How to start from scratch in 12 mo separation ?

[SingleDad]

I guess I tend to wollow in misery too long - maybe I think such a devistating event on my life and my daughter's life should be greived over and not just picked up and move on like nothing happened.

 

But unfortunately - that is exactly what I have to do.

[TrustInYourself]

I guess I tend to wollow in misery too long - maybe I think such a devistating event on my life and my daughter's life should be greived over and not just picked up and move on like nothing happened.

 

But unfortunately - that is exactly what I have to do.

 

You'll have to face your divorce/separation, before you can move forward. Your wife had an affair and left you. Your soulmate betrayed you! It would be impossible to "just pick up and move on like nothing happened".

 

Deal with it. Learn from it. Don't forget the pain or sense of loss. Swim deep into the dark abyss of sadness and loss. Only come out stronger and brighter and wiser than before.

 

Don't just forget. You have an oppurtunity to learn and grow from this life experience. If you just forget, all this loss, pain, anger, agony, suffering will be for nothing. Use this to understand yourself and build on what makes you happy in the future.

 

Meh, right now. You just want to spiral into oblivion. Go for it. Spiral down down down until you feel like a pathetic piece of ****. After a few months of that, you'll realize that you're just wasting time feeling sorry for yourself. That's when you'll be ready to dust yourself off and stop blaming yourself for the end. Life goes on, bud. Stick it out and stay with us and there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

[Darth Vader]

Ahh, I know she is a bit jealous now.. I got custosy because at the time she didn't want custody, she was living in her fantasy world and didn't have time for the kids.. My gain. I filed for divorce and she was so wrapped up in her single life, she didn't even contest.. mY gain.. her loss! Found a much better wife afterwards!

 

 

Too bad you didn't go for child support! Is it too late to do that? I figure, why not? These women seem to not have any problem screwing over their husbands for money, why shouldn't we?

[Billy Bob]

Too bad you didn't go for child support! Is it too late to do that? I figure, why not? These women seem to not have any problem screwing over their husbands for money, why shouldn't we?

 

My wife does pay me child support... not very much as she doesn't make very much income. Like $430/mo.. not even enough to cover the after school daycare though....

[GettingThere]

Too bad you didn't go for child support! Is it too late to do that? I figure, why not? These women seem to not have any problem screwing over their husbands for money, why shouldn't we?

 

Just wanted to speak up for us women who aren't screwing over their husbands for money....in fact quite the opposite!! We don't all do it

[Darth Vader]

Just wanted to speak up for us women who aren't screwing over their husbands for money....in fact quite the opposite!! We don't all do it

 

 

True true, However I think you know as to whom I am refering to! The one's that do!

[Darth Vader]

My wife does pay me child support... not very much as she doesn't make very much income. Like $430/mo.. not even enough to cover the after school daycare though....

 

 

A heck of a lot better than nothing!:cool: Most men will never even see a dime! Have you thought about a different daycare?

[manymaliboo]

SD. Just found this site last night. I have read through your thread. WOW what a journey and yet I see a transformation, a slow one, but yet it is one. You have given me insight and hope. I didn't really think about so many people, men and woman, who have/do feel like I have and still do. I maybe a woman, but I to understand where you are coming from and how you think the way you do. It is hard to have another throw your dreams, your family away, without a thought. It's hard to watch our kids go through the mess that has been made. You have a great support system here. I too am in your cheering section. You can do it! Believe the light will shine again!

 

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts/feelings with all of us. Know it couldn't/can't be easy, but know that your story/journey has helped others, it has helped me!

[SingleDad]

Stop trying because you want to, not because these other people tell you to.

 

The real reason should be the reaction your wife gives you when you try to convince her of your worth.

 

Also your emotional state should give you some indications on the effectiveness of your approach.

 

All True - what works ?? Nothing works... I am giving up trying with a person who just doesn't care anymore...

 

I have to live for myself and be the best I can be for my daughter.

[SingleDad]

SD, you're going to be fine! Lots of us here were right where you are at... although you seem to be taking longer to transition. I would have to say 2 years after my divorce that I am happier now than I ever was married to my ex-wife. However, if you would have told me that amid the heartbreak 3 years ago I would never have believed you.

 

I was completely worthless at work for a year, I used to cry about the state of my health and marriage.. sit in the bathroom at work an just cry. Worry about my children, what was going to happen to them..

 

One day I finally woke up and said "I want to be happy", she threatened divorce for like the 4th time, and I just said "OK".

 

From that point on I decided to live for me and my kids, not her. She didn't know how good she had it.

 

There is life after divorce! SD, you will be happy again. You just need to get to the stage where you say "I want to be happy" and be done with her!

 

I think it has taken my so much longer - because we are legally separated not divorced and I was convincing myself that I had 12 months to try to make a difference in my wife's attitude - convincing myself that my changes and having a young daughter together that my W will some day see then light.

 

She doesn't - likely blinded by being "in love" with an OM.

 

I have to learn to live for me now... If W comes back fine - If not, well I'll still make it.

[SingleDad]

Stop trying because you want to, not because these other people tell you to.

 

The real reason should be the reaction your wife gives you when you try to convince her of your worth.

 

Also your emotional state should give you some indications on the effectiveness of your approach.

 

True - nothing I was trying to do was having anthing but negative impact... I'm done trying.

[SingleDad]

SD I am at the same place you are. I noticed in your sig that your separation day was June 12, so was mine. We have both been separated from our wives the same amount of time, both our wives have moved on to another man, I can really feel what you are feeling. Sometimes it hurts most when I think about her with another man, sometimes it hurts more to think that I will possibly never be able to hold her or kiss her again. It is simply a terrible terrible feeling.

 

Try not to let it get to you too much how everyone is yelling at you what to do, I know you mean to do the best and it sounds mean what people are telling you - but they have moved past the place where we are and do have wisdom on the subject. But right now it is VERY hard - I am right there with you. I cry constantly, more than I have in my life. I wake up in the middle of the night sobbing, wanting to call my STBXW, almost broke down and did so last night. But I remembered how harmful this would be to both my emotional well being, and to the relationship with my STBX. I do want to stay on friendly terms with the mother of my kids. I know that no matter what I say or do will not change her mind. I am completely heartbroken, but I get up and get through each day and each day I am glad to have survived it. Little by little, it will get better - I know this. Life goes on. My daughter hugs and kisses me every day when she is here, she makes me smile no matter how much my heart hurts. I have no advice for you but just want you to know you are not alone!

 

Thank You LostHusband - We are in the same place - nothing we do changes anything - it's too far gone... It took months for me to understand that... Now its trying to get past that loss and move on for myself and my daughter.

[LostHusband]

It took the reality of my wife being in another relationship for me to finally realize I need to let go. Letting go is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, but I also believe it is the final stage and once I am past it, I will be not just ok, but great!

[SingleDad]

You'll have to face your divorce/separation, before you can move forward. Your wife had an affair and left you. Your soulmate betrayed you! It would be impossible to "just pick up and move on like nothing happened".

 

Deal with it. Learn from it. Don't forget the pain or sense of loss. Swim deep into the dark abyss of sadness and loss. Only come out stronger and brighter and wiser than before.

 

Don't just forget. You have an oppurtunity to learn and grow from this life experience. If you just forget, all this loss, pain, anger, agony, suffering will be for nothing. Use this to understand yourself and build on what makes you happy in the future.

 

Meh, right now. You just want to spiral into oblivion. Go for it. Spiral down down down until you feel like a pathetic piece of ****. After a few months of that, you'll realize that you're just wasting time feeling sorry for yourself. That's when you'll be ready to dust yourself off and stop blaming yourself for the end. Life goes on, bud. Stick it out and stay with us and there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I have been through a few months of feeling the anguish and the terrible loss and blaming myself... I do think it is time to move on and thing about my own needs and my own life. I thing I am startin gto get tired of hurting...

 

My Job has come under jeopardy due to my misery - If I do not kick this right away - I could lose my job, then my house, then my W would try to tale custody away from me if I do not have a good home.

 

Nothing good can come anymore from being in misery.

 

I need to learn to move on and be content with my life.

[SingleDad]

SD. Just found this site last night. I have read through your thread. WOW what a journey and yet I see a transformation, a slow one, but yet it is one. You have given me insight and hope. I didn't really think about so many people, men and woman, who have/do feel like I have and still do. I maybe a woman, but I to understand where you are coming from and how you think the way you do. It is hard to have another throw your dreams, your family away, without a thought. It's hard to watch our kids go through the mess that has been made. You have a great support system here. I too am in your cheering section. You can do it! Believe the light will shine again!

 

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts/feelings with all of us. Know it couldn't/can't be easy, but know that your story/journey has helped others, it has helped me!

 

Yes it is a long journey and if you follow the thread in entirety - you can certainly learn from the experience the hard way - the way I did it.

 

My marriage is nearly hopeless... I will continue to have hope - I do still have another 9 months - which is likely the amount of time it took for my marriage to fall apart.

 

The difference now, is I realize that I can do nothing to change my W's thought process - nothing I do can work - It is just seen as controlling - or twisted into something only a WAS could twist.

 

I have to go on - live for myself - try to be happy in my own right... On my own - without any intentional attempts to date - for now - at least that is the way I see it today.

[SingleDad]

It took the reality of my wife being in another relationship for me to finally realize I need to let go. Letting go is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, but I also believe it is the final stage and once I am past it, I will be not just ok, but great!

 

I think that is what happened to me - fighting it, fighting it, fighting it - then learning that my W has a boyfriend - and still nothing I can do... all made me realize that my W is in a different world... completely different thoughts... seemingly not a care in the world about what she is doing and the impact on her daughter. She actually thinks my daughter will be better off if you can believe that..

 

So I will live my own life and try to appreciate that I do have my daughter 3 overnights each week (effectively), rather than focus on the 4 nights that I do not have her... and that it is my W who is really making all of the wrong choices... I have tried my best to have my W see that I could be everything she wants - but is blinded by her own emotions.

[Gunny376]

THE BUZZARD

If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6' x 8' and is entirely open at the

top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner.

The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a

run of 10-12'. Without space to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt

to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.

 

THE BAT

The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkably nimble creature

in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor

or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and painfully until

it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the

air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.

 

THE BUMBLEBEE

A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies,

unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but

persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.

 

PEOPLE

In many ways, we are like the buzzard, the bat and the bumblebee. We

struggle about with all our problems and frustrations, never realizing that all we have to do is look up. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up... Live simply, love generously, care deeply and speak kindly.

 

May your troubles be less, your blessings more, and may nothing but

happiness come through your door.

 

 

 

So often it happens that we go through Life in chains never knowing we hold the keys!

[LostHusband]

That's awesome.

[n9688m]

without any intentional attempts to date

 

I think if there is even a sliver of hope for your wife to come back, it just might be after seeing that you are involved with someone else.

 

It's a win-win. If dating brings her back, you win back your wife. If dating doesn't bring her back, then you have started to move on with your life.

 

And who knows - you might get involved with someone you like so much that you turn your wife down if/when you get "The Call" from her.

 

You also mentioned difficulties focusing at work and the domino effect from that. If you start dating someone you like, you just might get a smile back on your face both at work and outside of work. That could make you more effective overall - at work, at home, with your daughter. Ironically that might also make you more attractive to your STBXW.

[Sup]

All True - what works ?? Nothing works... I am giving up trying with a person who just doesn't care anymore...

 

I have to live for myself and be the best I can be for my daughter.

 

 

It looks like you're hitting the Indifference stage. Like you don't care anymore. Time to move on.

[Navin_R_Johnson]

So often it happens that we go through Life in chains never knowing we hold the keys!

 

Heard that song on the radio the other day. Sometimes I hear the song, but not the lyrics. Good one.

[SingleDad]

I think if there is even a sliver of hope for your wife to come back, it just might be after seeing that you are involved with someone else.

 

It's a win-win. If dating brings her back, you win back your wife. If dating doesn't bring her back, then you have started to move on with your life.

 

And who knows - you might get involved with someone you like so much that you turn your wife down if/when you get "The Call" from her.

 

You also mentioned difficulties focusing at work and the domino effect from that. If you start dating someone you like, you just might get a smile back on your face both at work and outside of work. That could make you more effective overall - at work, at home, with your daughter. Ironically that might also make you more attractive to your STBXW.

 

Possibly - who knows.... I have taken off my ring - so at least I've taken off the "I'm married and unavailable" symbol.

 

I finally went to the Gym for the first time in 7 years... ( I broke that anxiety). There was an incredibly attractive woman (among several other women there)that I had an eye on there working out on a Sun afternoon - who knows maybe I'll bump into her sometime. Never been good and meeting strangers that way though.

[n9688m]

Possibly - who knows.... I have taken off my ring - so at least I've taken off the "I'm married and unavailable" symbol.

 

That's surely a good start.

 

Never been good and meeting strangers that way though.

 

Well you are surely good at making friends online - you have demonstrated that on this Forum. So why not try online dating sites like match.com or Yahoo personals?

[SingleDad]

That's surely a good start.

 

 

 

Well you are surely good at making friends online - you have demonstrated that on this Forum. So why not try online dating sites like match.com or Yahoo personals?

 

I was on match.com and saves a few matches I liked... but haven't established a membership... I'm thinking that would be too actively persuing dating, where I'm not sure I'm ready... but if something just happens, it might be different.

 

I don't know - maybe I'm wanting to start with positive interactions to build up some confidence without actually starting dating or relationship yet.

[n9688m]

I don't know - maybe I'm wanting to start with positive interactions to build up some confidence without actually starting dating or relationship yet.

 

Well only you know when you are ready.

 

You can easily search on match for women who are also Separated, in which case they would be in the same boat in terms of building confidence getting back into dating.