2sunny Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 i am amazed that you would still be entertaining the thought of getting back with your STBXW... why? why when she has been an emotional drain to you for years and not any sort of connection in any sense? i guess i wouldn't wonder if there was some sort of intense connection between the two of you on some level - but it baffles me when it appears there is none. why not just move on and enjoy the company of someone you are connected with? SD- this was my response to you when you first started this thread way back more than a month ago... i still think it rings true - more now than ever... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 Again, your description of your goal sounds nothing like trying to save your marriage...it sounds like learning to live and be happy with appeasing your wife. I'm going to speak BLUNTLY...even moreso than usual for me. That should speak volumes by itself. You're not going to stand a snowball's chance in heck in EVER recovering your marriage if you continue to live in fear of your wife. Every post you make clearly outlines that you're afraid of your wife's responses to anything you do. You've talked yourself out of taking any potentially confrontation that could come up. You have GIVEN her all the power in this relationship. She has all the decision making power, all of the control in your entire relationship. What she says, goes. What she doesn't like, isn't considered, or is summarily dismissed as not feasible. You have relinquished all control...willingly. Remember the numerous times LJ and I have both commented that a woman doesn't love a man that she can't respect? How can she respect a man who refuses avoids any potential conflict, who lives his life in fear of upsetting her? I've got no further advice to offer you. There really isn't anything else I can suggest. I wish you well, but unless something happens to FORCE a change in your situation, I don't see what else I can give you. Owl - I think this is what you were referring to. "Having conflict" and "Being Friendly" are two opposing viewpoints. I went through a "clingy I need you phase" for about 5 months. And had some conflict over the terms of the separation for a month or so. Last 2 months, was in a "being friendly at all costs" phase where I thought I could go along with her wishes and that would have her desire to talk with me and maybe spend more time with me - a phase where I truly didn't believer there was someone else. Then this weekend and today - with my e-mail - told her that she was in fantasy land and when the bubble bursts she will realize that she gave up everything for a fantasy. That her BF must have no morals to break up a marraige and take her 50% away from her daughter. So my W is now very angry with me. I "stirred up conflict" So now I have found out the truth of the affair, confronted her on it, let her know that this fantasy has destroyed her family, am no longer in fear of her and her anger (as I can assume she is never coming back as long as she has this BF), told her that I had to tell her how I feel about it as I am standing up for what is right - maybe that will build some respect for me (It doesn't now as she is too angry). Owl - Now what do I do ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 Wow - I really liked this I read on another thread... In my anger I e-mailed this to my W: "What have I really lost? 1. A wife who cheated. 2. A wife who was not honest. 3. A wife who would not honor her marriage vows (better or worse, til death...) 4. A mother who is willing to give her only child a broken home so she can be happy. And so on..." Ouch... I wonder what reprocussions that will have.... Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Psych 101: "You want what you can't have" SD, my ex-wife didn't come crawling back until she found out I was seriously dating someone else and was happy. Then, I think she realized that she couldn't have me and that someone else wanted me... and that made her question her decisions... As long as you profess your love and are available to her, there is no reason to run back to you. Cut her out of your life, go NC, get a GF. Change your attitude. She very well may come back eventually (mine did), but at that point you may very well decide you have had enough of her BS (I did). I guarantee you I could have gotten back together with my ex-wife at any time (until I was re-married) within about 6 months of our divorce... after her alternate relationship and business plans failed and reality kicked her ass. However, at that point I had dated several girls who "wanted" a relationship and were honest, reliable, trustworthy... although those girls were not for me in the long run, it exposed me to the qualities that I wanted in a spouse. My ex-wife did not have those qualities. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 Read "Surviving an Affair". You're looking at this the wrong way. Affairs are massively addicting. Reasoning with her is like reasoning with a crack addict. Understanding her motivations, etc....same deal. Once she's clear of her addiction, she can (and likely will) return to the kind of person she was PRIOR to her addiction. Virtually every "WS" (wayward spouse) acts in this same fashion. The first step in rebuilding the marriage is ending the affair and getting NC setup with the affair partner. Even "If that is why she changes her mind, ", it can still lead to a REAL reconciliation and marital recovery. That would be the "why", in response to your question. Wow - That is another good post... I guess I was not fully accepting your advice OWL - as I just couldn't believe she was having an affair. So how do I break her addiction ? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Wow - That is another good post... I guess I was not fully accepting your advice OWL - as I just couldn't believe she was having an affair. So how do I break her addiction ? SD- this is it in a nutshell - YOU don't! she's the only one to break her addiction. you need to stay out of it for now so that you can retain your sanity! back away from the trainwreck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 SD, I've really debated responding to any of this... Have you noticed that even though you're armed with new knowledge, the first thing you do is to insist that you still have no power to change anything??? So let me ask you...have you ASKED her parents if they knew that she was cheating on you, and that this is the REAL reason why she's seperated? So that she could be with her affair partner? Have you talked with them directly about the changes you've made, and your fight to save your marriage even in spite of all of this? Have you had any of these discussions with ANYONE who could have impact on your wife? Friends, etc...? Have you reviewed your state's laws concerning divorce to see whether or not this can change the filing status? Or change the division of marital goods/finances/etc...? You're not powerless...yes, your power is LIMITED...but by no means are you a helpless newborn babe, forced to accept whatever meager crumbs your wife doles out to you. The state's laws have no impact on divorce or separation when there is an affair. I have not called her parents... I have her father's number and I had called him early on in the divorce - He said he commended me on trying to save the marriage... Then a couple of weeks later when my wife tore up all of our wedding pictures I called him again. My wife told her father never to talk with me again - he would not take my call - I heard him in the background - My W's stepsister told my that her father was afraid of my W's "Wrath". I have not called him since - and I do not have any of her family phone numbers anymore. I have some e-mail adddresses.... But ouch I am not yet sure that is the way to go... There is really no other person she is friends with I could go to. Link to post Share on other sites
LostHusband Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Break her addiction by not caring - let her have her green grass and wait for it to turn brown. It will either end eventually, or it won't. There's not much you can do and any attempts you take to try to break them up will only push them together. It's like when parents tell their daughter she is not allowed to date a certain boy - it drives the girl to the boy and they run off together. When the parents like a boy and tell their daughter how great he is, the girl often gets bored with the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 SD, take a breath. You're letting your emotions control you. Get ahold of yourself. As I said before, acceptance. You have no control over her actions. The day you start living your life for your own happiness is the day you finally start living life again. This is not the end, but just a new beginning. Relax. Link to post Share on other sites
LostHusband Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Wow - I really liked this I read on another thread... In my anger I e-mailed this to my W: "What have I really lost? 1. A wife who cheated. 2. A wife who was not honest. 3. A wife who would not honor her marriage vows (better or worse, til death...) 4. A mother who is willing to give her only child a broken home so she can be happy. And so on..." Ouch... I wonder what reprocussions that will have.... I'm sure she rolled her eyes and then deleted it. Link to post Share on other sites
NewSunrise Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 SD- After all this, tell us again, why would you want someone who claims does not love you, does not want you and does not want to be married to you? You can't force someone to love you. They either do or they don't. As a former BS, done pretty much all that you've done. Exposure, NC, MC, he IC but it got to the point that in the entire process of saving my M (nearly a year) it destroyed a part of my self-esteem. When xWH continued his cheating and lying during MC under my insurance, I DECIDED I was done. You haven't decided nor have you established your personal and relationship/marriage boundaries. At some point you will have to decide whether to live for yourself or for someone else. You are in the latter. Unfortunately, while the intention is heartfelt with a certain goal---save your marriage, at what expense are you prepared to emotionally, physically, mentally and psychologically willing to compromise and sacrifice? Divorce isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes, it is necessary evil and the best thing you can do for yourself. To LIVE again! Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 I am just pathetic... No, you're not, SHE IS! Drop her now! And go for sole custody! Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Wow - I really liked this I read on another thread... In my anger I e-mailed this to my W: "What have I really lost? 1. A wife who cheated. 2. A wife who was not honest. 3. A wife who would not honor her marriage vows (better or worse, til death...) 4. A mother who is willing to give her only child a broken home so she can be happy. And so on..." Ouch... I wonder what reprocussions that will have.... Are you gonna send it? Anyway, you never answered my question about that other Lady, well? Is she HOT? Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 I feel for you. Link to post Share on other sites
badbrit Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 No, you're not, SHE IS! Drop her now! And go for sole custody! What???? Go for sole custody because she had an affair and left her husband??? Bitterness is a very unattractive quality. Yeah, you go for sole custody, you take a girl away from her mother because she had an affair. Blimey people, it happens (I am the victim of the same btw but so what, sh** happens) and does not make her a monster. There are some really bitter and warped ideas on these forums. Link to post Share on other sites
badbrit Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 I'm sure she rolled her eyes and then deleted it. Exactly what I thought. SD you are like the most annoying and deluded hurt spouse I have seen in a while. All your actions are ridiculous. You think you caused conflict through what you have said to her? No you have proved that you are annoying, cannot let go, have no self respect. She will not be hearing what you say, you are now the textbook spurned spouse who says all the usual rubbish She does not care about any of that, if she did she would not have left you and stayed gone! She is doing what she wants to do and why should she stay in a marriage that is not working? For your child? It is not 1907 dude, it is 2007. A child is always better in a shared home of two happy parents. However when that is not possible the next best alternative is two seperate homes with two parents who are happy and still love the child and give it the best treatment. Time you manned up and excepted it and allowed your wife to be happy as you are the cause of her misery and it is time you manned up for your daughters sake and sorted your sh** out and made a good life so your daughter can have the best possible stability in this situation of a happy home with a happy mum and also see a father who has a happy home. YOU are not doing the disservice to your daughter. Yeah your wife left, banged some other bloke, does not want to reconcile etc but that is the past, this is the present so start dealing with it. This situation you are in, it does not matter who or what caused it, it is the situation so deal with it and make the best possible out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
badbrit Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 SD. Time to blow her off, totally blow her off, she has always felt safe because you were the safety net. Yank it away, pull back, make it seem 100% that you are not there anymore and see how she likes it. DO NOT say pathetic whiney rubbish like, "I wanted this, loved u, great dad, family and you are the horrible person who did this and do not value anything". No, remain neutral and show INDIFFERENCE, show that you are slowly not caring in the slightest what she does, you have reached breaking point and it may have killed something inside you. Indifference is no emotion. It is showing nothing and indifference cannot be done with doing it then saying something or showing something. Has to be 100% consistant all the way. If it does not work and she does not react, well she never was going to. This falls into the same stuff I said before, SAY NOTHING, SHUT YOUR OVERWORKED AND EMOTIONAL MOUTH. When she told you of the BF, best reaction? Disgusted look in your face, disapppointed in her look in your face, let down look and no words, indifference. 100 times more effective than saying what you did. Move on now and see how she likes that. I said this ages ago, you are totally 100% incapable of controlling your emotions, being consistant, looking strong and doing what needs to be done and so you are almost guarenteed to fail. Harsh? yeah. Look up the word unbothered in the dictionary because you will see my face there. I am telling you the truth. Every single step of this thread could and can be predicted but you cannot seem to see anything. Expose the affair? Try to end it? WTF!!!!! Unbelievable how dumb some people are. Think of an old fashioned set of scales, one side the affair, other side you. Currently "affair" weighs more than you. Want it to end? Then find a way to make you weigh more. Exposing it annoys her, pushes her towards him to prove you all wrong, makes HIM see more attractive, makes you seem annoying and hard work. Makes his side even heavier. Sh**, I really can no longer be bothered with this thread because there is some god awful advice, ignorance and no learning or improvement. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Badbrit, When you did what you recommend for SD, did it bring your wife back? There seems no doubt that what SD is doing rarely if ever works. I'm puzzled though whether there is in fact anything that brings back a walkaway spouse. Perhaps the answer is that it simply makes no difference what he did do or does do in the future because first of all she probably isn't coming back and second if she does come back it will be for her own reasons? Let me put this another way. Can anyone share a success story of a walkaway spouse who got to the point of establishing a new home and then successfully returned for the long-term? I'm hoping to read of such a story but I have not yet. Can someone please prove this theory wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
badbrit Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Yes i have done that and got an estranged spouse back and no i do not want to give the details as I have realised that no one here listens. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Yes i have done that and got an estranged spouse back and no i do not want to give the details as I have realised that no one here listens. We are all ears... it's just that success stories are rare. How long was your wife out of the house? How long has she remained back with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 9, 2008 Author Share Posted September 9, 2008 I'm sure she rolled her eyes and then deleted it. No - she e-mailed that "#1 is not true" did not reject anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 9, 2008 Author Share Posted September 9, 2008 Are you gonna send it? Anyway, you never answered my question about that other Lady, well? Is she HOT? I sent the e-mail last night and she only responded that #1 is not true - she did not cheat. Neighbor is attractive... but too much baggage Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 I sent the e-mail last night and she only responded that #1 is not true - she did not cheat. If you have not established that she had the OM prior to your separation then she might be right. Despite your personal thoughts, I think most people accept that dating (and whatever goes with it) is acceptable during a separation unless you have a clear agreement to the contrary. That said, odds are she had at least an emotional affair prior to the separation and that is what spurred other things on. Neighbor is attractive... but too much baggage You don't have to marry her. Make a friend and have some fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 9, 2008 Author Share Posted September 9, 2008 SD. Time to blow her off, totally blow her off, she has always felt safe because you were the safety net. Yank it away, pull back, make it seem 100% that you are not there anymore and see how she likes it. DO NOT say pathetic whiney rubbish like, "I wanted this, loved u, great dad, family and you are the horrible person who did this and do not value anything". No, remain neutral and show INDIFFERENCE, show that you are slowly not caring in the slightest what she does, you have reached breaking point and it may have killed something inside you. Indifference is no emotion. It is showing nothing and indifference cannot be done with doing it then saying something or showing something. Has to be 100% consistant all the way. If it does not work and she does not react, well she never was going to. This falls into the same stuff I said before, SAY NOTHING, SHUT YOUR OVERWORKED AND EMOTIONAL MOUTH. When she told you of the BF, best reaction? Disgusted look in your face, disapppointed in her look in your face, let down look and no words, indifference. 100 times more effective than saying what you did. Move on now and see how she likes that. I said this ages ago, you are totally 100% incapable of controlling your emotions, being consistant, looking strong and doing what needs to be done and so you are almost guarenteed to fail. Harsh? yeah. Look up the word unbothered in the dictionary because you will see my face there. I am telling you the truth. Every single step of this thread could and can be predicted but you cannot seem to see anything. Expose the affair? Try to end it? WTF!!!!! Unbelievable how dumb some people are. Think of an old fashioned set of scales, one side the affair, other side you. Currently "affair" weighs more than you. Want it to end? Then find a way to make you weigh more. Exposing it annoys her, pushes her towards him to prove you all wrong, makes HIM see more attractive, makes you seem annoying and hard work. Makes his side even heavier. Sh**, I really can no longer be bothered with this thread because there is some god awful advice, ignorance and no learning or improvement. Sorry Badbrit - I am acting with my heart and doing what I feel is right at the moment... not following some concept of leaving her cold and see if she comes running back... I am trying to appeal to her convictions and morals which are currently distorted by her emotions... Again I still in my heart feel I need to know in my heart and soul that I did all that I could to save my marriage - moving on and living my separate life does not feel that I was doing all that I could. There was an incident - learning about the boyfriend that stirred up the waters - I am going to use that for a few days to show her how I feel before I go back to simply living my own independent life. I sent her an e-mail this morning before I logged into this forum that I will share with everyone - again it is against most advice I have received here... So far most advice is simply intended to spare me of any more hurt and telling me to move on in my life (as most others have learned that their marriages could not be saved or were in early stages of an affair but still the wayward spouse has conflicting emotions about what to do). I thing I have a limited window to stir things up - and produce some conflict in her between her emotions and her moral convictions - So I am seizing on that oppportunity for a short while... before I go back to living independently. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 9, 2008 Author Share Posted September 9, 2008 I think I have a limited window to stir things up - and produce some conflict in her between her emotions and her moral convictions - So I am seizing on that oppportunity for a short while... before I go back to living independently. I e-mailed this to her before I logged in to this forum: I am not trying to hurt or anger you. I am trying to show you that you are blinded by your emotions and are living in fantasy land - I am trying to show you the impact you are having in the real world - If you could only see things apart from your emotions At least you agree that you have not been honest, that you are not honoring your marital vows after only 3 1/2 years, and you are willing to give Brooke a broken home for the rest of her life, because right now you think that is the only way that you can be happy. That is not the only way you can be happy. I understand the pain you were going through - I am going through it now - so I am in a position to understand and make things right between us. I have learned what listening means... I have learned what your emotional needs are. I will be there for you is you just let me And #1 is also true You are legally married - currently you cannot re-marry because you are still married to me - You are committing Adultery by definition I wish you could just see that this boyfriend is giving you comfort and affection while convincing you that you should leave your husband, break up your family, and give Brooke a broken home, and see your daughter only half of the time for the rest of her life going forward Do you really think you can be fully happy in the long run when you see your daughter only half of the time ? No man can fill that void - at least not long term. None of this has to happen. We have our share of problems - but we can work on them - I certainly commit myself to making our marriage work I want you to be happy within our family - I will do every thing in my power to make that happen During this whole separation process, I have followed through on my word to you - I have shown you that I "set you free" because I love you, I have never lied to you, I have never wronged you, never tried to hurt you - I am just trying to have you see things in the real world. Giving you your freedom in the hopes that you will come back. I know we needed our space to understand where things were going wrong, to understand each other, understand what each other needs, and hopefully be able to reconcile It is not to late to correct things. We all make mistakes. We are all human. Most men would have give up a long time ago...my commitment to you during all of this shows you that I love you - there is nothing more powerful than that I can forgive things and love you if you start making the right decisions - my family can forgive things and love you too if you turn around and do the right things - I will make them understand - that is my promise to you Nothing is more important to me than having a complete and happy family - nothing Please don't wait until it is too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts