Author SingleDad Posted September 15, 2008 Author Share Posted September 15, 2008 Well only you know when you are ready. You can easily search on match for women who are also Separated, in which case they would be in the same boat in terms of building confidence getting back into dating. Every single one I found appealing was 29 and Single without kids and looking for just the that "right guy" to settle down with. Only one was 37 divorced and with a 4 yo - her ad came down as soon as I saw it. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Every single one I found appealing was 29 and Single without kids and looking for just the that "right guy" to settle down with. Only one was 37 divorced and with a 4 yo - her ad came down as soon as I saw it. Well congratulations... now you are "looking".... that's a start. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Online dating, roflcakes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 15, 2008 Author Share Posted September 15, 2008 TIY - How are you holding up since you've accepted things a bit more? Is work looking up? I hope so! Still a daily challenge... It might end up I have my daughter all week... I have her on tues, plus for vacation Thurs and Fri plus the usual weekend. Now my W called and said she may need to work nights this week - So I may have my daughter on Mon and Wed as well. But then I guess I'd lose her a couple nights next week.... Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 TIY - How are you holding up since you've accepted things a bit more? Is work looking up? I hope so! Still a daily challenge... It might end up I have my daughter all week... I have her on tues, plus for vacation Thurs and Fri plus the usual weekend. Now my W called and said she may need to work nights this week - So I may have my daughter on Mon and Wed as well. But then I guess I'd lose her a couple nights next week.... I would refuse to give up my nights the next week. It's not your fault your wife's schedule conflicts with her time to watch your daughter. Why should you have to accomodate her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 15, 2008 Author Share Posted September 15, 2008 Because it works the same in reverse - In October I have to work on Saturday's and I try to switch them for sunday's.... So if we continue to cooperate with each other - we do not need to give up days when work schedules conflict.... just agree to negotiate and switch them. And that works better - because I have my daughter more time when I am free and less when I am busy I generally have more work conflicts than W does. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Because it works the same in reverse - In October I have to work on Saturday's and I try to switch them for sunday's.... So if we continue to cooperate with each other - we do not need to give up days when work schedules conflict.... just agree to negotiate and switch them. And that works better - because I have my daughter more time when I am free and less when I am busy I generally have more work conflicts than W does. Very cool. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Because it works the same in reverse - In October I have to work on Saturday's and I try to switch them for sunday's.... So if we continue to cooperate with each other - we do not need to give up days when work schedules conflict.... just agree to negotiate and switch them. And that works better - because I have my daughter more time when I am free and less when I am busy I generally have more work conflicts than W does. That all makes sense. But this is what stinks about divorce. She decided to break her vows and now you are stuck with this stuff for 16 years. Where is the karma in that? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 I read somewhere that divorce rarely ends with both spouses ending up happily ever after. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 I read somewhere that divorce rarely ends with both spouses ending up happily ever after. I also read somewhere that divorce rarely ends with either spouse ending up happily ever after. Nor the kids - the Wallerstein study is clear on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 15, 2008 Author Share Posted September 15, 2008 That all makes sense. But this is what stinks about divorce. She decided to break her vows and now you are stuck with this stuff for 16 years. Where is the karma in that? That is where I have some minimal thread of hope - being separated and having to live this life for 12 months at a minimum - may have that chance to realize divorce is not all it is cracked up to be. I have learned this from this experience. To date - my W is loving her freedom with a man in her wings and getting all of the love and attention from him - while she can unload her daughter to me nearly half of the time so she can live her fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 That is where I have some minimal thread of hope - being separated and having to live this life for 12 months at a minimum - may have that chance to realize divorce is not all it is cracked up to be. That sounds logical - but she acted on emotion, not logic. And I haven't heard a single story yet of someone in that situation where the STBXW moved back home and stayed home. I've posted several times asking for such a story and haven't gotten one yet. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Uh, me...so far. I guess I could blow it though. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 Uh, me...so far. I guess I could blow it though. How long was she gone? How long has she been back so far? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 Why would you expect her to want/do anything different if she's not suffering any kind of consequences at all for her choices? She's got exactly what she wants...you've given it to her on a platter. There's no reason to expect a change at this point...unless something changes the equation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 22, 2008 Author Share Posted September 22, 2008 Out of the blue, my wife today e-mailed me mean comments that said I was ruining her reputation by spreading "lies or untrue rumors" through the grapevine and that I "can't keep my mouth shut" that she has never "cheated" on me. And If I didn't leave her alone, she would "request an early divorce". That I have already done enough "damage to her life" I asked her what the heck she was talking about... I would never spread rumors about her... Why would I do that if I just want my family back. (I honestly can't think of anyone I talked to). She replied that our daughter was her only immediate family (i.e. I was never her family). I just do not understand how she twists everything in her mind... Her perceptions are just so distorted... It seems like she truly has split personalities...like someone else was sending messages from her PDA. Is there ever any way I can break through this ??? I just do not understand why she is so scorned and twisted ?? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 Ignore her. She's seeing if she has your emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 Wow, that sucks - it seems as though she is still very knee deep in a venom pool and clearly is blaming you for some sideways news that came to her. Don't fall for it though. She may just be fishing to see if you do have a breach of non disclosure towards her. Even with this being her decision, it will always be your fault for the time being. Do your best to just roll w/ the punches. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Karma101 Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 And I haven't heard a single story yet of someone in that situation where the STBXW moved back home and stayed home. I've got a story. I dated a "divorcing" man for about 9 months recently. They had been physically separated for just over a year and lived in separate rooms for several months before he actually left the house. She cheated and remained in a realtionship with this OM throughout the duration of the separation. One week before final divorce mediation, she decided she wanted to reconcile. She was absolutely vile to this man during the time I dated him. Downright mean. But, when push came to shove and reality of the divorce set in, she seemed to have a change of heart. Maybe she needed that year of separation to get her head straight. Maybe she just got scared and will end up pulling the same crap again. Regardless, they are trying to work it out, and in his own words, "No one is more surprised by her change of heart than me!" So, I guess it does happen! Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 I'm always to blame as well. I know it's not true though. You should know that too. We're not the cause of our wife's unhappiness. She's the cause of her own unhappiness and I'm sick of being a part of that twisted cycle. She has made no changes and I've made quite a few. I'm still me...but I feel like I can't force her to be the woman I need. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 She was absolutely vile to this man during the time I dated him. Downright mean. But, when push came to shove and reality of the divorce set in, she seemed to have a change of heart. Wow that's interesting. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Karma101 Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 Quote: Originally Posted by Karma101 She was absolutely vile to this man during the time I dated him. Downright mean. But, when push came to shove and reality of the divorce set in, she seemed to have a change of heart. Wow that's interesting. thanks Don't get me wrong. Her sudden, overnight change of heart seems suspicious, and they have an uphill battle before them. I sincerely question her motives, but I may be a bit biased! Sadly, he has the opportunity to possibly reignite a marriage of 20 years and from what he tells me, they just seem to be doing it wrong. And by that, I mean going against textbook marital reconciliation 101, which is sad because in these cases, you probably don't have much more than one REAL chance to make it work. My point, if that woman came back, I am inclined to believe that there is hope for anyone in a similar situation. On a side note, as soon as she realized that he was seemingly happy, living his life and in a realtionship with someone else, BOOM! He wasn't even trying to win her back. He was moving on with his life (albeit sad at the loss of his marriage), which included finally proceeding with the divorce. When she knew he meant business, she came-a calling. We always want what we can't have. It's human nature. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 22, 2008 Author Share Posted September 22, 2008 It's more than that... I do not think she is testing me to see if she still has influence on me. We have had so little contact lately, but she did call me this morning about the clothes my daughter was wearing... I made a comment about how difficult is it to spend time with our daughter half the time. She said she did have to admit that it is very difficult for her to do. Then said she didn't mean to call and make me meloncholy. Oh - I just learned what it was. I was talking with a former co-worker of hers (who had already left the company and was also recently divorced) about 4 months ago - to dig into whether he knew if she was having an affair. Apparently - he mentioned it to her boss who mentioned it to my W today - my W was pissed and e-mailed me. (incidently it is my belief that it is her Boss who is the most likely OM). Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 It's more than that... I do not think she is testing me to see if she still has influence on me. We have had so little contact lately, but she did call me this morning about the clothes my daughter was wearing... I made a comment about how difficult is it to spend time with our daughter half the time. She said she did have to admit that it is very difficult for her to do. Then said she didn't mean to call and make me meloncholy. Oh - I just learned what it was. I was talking with a former co-worker of hers (who had already left the company and was also recently divorced) about 4 months ago - to dig into whether he knew if she was having an affair. Apparently - he mentioned it to her boss who mentioned it to my W today - my W was pissed and e-mailed me. (incidently it is my belief that it is her Boss who is the most likely OM). Is her boss married? or was he married? Still married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 22, 2008 Author Share Posted September 22, 2008 No - her boss is married with kids and is a Jehovah's Witness - very very religious... I spoke with the person again just now who was inquiring about it 4 months ago... He reminded me that her boss can't be the OM. Doesn't know how now 4 months or more later that her boss hears the "I am spreading rumors" and tells my W about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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