TrustInYourself Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 But I thought she was with the OM? Doesn't that make that a truth you are telling, rather than a rumor? It's only a rumor if you don't take responsibility for spreading it. 1: talk or opinion widely disseminated with no discernible source 2: a statement or report current without known authority for its truth 3:archaic : talk or report of a notable person or event 4: a soft low indistinct sound : murmur Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 23, 2008 Author Share Posted September 23, 2008 My W slipped once and told me she has a BF... but continues to backtrack and said today that she only went on a couple of dates. Thus my W is trying to say there is no BF and if there was it's appropriate because we are legally separated and she can do anything she wants. Thus the BF is a "rumor" and not a "fact" Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 My W slipped once and told me she has a BF... but continues to backtrack and said today that she only went on a couple of dates. Thus my W is trying to say there is no BF and if there was it's appropriate because we are legally separated and she can do anything she wants. Thus the BF is a "rumor" and not a "fact" Hmm, that's so nice of her to clarify and clear her honorable name in the same beautiful swoop. LOL. How are you doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 23, 2008 Author Share Posted September 23, 2008 Taking one day at a time. Days are better when I have my D2, worse when I don't have her. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 I'm glad to hear you are doing okay. Let me tell you, lack of drama > plenty of drama. Be cool. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 23, 2008 Author Share Posted September 23, 2008 I swear my W is two different people. After yesterday's fiasco, she called today all happy and offered to stop by my house tomorrow to show me my daughter's professional photos from daycare - so I can pick out any pictures I'd like to order. I guess the all of the threats and accusations she threw at me yesterday are just history. sure - fine - whatever I guess I will need to put on my happy face - maybe make some pasta sauce to make the place smell appealing and homey. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 I swear my W is two different people. After yesterday's fiasco, she called today all happy and offered to stop by my house tomorrow to show me my daughter's professional photos from daycare - so I can pick out any pictures I'd like to order. I guess the all of the threats and accusations she threw at me yesterday are just history. sure - fine - whatever I guess I will need to put on my happy face - maybe make some pasta sauce to make the place smell appealing and homey. Have your neighbor over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 26, 2008 Author Share Posted September 26, 2008 My W stopped over Wed eve to have my look at pictures. I didn't give my W any attention and cut her stay short by saying that D and I were going to the park before it gets dark. My D2.5 who wanted to go to the park, pushed my W away and told my W "Mommy leave" My W was obviously upset. My W called later that eve and talked for over an hour about how to raise my daughter right, discipline, co-parenting, etc. I just listened and avoided arguing - not worth it anymore (even though I disagree with her stricter parenting methods). Part of her lecturing me reminded me of why there are good aspects of being apart. Now again going through withdrawal - not seeing my D again until Tues. eve. Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted September 27, 2008 Share Posted September 27, 2008 My W stopped over Wed eve to have my look at pictures. I didn't give my W any attention and cut her stay short by saying that D and I were going to the park before it gets dark. My D2.5 who wanted to go to the park, pushed my W away and told my W "Mommy leave" My W was obviously upset. My W called later that eve and talked for over an hour about how to raise my daughter right, discipline, co-parenting, etc. I just listened and avoided arguing - not worth it anymore (even though I disagree with her stricter parenting methods). Part of her lecturing me reminded me of why there are good aspects of being apart. Now again going through withdrawal - not seeing my D again until Tues. eve. That tells you right there that your Daughter knows something on a different level, she may not know what's been going on, but, she knows that something isn't right! It's been said that childering can sense evil. Do you see that your STBXW is very controling by the way she lectures you on how to raise your daughter? You'll notice more as you go, however you need to contact a Men's Rights lawyer and protect your assests man, before your STBXW screws you over in court! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 28, 2008 Author Share Posted September 28, 2008 Well at least I can raise my daughter my way the half time that she is with me. But this is one of the weekends when I do not have my D2.5. It is lonely and quiet and I'm sad. Try to keep busy so I don't think about it... but I still think about it. Cleaned the house yesterday. Today I brought work home to catch up on my work - I have to cut down on my posting. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted September 28, 2008 Share Posted September 28, 2008 Hey SD... just caught up on your thread. The with drawls regarding your child... are terrible ... but it does get easy later on.... I for one...when ever I gave up my son to go back to his mother's place... I, always felt is was the last time I would ever see him again...ever! It was horrible. I now see him ever week... 2 days... pretty regular.... and he calls me quite often... Not so long ago...over the phone.... he read to me some of the book he was reading.... before he went to bed. ....that made my night... Of course you would wish for something better... that you ... I ...well all of us... had met someone and had a child with them.... and we all lived happily ever after..... but it did not happen. It takes a while to get ones head around that.... it is what it is... you can do nothing about it... and the sooner we figure that out... the better we are of. We can then concentrate on what we can do... and that is be the best parent we can be... when we have are kid/s with us... Trust me... this took me over 2 years to figure out.... and it is only TRULY entrenched for about a month or so now... before... I knew it... but I don't think I was 100% convinced... I am now. I was told over and over again... you will get there... one day.... (over and over and over....etc) IT DOES GET EASIER.... its is just a matter of time... ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted September 28, 2008 Author Share Posted September 28, 2008 Thanks ILMW Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted October 16, 2008 Author Share Posted October 16, 2008 Nothing has changed. Just logging in to say I'm still here. I've had to focus on keeping my job and serving clients... with this stock market turbulance, my hands are full. We laid off 10% of our workforce and the rest of us have a 10% pay-cut to help reduce our losses - it was hard enough before. Been working 13 hours a day and had to defer 4 days with my daughter. Virtually no contact with my STBXW. She has called a couple of times asking what's going on with the stock market - I have basically not said anything to her... Not sure if she is calling me because I'm not calling her - or if she is worried about her money - or if she wants to look smart to her collegues... she has never before shown an interest in my work or the market or economy. I'm not planning on checking back in here to much. Need to keep working... and frankly the idle time and actively thinking about the separation just depress me. I'm not sure if you can consider me "Getting a Life"... but the my job with the stock market crash has been keeping me too busy to think about it. The cost of paying off STBXW marital assets through maxing out my home equity loan, the stock market crash and now a 10% pay cut.... I do not know how I will manage to enjoy myself... I have budgeted $50 to $75 per week for all food, entertainment, and household supplies - less than a tank of gas. I am advising that we will have a deep recesson lasting at least 2 years or longer. This is my worst year ever - all around. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Good to hear you are still alive. Thanks for the heads up. Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 I wish you the best SD, I really do. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 I wish you well SD - I sympathize and share your concerns all around. It's a double-whammy emotionally and financially for sure. I will also make a prediction. Your post today sounds among the healthiest and most realistic in a long time. It sounds likek your STBXW is getting that message too. My prediction is that when you least expect it, expect it. I think sometime in the next few months you will post hear saying that you got an out-of-the-blue call from your STBXW asking to reconsider things - perhaps just before your 12-month separation ends. I also predict that by that time you will have moved on emotionally and will not be interested in reconciling with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted October 16, 2008 Author Share Posted October 16, 2008 Maybe - sometimes I just do not care anymore what my W does. She set me back 3-4 years financially - now with the recession and cut-backs - it's likely be 5 or more years. I think unemployment could spike to 8 or 9% by the end of the year, Christmas shopping could be the worst in 30 years.... recession deeper than 1973-74. More bank failures, auto industry bankruptcies, corporate layoffs... Reign in your spending and pay off debt where ever you can. The economy is at the beginning of a severe downturn. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Maybe - sometimes I just do not care anymore what my W does. She set me back 3-4 years financially - now with the recession and cut-backs - it's likely be 5 or more years. I think unemployment could spike to 8 or 9% by the end of the year, Christmas shopping could be the worst in 30 years.... recession deeper than 1973-74. More bank failures, auto industry bankruptcies, corporate layoffs... Reign in your spending and pay off debt where ever you can. The economy is at the beginning of a severe downturn. Now would be the opportunity to renegotiate the terms of your child support. After all, its your wife who benefits from your generosity and not your daughter considering how much is truly expended on for your child's sake out of the hefty sum being liberated from your income every month? If you are made to tighten a belt and live uncomfortably than why must you support your stbxw's self-grandoising right to live better than you do? Just food for thought! Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 SD, you've brought up your concerns many times regarding the differences in which you and your stbxw have when it comes to the rearing of your daughter since you began posting. Your stbxw seems to be a strict disciplinarian when it comes to your daughter while you have a more "let the child enjoy being a child" attitude. How much do you know about how your stbxw was raised and who she models her parenting skills after in her own parent's relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted October 25, 2008 Author Share Posted October 25, 2008 PP - there would be no winning in child support. I still make more than STBXW and income is still above the cap. If I argued to cut CS, she would argue I should downsize my house (which would cost me more in the long run) - I would lose either way. As far as her upbringing - She was raised by her mother who divorced her father when she was 5. Mother was a partier and likely did minimal effort in child rearing. My W is striving to be the opposite - strong discipline early on to whip her into shape - to be easier to control. oh well... ... seems so much time has passed... My life is different now... Single half the time and focusing on work (with the stock market meltdown and trying to secure my job... without my job I would have nothing left - I have already lost half of everything between the divorce, my portfolio being down 35%, and my partnership value cut in half)... Without my job, I would lose the house and everything else.... I do not call my STBXW anymore, yet she calls me periodically to ask what to do with her investments or talk about politics - even though she has never once been interested in them in the past. ( Is this some way for her to maintain some sort of connection to me even though she has no desire to be married to me ? Seems odd...) The other (less than) half of the time, I'm a single father. STBXW expects me to (take over) my daughter on my allotted time - and I do (except I've had to postpone a few of my evenings w/ D due to work.) - but she wonders why I am not more enthusiastic about it... I do not know, maybe because it's because I have succumb to the fact that I will forever and regrettably only be a "part time" father to my daughter - and can no longer put up the good fight to get my family back together. Starting to feel like more of an Uncle to my daughter than anything else. Did my STBXW expect more after ripping my family apart and family life apart ? Been so busy lately - working 12 hour days 6 days a week... basically just go home to sleep. Little to look forward to these days... I can even feel comfortable splurging on take-out food... Oh, I did take my D out to see Veggie tales on Thurs. Got my W's name off my mortgage (only took 4 months and $1,400). Still working on doing same with home Equity - and increasing the line for more emergencies. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 No! No! No! No! No SD! Child support is based upon a percentage of income not assets. I'd investigate this further if I were you for, based on your wife's assessment, if your income were to drop by half she would still feel entitled to the same level of child support she receives right now. The courts cannot make determinations about what you do with your allotment so it doesn't matter to them whether you live in a house or an apartment, have a pot full of money, or no pot to pizz in at all. As to her new queries regarding the stock market or politics I'd say its just her attempt to show you just how mature she is since leaving you. She seems to forget that she detached emotionally from the relationship long before you did and has, therefore, assumed that you are on the same page and moving on at the same pace as she is. I'd suggest that you admonish her to keep all conversations restricted to issues regarding your daughter for she has a boyfriend now to listen to her idle chit chat. At this stage in your seperation you need to make her test the strength of her big girl panties by playing a little hardball on the child support issue while taking a harder stance on controlling the content of future conversations to relate strictly on matters specific to your daughter. The fact that you've taken steps to remove her name from the mortgages on your home tells me that slowly but surely you are moving in the right direction. You should also make yourself a bit more scarce to her random contacts while looking into a nanny service that can pinch hit for you should you have to work longer hours on a regular basis. You don't want to give your stbx any ammunition when it comes to time availability within your home for child rearing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted October 25, 2008 Author Share Posted October 25, 2008 PP - I know how CS works in NY. 17% of the first $80k in income toward CS... Courts can also and often do have no cap on income. We agreed to keep the $80k cap - and only count my income - rather than calculate my proportionate share of the income without any cap. Intent is more equalize income so that child has similar lifestyle in both homes. If we each made $50k then I would owe her nothing since we have joint custody. But since I make more than her, I owe her the mathematical amount as long as I still make more than her after paying the CS and her receiving the CS. Another reason why I am squeezed is I took out a large home equity loan to pay her share of the marital assets (primarily her 1/2 equity built up in the house) - that loan payment on top of CS and 10% pay cut and no bonus this year - makes my finances very tight. Of course, I could sell the house and downsize - but with this market, I'd take a loss on the house and have higher interest payment... better to be squeezed for a couple of years than take a big loss in the short run. (and I wouldn't be happy in a small place). What I was saying is that when I tell her my income is squeezed, she tells me to sell my house and I'll then have more discretionary income than her. I understand what you are saying about time keeping my parenting time with my daughter.... I have not sacrificed any time, I am just switching/deferring days with my D; just like I do for her when W has other plans. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted October 26, 2008 Share Posted October 26, 2008 Whoa! I see you've thoroughly investigated the numbers here so I'll bow out on this one, LOL! Her childhood background is a point of interest though. She comes from a broken home where her mother divorced her father probably due to infidelity perpetrated on her mother's part. Though your stbx puts on "airs" to the contrary, I believe that, as is often the case, that your wife has incorporated the same "life is grey" attitude her mother exemplified toward establishing boundaries throughout her life and so came into your marriage broken on that issue. That said, if this is the case then in all likelihood your marriage was always vulnerable to infidelity on your stbx's part for the problems in your marriage were minimally yours, but instead, the timebomb ticking inside of her! From here on out its best to consider your stbx as just some random girl that you, "OOPS", got pregnant and now you've got to pay the price the next umpteen years for a poor decison you made in your past. Your new perspective should therefore be that her life and day to day issues are of little consequence to you except where your child is concerned. I think you are slowly getting there even if you don't realize it! She's broken now, was broken before you met her, and will probably remain broken into the hereafter until she takes steps to fix herself. The only lesson you can take from this is that you bet on the wrong horse so the next time you decide to visit the racetrack you'd better do more than check the horse's teeth before you put your money down! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted November 3, 2008 Author Share Posted November 3, 2008 PP - I wish it were that easy to move on. She called me on Halloween and asked if she could go trick-or-treating with my daughter and I. I paused for a long time then said "you know, everytime you call me you are stabbing me in the heart with a knife." She said sorry and hung up. When she dropped off our daughter "OK well you can come with us if your intention is to spend time together as a family... but if all you want is to have extra fun time with your daughter, then I do not think so" She thus declined. Today she calls to say she wants to get our daughter off diapers this upcoming weekend when she has her.. "OK fine" W has so moved on and seems completely content with the arrangement of having her daughter half the time. I was so busy during October that I didn't have much time to dwell on the separation. Now I have more thinking time... and I am regressing to lamenting my separated life again. I so want to tell me W that I want us to try baby steps - like a couple hours family time. But I know that W won't budge. More time is needed and W needs to fall flat on her back with no one there to pick her up...or... learn that guys out there are jerks... or be totally dumped by someone she might have been seeing. I just can't seem to get over it... when you have nearly 3 year old daughter together... my W have never gone without calling me at least once a week... It's like a divorce that never ends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted November 3, 2008 Author Share Posted November 3, 2008 5 Months into the legal separation (9 months since the bomb) and we have just grown more apart... living our separate lives, with little discussion, little assistance needed. I was hoping things would be different. either I'd be more adapted to living alone...or... she would see life isn't as green on the other side as she thought... nope - nada - Just further apart in our separate independent lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts