TrustInYourself Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Why would you stake your happiness on someone elses love? That is what we call codependence. Cut those nasty strings. Bathe in your pain and suffering. Accept the truth, things are never going to be the same. You can either... Smile and tell her its over. Go to your lawyer. Sign the divorce papers. Get rid of her so you can move on with your life. or... Suffer and hold onto the hope that slowly guts you. Everytime you talk to her supress your natural human nature to reach out for her and cry when she rebukes your advances. Cry over your loneliness. Cry over your situation. Throw pity parties regularly, since you have no chance of getting over her and no chance of getting with her. or... Recognize the situation for what it is. Use the time to grow and separate yourself from your emotions. Move on for yourself while holding onto hope. Have no fear of divorce. Have no fear of being lonely. Accept that in your natural state, you are completely happy with no one. Forgive and forget her actions, since they are of no consequence to your life unless you let them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 Any other options ? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Any other options ? What other options do YOU see? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 more of a joke - hoping there was a better option available... there isn't Why is it that so many marriages fail because the spouses cannot satisfy each other's emotional needs. Is one spouse expecting too much for their spouse to satisfy their needs ? Are people just to selfish and just focus on their own needs and not their spouse ? How can a person change when they finally learn that their spouse's needs weren't satisfied ? Does it have to be too late ? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 more of a joke - hoping there was a better option available... there isn't Why is it that so many marriages fail because the spouses cannot satisfy each other's emotional needs. Is one spouse expecting too much for their spouse to satisfy their needs ? Are people just to selfish and just focus on their own needs and not their spouse ? How can a person change when they finally learn that their spouse's needs weren't satisfied ? Does it have to be too late ? I ask these silly questions too. Desperation and pain. Hah. The question you should be asking is why ask all these questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Why is it that so many marriages fail because the spouses cannot satisfy each other's emotional needs. Is one spouse expecting too much for their spouse to satisfy their needs ? Are people just to selfish and just focus on their own needs and not their spouse ? How can a person change when they finally learn that their spouse's needs weren't satisfied ? Does it have to be too late ? I think alot of that has to do with modern-day, Hollyweird, notions of what love is supposed to be. Infatuation is NOT real love. But way too many people think it is... and when the hormones dry up, they believe they've "fallen out of love". It's emotional immaturity. ENs are not about having another person MAKE you happy. It's about what you need from being IN a relationship with that person. We're all of us, self-fruitful in the happiness department. But being in a relationship requires compromise. So, you can look at ENs as currency, units of exchange for the "love bank". What you'd be wise to consider today though... is the part about being "self-fruitful" in terms of happiness. It's an attitude that puts you in good stead either way it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 more of a joke - hoping there was a better option available... there isn't Why is it that so many marriages fail because the spouses cannot satisfy each other's emotional needs. Is one spouse expecting too much for their spouse to satisfy their needs ? Are people just to selfish and just focus on their own needs and not their spouse ? How can a person change when they finally learn that their spouse's needs weren't satisfied ? Does it have to be too late ? Sometimes its that they don't know what their spouses emotional needs are. Or they know, but they don't know how to fulfill them. People like this can change to have a much better relationship with others with a little learning and application. Sometimes, they know but they don't care enough TO meet those needs. People like this MAY change when faced with the reality of facing losing their spouse. Or they may remain self-centered and self-focused for the rest of their lives, never WANTING to change. Sometimes, people just refuse to LET their spouse meet their needs. They're looking for a REASON for the marriage to fail. Even if its not a conscious effort. Sometimes, someone is so selfish that there is no way that ANY ONE PERSON can meet their needs. They just will never be happy in a monogamous marriage. The REAL question here is...which of these describes your situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 Sometimes its that they don't know what their spouses emotional needs are. Or they know, but they don't know how to fulfill them. People like this can change to have a much better relationship with others with a little learning and application. ... People like this MAY change when faced with the reality of facing losing their spouse. This is the one - I did not know what her needs were or how to fulfill them... I also did not know how serious of a problem it was - never thought she would divorce me over it. There was also a part of me just before D-day, that I was just so resentful over her need to control our daughter that I gave up trying to please her (for the time being). That was enough to put her over the edge. So here I am today.... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 OK then...so now that you know that... What's your GOAL? Reconciliation, divorce, or maintain the status quo? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 It has always been reconciliation - since day one. Yes I want to stay married... but that is the least likely outcome, currently. Best case scenario as I see it within the 10.5 remaining months: Reconciliation could mean living in two separate households and get together as a family once in a while, enjoy our times together during family times, build a friendship, and see if it moves to start dating each other again. I do not think she would immediately divorce me if I become her closest friend. She really doesn't have any she can count on - well maybe one female friend. I think that is what she really wants in a husband - her best friend. It is just how to get there: 0. stop the LC and get back to having conversations - even if it is limited to our daughter for now. 1. no arguing, no bickering - first and foremost 2. positive conversations 3. Listen to her - I mean really listen 4. get her to be comfortable around me 5. see me as a great father 6. trust me - I have never cheated or lied 7. respect me - I have done everything she has asked and build from there... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 OK...now...you've already started into the next step. SWEET! From goal, you go to plan. You've got a good hit on your plan. One thought tho...on the respect thing. Women want to be respected. But...they also want to be able to respect the man their with. This is going to be a fine line between meeting her needs and being a doormat that she can just walk all over...balance carefully here, young grasshopper! Link to post Share on other sites
Maladjusted Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Hey Owl, can you take a look at my thread and give me some input? Much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Clearly, I have lost my STBXW... she moved out, she moved on. But we do communicate... I have come to her aid. On Sat she passed our daughter back to me because she "couldn't get anything done". Today, she called me to take my daughter tonight and Tues night and I already have her Wed and Thurs night... as she needs to work evenings this week. I gratiously acccepted. STBXW has moved on, but she needs me... consciously or unconciously... She moved 4 miles away so that I could be a good father and be convenient to exchange our our daughter... I think my STBXW just needs to be on her own for some time. She thinks of it as freedom and independence... I see it as a time for her to learn about doing chores, dishes, mowing the lawn, shoveling the driveway... and dating - to realize that I was pretty good to her, not like all of the men who will use her. I do not think she was ready to be married and have a child... She expects family and friends to be there to support her and help her with our daughter... really, I will be the only person she can count on... she will learn that. She needs to learn a few lessons first, then we will see if she wants to come back... It will take months or years. Looks like to me she's just using you while she goes out to have her fun, all the while she's keeping you on the back burner incase things don't work out! Then she has the gall to come to your house and take out her anger and frustration out on your daughter? Like your daughter did this to her? Give up on this woman! For your own sanity! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 I think alot of that has to do with modern-day, Hollyweird, notions of what love is supposed to be. Infatuation is NOT real love. But way too many people think it is... and when the hormones dry up, they believe they've "fallen out of love". It's emotional immaturity. ENs are not about having another person MAKE you happy. It's about what you need from being IN a relationship with that person. We're all of us, self-fruitful in the happiness department. But being in a relationship requires compromise. So, you can look at ENs as currency, units of exchange for the "love bank". What you'd be wise to consider today though... is the part about being "self-fruitful" in terms of happiness. It's an attitude that puts you in good stead either way it goes. Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be. That's just a fact. The reason a lot of marriages worked 50 or 70 years ago? It was just too far to travel the 5, 10, 15, to 20 miles to court. We didn't have the internet, the telephone, cell-phones, computers, cars, yada~yada. People had to do it the old fashion way ~ they had to work at it! They had to work at it! Like Andy Griffent and Hellen Crump. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 I called W last night to ask about daughter's size clothes and organizing them... it became a frustrating conversation.... love bank withdrawals. This morning I left a message on her cell hoping she got a good night sleep as I know she has had a hard time with work. Said take care of yourself. She called me at work offering to come over and help organize daughters' clothes. She called back again on scheduling patenting time.... Then I did it.... I told her that "I understand why you had to move out... we needed a break. We were overwhemled. But I have never stopped loving you. I know I did not show you my love enough when we were married. But We did have love for each other or we wouldn't have gotten married, we wouldn't have had a daughter two years ago. Life is tough - it is hard on relationships. I know my words are not enough. It will take months or years of me demonstrating how I feel about you. But I will do it. You mean that much to me. And if I have to compete with another man for your friendship and show you my love I will do it... A am not willing to give up on us. I love you very much" I know she was crying though this. I know she is torn in her emotions (though she will not express them to me - she has too many months of negative feelings for this one conversation to turn her around.). I got no feed back from her... but she did listen and she was crying. I know that is what she always wanted - she may not feel that way now - but I know that is what her soul wants. I invited her to my 40th b-day dinner with my daughter next weekend. She said she did not want us to get into arguments and ruin it. I said that I want more than anything to spend my 40th with you and my daughter together as a family. I asked her to think about it and let me know. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Bold. You know she cares. Now you know you have the power. You are in control. Don't ruin it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 I know ruining it would be arguing, being demanding, and being clingy. I was being strong and decisive and loving her.... the kind of love she wants deep down in her soul. Though her current thoughts and feelings are clouding her. She was crying because I was showing the love she wants from me - yet is torn by other emotions and years of experience with my not expressing enough love. Step 1 of 10,000 in process Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Yes. You wild man. Are you happy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 Yes - I feel better Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Exactly, cause you have this on lock. You are so money right now. Treasure this feeling. It won't last. It's like a butterfly in a spring field on a beautiful Sunday morning. TREASURE IT FIEND! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 Thanks - TIY... I 've been posting too much today - I need to earn my paycheck. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Lol, it's FRIDAY. Be happy. Enjoy work. I know I am enjoying it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 I had a good weekend. W declined to go to dinner Fri night. But then Sat she came over for 3 hours to help me organize and match my daughter's clothes. We got along fine. She mentioned about trading in smaller clothes at consignment for larger ones. I slipped and said "Well I may need those clothes, I am hoping to have more kids.... with you" Her response was "Well we'll see about that". She also did take the house key back that I offered to her. On the downside, she did dig up/divide some of the perrenials from my yard for her yard. ... It is a long road ahead... Had my daughter on Sun - went to church, mom's to do laundry and naptime, and then went to the town pool and had dinner. Called W so daughter could say goodnight - W said "thank you for calling"... I hate this split life... but I know I will be living it for months and years to come. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 I know it seems like a small thing... but even a month ago, did you think you could spend three hours in one another's company without drama??? Small progress is better than none. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 Yes I like progress - Hope is better than despair. I wish it was not so difficult - but then I was just coasting through marriage before - not knowing How much I needed to put into it... So I'll put in a year of self-sacrifice to show her that I can meet her emotional needs - with nothing in return... then hope we can love each other fully and meet each other's needs. ..long (lonely) road ahead Link to post Share on other sites
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