How to start from scratch in 12 mo separation ?

[n9688m]

That is tough SD.

 

Perhaps one form of consolation which has helped me somewhat is to consider why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want you or who would do that to you. But yes I know it's tough.

 

It also seems to me like there is "no justice" in the world. But it helped me to realize that she has to live forever with the consequences of her actions to her family (including your child or in my case 2 children). That may well be tough to live with even if she does not acknowledge it.

 

In the end the best reaction or revenge if you will may be living a good life and having her see it. I haven't fully gotten over it myself so I realize it's a lot easier said than done.

[TrustInYourself]

You're not pathetic. Come on now. Stop being so sad.

 

I think this was common knowledge from the start, was it not?

[TrustInYourself]

That is tough SD.

 

Perhaps one form of consolation which has helped me somewhat is to consider why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want you or who would do that to you. But yes I know it's tough.

 

It also seems to me like there is "no justice" in the world. But it helped me to realize that she has to live forever with the consequences of her actions to her family (including your child or in my case 2 children). That may well be tough to live with even if she does not acknowledge it.

 

In the end the best reaction or revenge if you will may be living a good life and having her see it. I haven't fully gotten over it myself so I realize it's a lot easier said than done.

 

Who is this imposter. What happened to burning that bitch at the stake, n?

[SingleDad]

A have always held a belief that she could only be doing this if she was having an affair.... But I have always kept that as an intangible thought.

 

 

I held it pretty well this weekend with me daughter.

 

Now the realization of its truth has but me in anguish - I am in overwhelming tears right now..

[n9688m]

Who is this imposter. What happened to burning that bitch at the stake, n?

 

Don't get me wrong - I'm still angry. Indeed she moved out a few weeks ago and I see the impact on my kids and it is heartbreaking.

 

But there is karma indeed. My STBXW got demoted at work over the affair. The OM got demoted and is also going to prison soon for DUI [alcohol is what broke up his own marriage and he still has not learned]. And my STBXW realized she has no choice but to give up our house. So it's not as if there is no justice.

 

I'm devastated for our girls but I can't control that so the best I can do is to make a good life for them. And this may wind up bringing me closer to them given the alone time I get to spend with them.

 

And I do think dating helped me at least in getting over the relationship issues. I would never wish this on anyone and I loved my wife to death and I am devastated to see this happen to my kids, but all that aside there does seem to be some balance in a world where the OM is now in jail but I am free to spend time with 25-year-old women. I surely wish this didn't happen but that is at least quite a consolation prize. Try it SD - it just might put a smile on your face.

[TrustInYourself]

Don't get me wrong - I'm still angry. Indeed she moved out a few weeks ago and I see the impact on my kids and it is heartbreaking.

 

But there is karma indeed. My STBXW got demoted at work over the affair. The OM got demoted and is also going to prison soon for DUI [alcohol is what broke up his own marriage and he still has not learned]. And my STBXW realized she has no choice but to give up our house. So it's not as if there is no justice.

 

I'm devastated for our girls but I can't control that so the best I can do is to make a good life for them. And this may wind up bringing me closer to them given the alone time I get to spend with them.

 

And I do think dating helped me at least in getting over the relationship issues. I would never wish this on anyone and I loved my wife to death and I am devastated to see this happen to my kids, but all that aside there does seem to be some balance in a world where the OM is now in jail but I am free to spend time with 25-year-old women. I surely wish this didn't happen but that is at least quite a consolation prize. Try it SD - it just might put a smile on your face.

 

LOL. That's cool.

 

How did you meet the 25 year old lady friend??! I'm glad to hear things are looking up for you and your girls.

[TrustInYourself]

A have always held a belief that she could only be doing this if she was having an affair.... But I have always kept that as an intangible thought.

 

 

I held it pretty well this weekend with me daughter.

 

Now the realization of its truth has but me in anguish - I am in overwhelming tears right now..

 

Truth will set you free.

 

How happy can he keep your wife when you know exactly how demanding and needy she can be? How long do you see them together, knowing how she demands complete obedience?

 

Give it time bro. Don't forget how much learning and thought you've put into yourself. If your wife is out with another man, screw her. Let her have him because you deserve so much more.

[n9688m]

LOL. That's cool.

 

How did you meet the 25 year old lady friend??! I'm glad to hear things are looking up for you and your girls.

 

match.com - highly recommended

[SingleDad]

My W is pissed at me - would not take my call - so I sent her this e-mail

 

"I am sorry to anger you and burst your secret Affair - You are still Legally Married by the way - Legal Separation is not a Divorce

How am I supposed to feel

 

I hope someday you can understand why I am standing up for my family... This is not right.

 

I do not know if you were trying to protect me from being hurt or wanting to hid the affair from me

 

You think you are in love with this other man - this other man who broke up a family, ended a marriage, and took your daughter away from you and away from me half of the time - why would you love another man who would do that to another family - what are his morals

 

I hope you think it is worth it - you are destroy lives - and you are too blinded by love to see it. - It is not love - it is infatuation - I know that you could not love someone who has no morals

 

In a few years you will probably learn that it was all a mistake - Too late to correct it

 

I am so sorry you cannot see what is right

 

I do love you very much - I wish you could see that instead"

 

 

 

My marriage is over - but I'm not going down without her knowing my feelings and having her feel nothing about it the break-up of our family

[TrustInYourself]

My W is pissed at me - would not take my call - so I sent her this e-mail

 

"I am sorry to anger you and burst your secret Affair - You are still Legally Married by the way - Legal Separation is not a Divorce

How am I supposed to feel

 

I hope someday you can understand why I am standing up for my family... This is not right.

 

I do not know if you were trying to protect me from being hurt or wanting to hid the affair from me

 

You think you are in love with this other man - this other man who broke up a family, ended a marriage, and took your daughter away from you and away from me half of the time - why would you love another man who would do that to another family - what are his morals

 

I hope you think it is worth it - you are destroy lives - and you are too blinded by love to see it. - It is not love - it is infatuation - I know that you could not love someone who has no morals

 

In a few years you will probably learn that it was all a mistake - Too late to correct it

 

I am so sorry you cannot see what is right

 

I do love you very much - I wish you could see that instead"

 

 

 

My marriage is over - but I'm not going down without her knowing my feelings and having her feel nothing about it the break-up of our family

 

That was pretty good until you got to that "I do love you" stuff. She isn't going to see squat. She's in the "fog". Just ignore her and live life for yourself. Nothing has really changed, except your perspective on her extra marital affair. Before, you decided to ignore it. Now you've come to a point where you are willing to accept it. The faster you come to the conclusions that have been presented here, the better off you'll be.

[TrustInYourself]

And another thing. You should not be sad. You should be ****ing angry. She's cheating on her husband and her family. Honestly? You think this was the OM's choice?

 

No..

 

It was your so-called wife's choice. She's the one precipitating this little adventure you are undertaking. If you love someone like that, you need to have your head examined.

 

Perhaps I can rip your heart out later and take a dump on it and you can tell me how much you love me.

[n9688m]

That was pretty good until you got to that "I do love you" stuff.

 

SD - I dont' know if this helps, but when I was tempted to say "I love you" in this situation I switched it instead to "I loved you." You can say the same thing but subtly suggest you are over her instead of that you are still dependent up on her.

[Owl]

SD, I've really debated responding to any of this...

 

Have you noticed that even though you're armed with new knowledge, the first thing you do is to insist that you still have no power to change anything???

 

So let me ask you...have you ASKED her parents if they knew that she was cheating on you, and that this is the REAL reason why she's seperated? So that she could be with her affair partner?

 

Have you talked with them directly about the changes you've made, and your fight to save your marriage even in spite of all of this?

 

Have you had any of these discussions with ANYONE who could have impact on your wife? Friends, etc...?

 

Have you reviewed your state's laws concerning divorce to see whether or not this can change the filing status? Or change the division of marital goods/finances/etc...?

 

You're not powerless...yes, your power is LIMITED...but by no means are you a helpless newborn babe, forced to accept whatever meager crumbs your wife doles out to you.

[n9688m]

So let me ask you...have you ASKED her parents if they knew that she was cheating on you, and that this is the REAL reason why she's seperated? So that she could be with her affair partner?

 

If that is why she changes her mind, why would he want to still be with her?

[Owl]

Read "Surviving an Affair".

 

You're looking at this the wrong way.

 

Affairs are massively addicting. Reasoning with her is like reasoning with a crack addict. Understanding her motivations, etc....same deal.

 

Once she's clear of her addiction, she can (and likely will) return to the kind of person she was PRIOR to her addiction.

 

Virtually every "WS" (wayward spouse) acts in this same fashion. The first step in rebuilding the marriage is ending the affair and getting NC setup with the affair partner.

 

Even "If that is why she changes her mind, ", it can still lead to a REAL reconciliation and marital recovery. That would be the "why", in response to your question.

[SingleDad]

So now that my W has admitted to the affair (which she thinks is ok because to her we are already divorced), how am I supposed to act ?????

 

She does not want to be married to me. She is probably in love with the OM.

 

Telling her family would do nothing.

 

Telling her that I am done with her would do nothing - she doesn't want me - it is not like she cannot make up her mind - she has wanted out from day 1 - she filed for divorce because her morals told her she cannot love him and be married to me - she fell out of love with me and found him.

 

I am at a loss - I just have to admit that my marriage is over and be sure she knows I did everything I could to save the marriage.

 

p.s. she never replied to my e-mail.

[TrustInYourself]

Of course she didn't. What would she reply with? You're right?

 

Have you ever heard of the

 

7 Stages of Grief..

1. SHOCK & DENIAL

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING

Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

5. THE UPWARD TURN

As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward. You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

[Owl]

So now that my W has admitted to the affair (which she thinks is ok because to her we are already divorced), how am I supposed to act ?????

 

She does not want to be married to me. She is probably in love with the OM.

 

Telling her family would do nothing.

 

Telling her that I am done with her would do nothing - she doesn't want me - it is not like she cannot make up her mind - she has wanted out from day 1 - she filed for divorce because her morals told her she cannot love him and be married to me - she fell out of love with me and found him.

 

I am at a loss - I just have to admit that my marriage is over and be sure she knows I did everything I could to save the marriage.

 

p.s. she never replied to my e-mail.

 

Thanks for letting me know that you read my response.

 

I've said all I can. Good luck.

[LostHusband]

So now that my W has admitted to the affair (which she thinks is ok because to her we are already divorced), how am I supposed to act ?????

 

She does not want to be married to me. She is probably in love with the OM.

 

Telling her family would do nothing.

 

Telling her that I am done with her would do nothing - she doesn't want me - it is not like she cannot make up her mind - she has wanted out from day 1 - she filed for divorce because her morals told her she cannot love him and be married to me - she fell out of love with me and found him.

 

I am at a loss - I just have to admit that my marriage is over and be sure she knows I did everything I could to save the marriage.

 

p.s. she never replied to my e-mail.

 

You have to let her go so that you can heal. She will want nothing to do with you while you are still in pain. Just tell her you are letting go of her and then believe it, it will be real painful, but its all you can really do. This weekend, after I found out my STBXW was dating another man (funny how our stories mirror each other so much) we had a long talk, probably the first time we talked about us since the separation. I told her she would have a special place in my heart and in my memories - she actually cried when I told her that, first time she's showed any emotion since being gone. Later I followed up with a text (pretty much copied out of the book "Love Must be Tough"). The message was "I want u 2 know that u r free from me - I accept it. It is painful 4 me but I will be ok. We had some great times, u were a true love of mine...I'll never forget the memories we shared. Take care." That was it - and do you want to know what her reply was? It was "Thxs luv u dont forget it ur still my friend." Doesn't that sound much better than responding with anger? Or no reply at all? The timing has to be right for something like that though - I sent it after our last real conversation about us, when she was still emotional. It didn't change anything in her, but I felt better about things, I felt after that I could finally start the healing process. I have started it, and it has been hell, but I get through each day and I have less and less desire to call her anymore, because what more would I have to say? Leave her with the idea that you are moving on, then show her you are doing it. It may not bring her back, but it will help bring yourself back.

[Billy Bob]

So now that my W has admitted to the affair (which she thinks is ok because to her we are already divorced), how am I supposed to act ?????

 

SD, Be glad it's all out in the open now. Hopefully now you can start the road to recovery. You will be happy again, probably much happier than you were previously in your marriage.

 

I know it's hard to believe, but a lot of us have been in exactly the same shoes. I was too, I went through hell for 8 months before I woke up. Before it dawned on me that my dream (addiction?) of a lifelong marriage was over. I reached a point where I looked back and and it became clear to me.. how could I be dedicated and in-love with someone who treated me like garbage and continually lied to me??

 

You should be excited that now you will be able to meet someone with integrity, someone that truly wants to be with you and will love your daughter like her own. She is out there! And you will have fun finding her!

 

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

[SingleDad]

Thanks for letting me know that you read my response.

 

I've said all I can. Good luck.

 

Owl - not sure what you mean - do you mean responding to your private message ? Or listening to you advice on exposing an affair ? I did expose it by "tricking" my W into telling me... I do not know if it did any good... It made her angry that now I know she has BF and can't keep it a secret - so she can't do the I love someone else and that secret is exciting for her and BF. Maybe that I poked a hole in the excitement of the OM ?

 

Or maybe it was my e-mail ?

 

In a case where she wants nothing to do with me - It is not like she is questioning who to be with - I do not think there is anything I can do ?

 

Or am I missing something else with the Plan A and B ?

 

You have given so much advice about exposing the affair and what to do about it over these months, that now that the "affair" is exposed and we are legally separated, I am overwhelmed and forgot what I should do about it now...

 

I know you do not want to waste any more of your time on me - but maybe you can cut and paste the advice I should be followiong now. I am overwhelmed.

 

I have to go back and re-read all of your advice and maybe that will clarify.

[SingleDad]

Everyone else - TIY, lost husband and yes even cta - thank you for your words.

 

It will be a hard process... but I guess I have certainly had yet another knife stab through my bubble of hope.

 

I have seen several other postings where the wayward spouse comes back after the OM relationship fails in 6 months or years later.... I guess that hope is so bleak I would be a fool to keep up that kind of hope.

[SingleDad]

I personally don't see how you successfully recover your marriage without fighting to get the affair to end first.

 

If she's building a relationship with someone else (and it totally sounds to me like she is), then you can pretty much FORGET about any hope of her re-establishing her relationship with you before the divorce comes through...unless something changes the equation.

 

If you don't fight to get the affair ended...then you may as well go ahead and focus all your effort and energy on creating the best possible divorce solution you can.

 

Like I said...some things are mutually exclusive. EITHER you support the divorce, or you support reconciliation.

 

OK Owl - How do I fight to get the affair ended ? I will continue to go back further of your earlier posts and see if I can find it... "support the divorce" like "I agree with you - get out of my life" ??? Only then might she come back ???

[2sunny]

Everyone else - TIY, lost husband and yes even cta - thank you for your words.

 

It will be a hard process... but I guess I have certainly had yet another knife stab through my bubble of hope.

 

I have seen several other postings where the wayward spouse comes back after the OM relationship fails in 6 months or years later.... I guess that hope is so bleak I would be a fool to keep up that kind of hope.

 

move on! she has allowed you to have an understanding that there is no future together.

 

you hanging on to NO threads is looking pathetic from HER perspective.

 

DO NOT give her the time of day. this will allow you to heal and eventually move forward - especially once you can actually see the truth when your fog is lifted.

[LostHusband]

I've read those posts too - and the common factor in almost all of them is the fact that the wayward spouse has seen the changes in their ex and sees them having fun with somebody new. It seems the one thing that brings an ex back is to see you in a new relationship - but then somebody is going to end up getting hurt. Either you will have moved on and happy in the new relationship and will not let them come back into your life, or you will break the heart of whoever you started a new relationship with and go back to your ex. Probably why rebounds aren't the best idea. (Though I admit I wouldn't turn down the chance to date a loving, fun and pretty gal right now! )