How to start from scratch in 12 mo separation ?

[SingleDad]

nm - my own internal morals tell me it is wrong to date others while I am still married - sorry that seems to be a new or actually really old concept - but I plan to stick to it for the time being... It will be good for me to have time to myself anyway.

 

STBXW could make it much harder on my if I make it hard for her.... I work 10 to 20 hours per week more than she does... unplanned client meetings after 5 pm, 12 to 16 saturdays per year... If I do not make re-scheduling easy for her - she will make it impossible toward me and I'll just end up losing days...

 

Better to do things amicably - also may make deposits to love bank.

[Owl]

SD, I do hope this all works out for you!

 

I don't have much advice to offer than I have, but I'll check in when I can on your thread if you'd like.

 

I understand LJ's perspective on things, and respect it...not sure I totally agree tho (a first for us, LJ? ). I see what she's saying about any further action you take could push your wife further away. I think from what I've seen on your thread...I fear that your wife is already so far gone that unless something totally changes the equation, you've already lost her.

 

I really do hope that I'm wrong. I truly hope the best for you, my friend!

[SingleDad]

Clearly, I have lost my STBXW... she moved out, she moved on.

 

But we do communicate...

 

I have come to her aid.

 

On Sat she passed our daughter back to me because she "couldn't get anything done".

 

Today, she called me to take my daughter tonight and Tues night and I already have her Wed and Thurs night... as she needs to work evenings this week.

 

I gratiously acccepted.

 

STBXW has moved on, but she needs me... consciously or unconciously... She moved 4 miles away so that I could be a good father and be convenient to exchange our our daughter...

 

I think my STBXW just needs to be on her own for some time. She thinks of it as freedom and independence... I see it as a time for her to learn about doing chores, dishes, mowing the lawn, shoveling the driveway... and dating - to realize that I was pretty good to her, not like all of the men who will use her.

 

I do not think she was ready to be married and have a child... She expects family and friends to be there to support her and help her with our daughter... really, I will be the only person she can count on... she will learn that.

 

She needs to learn a few lessons first, then we will see if she wants to come back... It will take months or years.

[TrustInYourself]

Clearly, I have lost my STBXW... she moved out, she moved on.

 

But we do communicate...

 

I have come to her aid.

 

On Sat she passed our daughter back to me because she "couldn't get anything done".

 

Today, she called me to take my daughter tonight and Tues night and I already have her Wed and Thurs night... as she needs to work evenings this week.

 

I gratiously acccepted.

 

STBXW has moved on, but she needs me... consciously or unconciously... She moved 4 miles away so that I could be a good father and be convenient to exchange our our daughter...

 

I think my STBXW just needs to be on her own for some time. She thinks of it as freedom and independence... I see it as a time for her to learn about doing chores, dishes, mowing the lawn, shoveling the driveway... and dating - to realize that I was pretty good to her, not like all of the men who will use her.

 

I do not think she was ready to be married and have a child... She expects family and friends to be there to support her and help her with our daughter... really, I will be the only person she can count on... she will learn that.

 

She needs to learn a few lessons first, then we will see if she wants to come back... It will take months or years.

 

Hah, very well said! I think you are on a good path and that you are doing exactly what you need to do to come out happy here. Not just for yourself, but also for your daughter.

 

Stay positive and you'll see changes in the way she communicates with you. You may already be seeing some changes in the way she interacts with you now.

 

Just remember that you can't sacrifice your own self worth, self respect, dignity to win back anyone. It's one thing to be loving and considerate. It's something completely different to be a doormat.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Ok you say she moved away to make you be a good father???

 

That's a croc!!!

 

Stop being so available for her man. She moved out and took your daughter and you just let her. and didnt put up a fight.

 

Why are you so enamored of this woman who has done nothing more than to spit on your marriage and what it stand for and represent?

 

You need to stop being so open to her problems. Let her figure them out for now on. Get your daughter on your own time and focus on that.

 

Sounds to me as if you stilll have feelings after all she's done...

 

You need to let go and look at the situation for what it is. Are you gonna wait years for her to come to her senses? She aint thinking about you, or her child if anything. the only person she cares about is herself. and you love this selfish person? Why?

[SingleDad]

Thanks TIY !!!

 

Chrome - My STBXW left for her own selfish wants - I know that - I understand that - I am angry about that - I hate her for that... But I still love her... Now what ?

 

I can keep all of that hate inside me and explode every time I see her... or I can let it go, accept that I was part of how she feels, understand and forgive what she has done and try to move on - see if there is any hope for us, see if there is any hope that we can coordinate with each other to raise our daughter - separately or together.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Thanks TIY !!!

 

Chrome - My STBXW left for her own selfish wants - I know that - I understand that - I am angry about that - I hate her for that... But I still love her... Now what ?

 

I can keep all of that hate inside me and explode every time I see her... or I can let it go, accept that I was part of how she feels, understand and forgive what she has done and try to move on - see if there is any hope for us, see if there is any hope that we can coordinate with each other to raise our daughter - separately or together.

 

That's the point. Alot of times when a woman leaves she dosent come back. That is what you need to accept. Stop being complacent for her and figure out your wants and needs. it's time to stop being so open for her. love her from a distance but move on with your life. I seen many people in that situation hoping for hope, still holding on.

 

It would be in your best interest to let go and move on.

[SingleDad]

Chrome - do you have a young child that you now have partial custody over - passing your child between you and your Ex several times each week ?

 

It is not so easy to just let go. I am living my life on my own and as a single dad.

 

I long to have a family back.... sorry that I can't just let that go overnight... it will take months and years of adjusting.

[TrustInYourself]

As it should take months and years to adjust, I don't think anyone can fault you for feeling "down".

 

Why are your comments and posts so positive? Yet your reflections of your own situation so bleak!

 

You need to break out of your doldrums, buddy. Go have some fun. Treat yourself for a few days. You deserve some "me" time.

[SingleDad]

It is so much easier to give others hope and inspiration than to give myself hope and strength.

 

My "relationship" with STBXW is not improving - she wants little to do with me. Though I think she is finding herself overwhelmed with work and my daughter - maybe she will realize that it wasn't me who caused her depression. She returned my daughter to me Sat at 3:30pm rather than Sun at 7 am as she "could not get anything done. Also I may have my daughter everynight this week as my STBXW has "to work late".

 

I often feel overwhelmed with my daughter and ever worse without her.

 

I keep myself occupied enough - especially with my time with my daughter.

 

But I do continue to go through spells of sadness and loneliness - like right now... I feel like crying.

 

Guess is is better than the pains of anguish which I felt not more than a month ago.

[SingleDad]

I have learned so much... I wish I had the opportunity to work on my own issues with my STBXW and not just give advice.

 

I have tried to re-open communication... but it seems she has moved toward LC now.

 

She has rejected my offer to attend church or even talk about "us"... I want to see I she will go out to dinner with me and my daughter on Aug 9th - my 40th birthday - yet I am afraid of her answer.

[sharebear823]

SingleDad, sometimes the fruits of our labors take years, or even decades, to manifest themselves.

 

It's so hard in this day and age of "instant gratification" to find people who are willing to put in the real time and effort necessary to see results.

 

I, for one, admire you for giving it, and yourself, time to see if you can work things out with your spouse.

 

The hard work that you are putting in right now, while it may seem to give you little reward and even less support from some folks on this site, is going to pay off for you down the road. It may not be in the form that you wish it to be oro the time frame you want it to be right now.

 

What goes around comes around, and I believe some very good things are heading your way because of the sacrifices you are now making, both for your daughter and your "wayward" spouse.

 

Please keep the faith!

[Ladyjane14]

 

I understand LJ's perspective on things, and respect it...not sure I totally agree tho (a first for us, LJ? ). I see what she's saying about any further action you take could push your wife further away. I think from what I've seen on your thread...I fear that your wife is already so far gone that unless something totally changes the equation, you've already lost her.

 

Oh... my position on this one isn't set in concrete, my friend.

I'm just concerned that SD might have missed his opportunity and could be as one starting from scratch with a new partner.

 

Frankly, if it had been me... I'd have gotten the dirt and "exposed" before separation had gotten too far underway, if not BEFORE my partner had even left the home.

[Ladyjane14]

I I want to see I she will go out to dinner with me and my daughter on Aug 9th - my 40th birthday - yet I am afraid of her answer.

 

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. The worst she can do is say 'no'.

[TrustInYourself]

I have learned so much... I wish I had the opportunity to work on my own issues with my STBXW and not just give advice.

 

I have tried to re-open communication... but it seems she has moved toward LC now.

 

She has rejected my offer to attend church or even talk about "us"... I want to see I she will go out to dinner with me and my daughter on Aug 9th - my 40th birthday - yet I am afraid of her answer.

 

I feel for you, man. Hang in there. As far as trying to rebuild, sometimes it's not up to us. My wife would not even consider my approaches until I was at a point where I could take no for an answer.

 

When I started enjoying life and not taking her decisions and actions as a basis for my own happiness, I started to feel better. I started to realize that I don't need anyone to be a complete person. I stopped hoping that she realized how bad a mistake she had made. I started hoping that she was happy with the decision she made for her life.

 

True love is loving without asking for anything in return. It's hoping and wishing for the best for someone without restraint. It's unconditional. When you are ready to completely let go of your need, and to give your love completely, regardless of the state of your marriage, then you will have the upper hand no matter the consequences.

 

I know how it may feel. But it's not giving up. It's not quitting. It's reaffirming that you are stronger than the situation. It's showing that you deserve to be loved by someone who is your equal. You deserve love from someone who can love you in the same respect as you love your wife. It's acceptance and growth.

 

That is the key. Walking away because you know regardless of the outcome, life will go on and you will be a better person. You've already shown that. Your advice shows that. It's a question if you can live it.

 

Honestly, sometimes I wake up and say, damn this is too hard. I can't do this. But that's part of being human. We are not invincible and infallible. We make mistakes. It's a question of how we get back up and live life after those mistakes.

 

Keep up the hope. Take care!

[TrustInYourself]

Also, if you want to talk games. We can talk games.

 

Your approach isn't working. So what is the exact opposite of your current approach to reconciling with your wife?

 

She has expectations of you and you are living up to them. What is your thoughts on those expectations? How are they serving you and your daughter. What are some of your goals? What do you expect out of this separation? I'm talking specifics.

[SingleDad]

TIY - I'll have to think about your comments.

 

My turnaround is trying to be nice and start from the beginning - starting with last night.

 

My STBXW has put up an Ice wall for months.

 

Last night she wanted to see her daughter who was at my house - I gratiously allowed her to come over. She had a glass of water from the tap (when she drinks only bottled water), she stayed during dinner but declined to have anything for herself, said she felt uncomfortable at my house (she lived there for 5 years until last month), then finally stayed and had a beer on the patio and commented how big my backyard is (like she had never seen it). She barely talked (when she had always carried the conversation). It was akward, but just having her stay and us not argue was a great turning point.

[TrustInYourself]

Thats interesting, but I would not read into too much.

 

Did you go with the full court press or did you just keep things cool and collected?

[SingleDad]

TIY - I am not reading into it at all... In fact, I'm learning how difficult this will be... Her attitude is almost a hatred toward me - like I was the one who cheated on her - like I was the one who wanted a divorce. She is so distant. She is so uncomfortable being around me and at "my house" (we bought the house jointly a year before we were married).

 

I did not do the full court press - I did that during the divorce process and separation negotiation.

 

Now I am taking things cool and collected... giving her space, not pushing, avoiding personal issues, avoiding arguments. Keeping conversation light and letting her know she is welcome over anytime she wants... I have to subtly feel like she can enjoy herself at my house and with me.

 

She is coming over again tonight to see our daughter and I need to continue this approach - make subtle love deposits and not disagree or make love withdrawals.

 

She so so strict with our daughter - our daughter was acting up as it was the first time we were together for more than a couple minutes. In the hour and a half together - my W threatened a "time out" to our daughter on numerous occasions and gave her two time outs. I didn't think our daughter was doing anything any other 2 year old would be doing. But I didn't say anything... In fact, I was suprised how my W was disciplining our daughter at my house - I actually think my W was frustrated that I did not do the disciplining... But I did not want to be making a scene, show frustration, or make a big deal of it.

 

Anyway - have to see how tonight goes... any advice ?

[TrustInYourself]

I have my daughter atm, so my advice is limited.

 

I would just suggest going over my post before and thinking on it.

 

Melt the ice wall by considering how you subconciously or indirectly contribute to the awkward feeling.

[TrustInYourself]

How are you feeling about this evening? Are you good to go? I hope everything goes great for you!!

 

[SingleDad]

STBXW called last night that she would not be coming over - had to work late and early morning start.

 

Thus still on LC. This sucks... I'm crying this morning... Why has my life become this ? Want something I used to have - my family, my wife.

 

So tired...

 

Stuck in limbo land...

 

Don't see my daughter until Sunday...

 

Why ?

[Owl]

Why ?

 

That's the question I've been trying to get you to dig around and answer. Once you know the "why", you can work out the way to fix it.

 

Why do you think she's acting the way that she is?

 

Is there something in her history, something endemic in her personality that's causing her to suddenly become this person she's morphed into? Are there some kind of outside influences (friends, family, etc...) that are leading her down this path?

 

What steps have you taken to find out the "why" behind what she's doing?

[SingleDad]

her answer to Why? is that I'm not the man for her. I could never love her the way she needs to be loved. She couldn't take it anymore and had to move on.

 

My Why ? I will never know. Affair or not - it doesn't matter.

 

I will never be truly happy.

[Owl]

OK...

 

 

 

If you really feel that's the answer to "why?"...

 

Then it leaves you with two options. Two plans of action.

 

1. Become the kind of man she needs.

 

2. Walk away.

 

 

And FWIW...the "I will never be happy"...I get it. I felt very similar when my wife was all set to walk away.

 

But...realistically...we both know better. What you need to do is to stop putting all the responibility for YOUR happiness on HER shoulders. Its not fair to her, and its not fair to you.

 

I get that you're on the down slope of the rollercoaster today. I see that. But I'm gonna be blunt...I'm not one for pity parties.

 

Man up. Start thinking...start planning...start taking ACTION.

 

Sitting here moping because she didn't come over last night is worse than useless.

 

Seriously...I don't remember if you're seeing an IC or not, but you need to. Someone to help you work through the loss you're feeling right now, and to help you get your head on straight and your feet moving forward...whatever direction that happens to be going.