How to start from scratch in 12 mo separation ?

[Darth Vader]

The very fact that your STBXW asked about if it would be adultry if you two saw other people during the separation tells you that she does have someone else to BANG! Man, I wouldn't wait for her to come crawling back after she went out and rode her new stallion, if you catch my drift!

 

I'd procede right now to cover any and all assets that you could, including the family home! I wouldn't move out, if anyone goes, it's her! Make sure you cover you butt about child custody!

[Darth Vader]

My W would be completely in favor of Strategy #1... That is the path that I have been following - as my W has also been saying that the only chance for us is if she respects me... and she can only do that if I let her go, agree on the legal separation, let her live on her own without any interference and with complete respect for her privacy. After she regains her self and is happy and we can be friends, then maybe there is a possibility to see what happens then.

 

Strategy #2 - to date she does not seem to have any of these emotions... I am not the right man for her, so she is moving on. The only thing I can do is to let her see that I am the right man for her, buy getting a life myself, being a better father than she imagined, and having her feel like she made a mistake and is missing out on something wonderful. I do not know How I could do that by putting her through more anguish, or hurt by exposing an affair ...

 

But jealousy, love, indecisiveness, confusion would be emotions I would like to have her feel inside - those feelings could have her question her actions. Yet, I do not think dating someone else would make her jealous - I think instead it would let her know I have moved on and she would no longer need to feel guilty for ending the marriage. I think her keeping her Guilt or at least questioning my status is better than knowing that I am seeing someone else.

 

 

Number one tells you that she wants to go screw this other man and disrepect YOU! And have you waiting in the wings.... What am I? A broken record?

 

I am not the right man for her, so she is moving on.

 

Uh HUH, see? She's already got another man! There's nothing to fix MAN!

 

Gunny, explain this a little better so he can skip the part where she drags him mercylessly through the mud and mire, while he's crying and screaming the whole way while upsetting the child (and I'm not talking about the BIG child either!).

 

And skips to the part where he's moved on, STBXW is trying to get back with him after she's had the fun and great orgasmic sex with OM, and he's saying no way Jose, and joyfully kicks her to the curb!

[TrustInYourself]

If you really love someone, you'd be willing to work through an affair. It's a simple matter of working through your own feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, pain, and mistrust. If you can manage that, then I see no issues with forgiving an affair.

 

It's a personal choice. A new relationship is like buying a new car. Yeah, it's nice, but once you start making those payments for a bit and the car starts to get old, you're right back to where you started with your last car.

[SingleDad]

I know most here will tell me that I made a terrible mistake last night in my conversation with my wife - effectively telling her How much I love her and that I am waiting in the wings for her (I was not clingy or needy -more matter of fact - I do not plan to profess my love to her on a regular annoying basis). I do not want to hear that I made a mistake.

 

I truly believe that I may have brought her out of the withdrawal phase (where she believes she is doing the right thing by divorcing me) into a conflict phase (where she may now be questioning her actions and feelings).

 

In my heart I know I did the right thing - and that is all that matters. And I think it has a positive impact upon her.

 

Here is what happened last night:

 

My Wife admitted to me last night that she has a Boyfriend...

 

She was under the false belief that I was seeing someone and when she questioned me about it, I told her that she hasn't told me about anything she is doing, so why should I tell you. After she told me the truth, I told her that I was not seeing anyone - she was pissed at me for lying to her. I said I never lied, I just let you believe what you wanted to believe.

 

Instead of flying off the handle with her admission, it ended up that we had a 30 minute heart to heart conversation - that we haven't had since the separation.

 

I dropped a lot of the DB principles. While I wasn't clingy or needy. I said in no uncertain terms that when I decided to marry you and have a child with you and start a family together, I would love you and stay with you for better or worse. I am so sorry that our last year was our worst. I am so sorry that you had to go to an attorney to file for a divorce for me to see the light, but now I do see the light, and I know what life is like without you and without my family. She admitted that she is very angry that it took such a drastic action for me to see the problems and want to do everything I can to be sure she is happy. I said I have learned a lot... she asked what... I said for onethat I know what you mean when you want me to listen to you; I was only hearing you, I wasn't listening.

 

I told her I understand why she had to do this, and I think it has been very beneficial, because now I see what it takes to be a great father, and I want to be a great husband if you just let me. I realize that it could take years to repair the damage, but I am willing to put in the work.

 

I told her that I miss my family and that It tears me apart that I do not get to see my daughter 4 days every week. My W admitted that she feels the same way that she doesn't get to see her daughter the 3 days a week that I have her.

 

I know she was crying during our conversation - either it was guilt or conflicting feelings. She was then downplaying the extent of her BF, but she still suggested I should date others - if nothing else then to build up my self esteem. She told me she does not want me wasting my life waiting for her.

 

I said that I am not. I said I know that you need time and space. I am sure you are enjoying your life - meeting someone new is usually quite exciting and can get caught up in the feelings with someone else... she downplayed it again and said it is not that different. But I said that I wouldn't feel right dating because I am in love with my wife. I know you don't want to hear it, so that is why I have stopped telling you on a regular basis, but I do want you to know... deep down it my heart I love you.

 

Surprisingly I am not too upset... I think because she truly knows how I feel, I was able to express myself - outside of the rollercoaster fo divorce. Even though she did not give me any indication of having hope... he fact that I could tell she was crying tells me that I tugged on some heart strings - maybe I brought her to a place where she is back to questioning her actions, when I am there wanting to love her the way she has always wanted it.

 

I guess the downside to this again is that she knows that I am waiting on the sidelines and she can have her fun and I will stil be waiting for her. Rather than having her have a doubt about how I am feeling, whether I have moved on or not, or questioning whether I have found someone better - she knows that I love her unconditionally.

 

I do not know If I have transgressed in the DB process - but somehow I feel better not hiding my true feelings.

 

I am sure it will hit me very soon - the reality of her having a boyfriend - and I will break down and start crying... But her admitting that the separation is hard on her too and that not having our daughter half of the time, her telling me she really cared about me and doesn't want to see me hurting, her downplaying the extent of the boyfriend - just gives me hope that all is not lost... and that time may heal our relationship.

[TrustInYourself]

Sounds like a very deep and touching conversation. I'm happy for you.

 

Trusting your heart and doing what you believe is right is important. That makes us who we are. As long as you understand the impact of your conversation, then you should be ok with the ramifications.

 

I noticed in my separation that conversations always seemed to make my wife cry or feel conflicted and angry. Afterwards, I normally had a greater sense of peace and understanding for her.

 

In retrospect, I don't know if I was helping her overcome her need to be separated or helping myself overcome the separation. Sometimes I really wondered if the conversations were more for my benefit than hers.

 

If your goal is reconcialiation, remember to keep building positive moments for her. Moments where she is at ease, happy, enjoying your company. Those deep talks are just as you mentioned. They can come back and bite you.

 

I'm glad to hear you are feeling good and that communication is still an option for you. Keep up with your positive changes. Remember about what I said about doing things that you like and having fun. There is more to life than your relationship with your wife! Do things that will keep your mind off her and keep you lighthearted and enjoyable to be around. Take care!

[SingleDad]

TIY - thank you for your support. I have been worried about the backlash of comments that I will likely get on this forum.

 

I do not intend to continue to press my desire to reconcile, or be clingy, etc.

 

I am only human and I make mistakes. Sometimes my heart needs to express itself. My Wife is only human too - and I think she needs to feel loved.

 

I also think since this is the first time she really listened to me (knowing I was talking with my heart and not merely to avoid paying settlement) - and I think I briely got through her cold heart for her to see that I really love her and our daughter.

 

I understand all of the DBing and all of the techniques - But being human and expressing myself in a way that my wife has never seen also has it's positive sides.

 

I think it might have brought her temporarily out of a withdrawal phase of our relationship and into a place wher her mind had some conflict or questioning of her actions.

[SingleDad]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrustInYourself

Yeah, I understand and relate to those emotions. I've been there and done that. LoL, it's not exactly fun.

 

You are reaping the rewards of contacting someone who doesn't love you in the same fashion you desire. I told you that was a worthless waste of your time, did I not?

 

You want control? Control your emotions. Change your perspective. You have the advantage if you are willing to be patient and positive. The key is to ignore her interactions with other men. Ignore her attempts to keep you on a leash. Live your life for yourself. Date other women. Go work out. Enjoy your free time.

 

If she wants to be single, show her the consequences of her decision. Show her that you are just going to move on with your life. That includes socializing, traveling, learning, growing. Focus on yourself. Improve and change for the better. Use this crisis to your advantage. Own the situation.

 

Can you handle that?

 

I am trying to do that as well.

 

The news of a BF caught me off guard and I felt like my relationship was falling into an abyss.

 

I do not understand how everyone thinks a person can roboticallly just go out and get a new life and leave the past behind. I do the best I can, but I am only human, with human faults, and human emotions - sometimes I slip and let my heart come out rather than methodical DB or GAL tactics.

[TrustInYourself]

You know the negatives, why should I remind you?

 

What do you think is going to happen from your discussion? Is she going to open up to you? Is she going to want to move back in? Is she thinking about things? Have you created conflict and confusion in her mind over her decision?

 

Keep a positive outlook. That's my opinion.

[TrustInYourself]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrustInYourself

Yeah, I understand and relate to those emotions. I've been there and done that. LoL, it's not exactly fun.

 

You are reaping the rewards of contacting someone who doesn't love you in the same fashion you desire. I told you that was a worthless waste of your time, did I not?

 

You want control? Control your emotions. Change your perspective. You have the advantage if you are willing to be patient and positive. The key is to ignore her interactions with other men. Ignore her attempts to keep you on a leash. Live your life for yourself. Date other women. Go work out. Enjoy your free time.

 

If she wants to be single, show her the consequences of her decision. Show her that you are just going to move on with your life. That includes socializing, traveling, learning, growing. Focus on yourself. Improve and change for the better. Use this crisis to your advantage. Own the situation.

 

Can you handle that?

 

I am trying to do that as well.

 

The news of a BF caught me off guard and I felt like my relationship was falling into an abyss.

 

I do not understand how everyone thinks a person can roboticallly just go out and get a new life and leave the past behind. I do the best I can, but I am only human, with human faults, and human emotions - sometimes I slip and let my heart come out rather than methodical DB or GAL tactics.

 

It's a matter of perspective. You're not actually going out robotically to get a new life and leave the past behind. You are going out to socialize and have fun. You are going out to grow and expand yourself as a person. I do not advocate sleeping with other women if you love someone else. I do advocate communicating with women and listening and enjoying the company of other women. Being proficient at communication and attraction is probably something that most marriage lack the most. If you wife desires fire and romance, how would you know how to provide that without practice or application. Come on be practical. This isn't about moving on. This is about being an overall better husband. Shutting yourself in a closet is tantamount to turning into that guy in Goonies who likes Baby Ruth candy bars.

[SingleDad]

Well the worse she can do is divorce me.

 

I had no expectation that she would coming running back to me.

 

But she does know clearly where I stand, my moral fiber, my conviction and my love for her.

 

So now I can let it rest for awhile and GAL myself.

 

And Yes - I do think it made her think again about it. She knows I am changing, that I understand the problems we were having and trying to correct them.

 

No one on this forum knows my wife... I honestly think she will not come back to me if I just go on and live my separate life and say "scr-w it". She left me because our relationship was not working adn she was not happy. I am working to fix those things about myself.

 

The fact that she opened up to me with her feelings actually shows me that the conversation had an impact on her which was not negative.

 

She wants me to be open and honest with her - that is one of the basic ways of starting a friendship, developing trust and communication.

 

I will not hound her - but I think little reminders to make her think and be conflicted will not always backfire.

 

The worst thing a can do to myself is have false hope and fail and be devistated again...

[TrustInYourself]

Approach it with an open mind. You are right, no one knows your wife.

 

However, I think the changes you've made opened the door for that conversation. You can't just disregard those changes.

 

Take whatever action you deem necessary. But be honest with yourself about the results of those actions. Gauge the impact you have with your course of action. If you get the wrong reaction, change the action.

 

And read my last post as well. I want your comments.

[SingleDad]

You know the negatives, why should I remind you? - No the worst that can happen is divorce and I hurt myself again by keeping hope and it fails

 

What do you think is going to happen from your discussion? Nothing in particular. But she now knows how I feel. and she admitted she does care about me and knows I will always be the father of her daughter - she doesn't ever want that to change

 

Is she going to open up to you? She did during the conversation - that's a plus

 

Is she going to want to move back in? No -way too early for that kind of talk

 

Is she thinking about things? I believe so - I believe she understands how I feel, that I love her unconditionally, and I understand and appreciate what she is doing was something that needed to happen... and isn't over yet. I do not expect any change in her actions for months - but I think she may think about things.

 

Have you created conflict and confusion in her mind over her decision? Yes I believe so - to a slight degree... until now it was one track mind. Now she may be thinking that I am a great father and I love my wife more than she ever imagined - she did not believe that before. Still I do not expect a 180 from her. But she may be judging me differently... and if something falters with her BF, she knows that my love endures for her... maybe after being hurt by someone else she can come back to a place that is stable and honest. She has gained some respect for me in that I loved her enough to let her free when she needed it - and not have a bitter contested divorce - and not fight the settlement nor child support. She did agree with me that if I could be the person like she knows in her brother and father, she would not be divorcing me. I am trying to be that better person before then.

 

Keep a positive outlook. That's my opinion I hope to... I want my marriage to reconcile... If it doesn't I will know for sure that I did everything I could to save it... Including having amicable conversations with my wife to let her know I love her, I understand her decisions even though I do not agree with the end result. An in the meantime I will continue to be the best father I can be, and learn to have a happy life with or without my wife.

 

answered above

[TrustInYourself]

It's a matter of perspective. You're not actually going out robotically to get a new life and leave the past behind. You are going out to socialize and have fun. You are going out to grow and expand yourself as a person. I do not advocate sleeping with other women if you love someone else. I do advocate communicating with women and listening and enjoying the company of other women. Being proficient at communication and attraction is probably something that most marriage lack the most. If you wife desires fire and romance, how would you know how to provide that without practice or application. Come on be practical. This isn't about moving on. This is about being an overall better husband. Shutting yourself in a closet is tantamount to turning into that guy in Goonies who likes Baby Ruth candy bars.

 

A response to this one, sir.

[SingleDad]

It's a matter of perspective. You're not actually going out robotically to get a new life and leave the past behind. You are going out to socialize and have fun. You are going out to grow and expand yourself as a person. I do not advocate sleeping with other women if you love someone else. I do advocate communicating with women and listening and enjoying the company of other women. Being proficient at communication and attraction is probably something that most marriage lack the most. If you wife desires fire and romance, how would you know how to provide that without practice or application. Come on be practical. This isn't about moving on. This is about being an overall better husband. Shutting yourself in a closet is tantamount to turning into that guy in Goonies who likes Baby Ruth candy bars.

 

 

No I was talking about robotically doing every tactic that is stated in every book and think that everything has to be done in exactly that way to get an end result. People ar human - not everyone reacts in the same way as everyone else. Not everyone gets divorced for the same reason. One action or behavior make work for one person and may backfire for another person or situation.

 

I am trying to get out and do those things I used to do to find some happiness.

 

Unfortunately, I am not a socialite or communicator and have never been good at dating women or knowing what they want. Of course I haven't been out in the field for the past 7 years, so I have forgotten what I never knew.

 

The one woman I have been communicating and confiding with has told me that I am the type of person she has always wanted - good father, dedicated, responsible, works around the house and says that most women would want a guy like me - not the schmuser who whooos the women but is not a good provider or husband. She has asked me out on a number of occasions - understanding that nothing physical has to happen. Last night she suggested that we go out to dinner with the kids so my daughter can learn proper table manners (I had said that is something we have not instilled well).

 

Understanding women and being more comfortable communicating is certainly something I need to practice at.

 

Does that answer your question ?

[dead-dyke]

Here - RRROOOOOOOOOOOOFF? BABY RRROOOOOOOFFF?

 

Luke perry. lol.

 

Sorry SD - couldn't resist.

[SingleDad]

She also told me last night that she has seen me over the years working my tail off around the house - yardwork, laundry shopping, parenting - and has heard my wife treat me like crap on several occassions.

 

Told me that no woman should treat a man who does those things like that that way - I should have left her years ago.

 

That she has told her friends about me over the years and said I am the type of man most women really want - including her - and that my Wife has no idea what she is walking away from.

 

Of course, my emotions are in the gutter and maybe she was just trying to cheer me up.

 

She doesn't understand why I am so down on myself when I have so much to offer any woman.

[TrustInYourself]

Exactly my thoughts and most of the people on this board.

 

You are a good guy. I'm not saying that to cheer you up, lol. I think most people would agree. You deserve a woman who would love you the same way you love her.

 

So you don't want to go on the date? Good grief. Do not get physical or emotional, but I would go to talk and enjoy some company.

 

That's your decision though. Let me know. At the very least, it's comforting to know that you're not chopped liver.

 

Is this your neighbor?

[SingleDad]

yes - that is why I do not want to get too caught up with her - but it could be a good learning experience about women

[Darth Vader]

She also told me last night that she has seen me over the years working my tail off around the house - yardwork, laundry shopping, parenting - and has heard my wife treat me like crap on several occassions.

 

Told me that no woman should treat a man who does those things like that that way - I should have left her years ago.

 

That she has told her friends about me over the years and said I am the type of man most women really want - including her - and that my Wife has no idea what she is walking away from.

 

Of course, my emotions are in the gutter and maybe she was just trying to cheer me up.

 

She doesn't understand why I am so down on myself when I have so much to offer any woman.

 

 

I don't know to whom you're refering to, but, women don't lie about things like that! If other women are taking notice of the things that you do around the house, and are desiring a man like you, I thing she's trying to tell you something! Like, get the heck away from this woman you call your wife! Most women would KILL to have a man like that! She's not just trying to cheer you up!

[Darth Vader]

The one woman I have been communicating and confiding with has told me that I am the type of person she has always wanted - good father, dedicated, responsible, works around the house and says that most women would want a guy like me - not the schmuser who whooos the women but is not a good provider or husband. She has asked me out on a number of occasions - understanding that nothing physical has to happen. Last night she suggested that we go out to dinner with the kids so my daughter can learn proper table manners (I had said that is something we have not instilled well).

 

Um? Excuse me? Are you catching this? This other woman here is doing everything but saying: ;)"Wanna go to bed and screw"? Apparently she's into you! HINT! HINT! WAKE UP MAN! Reread this again, PLEASE! After all, do you know how pissed your STBXW would be if she found out about this other woman checking you out, I mean hanging around you?

 

Do I make any sense here? Trying to help ya here man!

 

I yi yi!

[Darth Vader]

Exactly my thoughts and most of the people on this board.

 

You are a good guy. I'm not saying that to cheer you up, lol. I think most people would agree. You deserve a woman who would love you the same way you love her.

 

So you don't want to go on the date? Good grief. Do not get physical or emotional, but I would go to talk and enjoy some company.

 

That's your decision though. Let me know. At the very least, it's comforting to know that you're not chopped liver.

 

Is this your neighbor?

 

 

OK, I agree!

 

Heck! I'll say that you're a GOOD GUY!

 

but it could be a good learning experience about women

 

(mouth drops in expectation)

 

She's in to you, did I say that already?

[dead-dyke]

OK, I agree!

 

Heck! I'll say that you're a GOOD GUY!

 

but it could be a good learning experience about women

 

(mouth drops in expectation)

 

She's in to you, did I say that already?

 

 

I see you shwartz is as big as mine.

 

I'm sure SD is well awre of the given situation. He's in love, not dense. I'm going back on hiatus.

[Darth Vader]

OK, I agree!

 

Heck! I'll say that you're a GOOD GUY!

 

 

 

 

I see you shwartz is as big as mine.

 

I'm sure SD is well awre of the given situation. He's in love, not dense. I'm going back on hiatus.

 

 

That's Force! LOL:p:lmao: How do you know?:lmao:

 

Anyway, I'm sure that SD does too, but, I just don't want him to look back on this and feel like he did nothing but waste his time with a loser of a woman who was only in it for herself, and miss another lady who's ready and willing to do a good job of being a good wife that SD deserves!

 

I don't want SD to waste all of his reserves and time on a lost cause, and end up screwed into paying her alimony or child support and pay for her actions, that's all, that's why I'm not hesitant in waving my saber around at him to get his attention.

 

In a sense, I'm fighting against his wife, or STBXW! And fighting for SD!

 

Oh, BTW SD, is the other lady who's interested in you, um, Really really HOT!?

 

Ok, that's all for now........... Vader out!

[TrustInYourself]

yes - that is why I do not want to get too caught up with her - but it could be a good learning experience about women

 

More importantly a good learning experience about yourself.

[SingleDad]

I am coming to the realization that my wife has had this boyfriend before the divorce - and is getting divorced because she wants to be with the boyfriend.

 

It has all been lies - and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. There are no techniques that can de used to end the affair. No techniques that can get my family back.

 

I am at a loss.

 

There is nothing I can do to save my marriage - my W actually says we are divorced and she is not my wife - yet we have a legal separation - not a divorce.

 

That means she is having an affair - and doesn't want the guilt.

 

So I just have to Get A Life - and forget about everything else.... I have been trying - but I can't

 

I am just pathetic...