished. He doesn’t care about things like Darfur, tsunamis, earthquakes, grinding poverty, etc. He thinks nobody can do anything about such problems except vote the right politicians into office so they can deal with it. He admits he can’t empathize with others.
   

[Trialbyfire]

1. I value integrity. He was a hypocrite. He said he knew how painful it was to be cheated on, but turned around and cheated on me (justifying it to himself the whole time, no doubt). He told both lies of omission (doubts about us and his feelings) and commission (“nothing’s happened with her”).
   
2. I value having a clear moral compass. He thinks morals are “self-evident” (at one point he literally couldn't see the point of discussing one's ethical or moral code). He thinks only the married person in an affair between two people bears any responsibility. I would not want him teaching our children his version of morality – what, he would be fine with his daughter having an affair with a married man?
   
3. I value openness and self-disclosure. He let no one in – not his ex-wife, not his best friend, not his parents, not me. He was, even after a year together, practically a black box. I knew very little about his emotional life even though I got him talking more than anyone else in his life. He intellectualizes his feelings and denies or represses emotions to such a degree that he is emotionally flat. I never saw him with unbridled joy or deep sadness. His way of dealing with his feelings is to go for a 10 mile run.
   
4. I value conversation and ideas. He pushes his (often obnoxious) opinion and puts down those who disagree with him. I can’t remember the last time I heard a genuinely curious question come out of his mouth, motivated by wanting to understand someone else’s point of view. He sees himself as right, all the time, e.g. Republicans are stupid; religious people are stupid. He is cynical.
   
5. I value people. He wasn't actually kidding when he said he hates people. He wants to use the self-checkout at the grocery store so he doesn’t have to deal with a checker. He never tried to get to know my friends or family. People simply don’t register on his radar screen, especially anyone outside his very small circle of family, colleagues, and friends. He was never curious about me as a person - how I came to be who I am, what experiences have been important in shaping me, what I'm proud of having accomplished. He doesn’t care about things like Darfur, tsunamis, earthquakes, grinding poverty, etc. He thinks nobody can do anything about such problems except vote the right politicians into office so they can deal with it. He admits he can’t empathize with others.
   

Do you respect him?

[sunshinegirl]

Do you respect him?

 

Intellectually I lost respect for him when I found out he cheated. But I get emotionally all messed because I find myself justifying his behavior (ooh, poor him, just out of a bad marriage, he's confoooosed, I just got caught in the crossfire of his issues) instead of being uniformly and always disgusted by him.

 

I know I don't respect him leaping headfirst into another relationship without processing anything from his marriage or from me.

 

[This should have been a one-word answer, right? See, I'm still really screwed up!]

[Trialbyfire]

Intellectually I lost respect for him when I found out he cheated. But I get emotionally all messed because I find myself justifying his behavior (ooh, poor him, just out of a bad marriage, he's confoooosed, I just got caught in the crossfire of his issues) instead of being uniformly and always disgusted by him.

 

I know I don't respect him leaping headfirst into another relationship without processing anything from his marriage or from me.

 

[This should have been a one-word answer, right? See, I'm still really screwed up!]

Go back to your list of the things you feel are important and reread your responses. After doing this, I ask you again, do you respect him? Forget that you still love him but really and honestly, do you still respect him?

[sunshinegirl]

On further thought, my respect for him must not be dead, because I would never be with someone I don't respect.

 

eta: cross posted.

[Trialbyfire]

On further thought, my respect for him must not be dead, because I would never be with someone I don't respect.

 

eta: cross posted.

I'll wait for your responses to my post.

[sunshinegirl]

Go back to your list of the things you feel are important and reread your responses. After doing this, I ask you again, do you respect him? Forget that you still love him but really and honestly, do you still respect him?

 

That list describes a complete a-hole. No, I don't respect him. He has the maturity and emotional development of a 10-year old.

[Trialbyfire]

That list describes a complete a-hole. No, I don't respect him. He has the maturity and emotional development of a 10-year old.

Exactly! Now let's add in the emotional component. How can you still love someone you don't respect? Are you certain it's real love or is it something familiar?

[sunshinegirl]

Exactly! Now let's add in the emotional component. How can you still love someone you don't respect? Are you certain it's real love or is it something familiar?

 

I know it's something familiar, which I'm working on in therapy: I choose unavailable, narcissistic men as a way to replay childhood scripts with my parents (dad = unavailable; mom = narcissist). I'm fixing this 'family of origin' crap so I don't do it again.

 

But does that automatically mean it's not real love? It acts like love, walks like love, quacks like love. Is it just a good imposter?