Separated almost 2 years, paralyzed & going crazy

[OGrtMaker]

Hi, I posted on this site a year ago (diff. ID) because at that time I was struggling over whether or not to file divorce. This was a year into the separation, I had started seeing someone new, was ready to file but my estranged H wanted to try again. I got some good advice then and started seeing a counselor to sort through my feelings. Stopped seeing my BF so I could figure out if I really wanted to divorce.

 

Fast forward almost another year and the situation is still the same & I'm about ready to have a nervous breakdown over it. I am still seeing the same counselor but feel like it hasn't helped me to come to any decision. I am still separated from my H. We briefly moved in together for a couple of months (long story) but I moved back out again. During that time we got along well but I just could not let my walls down. I felt/feel like we can be friends but I have no romantic feelings towards him anymore. I do find him attractive but I just cannot go back "there" with him. So much time has passed, there is so much water under the bridge, and I just don't feel I could ever let myself open up to him romantically again and risk being hurt. He was pushing for us to get romantic and I couldn't do it so I moved out. He would try to hold my hand or cuddle up to me on the couch, or try to kiss me, and I just pushed him away. I couldn't do it. I knew if I stayed he would continue to try romantically, so I left. That was 2 months ago.

 

I have told H that I feel like we can't live in this gray area forever. We're going on two years. I feel like neither one of us can really move forward. But H, typical of when we were together, seems to not hear me. He chooses to believe what he wants to believe, that we will eventually get back together, that I just need to let my walls down and then I'll be attracted to him again in that way. I feel that if that was going to happen it would have during those 2 months we lived together.

 

I still love H and I consider him my closest friend, but honestly I don't see ever living as his wife again, sharing the same bed, being intimate, etc. If we could live together platonically and have separate lives I'd be all for it, but he wants more than that so it would never work out. We have two kids together and I wish there was a way to keep our family together, but not have to be romantic with H.

 

I am still paralyzed from taking action, though. I've been online and ready to order divorce forms, hoping we can decide on things together rather than get lawyers and have an expensive divorce that neither of us can afford. But I just can't seem to go through with buying them. And H acts like I never mentioned the word divorce the day after I bring it up.

 

We are not even living in the same city anymore. I see him a few hours each week when he comes to pick up/drop off the kids. We do talk on the phone & I enjoy when we do things together w/ the kids but it's so hard for me because I know he's hurting as much as I am and is just wanting more than I can give.

 

So what do I do? Do some people just stay separated forever? Should I get a legal separation? Force myself to finally file for divorce? I am sick emotionally over this. To add more confusion, I want to resume the relationship with my BF, who respected my decision to break things off to figure out my feelings. This person gave me all the emotional things I never got from H and I miss him. But I feel like I can't move forward with someone else and just stay separated w/ H.

 

I feel like H just wants to stay separated forever in hopes we'll get back together. He tries to act like nothing is wrong, sends me inappropriate cards in the mail, and then gives me hurt looks that I don't respond the way he wants me to. Why am I not strong enough to just file?? What is wrong with me?? If I didn't have my kids I swear I'd go drive off a cliff just to escape this horrible anguish I've felt for the past two years. I feel like I try to be a good person, but I don't like who I am in this situation ~ I pray to God every night for help and forgiveness, for guidance. Please help me, any advice would be appreciated. Has anyone else been separated this long? What do I do? I feel like I'm going crazy.

[SingleDad]

Tough to advise... I am in the position of your H. My STBXW wanted out of our marriage in January - mediated through legal separation which just started this month, though we have been living separately for 3 mos. I am hoping my STBXW will go through the same thoughts you are going through.

 

We have a 2.5yo daughter together. I have learned how much I love my wife through this process. I have also stepped up to the plate to be a great father.

 

Yet I am in anguish over the thoughts of what our daughter will miss out on from a nuclear family - and living a life of being passed back and forth several times a week between our two separate homes.

 

I believe the decision is much harder and even different when children are involved.

 

My best advise I have is to be the best mother you can be... and savor the small precious moments in life... they may give you clarity on what to do.

[Ronni_W]

OGM,

First I'd suggest a new counselor -- if you still feel exactly as you did a year ago, then this therapeutic relationship is just not working for you.

 

If it feels like you must "force" yourself to file for divorce, it's likely not yet the proper time to do that.

BUT you can move forward with every other aspect of your life -- that is just a choice that you must make regardless of when your marriage will legally end.

 

We were separated 3 years before it felt the time to do anything 'legal' about it. Then we spent another 7 years sharing a property. And in the meantime, I also changed careers and got into a most wonderful relationship. Those were just all choices that I made.

 

There are emotional costs, of course. But knowing that I was working towards a happier future (even though, at times, I was confused and filled with serious doubts), kept those 'costs' in perspective, and made what might be considered 'sacrifices' worthwhile.

 

You are done with the marriage. That is okay. Forgive yourself and your ex for all the mistakes and other things that need forgiveness.

Accept that there is no way to keep your family together, in the sense that you posted about. That is okay, too. If you are seeing that as a shortcoming, forgive that too. (Though it is just a fact of life, not a shortcoming.) Your kids have to visit mom and dad in separate homes. Life is what it is...and Life is okay just the way it is.

 

"All Is As It Should Be." Sending Love and Light.

[bayouboi]

Love is a choice.

[TrustInYourself]

Ouch, this post just makes me cringe. Grow a pair. Do what's right by your husband. Stop playing games. This smacks of selfishness and weakness. What are you afraid of?

[OGrtMaker]

Thanks for the replies. Singledad, the concern you have for your child is the main reaon I have gone through the anguish of the past 2 years. It is the hardest part of all of this. Ronni, I think you're probably right I should find a new counselor and I'll look into that. Thank you for your kind words.

 

TrustInYourself ~ I thought your reply was very harsh. If I was being completely selfish I would have filed for divorce immediately when I left 2 years ago, and thought only of myself and not looked back. I am not playing any games here. I have agonized over this situation. I have gone alone to counseling for a year (my H went to ONE session with me). I have read books on rebuilding a marriage. I have been completely honest with H and sincerely tried to work on our marriage and honestly talked to him from my heart. You asked what I am afraid of: I am afraid of "disappearing" again. Since becoming pregnant with our first child I became invisible to H (he said when I got pregnant it changed the way he looked at me, more as a mother role than a wife). Aside from being ignored and taken for granted for years, there were other reasons I left that created a loss of trust and really hurt my self esteem. I don't ever want to feel that way again. I didn't take leaving lightly, and I take divorce even less lightly, and have truly struggled with the decision. It has taken 2 years of separation for H and I to become friends. When I left we were nothing. Yes, I am weak ~ emotionally weak and still hurting over what has become of my marriage, still struggling with the decision to end it once and for all ~ and that is why I came here looking for helpful advice.

[TrustInYourself]

Look, I'm sorry if I'm harsh. My wife and I are friends. The same circumstances occured between myself and my wife. You are lucky to have such a dedicated and loving husband who is willing to wait 2 years for you to make a decision.

 

Are you happy separated? Are you unhappy living with your husband as his wife? The choice should be obvious.

 

Why not give yourself and your husband a chance to find real love? Why are you holding onto something that you feel is completely dead.

 

My wife has thought about living with me again. My wife has tried to be physical with me. I know her feelings are not there. The emotion is gone. The truth is, it may never return.

[SingleDad]

O - Other than words, has H done anything to show he is trying to make the marriage work ? Yes he wants romance - but does he also show his love through what he does for you ?

 

Is H a good father ? Does he spend quality time time with the Kids ? Have you worked out fair custody terms ? Does he provide proper financial support ?

 

If not, then you may need to protect your costody and financial rights through a legal separation...

 

Yet there are things going right for you.

 

You consider him your best friend - and you are attracted to him - two plusses - base requirements.

 

Love is not always constant - marriage is hard - the exciting love from a new relationship is just that (it goes away after a few months). Love evolves into different phases - what you do for each other, etc.

 

Unfortunately, often someone doesn't know what they have until it is taken away. This applies both to you and to your H. What would your life look like if you were divorced ? your children ?

 

Love, trust and respect can be re-built if the base it there - but both spouses need to participate - you may need to reinforce this to him...

[Mr. Lucky]

You are done with the marriage. That is okay. Forgive yourself and your ex for all the mistakes and other things that need forgiveness.

Accept that there is no way to keep your family together, in the sense that you posted about. That is okay, too. If you are seeing that as a shortcoming, forgive that too. (Though it is just a fact of life, not a shortcoming.) Your kids have to visit mom and dad in separate homes. Life is what it is...and Life is okay just the way it is.

To me, this is the best advice you've gotten. Many have tried to hang in there after the feeling is gone - I stayed in my first marriage for 5 years after the time that, in my heart, I knew it was over. It was a waste of my time AND my exW's, kept us both from facing up to the truth and moving on. Sounds like you know what needs to be done so close your eyes, take a deep breath and get on with the next part of your life. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky