Author SingleDad Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 Morning sickness? Ouch - Thanks for the wake up call Owl...that would be even more devestating. I do not know - and a good part of me doesn't even care. I mostly just hope some day that she learns she has made a serious mistake and regrets it deeply. I have been just living my own separate life with virtually no interactions with her. I am thinking It might be time to start dating myself... I'm tired of being lonely. I do not deserve this... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 Should I e-mail her if it's morning sickness ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 No - can't be morning sickness.... She's on the pill and I'm sure will continue to be... She is not ready for another child... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 Wasn't meant to be harsh, but was meant for you to consider as a possibility. And...nothing is garaunteed here. You THINK she's on the pill...but there's no way to know...you don't live with her anymore. There's all kinds of insanity that goes on during an affair...this could be part of it. Or it could be an accident...or whatever. Or it could be a bad case of flu... But its a possibility that you would do well to think about. The other side of this is...if you're moving on...and moving towards divorce...don't dwell on it...just get her out of your system and your life. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 What did I tell you way back when regarding the significance of her asking the mediator whether it was okay to date during the separation and also the meaning behind that screamfest she issued when you visited her home unannounced? By the way, had she ever even invited you into her home before this occasion or did she still meet you at the front door? Its also no wonder that she demanded that you make your child sleep in her own bed when at your home for if she wandered into mommy's room during her playtime she'd see things that might scar her for life! From here on out you are to meet her at the curb, driveway, or front porch when she brings your daughter to your home for, from now on, she is persona non grata! You are to reflect the same lack of courtesy and respect that she has shown you throughout this ordeal. Also, if I've said it once I've said it a million times...limit all conversation with her to that regarding your child because she has a boyfriend for idle chit chat so begin screening her calls to be sure of it. It is truly time to show her the cold shoulder and step into your future with fire and vinegar! You do not have to maintain an amicable relationship with her for the time being but, instead, remain civil and aloof. You no longer owe her any favors so the kid gloves can come off when it comes to custody considerations for it shows extremely poor judgment on her part to bring a man into her home for intimacy purposes during this extremely trying period of adjustment for your child. I'd also reiterate that she has been using and abusing your time to create openings in her schedule regarding her need to change times for child maintenance in furtherance of her need to be alone with her OM to solidify their relationship so stop being so accomodating. Structure your life so that when it is your turn to have your child your time is unimpeded and make her stick to the same schedule no matter what her circumstances are! I'd advise that you have your daughter seen by a child psychologist regarding the temper tantrums without your stbx's knowledge to use as possible leverage to gain custodial custody until she is old enough to understand and accept what her mother is doing. As far as demanding that you follow her lead on childrearing, I'd say she has lost all credibility as the subject matter expert on that issue so inform her that you will do your own research on the matter and make your own decisions on that front from here on out. I'd also find out who the OM is and expose her affair to anyone with an ear to hear! You didn't believe that your wife was capable of having an affair or initiating a new relationship so soon after she left so please don't be surprised at the news of an unplanned pregnancy on her part for she has shown herself to be capable of anything and everything! Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 ouch..................... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 The worst part is she is sleeping with him while she has my daughter. SD - no question I empathize with so much that your ex has done to you. But what difference does it really make if she sleeps with someone while your daughter is there? Sure if she establishes a revolving door that would set a bad example. But the truth is that your daughter will ultimately have a stepdad and a stepmom - that's reality. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 The body of this marriage wasn't even cold yet she's already unscrewing lightbulbs with her feet and getting rugburns on her forehead as her daughter tries to sleep down the hall?!! The fact that their daughter is helpless to make any decisions and is being jerked two and fro between households while having to adjust to another man in her mother's house so soon after the stbx moved out is stressing the poor child out so much that she's resorted to having temper tantrums to express her fear and unhappiness. Yes, it is reasonable to expect SD and his stbx to start relationships in the future but for the stbx to inflict these momentous changes upon this child without deference to the transitional time needed to adjust to the new environment totally ignores the significance of its impact upon her emotional state and develpment. His stbx is behaving in a thoughless and selfish manner beyond the extreme on this issue and should be made to face some kind of consequence for her actions! Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 His stbx is behaving in a thoughless and selfish manner beyond the extreme on this issue and should be made to face some kind of consequence for her actions! Even if that is true by some people's morals, I think it's a futile issue to pursue. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 This is not an issue regarding morality. If her behavior is negatively affecting the well being of the child you better believe it has significant bearing on who the courts will award custodial custody in the divorce! Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 This is not an issue regarding morality. If her behavior is negatively affecting the well being of the child you better believe it has significant bearing on who the courts will award custodial custody in the divorce! That is extremely hard to prove. Virtually impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 If he has a report from a reputable child psychologist affirming his concerns and supporting his position the courts will at least be required to consider the merits of these facts before rendering their decison. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 If he has a report from a reputable child psychologist affirming his concerns and supporting his position the courts will at least be required to consider the merits of these facts before rendering their decison. Many reputable psychologists will not render opinions in custody cases unless they were appointed impartially by the court. In any event, on what basis could a psychologist conclude that his wife sleeping with someone else has caused harm to his child? I think it's a pretty big stretch and likely to be futile in court. If his goal is to get more than 50% custody of his kids then the barrier is extremely high for him to prove that is warranted. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 We could go round and round on this all day long. My advice to SD is to check it out for he must still address the escalating temper tantrums anyways. SD, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying! Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 We could go round and round on this all day long. My advice to SD is to check it out for he must still address the escalating temper tantrums anyways. SD, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying! What does he have to gain? He has almost 50% custody now. Gaining full custody would be a loss, not a gain. Like it or not, kids need 2 parents. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Then she might be paying him child support! You'd better believe that she was clocking SD's pocket all throughout her affair prior to leaving him in order to juice him for all that she could get. If he can return the favor in this mean season then I say more power to hime! Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Then she might be paying him child support! You'd better believe that she was clocking SD's pocket all throughout her affair prior to leaving him in order to juice him for all that she could get. If he can return the favor in this mean season then I say more power to hime! My point is that if he won more than 50% custody, it would be a loss for his child, not a gain. Children do best with two parents, and what is described here does not come even slightly close to the threshold for disqualifying her as a parent. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Currently, his stbx retains more than 50% custody and I'd hazard that her move to retain this percentage has more to do with her strategy to secure child support than her zeal to consider what's in this child's best interests. I can only imagine the life this 3 year old leads when under her mother's thumb with no-one else to turn to. "Time out".."Go stand in the corner".."Go to your room" is heard for every little perceived infraction if ever the child fusses in her attempt to communicate her unhappiness with this new living arrangement. Add to that, her forced acceptance of a strange new man imposing his will upon the household before she has a chance to breath is creating more confusion, fear, and anxiety in a mind too young to comprehend what's happening, especially with the speed the changes have come. By the time SD gets her she's fit to be tied which leaves him dealing with escalating temper tantrums and other behavioral problems. Maybe this is no big deal to you but I take extreme exception to bulldozing children in this manner. If this child's life can be made more comfortable and normalized living the majority of her time under SD's roof then I just don't see why anyone would still insist that she continue to live the majority of her time in her mother's house of chaos only to grow more frustrated, angry, and despondent! JMO! Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 By the time SD gets her she's fit to be tied which leaves him dealing with escalating temper tantrums and other behavioral problems. Maybe this is no big deal to you but I take extreme exception to bulldozing children in this manner. If this child's life can be made more comfortable and normalized living the majority of her time under SD's roof then I just don't see why anyone would still insist that she continue to live the majority of her time in her mother's house of chaos only to grow more frustrated, angry, and despondent! JMO! Even accepting this as true, the odds of getting a change in custody status based on this reasoning is about nil. There needs to be evidence of overt physical abuse/injury or abandonment or drug use in front of chidlren or items of that degree of an objective and severe nature. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 If an adult can cite emotional abuse as a mitigating factor for suing in divorce then surely the courts are wise enough to consider this same impact on the behavioral development of a child. Under this premise I continue my stance to advise SD to have the matter thoroughly investigated by a professional psychologist. If nothing comes up of it then nothing comes of it but at least an effort has been made to resolve this child's distress! Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 If an adult can cite emotional abuse as a mitigating factor for suing in divorce then surely the courts are wise enough to consider this same impact on the behavioral development of a child. Under this premise I continue my stance to advise SD to have the matter thoroughly investigated by a professional psychologist. If nothing comes up of it then nothing comes of it but at least an effort has been made to resolve this child's distress! This is a case of fighting windmills. He has far bigger issues to devote his time, money, and emotional energy to based upon his prior posts. The stated facts here do not come even close to 'emotional abuse' of a degree family court would be interested in. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Well I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. Know this, however, that my younger brother, who divorced his wife due to her infidelity and proved his case in his request for primary custody based in part on the facts that I alliterated to when she immediately set-up house with her OM and his son began showing signs of behavioral problems, demonstrates that the courts do seriously have the best interests of the child at heart. Stranger things have happened so never say never! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted November 11, 2008 Author Share Posted November 11, 2008 nm & PP: I appreciate the conviction of both arguments and I agree with many of the points raised by both sides. Unfortunately I do not have the financial resources nor strength anymore to fight an uphill and losing battle. As it is, I am losing cash flow every month. While I do believe my Ex has been living an outright lie, is more than selfish and has the the temper of the devil, I do not think there are any legal actions I can take. I have learned from my attorney early on that unless there is physical abuse or sexual acts performed in front of my daughter, there is little that can be done to get full custody. I am only one overnight short in 14 days from a 50% custody. And we share joint legal and physical custody of my daughter. As far as child support, the only way that can terminate is if my daughter changes her permanent residence to my house - and my Ex will never let that happen. The legal costs to fight it would be more than I am paying in child support. While I agree with the moral implications and psychological impact this will have on my daughter as described by PP, I think nm's real life scenario is what will have to come to pass. I am hurting by my Ex's actions and the detrimental impact it will have on my daughter... but realize that those actions are the same thing that happens my many divorces. Yet I may request (politely if I can) for that additional night to have a full 50%/50% time - as my Ex seems to be more interested in starting a new life with a new man that in spending quality time alone with my daughter. I need to move on with my life. I need to start dating. Half of everything I owned is now gone... more significantly... virtually all of my self worth and purpose is erased. My daughter has started calling me by my first name and "buddy" instead of Daddy - - you have no idea how much that hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 My daughter has started calling me by my first name and "buddy" instead of Daddy - - you have no idea how much that hurts. I can empathize there - who taught her to do that? Link to post Share on other sites
badbrit Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Ever heard the expression that there is three sides to every story - his side of the story, her side of the story and then there is the truth. A whole lot of assumptions being made here without people ever having met SD, his daughter or his stbxw and a lot of crazy thought processes. Example - how do you know that the stbxw is not madly in love, happy and living a productive and good life with the new partner? How do you not know that they are giving a stable and good home to the child and being considerate and showing love. How do you know that he is not coming around late at night when the child should be fast asleep and if she has been raised and taught correctly, will be asleep all night? Frankly, you dont. How do you know that these behaviour problems are real and not SD exaggerating and inflicting his own pain into the situation to make her look bad and him to look great to ease his own pain. How do you know that it is not HIM causing the problem ie the daughter has a nice happy home with mommy, loads of activities, eating well, gets loads of laughter and attention from mum etc and then goes to bitter, twisted SD's home who is always angry, upset, cooing over stbxw, always depressed etc and creating a negative vibe which is upsetting the daughter? Frankly, you are making assumptions without knowing s h i t, I am not saying it is like this, maybe SD is right but you are all talking with zero and I do mean ZERO truthful knowledge of the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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