How to start from scratch in 12 mo separation ?

[n9688m]

Anyway, affair or not, how do you know that SD was not such an intolerable husband that led her to seek comfort elsewhere? Answer me that with a categoric answer.

 

She should have sought MC and ended the relationship before her affair. Since she didn't, she lost all credibility. Simple as that.

 

Are you trying to say that it is not possible for a marriage to be broken down to the point of not repairable? You do not think that it is possible for a marriage to be so badly damaged that MC is totally and 100% not neccessary?

 

There is no reason for a marriage to ever get to that point. A marriage does not fail instantly as you propose.

 

But even if somehow the marriage does get to this point of being irreconcilable, she still should offer MC and separation before an affair? Why? Because having an affair inflames emotions exponentially and inevitably leads to more challanges in working together long-term for the benefit of children. If nothing else, such a spouse owes the other person the courtesy of ending the relationship gracefully - and an affair is far from a graceful ending.

 

2. I do not know anything about the Wallerstein book and really do not care.

 

Well it is the landmark book on effects of divorce on children. Read it and get back to us please.

 

You can read all the drivel you want but you would be better served letting go of the resentment, hate and stop looking for all this stuff to make out you are a saint and she is such a bad bad person and deal with the reality and make a good job at raising children.

 

Actually it is the other way around. I have offered equally shared custody to my STBXW so we can move on with our lives. Unfortunately her affair has caused her so much guilt that according to our family counselor she has compensated with denial by trying to make me into the bad guy. Thus she is seeking full custody of the children even though neither the court nor the psychologists support her in this request. Yet another (very unfortunate) example of why one should first end a relationship and then start a new one.

 

I'll get through this just fine - I'm in great physical shape, dating appealing women, doing great in my work. But the divorce and now custody battle are devastating to the children - it's hard to see how I can ever forgive her for that. And yes, it's hard to see why she isn't a god-awful person for doing this to her kids.

 

BECAUSE MY EX DID NOT HAVE A SHRED OF LOVE FOR ME ANYMORE. For whatever reason, it was gone.

 

Maybe it was gone because she cheated on you and thus emotionally disconnected from you.

 

 

I am broadminded enough to understand that had I been meeting her emotional needs then she would not have felt attraction for other people or rather, would not have acted on it. I accept she did wrong BUT accept it was MY failings that opened the door for it to happen.

 

That's total BS - you are brainwashed by her. You aren't a mindreader. Why didn't she convey to you that her needs were not being met?

 

Or maybe she was just lustful and it's as simple as that.

 

 

He would have been better off having never met her? I bet she says the same and would be justified in saying so. Because then she would not have had to live in a marriage that did not meet her emotional needs, make her unhappy and leave her alone to bring up a child.

 

Absolutely right.

 

To be more accurate, it appears that the mistake is not SD getting divorced. Rather the mistake is that SD got married to her in the first place. Ditto for me.

 

 

I am grateful to my ex because I got to experience feeling real and unconditional love.

 

Great - but she never should have married you to start if she didn't truly love you then.

 

I have said this before and I will again. I think the biggest question in many divorces is not why do people divorce but rather why did the people get married to begin with?

 

 

My only problem in my life is I miss my son like crazy, I feel sad when i return him to her because it was not how I envisoned it

 

Bingo - and that's just the start of the problems divorce causes for kids. Read the Wallerstein book and get back to us.

[n9688m]

I will make it simplier. Sometimes two people are together and shouldn't be. Simple

 

Correct. Which means they never should have married. In SD's case the fundamental issue is that his ex should never have married him - simple as that.

[TrustInYourself]

There is nothing unhealthy about being happier as part of a nuclear family than as a single person.

 

I disagree, if you can't live happy as an individual, you are just draining energy away from a family unit.

[TrustInYourself]

Hello SD and everyone,

 

SD- Look back at my thread and all of the pure hell I went through..... Now, I will tell you there was a breaking point for me and I said F her. I went against what my mind and body told me I wanted and turned a cold shoulder to her and the situation. Now, my STBXW is the one that is in that world of pain and uncertainty. She has seen my changes, my effort into my son's life being better and my lack of giving a S about the separation. It took about a month but her world is starting to come down around her ankles because I stopped being spineless and pathetic.

 

Maybe you should read this a few times, get your balls back and stop giving her the power over you that makes her world so great. This new guy will ditch her, it's a fact and she will come back to you. That's when you will (hopefully) have the mindset and the tools to make a rational decision of either reconciliation or telling her to hit the bricks.......

 

The course you are flying now only goes to one place..... nervous breakdown pathetic-ville.

 

Good post, I thought I would say this advice is definitely spot on.

[badbrit]

One quick point, I was not married to the ex, not through any choice of mine but because she obviously always knew I was not the man for her. I would have married her in a heartbeat.

 

However I was married, for seven years, to someone else who as i said I have children with and who I have been divorced from for 6 years.

 

Why do I need to read some book? What is it going to teach me that looking at my well adjusted, happy, high achieving, emotionally stable two elder children cannot teach me? Life is not a textbook and not everything or everyone can fit neatly into a nice little package written by some "experts".

 

Yes I miss my son, but I will adjust with time and become used to it as I did with my daughters six years ago. It is not an issue that affect him in the slightest. He is a happy little lad, content and full of love and receives nothing but love.

 

I will not lie and say that I think that the current situation is better than him living with mum and dad and them being happily in love, but that was not possible and this is better than the alternative.

 

One thing I do know is that he will grow up normal and a damn sight happier than he would of had his mother continued living with me with her resentments.

 

I can sleep at night as I have already got two kids that are living proof that divorce does not need to affect you adversely and in a few years will say that my son can also prove that.

 

What do you suggest? That my ex should have stayed with me despite having no love for me? Don't be silly. She did the right thing for her and it was not an easy thing to do. She went from living with a man who earned a lot of money, shared looking after our son, looked after her, cooked, shopped, cleaned, was there as support, was there as a partner, to talk to, to share burdens with to now living alone, no money, smaller home, less future, less security, no companionship etc etc. I think that was a brave thing to do and it was clearly the right thing for her to do as she does not regret it.

 

It was best for me too as I would not want to be with someone who did not love me or want to be with me. I now have a girlfriend who is aces and does love me and that is good enough for me.

[n9688m]

I disagree, if you can't live happy as an individual, you are just draining energy away from a family unit.

 

"Happiness" isn't a binary phenomenon.

 

Surely one needs to be "functional" and well-adjusted as a single person to be able to engage in a healthy relationship.

 

But surely even someone happy and well-adjusted as a single person is likely fo feel even more happy as part of a relationship - that's a pretty fundamental part of human nature.

 

I would also submit that even if a single person is not in a long-term relationship, the presence of some sort of sexual outlet (maybe FWB?) can be very important from a mental health perspective. Conversely it can be very hard for many people to be "happy" during periods without a viable sexual outlet. That's pretty basic human nature.

[TrustInYourself]

If you can not relate or understand your spouse's reasoning for leaving, than you don't understand them. Hence, why they left.

 

Any anger or hurt is something that the individual left behind puts themselves through. We want to blame our wayward spouse on our feelings of pain and betrayal. Sorry, if you are doing that, it's just another window into the sham of a relationship/marriage you had. Blame doesn't exist in working marriages. There is no right or wrong. Only love and acceptance.

 

If you don't agree, ask yourself if you truly ever loved your wayward spouse.

[TrustInYourself]

"Happiness" isn't a binary phenomenon.

 

Surely one needs to be "functional" and well-adjusted as a single person to be able to engage in a healthy relationship.

 

But surely even someone happy and well-adjusted as a single person is likely fo feel even more happy as part of a relationship - that's a pretty fundamental part of human nature.

 

I would also submit that even if a single person is not in a long-term relationship, the presence of some sort of sexual outlet (maybe FWB?) can be very important from a mental health perspective. Conversely it can be very hard for many people to be "happy" during periods without a viable sexual outlet. That's pretty basic human nature.

 

That's the issue. What is the definition of functional and well-adjusted? I would say someone that lays their happiness in the hands of someone who does not care for them, dysfunctional.

[n9688m]

What do you suggest? That my ex should have stayed with me despite having no love for me?

 

She should have worked with you in counseling without the competition of her competing romantic interests as you described. I submit to you that you will never know if she truly loved you because her romantic indiscretions at least subconsciously clouded her viewpoint of you.

 

I think that was a brave thing to do and it was clearly the right thing for her to do as she does not regret it.

 

I think she was a coward for cheating on you and you are trying to rationalize it away.

 

It was best for me too as I would not want to be with someone who did not love me or want to be with me.

 

Best would have been for you to have gone to counseling before she cheated on you.

[TrustInYourself]

"Happiness" isn't a binary phenomenon.

 

Surely one needs to be "functional" and well-adjusted as a single person to be able to engage in a healthy relationship.

 

But surely even someone happy and well-adjusted as a single person is likely fo feel even more happy as part of a relationship - that's a pretty fundamental part of human nature.

 

I would also submit that even if a single person is not in a long-term relationship, the presence of some sort of sexual outlet (maybe FWB?) can be very important from a mental health perspective. Conversely it can be very hard for many people to be "happy" during periods without a viable sexual outlet. That's pretty basic human nature.

 

Sexual outlets do not enhance mental health or happiness, unless you are a cave man. And yes, I am a cave man.

[TrustInYourself]

She should have worked with you in counseling without the competition of her competing romantic interests as you described. I submit to you that you will never know if she truly loved you because her romantic indiscretions at least subconsciously clouded her viewpoint of you.

 

 

 

I think she was a coward for cheating on you and you are trying to rationalize it away.

 

 

 

Best would have been for you to have gone to counseling before she cheated on you.

 

Counseling doesn't solve much if anything, unless the couple involved is willing. Otherwise, it's just going through the motions of a controlled encounter with a professional, while you strain to make some sort of emotional connection with your angry, yet loyal spouse.

[n9688m]

Counseling doesn't solve much if anything, unless the couple involved is willing. Otherwise, it's just going through the motions of a controlled encounter with a professional, while you strain to make some sort of emotional connection with your angry, yet loyal spouse.

 

It is at least ending a relationship in a respectful, amiable way - so very important especially if there are children involved.

 

Alternatively, ending a relationship with adultery and no counseling is virtually certain to provoke emotions of rage in one's partner. That surely is not conducive to anyone's best interests - including children.

[n9688m]

Sexual outlets do not enhance mental health or happiness, unless you are a cave man. And yes, I am a cave man.

 

A sexual outlet sure does enhance well-being for many people - that's called being human.

 

Alternatively, lack of a sexual outlet in a formerly regularly sexually active person can lead to some really serious frustration. Add in the anger or rage of adultery and that can be a very volatile situation.

 

Even more importantly, one very, very healthy way to vent anger is to do something fun. That's a really positive way to deal with anger. So if someone is angry over a soon-ex spouse's affair but is not yet ready for a LTR, a FWB sexual relationship can be extremely helpful from a mental health perspective. Of course the FWB relationship should be clear up front so there are no hard feelings.

[pelicanpreacher]

Bad Brit I'm surprised at you! SD has been an open book throughout this thread (maybe too open) and is not only easy to read but also anticipate. I have held no punches in pointing out all of his shortcomings and now, with the revelation of the manner in which his father died, he is even easier still to understand. I call his stbx despicable because of what I've gleaned from the information provided.

 

You say that I don't know his wife and you are correct from a microinspective standpoint but I can surmise who and what she is by carefully reviewing the information innocuously provided by SD. SD appears to be somewhat of a shy and retiring individual who has always lacked self confidence with women but, who can, conversely, express himself aggresively in the business world to achieve decent success for the business interactive dynamic is far different than one might experience in a casual social setting. This makes him an excellent earner but awkward in the socialising department. That known, the question that begs is what exactly did his stbx initially see in him to pursue a committed relationship to start with? Answer: MONEY!

(note: I do believe that she targeted and pursued him)

 

This little chickadee bode her time well by investing 3 1/2 years of dating to learn where all of SD's buttons lay hidden. She knew about his father's suicide and all the self confidence issues SD harbored and decided that this was a man that she could control. She had come to know his tendency to be manipulative, to throw immature outbursts, to be stubborn, to be dense and naive, his need to be clingy and mothered, and his proclivity to remain unto himself due to his own social awkwardness as well. All unattractive features yet she chose to keep dating him? Why? Answer: MONEY!

 

This little chickawh#re, however, was born of a selfish party girl who committed infidelity in her father's marriage causing suffering, anger, sadness, and divorce during her formative years. She witnessed this and determined that she was going to be a happy winner...just like mom...instead of a simpering loser like her Dad. She definately adopted her mother's domineering ways for she has no problem raising her voice and hand to her father when angered, right? She knows the social scene and knew her way around well enough to know that she needed to target an earner who she could entice with her charms and control with her will for her mantra has always been, "As GOD is my witness...I'll never be hungry again"!

 

So, this chickabeast finally manuevered SD up the aisle knowing that, with her knowledge of SD's weaknesses and of divorce's endgame, she could look forward to a sweet payday some day. The first step was to get pregnant, next step was to stay in the marriage till the courts considered the child legally cognizant, then next moving on to becoming the cheating sl#t her mother has always been, and finally cashing in her chips for her $50,000 lottery and cashcowing SD to the tune of $2333 per month in child support for the next umpteen years! (Don't you love when a plan comes together?)

 

If SD would have come to a board like this early enough in his problems so that we could have hammered him into the actualized man he needs to be he might have been able to actually throw her for a loop to create genuine love, admiration, and devotion in her for him but, alas, he only got wise in the endgame! (SD, you really need to get into therapy on your issues for they will be caustic to any relationship that you pursue in the future)

 

Of course this is all speculation but the information revealed, combined with the timeline of events set forth, makes me far more suspicious that what I'm seeing can't be written off as mere coincidence but, instead, the calculating plans of a despicable woman. JMO!

[badbrit]

Wow that is a lot of guesswork and frankly BS.

 

I do not believe that this woman set out to find and trap a man with money and anyway, if she did then she did a poor job of it because what I read is SD earns ok money but nothing special. I totally think you are going too deep and making some wild accusations that are unhealthy and there is no actual evidence to support it.

 

She is a woman who became unhappy and decided to leave her marriage. What is so hard to understand about that?

[pelicanpreacher]

Wow that is a lot of guesswork and frankly BS.

 

I do not believe that this woman set out to find and trap a man with money and anyway, if she did then she did a poor job of it because what I read is SD earns ok money but nothing special. I totally think you are going too deep and making some wild accusations that are unhealthy and there is no actual evidence to support it.

 

She is a woman who became unhappy and decided to leave her marriage. What is so hard to understand about that?

 

Because may have happened to you Bad Brit...it may have happened to you!!

[badbrit]

well

1. I do not think so, not at all. My business was failing when we met, however I made it a success AFTER we got together so if she came for money from me, she was not wise as I was earning f all and was paying an ex wife loads, signed over a house etc. I had ZERO when we got together.

 

2. Even if it is the case, I really do not care if it did happen to me because I am not bitter and twisted. I cannot control other people, their emotions, feelings, thoughts, actions so do not let it bother me. I can control myself only and so only worry about that.

 

life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you feel about it.

 

I choose to feel ok with it all and so have no bitterness.

[pelicanpreacher]

well

1. I do not think so, not at all. My business was failing when we met, however I made it a success AFTER we got together so if she came for money from me, she was not wise as I was earning f all and was paying an ex wife loads, signed over a house etc. I had ZERO when we got together.

 

2. Even if it is the case, I really do not care if it did happen to me because I am not bitter and twisted. I cannot control other people, their emotions, feelings, thoughts, actions so do not let it bother me. I can control myself only and so only worry about that.

 

life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you feel about it.

 

I choose to feel ok with it all and so have no bitterness.

 

In you beats the heart of the eternal optomist. May hope spring eternal!

[TrustInYourself]

Bad Brit I'm surprised at you! SD has been an open book throughout this thread (maybe too open) and is not only easy to read but also anticipate. I have held no punches in pointing out all of his shortcomings and now, with the revelation of the manner in which his father died, he is even easier still to understand. I call his stbx despicable because of what I've gleaned from the information provided.

 

You say that I don't know his wife and you are correct from a microinspective standpoint but I can surmise who and what she is by carefully reviewing the information innocuously provided by SD. SD appears to be somewhat of a shy and retiring individual who has always lacked self confidence with women but, who can, conversely, express himself aggresively in the business world to achieve decent success for the business interactive dynamic is far different than one might experience in a casual social setting. This makes him an excellent earner but awkward in the socialising department. That known, the question that begs is what exactly did his stbx initially see in him to pursue a committed relationship to start with? Answer: MONEY!

(note: I do believe that she targeted and pursued him)

 

This little chickadee bode her time well by investing 3 1/2 years of dating to learn where all of SD's buttons lay hidden. She knew about his father's suicide and all the self confidence issues SD harbored and decided that this was a man that she could control. She had come to know his tendency to be manipulative, to throw immature outbursts, to be stubborn, to be dense and naive, his need to be clingy and mothered, and his proclivity to remain unto himself due to his own social awkwardness as well. All unattractive features yet she chose to keep dating him? Why? Answer: MONEY!

 

This little chickawh#re, however, was born of a selfish party girl who committed infidelity in her father's marriage causing suffering, anger, sadness, and divorce during her formative years. She witnessed this and determined that she was going to be a happy winner...just like mom...instead of a simpering loser like her Dad. She definately adopted her mother's domineering ways for she has no problem raising her voice and hand to her father when angered, right? She knows the social scene and knew her way around well enough to know that she needed to target an earner who she could entice with her charms and control with her will for her mantra has always been, "As GOD is my witness...I'll never be hungry again"!

 

So, this chickabeast finally manuevered SD up the aisle knowing that, with her knowledge of SD's weaknesses and of divorce's endgame, she could look forward to a sweet payday some day. The first step was to get pregnant, next step was to stay in the marriage till the courts considered the child legally cognizant, then next moving on to becoming the cheating sl#t her mother has always been, and finally cashing in her chips for her $50,000 lottery and cashcowing SD to the tune of $2333 per month in child support for the next umpteen years! (Don't you love when a plan comes together?)

 

If SD would have come to a board like this early enough in his problems so that we could have hammered him into the actualized man he needs to be he might have been able to actually throw her for a loop to create genuine love, admiration, and devotion in her for him but, alas, he only got wise in the endgame! (SD, you really need to get into therapy on your issues for they will be caustic to any relationship that you pursue in the future)

 

Of course this is all speculation but the information revealed, combined with the timeline of events set forth, makes me far more suspicious that what I'm seeing can't be written off as mere coincidence but, instead, the calculating plans of a despicable woman. JMO!

 

Sounds semi-accurate, however I do believe some people will fool themselves into believing something is real and that an emotional connection actually exists, while laying the foundation of lies and manipulation. Even at a subconcious level.

 

SD, I'm pulling for you man. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and wishing you strength.

[SingleDad]

Wow - This thread has a life on it's own.

 

There are truths to everyone's comments.

 

In short, my STBXW felt she was not getting the kind and amount of emotional affection and physical intimacy she expects. And all of that is true... I wasn't getting it from her either.

 

It's the chicken or the egg question. Neither of us was giving the other enough of what each wanted and it turned into not treating each other with as much respect and attentativeness that is needed in a marriage - I think we also focused our energies on our daughter and not each other - our daughter first, work second and each other somewhere down the ladder.

 

It's terrible and can happen in any relationship.

 

The saddest part it that I feel she could not break through my auto-pilot and gave up on me too quickly... I never expected that could happen so quickly when we have a young daughter together... . I was believing in the "for better or worse" and that hardships are part of the course and would get better. My W couldn't wait and likely had an affair to get the affection she wanted.

 

Things just spiraled out of control.

 

Now I have learned over and over again the hard way that I couldnt' do anything to save our marriage from that point on.

 

I have to start living my own life - try to start dating again. And find happiness again - both internally and yes getting some affection from someone else (to at least help my confidence with is at an all time low).

 

I do not expect for my W to have any revelation to change course. The only chance in hell is if she falls flat on her ass and learns that the man/men she finds are home-wreckers, out for sex, or just plain jerks... And that learning her husband was really a decent, loving, reliable man who did as best as he could under the circumstances.

[TrustInYourself]

Wow - This thread has a life on it's own.

 

There are truths to everyone's comments.

 

In short, my STBXW felt she was not getting the kind and amount of emotional affection and physical intimacy she expects. And all of that is true... I wasn't getting it from her either.

 

It's the chicken or the egg question. Neither of us was giving the other enough of what each wanted and it turned into not treating each other with as much respect and attentativeness that is needed in a marriage - I think we also focused our energies on our daughter and not each other - our daughter first, work second and each other somewhere down the ladder.

 

It's terrible and can happen in any relationship.

 

The saddest part it that I feel she could not break through my auto-pilot and gave up on me too quickly... I never expected that could happen so quickly when we have a young daughter together... . I was believing in the "for better or worse" and that hardships are part of the course and would get better. My W couldn't wait and likely had an affair to get the affection she wanted.

 

Things just spiraled out of control.

 

Now I have learned over and over again the hard way that I couldnt' do anything to save our marriage from that point on.

 

I have to start living my own life - try to start dating again. And find happiness again - both internally and yes getting some affection from someone else (to at least help my confidence with is at an all time low).

 

I do not expect for my W to have any revelation to change course. The only chance in hell is if she falls flat on her ass and learns that the man/men she finds are home-wreckers, out for sex, or just plain jerks... And that learning her husband was really a decent, loving, reliable man who did as best as he could under the circumstances.

 

Yeah it has a life of it's own because people care about you. Don't beat yourself up over her decision.

 

Like it or not, you are a good guy. I see it and a lot of others here see it as well.

 

Things will get better, just give it some time for that hole in your chest to heal.

[LookinFWD]

Way to go man! Your post is awesome and you really get what happened.

It is going to make you so much stronger. Now get out there and seek out every and all forms of dating.... get hopping dude:bunny:

 

 

Wow - This thread has a life on it's own.

 

There are truths to everyone's comments.

 

In short, my STBXW felt she was not getting the kind and amount of emotional affection and physical intimacy she expects. And all of that is true... I wasn't getting it from her either.

 

It's the chicken or the egg question. Neither of us was giving the other enough of what each wanted and it turned into not treating each other with as much respect and attentativeness that is needed in a marriage - I think we also focused our energies on our daughter and not each other - our daughter first, work second and each other somewhere down the ladder.

 

It's terrible and can happen in any relationship.

 

The saddest part it that I feel she could not break through my auto-pilot and gave up on me too quickly... I never expected that could happen so quickly when we have a young daughter together... . I was believing in the "for better or worse" and that hardships are part of the course and would get better. My W couldn't wait and likely had an affair to get the affection she wanted.

 

Things just spiraled out of control.

 

Now I have learned over and over again the hard way that I couldnt' do anything to save our marriage from that point on.

 

I have to start living my own life - try to start dating again. And find happiness again - both internally and yes getting some affection from someone else (to at least help my confidence with is at an all time low).

 

I do not expect for my W to have any revelation to change course. The only chance in hell is if she falls flat on her ass and learns that the man/men she finds are home-wreckers, out for sex, or just plain jerks... And that learning her husband was really a decent, loving, reliable man who did as best as he could under the circumstances.

[ilmw]

Wow - This thread has a life on it's own.

 

There are truths to everyone's comments.

 

In short, my STBXW felt she was not getting the kind and amount of emotional affection and physical intimacy she expects. And all of that is true... I wasn't getting it from her either.

 

It's the chicken or the egg question. Neither of us was giving the other enough of what each wanted and it turned into not treating each other with as much respect and attentativeness that is needed in a marriage - I think we also focused our energies on our daughter and not each other - our daughter first, work second and each other somewhere down the ladder.

 

 

It's terrible and can happen in any relationship.

 

The saddest part it that I feel she could not break through my auto-pilot and gave up on me too quickly... I never expected that could happen so quickly when we have a young daughter together... . I was believing in the "for better or worse" and that hardships are part of the course and would get better. My W couldn't wait and likely had an affair to get the affection she wanted.

 

Things just spiraled out of control.

 

Now I have learned over and over again the hard way that I couldnt' do anything to save our marriage from that point on.

 

I have to start living my own life - try to start dating again. And find happiness again - both internally and yes getting some affection from someone else (to at least help my confidence with is at an all time low).

 

I do not expect for my W to have any revelation to change course. The only chance in hell is if she falls flat on her ass and learns that the man/men she finds are home-wreckers, out for sex, or just plain jerks... And that learning her husband was really a decent, loving, reliable man who did as best as he could under the circumstances.

 

Hey SD,

 

Its funny (but not the ha ha type) that so many of us suffer similar "fates" I can... and many others feel your pain... your frustration... (but it is your pain alone) and only you can truly understand it.

 

You have made comments which I could have written myself many months ago.... and your last post.... compelled me to respond...as I saw so much of what I used to think in your words.

 

SD.... YOU will be OK.... You have, I am sure this enough times. When you can.. stop worrying about what coulda should woulda happened... you will be there.... When you no longer care.... what she did..... because it is done.... you will be there. When you wake up... and she does not enter your mind... because you are wondering what she is doing... You will be there... When you can say to yourself.... "Your lose baby" and beleive it....you are there.

 

It all comes down to not giving a damn anymore. It is your HISTORY... and you have learned from it. You will never allow yourself to do what YOU did... to contribute to this.... and you will have learned to recognise the red flags... she sends up. You will have learned to communicate... better. (reading is fun... it teaches so much )

 

You will have letten go..... you are alone and enjoy the silence. You are alone... but not lonely. That is when..... you have moved on... learned to love you... and are comfortable being alone with yourself. Now... if you like..... go find someone... or let them find you.... and allow them to share you. Because you are complete... without anyone. And have plenty to share.... with someone.... who recognises this.

 

If you can achieve this.... and there is no reason you cannot. You can see the world through different eyes. I am speaking while you are alone. Taking time for yourself... to smell the roses. Appreciate the changing colour of the leafs.... just before they fall from the trees. The different shades of blue.... the sky can be. You are alive for you. Good place to be. Now imagine.. you truly feel like this. And you meet someone new.... Trust me... you will appreciate another person ... so much more.

 

Well... personally speaking..

 

Time is your friend SD.... time will tell. It will set you free. You will be free... from this.... one day. When... no body can tell. Just stay busy.... have the best time you can... and you will wake up one day... and have to think about her.... to think about her. Then your DONE!

 

Until then stick up your chin and grin and say.... "The sun will come out tomorrow.... bet your bottom dollar".. (OK.. enough show tunes) but yah get the idea...

 

ilmw

[pelicanpreacher]

Good post ILMW.

 

SD, I know I have, at times come across harshly and often seem to see life from the angles of the bitter and bizzare but its only to be sure to keep your eyes open to all the possiblities of what happened lest you miss important the subtle flags that define your true history. Comparing your last post to my last one I'm comfortable with assessing that the truth lies somewhere in between. As for your wife, it may have all come down to the fact that she could not break the defiance of your will with the domineering will of her own so she took her toys and went home.

 

My advice, SD, is to cocoon yourself in therapy to remove the angst of your childhood still albatrossed from your neck to become the actualized adult you strive to be for, in losing all those insecurities and hangups, you'll find that not only are you bright and motivated but, a stud brimming with potential as well! Replace your fears with the a fiercely burning fire of life and nothing or no-one can deny your will or right to happiness and fulfillment ever again. Once you get comfortable in the skin you're in, you'll butterfly your cocoon emerging that man from within that is happy again finding life is for living to chance flight and begin.

[SingleDad]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement, words of advice, the 2x4's across the face, and mostly for being there and caring.

 

You all have helped me get through the worst year of my life.

 

I honestly do not think there is anything I could have done to save my marriage - not exposing the affair at the very start, not fighting to save the marriage, not walking away from it and hope she comes running back. She made up her own mind at the time she filed and there was no looking back... I cannot predict the future - so I will have to stop trying... It will take it's own course.

 

It may take me a year or more before my life is back on the right track (4 years financially) - but you know I will be doing my best to get there. I have posted on match.com - but haven't actually registered - I guess seeing if there is any interest before I pay to contact others.

 

I will keep in touch, but not with the frequency as before.

 

I do not know that there is much more to add - just live my life going forward - is about the best advice I know.

 

Thanks All, SingleDad