How to start from scratch in 12 mo separation ?

[SingleDad]

So I mailed a card. Then a bouquet of flowers - she would have gotten last night. Left message this morning. W just called at 12:30 - asked if I called. I said no - W switched a couple of days in September.

 

I called back to say "I did call this morning if that's what you meant".

W said "Yeahhhh".

I said "you probably don't want me to repeat my message".

W said since "you get Labor Day - I'm taking Sept. 2 from you" then complained that I took other days in the past.

 

I said "you can have it - I just get to see so little of my daughter"

W said "Neither do I"

I said "I'm happy to give the day to you. I just want you to be happy. I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy before... But I want to you to be happy now. I know I didn't meet you needs before, but I want to now"

I said "I am not asking you to do anything for me - just let me give to you"

W said "I don't want it"

I said "Are you really happy being a single Mom"

W said "Yes I am...I can make my own decisions - no one telling me what to do, no one controlling me."

 

I do not know what else was said other than she had to go.

 

 

I know I should not have had that conversation - but I had to know... and now I am hurting.... What a great Anniversary - not.

 

Unloved, Unappreciated and no hope for the future... great.

 

How do I do the little things to show my interest in her - when she is so cold and distant ?

[SingleDad]

I keep on going against everything everyone has been telling me (and I was just doing it for today - thinking this is the one day...our anniversary...that I could express my love).

 

I just do not know how to accept the fact that this is my life. I get to see my daughter less than half the time and there is nothing I can do about it.

 

W will not allow me to correct the past and there is no future.

 

I just have to move on alone.

[Owl]

You would have been better off doing it like this:

 

W: Did you call this morning?

SD: Yes, just wanted to see if you got the flowers. Happy Anniversary.

 

W:"you get Labor Day - I'm taking Sept. 2 from you" then complained that I took other days in the past.

SD: Let me look at what I've got planned for those days real quick...<pause>, yes I can rearrange some stuff so that we can swap if that's easier for you.

W: It does.

SD: Cool. Glad to help. Let me know if you need anything else. Have a great day!

 

END

 

Once again...your conversation got wrapped into relationship talk. You steered it that way.

 

And that negated any benefit you would have gotten out of it by working with your wife on the day change deal. She got off the phone thinking about what a jerk you are for continually pushing things.

 

Can you see this?

[Owl]

Why SHOULD your wife give you a chance to fix things?

 

She's seen NO change in behavior on your part to indicate that you're capable of changing. You're still pushing, still disregarding her desire for good communication.

 

There's a REASON you've been getting this same spiel from all of us.

[SingleDad]

I know... I am hurting... I am not thinking logically... I do not know how to communicate properly - to avoid these situations

 

I have been sitting by waiting patiently for so long... hoping for some little changes in her

 

Not seeing improvements - I then instictively jump into relationship talk - to find out how she is thinking.

 

I am an open book to those who know me - I express my feelings, seeking answers.

 

I do not know how to merely sit back and see if miracles happen.

[SingleDad]

I go a week or two with no talk of our relationship, of loving her, of wanting to make things work - then I can't hold back. My feelings are rampid - I just want to express myself... I want to tell her this:

 

 

"All I want is to have some Hope. You have been my best friend, my closest ally for the past 7 years. I know I have not been everything to you - I am so sorry that I was so stubborn and blind to your cries for love, affection and attention. I have changed my life around as well as my priorities - they were all screwed up before

 

I am not expecting that we can live happily ever after... But I am hoping that we can have some family time together - at least be friends and see if anything can come from it... i.e. start from scratch

 

I know all you want is to be loved, someone to listen to you and really hear you, understand you, be warm and affectionate to you. You have come to believe that I am not capable of this. Yet you have seen me be this way with Brooke. I am an affectionate, loving and great father to Brooke. I can be this way to you if you just let me... I am not asking for anything in return... just let me make it up to you... Yet I cannot if you do not let me in

 

 

But I know I shouldn't - I would just push her away. But I do not know how I can just sit by waiting for the divorce to be filed in 10 months

 

Owl - I think I am hopeless at this... I do not think I can be fixed and I do not think my relationship can be fixed... If my W were moving forward, even little steps, I would not feel as lost and out of control.

[Owl]

This is why you're getting so many people telling you to slow down, calm down, and get your feet under you FIRST, before you start talking anymore about the future with your wife.

 

You come across as very needy, clingy, and weak.

 

Do you think that's in anyway like to attract your wife back?

 

Take a few days to stop, relax for a few, get your gameplan together, and MAN UP.

 

You have 10 months to work this...it doesn't have to be fixed tomorrow. Stop pushing like it has to be.

 

This is a MARATHON...not a SPRINT.

 

Again...start hitting the gym...start taking some time to take care of YOURSELF. Start realizing that your life WILL go on without your wife, if that happens.

 

When you stop bargaining from a NEED (and therefore NEEDY) position, and start bargaining from a WANT (and not needy) position, you'll be FAR more effective.

 

Right now, you're not getting anywhere. She can hold whatever she wants over you, make you do anything she desires, because you're begging for crumbs from her. STOP THAT.

 

MAN UP...

 

Its far more attractive. THAT will get you to where you need to be...and might even get you what you want...FAR faster than anything else will.

[SingleDad]

I do that... I work on myself and my gameplan for weeks at a time... and stay in control of my emotions.

 

But then something sets me off. Wanting answers. Wanting to know that things are improving. Wanting some feedback from her.

 

In a way it is natural - who else would your normally go to to express your feelings and emotions than your spouse ?

 

This waiting game is just killing me. W always wanted me to express my emotions... Now that I can't hold them back W doesn't want to hear them.

 

I do not know how I can do this much longer. The D Bomb came in Jan. Separation in June. and I have been trying to do everything to save it the whole time (maybe the wrong way mosat of that time).

[Owl]

That's why I'm telling you to take a break for a few...back off for a bit.

 

"Take a vacation" from trying to rebuild for a week.

 

Then go back to it once you've got some solid foundation under you again.

 

I think you're trying sooo hard, you're making yourself into your own worst enemy when it comes to reconciliation.

 

Stop trying so hard...that's a large part of what's driving her away. Again...that's my GUESS...but its an educated one.

[SingleDad]

You are right... today is our 4th Anniversary... I wasn't expecting anything positive from her... But I certainly wasn't expecting her to tell me she is happy being a single mom and other signs that she is further away.

 

It was a setback day, when I was hoping it would be at least neutral to positive

[Owl]

Why not take the weekend to go fishing or camping or something completely away from anything to do with your wife and the whole situation?

[SingleDad]

I have my daughter over the weekend - so I will be fine.

 

The whole last week of August though my W has my daughter and that will be a tough week.

[badbrit]

SD you are screwing this constantly. You really are, you think you need to tell her you love her and show her that and I ask how many times you are going to bang your head against the brick wall before you realise it is not working. She knows you love her etc, you have told her and it does nothing.

 

She said something interesting, she said she was happy as there is no one trying to control her and believe it or not, you proved her point. You are telling her you love her and want to meet her needs is exactly that, trying to control her. She does not want your family together and you do and you are trying to impose yourself on her and control her through your love. You are showing that you just do not listen to her, not at all.

 

She says she wants to be left alone and you ask if she is happy being alone, again total control and manipulation (or rather a bad attempt at it)

 

Why the hell did you send the flowers in the first place. LEAVE IT ALONE. You are annoying her, not respecting her, trying to manipulate her, control her, not accepting things, being weak, not working on yourself.

 

Give me one, just one solid reason for doing that. Do not give me that twaddle about it was anniversary and it was right thing to do because you still married or that you could not ignore it as that would show you did not love her etc.

 

Your fear is killing your chances. You said something about if you accept it then it is lost. Wrong, totally wrong. It is called a strategic pull back.

 

Do you know the story of the trojan horse? That is the most fitting example I can think of here.

 

Go get lovetactics NOW. I do not care how, it is only $10 on amazon, next day delivery. Read it once, twice, three times and understand what it is saying. In the meantime say nothing to her, do nothing, just be cool and exchange your child with kindness. I assure you that if you read it you will kick yourself and vow to do better.

 

This from Owl is sweet perfection, it would not her to think "oh my god, I must run back to him", but it would have surprised her and planted the first very small seed that you can change, understand her, be a grown up, communicate properly and not be such a drama queen. One seed needs planting then keep watering it a drop at a time without making a single mistake. If it still does not reconcille it never would have BUT there is no doubt at all that you will have given it the best chance

 

You would have been better off doing it like this:

 

W: Did you call this morning?

SD: Yes, just wanted to see if you got the flowers. Happy Anniversary.

 

W:"you get Labor Day - I'm taking Sept. 2 from you" then complained that I took other days in the past.

SD: Let me look at what I've got planned for those days real quick...<pause>, yes I can rearrange some stuff so that we can swap if that's easier for you.

W: It does.

SD: Cool. Glad to help. Let me know if you need anything else. Have a great day!

 

END

 

[SingleDad]

I do leave things alone for weeks at a time with minimal contact except to talk to my daughter.

 

I really do not think any approach will work at this point... I am getting sick of thinking about it.

 

I think by posting as much as I do - I am building hope inside myself and thinking too much about it - when in reality it does nothing.

[TrustInYourself]

Hello.

 

I can see the advantage and strength of the varying advice here. Great stuff. I'm going to eat my candybar. Bye!

 

lol!

[SingleDad]

TIY - Thanks for all of your input - that is wonderful advice... I think I will go have a candybar too !!!

[TrustInYourself]

I just used some of the advice presented in this thread on you. You feel warm to me. Hence, I am the man. Enjoy that candybar.

[badbrit]

I do leave things alone for weeks at a time with minimal contact except to talk to my daughter.

 

I really do not think any approach will work at this point... I am getting sick of thinking about it.

 

I think by posting as much as I do - I am building hope inside myself and thinking too much about it - when in reality it does nothing.

 

 

Uhm, no you do not go weeks at a time, stop lying to yourself. She only moved out at end of June. I am not sure of contact from that to 14th July but just two weeks later this is your actions -

 

14th july you rowed and had conflict about some clothing, lack of knowledge of where she lived and her asking you to help with the car, you in turn threatened legal action.

 

16th July -you wanted to go to marriage builders weekend, she refused, that night you talked about loving her, must have had good things to have got married and had child together etc

 

18th July - you vowed to have a month of NC

 

20th July - You called to say goodnight to your daughter and went round to her house without an invite, NC lasted two days

 

21st July - you send a good email, apologising, which she accepted and asked you to be civil and respect each other privacy.

 

24th July - You called her on her cell to tell her you love and miss her, want to start from scratch, woo her, and will not mind competing with a bf. Same day you post a solid list of what not to do, stuff you had been doing, so lets see if you actually learnt from it.

 

25th July - you state it had mostly been NC from her moving out to yesterday. Hmm, interesting take on NC.

 

But here we go, interesting. From 24th July you appear to not do anything stupid and then on the 29th July, she asks to come over to spend time with your daughter and I see positive interactions

 

31st July - she makes civil call about daughters clothing and you admit it was a frustrating convo. Not sure what happened but you clearly did not just "be" and continue to be cool.

 

1st August - You tell her you understand why she moved out but you love her and then try loads of emotional manipulation and justify it as giving her the love she wants. Hmmm, if it is the love she wants, why is she not responding to it??

 

3rd August - she declined going out on the friday night but came over on the Saturday for a few hours and you say you want more kids...with her. But it is not too bad, you appear to have kept your cool and emotions in check and although I suspect annoyed her, did not scare her off totally and she was warm enough later and the next day and she talks about potty training another day later. You put no pressure on and had relaxed communication.

 

7th August - she agreed to come to dinner for your B day as long as you did not say you loved her and put pressure on her to return. Mighty interesting that do you not think? She is relaxed when you cut that out but clearly is still bothered that you are prone to do it again so makes it clear that it is not welcome.

 

8th August - She had a little flip out about you not listening, i am guessing you were not murmouring agreement when she was talking and playing the silence to suggest you were listening (never works, need to do subtle noises and comments to show you understand and listen) but then uh oh she asks about how daughter is sleeping and you say in your bed. Argument ensures which I assure you she was right about and even if she wasnt, you should have shut up, listened and asked her why she felt that way instead of being an ass. ** need to point out here loads think this is sacrificing yourself to just agree and it should be two way. Well guess what, YOU are the one wanting to reconcille, not her, so onus is on you right now and if you cannot accept that, WALK AWAY. She does not want to fix it so has not got to do anything two way.

 

9th August - you are not happy that TIY is getting success while you are not and say that it must be because your situation is more dire. Uhm, read all the above and ask yourself WHY it is more dire.

 

13th August - you call to switch kids days then she asks if there is anything else and you say, "yeah I love you....etc" Same day you acknowledge that saying "I love you" makes it worse

 

16th August - you send anniversary card, trust me, this is still sending the same weak message as "I love you". Same day in reply to TIY you say you do not argue or ask personal questions. Hmm, this is just over a week since last argument.

 

20th August - you say and I quote - "I am in no way stalking my wife, I am not begging her to come home, I am not calling repeatedly, I am not making unannounced visits........I did tell her yesterday that "I am doing everything I can to improve my self, to be the best father I can be, and hopefully if you let me be a much better husband to you than I was before". Her only response was "why couldn't you do that while we were married". That was only the second time I had talked about our relationship in the 2 months that we have been separated."

You really cannot see the difference can you. You have not directly spoken about the relationship (in your eyes) but have done exactly that indirectly. You say you are not begging her to come back but then in the same post are saying stuff to solict exactly that. True you are not outright begging as in saying "please please please, I beg you." But saying you want to be a better husband, what exactly do you think that is about if not doing the same thing except it is not as direct but still obviously trying for the same objective.

 

Today - anniversary and you send gifts and pour out your heart and love again and in a real twisted and deluded way say you think the rules did not count today so you went overboard with the love and wanted another chance etc. You say that it may be against the rules, but hey it is the anniversary so it was ok. Stop it stop it stop it PLEASE. What will it take for you to learn? Really, what will it take??? You are getting no results so why would the anniversay day have been different? It is no different, she did not wake up feeling different, the situation is no different, her emotions are no different. I am actually now very annoyed.

 

In last couple days you have said stuff about this being too far along in the process, her mindset being set etc etc and I am going to be VERY honest. Read this above and realise that YOU ARE PERPETUATING THIS 100%. You are pushing her away.

 

I started this off to show that your comment of leaving things alone for a few weeks was actually very incorrect but it shows so much more. I have spent a lot of time on this so please read it, read it all. I am at the point of giving up on you here, this is so annoying now because it is all happening because of your mistakes in my eyes.

 

You may get a right mood on now, but I am trying to help you as you see things in a very skewered way and if you chill out and read all of this you will maybe realise that. No wonder your ex does not want to know, unless you REALLY change she never will either.

[TrustInYourself]

Advice is worthless unless it's implemented and accepted. I've pretty much concluded that SD is on a collision course with his fate. He just needs support until the conclusion.

 

Sure, he could win back his wife. But at what cost? He would lose himself.

 

I think some people are capable of implementing change better than others.

[badbrit]

Fair enough TIY

 

I am hoping that my last post may make him see how at the very least he is reducing his chances massively.

 

I think that this could be salvaged and rescued but do doubt SD is capable of doing it.

 

I hope he does, I really do. I am all for families being together.

 

On the other hand it gives me a glimmer of hope in my own situation because I at least can do the right actions consistantly. If it does not work out then so be it but at least it will not be because I screwed up. Correction I screwed up and that is why she fell out of love, lost desire for us and dumped me, but at least at the final stage I did not screw it up.

 

I read and you hear so often about how second chances do not work, they are rare, people do not reconcille, move on etc and I believe that they are rare because people (the one always wanting to reconcille) rarely do the right actions consistantly. This thead may be a perfect example. SD will be chalked up to another one not succeeding and will then have the belief that this things cannot be fixed and be one more person adding to that belief whereas i would put an asterisk next to this one. Not work out * because the wrong actions were used.

 

My situation to be honest with you does have little chance of sorting. Five + year of history, very in love, ups and down, child together, my doing it all wrong - needy, not meeting needs, selfish, not listen, not affectionate and loving unconditionally, her love just being chipped away and lost faith and as it happened I just made it worse and chipped it away more and more until eventually she did the dumping as the love bank was running on empty. Five months later I spent first four months being inconsistant, kinda like SD but not as bad. Never outright tried to fix it but would argue, be nice, then argue again, cause conflict, not listen, cause problems, send an apology email or text, say I was sorry, loved her and my son and always will from afar etc. I dated someone else as rebound (initially to make her jealous) for three months, ended this week as I realised it was wrong, I still love ex and was not creating a situation for her to return to and if I was keeping someone else in reserve was not truly believing in it to manifest it (Law of Attraction)

 

She had a rebound thing with a married man and never showed any regret or interest in me. Appears she had emotionally flipped the switch.

 

I eventually realised what a fool I was and apologised, took a two week time out, did not even see our son then reinstigated contact for him. Now I am Mr Chilled, laid back, positive, believer, trying, allowing, accepting and just patiently being "me" and a new improved me which I assure you is very real. Getting on with life, enjoying myself and just believing that it will come right in the end.

 

She is now dating someone else now which I accept, I just will be me and believe that our true bond is stronger and just consistantly be me and let her feel and see the new me.

 

Due to a situation we have spent time together over last two weeks, in my new home for a few hours a time with my son. I am just cool, chit chatty and friendly and she is the same back. We get on well. It does not mean anything right now but I like to believe that the patient man eventually gets the reward. Consistant, error free, working on me. Only improvement has been warmer and friendly interactions, no stress, nothing for her to run from, relaxing with each other, a definate thaw which is a start but still no romantic interest.

 

Love Tactics, which I believe in say that you just keep on the path and even if no noticeable gains are being made you should not be deterred, just carry on and on and eventually there will be gains. I like the Trojan Horse story. I have thrown down my weapons and she in turn although not wanting anything to change has at least lowered her defences to at least have a chance of who i am and offer to penetrate, it could not do that while she was fighting so hard against it.

 

None of what I am doing is at a sacrifice to myself as I believe, am heavily into LOA now, am just "being" and have never been this relaxed or serene in my whole life.

 

Will it work? Who knows, I hope so and like to think so. I am the tortoise and can happily live my life believing. Right now I believe there is still no interest or desire. It is done and totally done. However I do believe that if I meet the needs naturally, enjoy myself doing it, keep improving myself, show a different side that it can lead somewhere.

 

I do believe strongly that I understand why she lost interest and respect that, I think she did the right thing for herself and our son and for me. It had stopped working. Only this experience has made me the man capable of making my family happy. Whether it is too far gone for that to be possible as she may not ever be able to feel enough to be happy with me again. However, if she does have that capacity inside her, I strongly also feel that an ending of us reunited would be the best alternative for everyone but like I say, only if she would one day want it again.

 

I say this as no one before has heard my story here and I hope that SD can take something from it. You need a relaxed attitude, work on yourself (which I do everyday, I use LOA as my guide), live your own life (I am a boxer, I own a business, I have my kids, my friends, I go out, I stay in, I date casually now) whilst still believing and just consistantly do the right actions without it consuming you or putting your life on hold and let it become natural and when the time is right it may happen and one thing is for sure is that you are giving it the best chance AND even if it does not work out (a thought I try to push away through Law of Attraction exercises) you will be in a better place anyway.

[TrustInYourself]

Interesting post, thanks for sharing.

 

Some things are out of your control. Even through perfection of self.

 

Your tactics are correct and valid, but the major problem with implementing tactics, is the fact that sometimes your mindset doesn't always mirror your actions.

 

At times I'm pressing the limits of where I am mentally through the actions that I take. I've enjoyed success but at the cost of knowing that I am playing to human nature.

 

That's difficult. It takes the mystery and fire out of romance. I'm not boasting when I say, I can easily get into the hearts and minds of women from my studies. That's depressing to me.

[SingleDad]

Stop it stop it stop it PLEASE. What will it take for you to learn? Really, what will it take??? You are getting no results so why would the anniversay day have been different? It is no different, she did not wake up feeling different, the situation is no different, her emotions are no different. I am actually now very annoyed.

 

In last couple days you have said stuff about this being too far along in the process, her mindset being set etc etc and I am going to be VERY honest. Read this above and realise that YOU ARE PERPETUATING THIS 100%. You are pushing her away.

 

I started this off to show that your comment of leaving things alone for a few weeks was actually very incorrect but it shows so much more. I have spent a lot of time on this so please read it, read it all. I am at the point of giving up on you here, this is so annoying now because it is all happening because of your mistakes in my eyes.

 

You may get a right mood on now, but I am trying to help you as you see things in a very skewered way and if you chill out and read all of this you will maybe realise that. No wonder your ex does not want to know, unless you REALLY change she never will either.

 

badbrit - I am getting your point. I am done with trying to show my wife my love - done with trying to win her back.. The anniversary stuff was obviously a failure. I feel like crap.

 

I plan to call only to talk with my daughter and say goodnight.

 

I am at the point of writing off my marriage and just being civil... doing anything else is just destroying me.

[SingleDad]

Fair enough TIY

 

I am hoping that my last post may make him see how at the very least he is reducing his chances massively.

 

I think that this could be salvaged and rescued but do doubt SD is capable of doing it.

 

I hope he does, I really do. I am all for families being together.

 

On the other hand it gives me a glimmer of hope in my own situation because I at least can do the right actions consistantly. If it does not work out then so be it but at least it will not be because I screwed up. Correction I screwed up and that is why she fell out of love, lost desire for us and dumped me, but at least at the final stage I did not screw it up.

 

I read and you hear so often about how second chances do not work, they are rare, people do not reconcille, move on etc and I believe that they are rare because people (the one always wanting to reconcille) rarely do the right actions consistantly. This thead may be a perfect example. SD will be chalked up to another one not succeeding and will then have the belief that this things cannot be fixed and be one more person adding to that belief whereas i would put an asterisk next to this one. Not work out * because the wrong actions were used.

 

My situation to be honest with you does have little chance of sorting. Five + year of history, very in love, ups and down, child together, my doing it all wrong - needy, not meeting needs, selfish, not listen, not affectionate and loving unconditionally, her love just being chipped away and lost faith and as it happened I just made it worse and chipped it away more and more until eventually she did the dumping as the love bank was running on empty. Five months later I spent first four months being inconsistant, kinda like SD but not as bad. Never outright tried to fix it but would argue, be nice, then argue again, cause conflict, not listen, cause problems, send an apology email or text, say I was sorry, loved her and my son and always will from afar etc. I dated someone else as rebound (initially to make her jealous) for three months, ended this week as I realised it was wrong, I still love ex and was not creating a situation for her to return to and if I was keeping someone else in reserve was not truly believing in it to manifest it (Law of Attraction)

 

She had a rebound thing with a married man and never showed any regret or interest in me. Appears she had emotionally flipped the switch.

 

I eventually realised what a fool I was and apologised, took a two week time out, did not even see our son then reinstigated contact for him. Now I am Mr Chilled, laid back, positive, believer, trying, allowing, accepting and just patiently being "me" and a new improved me which I assure you is very real. Getting on with life, enjoying myself and just believing that it will come right in the end.

 

She is now dating someone else now which I accept, I just will be me and believe that our true bond is stronger and just consistantly be me and let her feel and see the new me.

 

Due to a situation we have spent time together over last two weeks, in my new home for a few hours a time with my son. I am just cool, chit chatty and friendly and she is the same back. We get on well. It does not mean anything right now but I like to believe that the patient man eventually gets the reward. Consistant, error free, working on me. Only improvement has been warmer and friendly interactions, no stress, nothing for her to run from, relaxing with each other, a definate thaw which is a start but still no romantic interest.

 

Love Tactics, which I believe in say that you just keep on the path and even if no noticeable gains are being made you should not be deterred, just carry on and on and eventually there will be gains. I like the Trojan Horse story. I have thrown down my weapons and she in turn although not wanting anything to change has at least lowered her defences to at least have a chance of who i am and offer to penetrate, it could not do that while she was fighting so hard against it.

 

None of what I am doing is at a sacrifice to myself as I believe, am heavily into LOA now, am just "being" and have never been this relaxed or serene in my whole life.

 

Will it work? Who knows, I hope so and like to think so. I am the tortoise and can happily live my life believing. Right now I believe there is still no interest or desire. It is done and totally done. However I do believe that if I meet the needs naturally, enjoy myself doing it, keep improving myself, show a different side that it can lead somewhere.

 

I do believe strongly that I understand why she lost interest and respect that, I think she did the right thing for herself and our son and for me. It had stopped working. Only this experience has made me the man capable of making my family happy. Whether it is too far gone for that to be possible as she may not ever be able to feel enough to be happy with me again. However, if she does have that capacity inside her, I strongly also feel that an ending of us reunited would be the best alternative for everyone but like I say, only if she would one day want it again.

 

I say this as no one before has heard my story here and I hope that SD can take something from it. You need a relaxed attitude, work on yourself (which I do everyday, I use LOA as my guide), live your own life (I am a boxer, I own a business, I have my kids, my friends, I go out, I stay in, I date casually now) whilst still believing and just consistantly do the right actions without it consuming you or putting your life on hold and let it become natural and when the time is right it may happen and one thing is for sure is that you are giving it the best chance AND even if it does not work out (a thought I try to push away through Law of Attraction exercises) you will be in a better place anyway.

 

Badbrit - just as it took you 4 months to come to grips with your situation and had the wrong interactions - So did I. If W left because she thought I didn't love her - I was deluded that If I showed her my undying love, over time she would see that my love endures for her.

 

But I am learning that my approach is not working and just hurting myself further. At this point and with the person she has become (because of me) - I would not want to be with her anyway - cold distant and angry.

 

I have to live my own life and learn not to think of her - and just have friendly interactions when we do talk about our daughter.

 

I also need to post less often - it just makes me think more about my situation.

[SingleDad]

BadBrit - I do appreciate your story as the situation with your W seems exactly like mine... and Yes I was trying harder to save the marraige and making worse mistakes than you... I need to learn from you and your insight - to act the way you do...

 

Instead, I have been fighting it... thinking I have to be proactive to win her back - not working.

 

But now I am in the mindset of letting it go - it is over - and just letting things happen as they will. Just be friendly and civil and listening to her... I do not have the energy anymore for anything else.

[pelicanpreacher]

SD, you may not realize it but you are finally on the road to true healing and the restoration of your being and self esteem. When you started this thread the one goal you aspired for that actually made any sense was your wish to start from scratch. Scratch, however, is the starting point BEFORE you met your wife such that when you see her from that perspective you're seeing her anew! As you continue your road to recovery you must pass through the land of indifference and, while doing so, shed the scales that have blinded your eyes, the fears and insecurities that have constrained your spirit, and behaviors, as well as resentments, that manifested your negativity so that you don't emerge from this experience unduly hardened, bitter or confused. When your metamorphisis has been completed hopefully you'll admire the man you strive to be and, through the inner discipline you've acquired to endure these trials and tribulations, come to appreciate and respect the man you're destined to become. Along your travels, however, don't forget to invest some time and energy into expanding your horizons and enjoying life for "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy"!

 

Minimizing your repulsive forces while maximizing your attractive ones will re-galvanize the strength of your gravitational being and draw those you want to share your love with into the orbit of your life without guile, force of will, or manipulation. They will come and stay because they want to be there in much the same way quoted by an Iowa corn farmer named Ray Kinsella in the movie "Field of Dreams"....If you build it they will come!

 

Happy trails and Good Luck!