How to start from scratch in 12 mo separation ?

[SingleDad]

Well - I guess it's good I still have over 9 months, because it took me a long time to get to the "Land of Indifference". I have even thought about expediting this divorce, by filing it myself and agreeing to fault - in order to get over the pain and torment from my W's firing back at my love attempts. No desire or incentive to try to win my W back..

 

I am mentally and physically exhausted - and broke.

 

W has D2 all week... I guess I have to try to use that time wisely and re-group with myself and find strength and desire to Get A Life on my own. I have to find a way for these days to not seem like months.

[pelicanpreacher]

SD, you've got plenty of time to act on the administrative tasks of filing for divorce. I know that, mentally and emotionally, that act carries its own significance but I'd caution you to hold off on that action until you can approach it from a truely indifferent and emotionally neutral frame of mind. This way you will have no more future regrets than you would by cleaning out your closets! When you arrive at this point then you'll know so there's no way to rush the process of your own healing.

 

As for how you use this time alone, try some lowcost outdoor activities that you probably haven't done for a while or have never done before like horseback riding or jet skiing! Anything that requires complete concentration and evokes a sense of thrill and fun. Engage yourself until you are physically exhausted so that sleep comes readily and your appetite improves. Wash, rinse, and repeat until your doldrums fade into obscurity.

 

Wear a rubber band on your wrist so that you can snap yourself every time you begin thinking vengeful or manipulative thoughts. Remember that part of this process requires you to shed negative impulses that make you unattractive.

 

Let happiness be a state of mind that you control so that it cannot be controlled by others or the circumstances you're in!

[TrustInYourself]

Well - I guess it's good I still have over 9 months, because it took me a long time to get to the "Land of Indifference". I have even thought about expediting this divorce, by filing it myself and agreeing to fault - in order to get over the pain and torment from my W's firing back at my love attempts. No desire or incentive to try to win my W back..

 

I am mentally and physically exhausted - and broke.

 

W has D2 all week... I guess I have to try to use that time wisely and re-group with myself and find strength and desire to Get A Life on my own. I have to find a way for these days to not seem like months.

 

Impressive. Give it some time. Time is on your side. Best wishes.

[SingleDad]

I won't file for D - I can't - it's wrong from my perspective.

 

I have learned I can't press her to reconcile anymore - no more love talk.

 

I need to learn to stand on my own - I think I am going to the bookstore after work to do some reading.

 

I am questioning whether or not I should take off my wedding ring ? It helps me mentally to tell myself not to date - but maybe it also gives me false hope. W took hers off in January.

[TrustInYourself]

I won't file for D - I can't - it's wrong from my perspective.

 

I have learned I can't press her to reconcile anymore - no more love talk.

 

I need to learn to stand on my own - I think I am going to the bookstore after work to do some reading.

 

I am questioning whether or not I should take off my wedding ring ? It helps me mentally to tell myself not to date - but maybe it also gives me false hope. W took hers off in January.

 

Continue moving towards independence. Taking off the ring helped me focus on myself.

[Billy Bob]

I am questioning whether or not I should take off my wedding ring ? It helps me mentally to tell myself not to date - but maybe it also gives me false hope. W took hers off in January.

 

Pretty soon after your acceptance of the situation sinks in.. you will start to appreciate that your life hasn't ended, just taken on a new chapter. You will probably learn to enjoy your independance, enjoy being single, rediscover yourself...and if desired find a new love of your life.

 

Your (stbx)wife took her ring off last January... Take your ring off, you're holding on to a dream that only you share. This is the first day of the rest of your life!

[pelicanpreacher]

I won't file for D - I can't - it's wrong from my perspective.

 

I have learned I can't press her to reconcile anymore - no more love talk.

 

I need to learn to stand on my own - I think I am going to the bookstore after work to do some reading.

 

I am questioning whether or not I should take off my wedding ring ? It helps me mentally to tell myself not to date - but maybe it also gives me false hope. W took hers off in January.

 

Now you are beginning to move in the right direction SD. I'd go a bit farther by systemtically removing all vestiges of her presence from your home and other aspects of life as well. This difficult step is guaranteed to cause you angst but, once you survive the pain of conquering the remaining challenges of shedding the negative trappings of the past, your inner fortitude grows stronger. Though your road through the land of indifference be twisted, dark, confusing, and painful at times you must remind yourself that your ultimate goal is to restore yourself to the man you once were before you ever met your wife. Sort of like remembering that your job is to drain the swamp even when you're up to your azz in alligators. (Remember to snap the rubberband around your wrist anytime you start dwelling on your wife or the life you used to have with her)

 

Take time every morning to meditate on your future by concentrating on all its newfound freedoms and opportunities! Make time every evening to plan and schedule the different activities you'd find enjoyable, relaxing, and rewarding to do when you're on your own. Also, plan playdates and activities for your daughter on the days you have her so that this transition in her life becomes less stressful or traumatic. We are not promised tomorrow so don't waste time or thought on issues outside of your control or influence. GET BUSY LIVING BECAUSE DYING IS NOT AN OPTION!

 

Let these thoughts be your driving force so that if ever you falter or despair in your will to move forward you'll remind yourself that there will come a day that you can look happily into the mirror and say "I made it on my own without her" and be inspired by your accomplishments and the happiness that awaits you when you finally fully emerge from the other side the man you strive to be.

[TrustInYourself]

What's going on in this situation here, SD. Are we getting bold and taking control of life or are we still blaming the wife and making excuses?

 

Btw, did you do my homework? You better get on it. God, I'm demanding!

[SingleDad]

Oh Another day...

 

TIY - Yes I am taking control of my life... I am not blaming W... In fact I think a lot of good learning experiences have come out of this... I am no longer going through life on auto-pilot, I am a much better father, (and would be a much better husband if given the opportunity).

 

Yesterday - went to pre-garage sale and picked up more clothes for D. Doing a lot of that this summer to save money over next few years. D wears 3T, I have lots of 4t and 5 (including tons of name brands like Gymboree, Carter, Gap), now focusing on 6 and up... washing everything and putting in bins for each size all the way up to 10-12. Is that crazy ? Just thinking if I can buy clothes for 50 cents or $1 each, instead of $15-$20 each I will save a ton of money... Spent about $500 this summer - at 10 cents to a dollar - maybe $5,000 or more worth of clothes and toys this summer if retail.

Didn't get home until 8 pm - and missed my daily call to D. Mom brought over Pizza and wings and we watched Obama.

 

Cried in shower this morning over not seeing D.

 

Lots to do this weekend - mow, change car oil, tar driveway, groceries, church, mom's to do laundry (W took washer and dryer), pay bills, organize D's clothes and paperwork. Should be good distraction.

[Owl]

Sounds AWESOME, SD.

 

Don't forget to include some "SD time" in there someplace as well. Take a few hours to do something FUN for yourself...whatever it is you enjoy doing. You deserve it.

[pelicanpreacher]

Oh Another day...

 

TIY - Yes I am taking control of my life... I am not blaming W... In fact I think a lot of good learning experiences have come out of this... I am no longer going through life on auto-pilot, I am a much better father, (and would be a much better husband if given the opportunity).

 

Yesterday - went to pre-garage sale and picked up more clothes for D. Doing a lot of that this summer to save money over next few years. D wears 3T, I have lots of 4t and 5 (including tons of name brands like Gymboree, Carter, Gap), now focusing on 6 and up... washing everything and putting in bins for each size all the way up to 10-12. Is that crazy ? Just thinking if I can buy clothes for 50 cents or $1 each, instead of $15-$20 each I will save a ton of money... Spent about $500 this summer - at 10 cents to a dollar - maybe $5,000 or more worth of clothes and toys this summer if retail.

Didn't get home until 8 pm - and missed my daily call to D. Mom brought over Pizza and wings and we watched Obama.

 

Cried in shower this morning over not seeing D.

 

Lots to do this weekend - mow, change car oil, tar driveway, groceries, church, mom's to do laundry (W took washer and dryer), pay bills, organize D's clothes and paperwork. Should be good distraction.

 

You're doing well SD..very well indeed! Yes, you will have your moments of melancholy but, at least now those moments are focused on the absence of your daughter's constant presence in your life.

 

I'd still like to hear about your exploits on expanding your horizons. Remember, this journey must also include self-growth by the expansion of your being. If, for whatever reason, you omit this critical step in your evolution you will miss out on the joys of life gifted from the banquet spread out before you and deny yourself the fully actualized man you could become!

[SingleDad]

preacher - I am working on it... gees, one step at a time - this is an evolutionary process, not an overnight transformation.

 

I've noticed you are so elequent - do you write for Hallmark ? Book reviews ?

[TrustInYourself]

One step at a time is the way any profound and expansive journey is undertaken.

 

You'll find the steps come more easily as you put more and more behind you.

[SingleDad]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrustInYourself

How do you fix something when it has nothing to do with you?

 

How do you ask someone to change their perception and force themselves to be happy with the situation, when you can not do that yourself, when found in the opposite situation.

 

If you can't be happy alone, how can you be happy with someone else? If you can't be a great father outside a relationship with your former spouse, how can you be a great father inside a relationship? Your wife and daughter rely on you to be there for them emotionally. How is that possible when you can't manage to be there for yourself emotionally?

 

sorry for stealing the thread...

 

TIY - Are you actually saying that I should be happy because I have been put in a situation where my W is divorcing me ?

 

And are you saying that W divorcing me because of her unhappiness has nothing to do with me ? How ?

 

True that happiness is an emotion that can only be felt by the person experiencing the emotion and how they perceive it... But I do believe that external circumstances, actions, behaviors, etc. of the environment around that person can have a dramatic impact on that person and their thoughts and emotions.

 

I was not the perfect husband. There were times I was outright cold to my W after an argument or when I felt like I was being controlled like her servant. I cannot change the past. I cannot not directly change her emotions, but I think I can have some influence over the atmosphere she has when she is around me - and that positive interactions can have her thinking differently about me over time. I want to be more than I was - I want to be a much better man, husband and father - not just for W and D, but for me

 

I am sorry I am not happy going through divorce. I cannot imagine anyone transforming overnight... I wish I could speed up the recovery and move forward process

 

I will learn to cope, to survive, be comfortable with myself, and over time adjust to the new circumatances.

 

Am I a bad father because I am not happy with the situation... Hell no... I am a much better father than I ever was - I understand how important she is, how important it is to do things right.

 

I am sorry I am not happy. My world has been torn apart. I was in anguish...I went through a greiving process and am still at the tail end of it... I lost 35 lbs in the first month. But I am much better... each day is getting better. I know I will survive...

 

How much better and happier am I supposed to be at this point ?

[TrustInYourself]

sorry for stealing the thread...

 

TIY - Are you actually saying that I should be happy because I have been put in a situation where my W is divorcing me ?

 

And are you saying that W divorcing me because of her unhappiness has nothing to do with me ? How ?

 

True that happiness is an emotion that can only be felt by the person experiencing the emotion and how they perceive it... But I do believe that external circumstances, actions, behaviors, etc. of the environment around that person can have a dramatic impact on that person and their thoughts and emotions.

 

I was not the perfect husband. There were times I was outright cold to my W after an argument or when I felt like I was being controlled like her servant. I cannot change the past. I cannot not directly change her emotions, but I think I can have some influence over the atmosphere she has when she is around me - and that positive interactions can have her thinking differently about me over time. I want to be more than I was - I want to be a much better man, husband and father - not just for W and D, but for me

 

I am sorry I am not happy going through divorce. I cannot imagine anyone transforming overnight... I wish I could speed up the recovery and move forward process

 

I will learn to cope, to survive, be comfortable with myself, and over time adjust to the new circumatances.

 

Am I a bad father because I am not happy with the situation... Hell no... I am a much better father than I ever was - I understand how important she is, how important it is to do things right.

 

I am sorry I am not happy. My world has been torn apart. I was in anguish...I went through a greiving process and am still at the tail end of it... I lost 35 lbs in the first month. But I am much better... each day is getting better. I know I will survive...

 

How much better and happier am I supposed to be at this point ?

 

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. This is her decision not yours.

 

This perception of control that you think you have over the situation is an illusion. You can't control the outcome of your marriage/divorce, no matter how much of a change you make. The only thing you can control is your outcome.

 

How happy should you be? You tell me. Are you taking actions to be happy or are you doing things to hurt yourself, remember your mistakes, wallow in misery and loneliness? What are you doing to be happy with or without your spouse? What are you doing so that when your spouse decides to come home, you'll be a better person? What are you doing so that when your spouse decides to serve you divorce papers and marry another man, you can sign them with no reservations?

 

I'm hard on you because I think you have it in you to win in this situation. I hope your weekend goes well and you find yourself doing a few things that bring a smile to your face. Take care.

[SingleDad]

I admit I am the type to wallow in my own misery - I think that is part of the healing process. But I am trying to be happy, standing on my own two legs.

 

Seems like your philsophy is to throw in the towel and live your own life... and if she comes back great... and if not who cares... I understand that is the best way to survive in a situation like this - and move forward with onles own independent life...

 

But throwing in the towel also seems like it is giving up completely... giving up all hope... not doing anything to improve interactions with my W... and i am just not willing to do that.

 

I will improve myself and learn to live my own life whether or not we reconcile, while at the same time leaving hope that things will work out between us.

[SingleDad]

W did call me today to talk with my D as I didn't talk with her last night.

 

So that is nice on W part. W understands how important it is for D to be in both of our lives daily at least to some minimal degree.

 

I told W " thank you - I really miss D and wanted to talk with her" W said 'your welcome"

 

But that's it - that's all I get for now.

[Owl]

And that sounds like EXACTLY how you should have handled that!!!!

[SingleDad]

Here a different perspective of me that I'll share - something that I am thinking about with TIY's comment about being happy just being me.

 

I guess my issue is me... I guess I don't know how to really have "fun" on my own. I know how to do things I enjoy - but fun is not really something I have ever learned how to do on my own. Things that most people consider fun - I would be not enjoy doing on my own - always self conscious about being alone. The years before I was with my W - I usually felt like a third wheel.

 

I am comfortable with myself when I do individual activities like run, shopping, swim, yardwork or housework, reading - so I have been spending my time doing those "distracting" things.

 

But things like out to dinner, movies, entertainment, bars - things that many people do with others - I always feel much worse doing alone - desperate and lonely feelings. Just as when I was together with my W, all of my friends are married with kids, and have their own lifes - then again I feel like a third wheel.

 

I do however, feel much more comfortable doing fun things with my daughter - in fact virtually everytime I have her it is centered around an activity or event - carnival, picnic, zoo, pool, park... Yet I have told myself not to be a Disney Dad. I am even feeling that I do not spend enough time at my own house doing little random things when I have her - dancing, coloring, or dress up or whatever she wants... It just seems more structured to have a set place to go.

 

So how do I learn to get past my insecurities and living my own life and finding joy and happiness ?

[Owl]

Who says you have to do things like "going out to dinner, movies, entertainment, bars" to have fun?

 

If you've found things that you're comfortable doing (as you've mentioned, running, shopping, yard work, etc...) then do those. If you're enjoying it, its fun.

 

No one says you have to do all those other things at all.

 

If I were single, I'd probably not be into any of those things either. I'd probably be at the gym, backpacking in the woods someplace, or any number of other things that I like to do. Hitting the bars, eating alone at restaraunts, etc....not my style either.

 

The thing is...since you're not going to have your daughter 100% of the time, you can't base ALL of your fun/happy activities around the ones that you share with her. You need to learn to balance things out, so that you've got a fun life doing BOTH, when appropriate.

 

You can't sit around and mope and be bored waiting on her visits to fulfill all your fun and happiness.

 

You can't allow your 'personal' fun times interfere with your times with her either.

 

Make sense?

[TrustInYourself]

Here a different perspective of me that I'll share - something that I am thinking about with TIY's comment about being happy just being me.

 

I guess my issue is me... I guess I don't know how to really have "fun" on my own. I know how to do things I enjoy - but fun is not really something I have ever learned how to do on my own. Things that most people consider fun - I would be not enjoy doing on my own - always self conscious about being alone. The years before I was with my W - I usually felt like a third wheel.

 

I am comfortable with myself when I do individual activities like run, shopping, swim, yardwork or housework, reading - so I have been spending my time doing those "distracting" things.

 

But things like out to dinner, movies, entertainment, bars - things that many people do with others - I always feel much worse doing alone - desperate and lonely feelings. Just as when I was together with my W, all of my friends are married with kids, and have their own lifes - then again I feel like a third wheel.

 

I do however, feel much more comfortable doing fun things with my daughter - in fact virtually everytime I have her it is centered around an activity or event - carnival, picnic, zoo, pool, park... Yet I have told myself not to be a Disney Dad. I am even feeling that I do not spend enough time at my own house doing little random things when I have her - dancing, coloring, or dress up or whatever she wants... It just seems more structured to have a set place to go.

 

So how do I learn to get past my insecurities and living my own life and finding joy and happiness ?

 

Only you know the answer to that, my friend.

[SingleDad]

The thing is...since you're not going to have your daughter 100% of the time, you can't base ALL of your fun/happy activities around the ones that you share with her. You need to learn to balance things out, so that you've got a fun life doing BOTH, when appropriate.

 

You can't sit around and mope and be bored waiting on her visits to fulfill all your fun and happiness.

 

You can't allow your 'personal' fun times interfere with your times with her either.

 

Make sense?

 

Yes thanks

[TrustInYourself]

What were the reasons your wife took off? I want the real deal reasons. The reasons that you have come to since she's left and you've had time to think about your relationship.

[SingleDad]

W's views

1. Our sex life diminished to nothing after our Daughter

2. I didn't give her the love she needed.

3. I didn't listen to her, thus didn't respect her.

 

My views:

1. sex life true - W was depressed and exhausted and I was was stressed out and frustrated

2. Loss of love - true, I was feeling that way for awhile - W was 'never' satisfied with my time and quality of time and the way I did things with my daughter first, then have quality time with my W. I was feeling controlled and unappreciated and had enough of feeling like I was her servant - W never showing appreication

3. I heard her - but I wasn't understanding and empathizing - thus not "listening" - I was busy trying to make suggestions to fix her issues rather than listening... It got to be that listening to me meant that she was dictating one way to me to tell me what I had to do for her and I had to just sit back and take it.

 

We grew apart over the last year.

 

Now that I see things for what they were and what they will be, I realized that I made plenty of mistakes myself. I wasn't being a good of a husband as I could be and frankly I do not think she was being as good of a wife as she could be. I was on auto-pilot and was at a loss to know what I could do to fix things, didn't know what I could do to make her happy... She was never happy with the things I did.

 

Any chore that needed to be done I did, my money went for anything big furniture, remodeling and utilities and RE taxes in the house (hers was mostly her own play money). I was the pure old fashoned provider...

 

But I was not satisfying her emotional needs - she told me I wasn't many times - but never told me what that meant or action steps on how I could do better for her... I am an action and goal oriented person... she is an emotional spiritual person... She couldn't tell me what I needed to do... she left it for me to figure out...

 

Got to the point where I couldn't figure it out. Secondly, I was getting so frustrated at her Hitler control over our daughter - "Boot camp" with constant "do you want a time out" and ridgid schedule... where I guess I am less controlling of my daughter (until I reach my limit).

 

 

Seemed like there were so many issues at the time... Now I realize all of the things I was overlooking... That her methods have their advantages... and I'd be happier trying to adapt to her parenting methods and would be able to make her happy - would be much better off together than the break-up of the family.

 

I think my W would need to change as well - allow me to have more say in raising our daughter. Be less ridgid. Be loving and affectionate toward me as well.

 

If we could both loosen up a bit and realize neither of us will do things exactly the way the other wants - but the end result is the same, we would have a chance.

 

Problem is that W has given up - she's had it - its over. She believes that she did everything she could. She believes she is right in every way and did nothing wrong - and it is my fault for not meeting her emotional, physical and spiritual needs - and that I am incapable of changing. I am not the right man for her...

 

We dated for 3.5 years before we got married - and another year before we tried to have a child. Our relationship didn't change much from how we were at the beginning... Maybe just got more complex and challenging. If I wasn't the right man for her couldn't she have figured that our before we got married then before we had a child ?

 

I think a very big part of it is that she expected life to be wonderful after we had a child - we'd be the picture perfect parents and our child would be easy. We'll life isn't that easy. I think she was overwhelmed with our daughter - and as much as I did to help, it wasn't enough or the right way... She felt that now she couldn't handle our daughter and me and the dogs and her job at the same time... i think she is happy that 3 days a week, she can unload the responsibility of our daughter to me so she can unwind.

 

i do not know if is was depression, post-partum or whatever... we both worked, she would beat me home by 45 minutes (shorted hours and shorter drive) to make dinner, then I'd come home, eat dinner and play with daughter, do the dishes and read to daughter. W would be falling asleep at 7 pm before D was even in bed.

 

That's my story.

[SingleDad]

I have to leave work now - But I'll check in this weekend - like to hear other viewpoints on the the downfall of my marriage.