Heart broken by "friend"

[DdownUnder]

So…..this is what it feels like to be broken hearted. Man, does it suck! I think this is the first time I’ve felt such agony. Sure there’s been flings and relationships in the past that hadn’t worked out, but I can’t ever recall feeling this low over a girl.

 

I don’t really see the point of posting this on a forum, especially when the only good advice for me in this situation is “MOVE ON!”. And yet I feel compelled to reach out to people who have gone through the same ordeal I have.

 

A little about me – I’m a 21 year old guy in my last year of university. I’m quite athletic, play basketball and work out regularly. Many girls consider me to be very handsome (just thought I’d add that in there

So anyway…I first met this beautiful girl while we attended high school together. We weren’t really close back then though, as she was a year above me. Some time later our paths crossed again and we started hanging out. I developed a crush for her, but she was with another guy at the time so backed off.

 

Fast forward about 3 years, and for some reason my feelings for her started to rekindle. She was single now so I told her how I felt. She told me that she too hadn’t always considered me as just a friend, which I was happy to hear. However, she also said that she wasn’t ready to be with anybody as she had just come out of a serious relationship that didn’t end well.

 

I had really fallen for this girl and so I decided to wait until she was ready for me. We matched so perfectly that it seemed crazy for me to just give up on her. Over the next few months we stated getting closer and closer. We cuddled constantly, held hands and even slept in the same bed together a number of times. We saw each other almost daily.

 

She still remained confused about me though. When I asked her is she wanted to kiss or sleep with me she would say “yes and no”, when I asked her how she would feel about me going out with another girl she said “devastated and relieved”. At one point I told her that I wished I knew how to be the right guy for her, to which she replied “I think you already are, I just don’t always realize it”….conflicted girl huh?

 

Last week, while we were talking about the whole “us” thing I suggested that we make a d-day, make or break. She would come over on Friday night and if we hooked up that was that, and if not we would carry on as no more then friends. She came over, things got close as usual but nothing happened. When the time came for me to kiss her I wimped out. She left on quite awkward terms.

 

I called and texted her over the next few days to tell her that just because nothing happed on “d-day” I hadn’t lost interest in her at all. She didn’t answer or reply to my calls (turns out her phone is busted). I was worried that she had cut me off so I went over to her house late last night. And that’s were my heart shattered….

 

She told me that there was no future for us. She had tried to see me as a boyfriend-type but she simply couldn’t see me in any other way then “friend” or brother type figure. I urged her to try and overcome the initial weirdness of us hooking up, because I know that we would be good together eventually. She said no. We both shed tears, hugged and I left feeling like my whole world crumbled at that moment.

 

Last night felt very much like a final goodbye, which hurts me so much. I am well and truly in love with this girl and the thought of not seeing her again is killing me.

 

What do I do? What can I do? I want to make her see that we’re good together. But again, I think the only healthy thing I can do is let it go, I’ve spent far too much time and far too many emotions on this girl already…sigh…

 

Oh the dangers of the friend zone

 

Wow, that was really long. A big Thank You to anybody who bothered to read all of that, and hopefully some of you share some your wisdom and advice

 

 

 

D

[confused and broken]

From the time she said she wasn't ready because she had just got out of another relationship blah blah blah ... I had a feeling that meant she was never going to ready...

If you have it for someone you feel it and nothing stops you

The worst feeling is crushing harder on someone than they are on you, and I hate to say this but she was definitely using you

It is time to give yourself some respect and cut her off NC is the way to go

By the sounds of it your a sweet guy that lots of women should appreciate so go find one of them...

[Yamaha]

There is nothing you can do unless you want to be her pal. You don't want that so you just have to accept the rejection and find someone who feels attraction for you.

 

The main reason women feel friendship for a guy is because they feel no attraction. Other than looks this is usually because the guy waits to long to tell her he sees her as more than a friend or he never tells her at all.

 

You should have went in for the kiss and not wimped out. She doesn't see you as the man she needs so just take it for experience and do different with the next gal.

[Narf]

I know that it sucks .. (Hmm sucks isnt really a strong enough word) when the person you like/love doesnt feel the same... I am going thru a similar thing but he wont tell me that it is over... and there is nothing there but friends... I know you didnt want to hear it but at least she cares enough to let you know and not drag you thru the "Maybe" "Yes/No" stuff... I know my situation is a crap one and im being strung along... But it is so much harder to walk away from something you want when the other person isnt sure... I have backed away and tried to move on but just when i think it is getting better he reels me back in with a "I think about you lots"... As much as it sucks for you right now a fast clean know where you stand end is so much better then the grey zone... Now you just have to decide how to handle it.. Personally i think staying in contact right now would be extremely hard..and it will take longer to get over it... If i were you i would distance myself .. try to go out have fun the feelings will fade and just hope she leaves you alone so you can feel better...

[Pedigree]

OP, not gonna tell you to move on but just wanna say that if you become more cynical after this experience, it's probably a good thing.

 

The main reason women feel friendship for a guy is because they feel no attraction. Other than looks this is usually because the guy waits to long to tell her he sees her as more than a friend or he never tells her at all.

 

I've always been confused when it comes to the whole "tell her how you feel" thing. Do you tell her or you don't? I've been told telling girls outright= creepy. But then if you don't, this happens. What's the right answer.

[Samari]

I've always been confused when it comes to the whole "tell her how you feel" thing. Do you tell her or you don't? I've been told telling girls outright= creepy. But then if you don't, this happens. What's the right answer.

After quite a few experiences with the "friend zone" I've decided to be a little more "direct" with girls. That doesn't mean I'll confess my love for them after only know them for a short while, but I won't linger too long. I like women to be direct and make decisions after they've had a decent amount of time to think things over. I don't do the whole "platonic" friend thing and "maybe we're this, maybe we're not" deal. Decisions need to be made.

 

I made a thread in this section with a recent experience with a girl I've known for five years and developed feelings for, but she would never tell me in direct terms "I don't feel this way about you". Perhaps she was trying to spare my feelings? I don't know, but I distanced myself from her for a few months and now she recently contacted me and wanted to hang out soon, but when the time comes and I contact her she's suddenly busy the entire week, etc. And for some reason that's when I just felt a little bit of anger inside. I'm not sure if I was a little mad at her or myself. Maybe both. But that might have been the point where I told myself that the risk of being a platonic friend is not worth it. I can't keep leaving my door open and hoping things will develop. She's a great person and all and I wish her well, but I just can't play these games.

[Samari]

I know you didnt want to hear it but at least she cares enough to let you know and not drag you thru the "Maybe" "Yes/No" stuff...

From the sounds of the story she waited way too long to tell him. Then again, he should have been a little more firm and basically told her sooner "I need to know, I can't just be in limbo like this". There are plenty of fish in the sea.

[Pedigree]

After quite a few experiences with the "friend zone" I've decided to be a little more "direct" with girls. That doesn't mean I'll confess my love for them after only know them for a short while, but I won't linger too long. I like women to be direct and make decisions after they've had a decent amount of time to think things over. I don't do the whole "platonic" friend thing and "maybe we're this, maybe we're not" deal. Decisions need to be made.

 

I'm actually the reverse. One of my experiences involved me telling a girl how I feel even after I knew them for quiet a bit, complete with the "Are you seeing anyone?" as a precursor. Obviously I failed so I've always been wary when I read "Go, tell her how you feel".

 

I tend to lean towards not telling her, but showing her. If after the flirting, teasing, breaking touch barrier, the "Let's have lunch", etc. she's still not sure where I stand then I'm obviously chasing after a brick wall. If women are the subtle ones, they should feel right at home about not being told directly.

[asriella]

I have to post from an older perspective.

 

You guys are so, so young. It seems like a mature situation for two people as young as you.

 

All I can say is this. Your job is to fake being over it. Just fake it. Feelings will eventually follow. The stronger you are, the less weepy you are and the more self-confident you are, the more attention you'll get from women. This is my two cents so please no one murder me.

 

I'm going to go out on a precarious limb here and say, the story may not be over yet. BUT, for it to continue, you have to move on. Allow defenses to build inside of you and become strong.

 

Unfortunately, to some women, there's something to the mystery and the chase. She may have enjoyed the little feelings she had for you and when it comes to reality, it may feel too intimate. It may be something she doesn't really want to feel. She's known you too long.

 

So for now, play it cool. Force yourself to hang out with the guys. Enjoy all of what college has (because it really isn't like this when you leave). Enjoy being around thousands of people your exact same age doing all kinds of fun things, at the peak of their beauty. Get into the girls. Have fun at the parties. Get awesome grades. Let that story continue if and when it's ready.

 

Again...my two sense, but based on 35 times around.

[Samari]

I'm actually the reverse. One of my experiences involved me telling a girl how I feel even after I knew them for quiet a bit, complete with the "Are you seeing anyone?" as a precursor. Obviously I failed so I've always been wary when I read "Go, tell her how you feel".

 

I tend to lean towards not telling her, but showing her. If after the flirting, teasing, breaking touch barrier, the "Let's have lunch", etc. she's still not sure where I stand then I'm obviously chasing after a brick wall. If women are the subtle ones, they should feel right at home about not being told directly.

Well in my opinion you should stop beating around the bush to make her "feel comfortable". It just seems that most of the time if you're chasing for that long you're setting yourself up for just being heartbroken. But whatever floats your boat. I for one am done with this waiting thing.

[Samari]

I have to post from an older perspective.

 

You guys are so, so young. It seems like a mature situation for two people as young as you.

 

All I can say is this. Your job is to fake being over it. Just fake it. Feelings will eventually follow. The stronger you are, the less weepy you are and the more self-confident you are, the more attention you'll get from women. This is my two cents so please no one murder me.

 

I'm going to go out on a precarious limb here and say, the story may not be over yet. BUT, for it to continue, you have to move on. Allow defenses to build inside of you and become strong.

 

Unfortunately, to some women, there's something to the mystery and the chase. She may have enjoyed the little feelings she had for you and when it comes to reality, it may feel too intimate. It may be something she doesn't really want to feel. She's known you too long.

 

So for now, play it cool. Force yourself to hang out with the guys. Enjoy all of what college has (because it really isn't like this when you leave). Enjoy being around thousands of people your exact same age doing all kinds of fun things, at the peak of their beauty. Get into the girls. Have fun at the parties. Get awesome grades. Let that story continue if and when it's ready.

 

Again...my two sense, but based on 35 times around.

Now that sounds like a good post.

[Pedigree]

Hear, hear.

[Yamaha]

I made a thread in this section with a recent experience with a girl I've known for five years and developed feelings for, but she would never tell me in direct terms "I don't feel this way about you". Perhaps she was trying to spare my feelings? I don't know, but I distanced myself from her for a few months and now she recently contacted me and wanted to hang out soon, but when the time comes and I contact her she's suddenly busy the entire week, etc. And for some reason that's when I just felt a little bit of anger inside. I'm not sure if I was a little mad at her or myself. Maybe both. But that might have been the point where I told myself that the risk of being a platonic friend is not worth it. I can't keep leaving my door open and hoping things will develop. She's a great person and all and I wish her well, but I just can't play these games.

__________________

 

More than likely she wanted to see if she could still hook you. It's a game and you don't want to play. To her she is getting an ego boost in that she could have you if she wanted but your feelings don't even enter into the equation. Don't worry about it.

[Jake Barnes]

Im not so sure this was game playing. I think maybe she genuinely loved him as a friend and because he was a guy she was willing to see if sexual chemistry would develop over time and when it didn't for her she had to be honest instead of stringing him further

 

Women are different than men. Theyre much more picky and especially the young ones. Men are still generally the pursuers and if they feel anything less than revulsion for a female friend they may try and take a stab and see where it goes form there. Some guys arent like that, but most are and we know that.

 

Attractive young women have guys hitting on them all of the time and so they wait until they feel really strong physical chemsitry before they open up. If you think you're a reasonable looking fellow its because you're looking at things from a guy's perspective, that doesnt mean that you measure up to what a girl is patiently waiting for. And the younger ones usually won't consider a serious effort at a relationship unless they can imagine you in a groom's tuxedo in their fairytale wedding

 

I know about the friendzone though guy, trust me. It hurts I know

[Samari]

Im not so sure this was game playing. I think maybe she genuinely loved him as a friend and because he was a guy she was willing to see if sexual chemistry would develop over time and when it didn't for her she had to be honest instead of stringing him further

 

Women are different than men. Theyre much more picky and especially the young ones. Men are still generally the pursuers and if they feel anything less than revulsion for a female friend they may try and take a stab and see where it goes form there. Some guys arent like that, but most are and we know that.

 

Attractive young women have guys hitting on them all of the time and so they wait until they feel really strong physical chemsitry before they open up. If you think you're a reasonable looking fellow its because you're looking at things from a guy's perspective, that doesnt mean that you measure up to what a girl is patiently waiting for. And the younger ones usually won't consider a serious effort at a relationship unless they can imagine you in a groom's tuxedo in their fairytale wedding

 

I know about the friendzone though guy, trust me. It hurts I know

Yeah but you can't just toy with someone like and and keep pondering and by the time he has a genuine interest in you, you tell him that it can't work out when you could have told him a while back. It shouldn't take that long to decide what you want. It's selfish and it's not taking the other person's feelings into consideration. I don't call that being a friend at all.

[Samari]

More than likely she wanted to see if she could still hook you. It's a game and you don't want to play. To her she is getting an ego boost in that she could have you if she wanted but your feelings don't even enter into the equation. Don't worry about it.

Well that's the strange thing, she's doesn't come off as that kind of person. She's very sincere, has manners, works hard, and is very into her religious "faith". She's not malicious in that kind of sense. Probably one of the nicest people I've ever met in my life. She has a heart for sure. And I'm almost certain she knew at one point that I had some feelings of some sort for her. She wasn't very flirtatious, we just had a good friendship. But yeah I definitely gave the signs...even if they were subtle, they were obvious. But you're right, I'm not going to worry about it anymore.

[Pedigree]

Yeah but you can't just toy with someone like and and keep pondering and by the time he has a genuine interest in you, you tell him that it can't work out when you could have told him a while back. It shouldn't take that long to decide what you want. It's selfish and it's not taking the other person's feelings into consideration. I don't call that being a friend at all.

 

I agree. But that's the way things go. The males can only choose who to go after, the females get to choose who they go with and obviously the females get more power because their choice is the more important. Best thing us guys can do to get some power back is to show that we're not scared of not getting a woman like what dating advice gurus has been suggesting us.

[DdownUnder]

Thanks to all of of you who replied, its good to know that there are others out there that have gone through similar situations...I'm slowly accepting the fact that there is no more that I can do. I haven't had contact with the girl since that night, and I wont be trying to reach her for some time yet. Ultimately however I would like to have her back in my life in the future, better a friend then nothing at all I think.

 

Asriella, thats really good advice. And you're right, who knows what what may happen in the future. The important thing right now is that I move on.

 

From the sounds of the story she waited way too long to tell him. Then again, he should have been a little more firm and basically told her sooner "I need to know, I can't just be in limbo like this". There are plenty of fish in the sea.

 

The funny thing is I did do that, twice. I even think those were the exact words I used! The first time she told me that she was in limbo herself and that it was hard for her too, so I let it go for a while The second time was when we arranged "the day"...

 

I don't think she was playing games or anything like that. She was genuinely torn about how she saw me. Maybe when she looked at it objectively she saw that we were a good fit, but when it came down to it the chemistry just wasn't there

[vanilla87]

I have to post from an older perspective.

 

You guys are so, so young. It seems like a mature situation for two people as young as you.

 

All I can say is this. Your job is to fake being over it. Just fake it. Feelings will eventually follow. The stronger you are, the less weepy you are and the more self-confident you are, the more attention you'll get from women. This is my two cents so please no one murder me.

 

I'm going to go out on a precarious limb here and say, the story may not be over yet. BUT, for it to continue, you have to move on. Allow defenses to build inside of you and become strong.

 

Unfortunately, to some women, there's something to the mystery and the chase. She may have enjoyed the little feelings she had for you and when it comes to reality, it may feel too intimate. It may be something she doesn't really want to feel. She's known you too long.

 

So for now, play it cool. Force yourself to hang out with the guys. Enjoy all of what college has (because it really isn't like this when you leave). Enjoy being around thousands of people your exact same age doing all kinds of fun things, at the peak of their beauty. Get into the girls. Have fun at the parties. Get awesome grades. Let that story continue if and when it's ready.

 

Again...my two sense, but based on 35 times around.

 

 

Very true. I love your advice on here for this post Asriella. Its true, the more you pretend and bury it and see someone else, it will make her think over time about why that girl likes you and what she sees in you and why you even like her, but if she doesn't and seems very happy for you and doesn't fake it one bit, then forget her in that light you see her as, but if she does, then don't give in so easily, wait for her to maybe confess, cause it won't be asap, never is, but when she does, let her speak to you in person or over the phone, cause then you can tell in her voice if she is just looking for "something something" or looking to be with you as more then friends.

 

So for now, focus on whats going on in your life. You say your attractive male, well then you shouldn't have a problem getting a date or being set up on one too.

 

Also go out and mingle with people, you might make new friends, which could lead to other great girls that will recipricate the same feelings to you. So good luck and I hope you end up being happy with someone that makes you happy...