Exposing my darkest secret

[confused2007]

I have a confession to make in hopes of breaking free from this negativity chain that continuously runs my life and prevents me from being who I really am. I have never told anyone this, no matter how close they were - friends or family , so you'll will be the first.

 

My confession - I hate my skin color and freckles and it keeps my self-esteem/confidence far below zero. It's more serious than it sounds...

 

This has been ongoing for as long as I can remember. I have fair skin, a lot of freckles, and thin skin underneath my eyes so it stays relatively dark. Due to this, I have always been extremely sensitive to the way I look and take extra time to make sure I look decent before I walk out the door. A tragic event that scarred my oversensitivity to this was during my freshman year in high school. I was in football tryouts; just got done running with full gear in the heat of the day, and a 'friend' looked at me and said "You have the ugliest face I've ever seen," with the most disgusting look on his face. This was 9 years ago. That same day I went home (Never made it back to tryouts) locked my door and prayed to God for hours to remove them from my face. I became so desperate that I used a pencil eraser, on a specific part of my face, and rubbed for hours in hopes that they would become lighter.

 

I avoid being out in the sun too much since it puts too much light on my face and brightens my freckles and people will notice them. This is also why I love the night. I'm more outgoing and friendly during the night because my freckels don't show that closely. I have even been told by one person that they didn't know I had freckles until I was in the sun.

 

This is also why I believe I have high anxiety levels and always seek approval of others.

 

This is also why I've done drugs in my earlier years - because I felt I could not get friends easy and druggies let anyone in.

 

This is also why I have 2 tattoos that mean absolutely nothing to me. I wanted to be able to continue friendship with these guys, whom were getting a tattoo, so why not get one also? Picking my tattoo was prob done with the same idea of closing my eyes and pointing at something. Pathetic I know.

 

This is also why I'm needy when dating because I'm afraid that they'll see my face the same way I do and leave from disgust.

 

On a different and opposite note, strangely enough, I have dated some beautiful women. I've been told I'm "Hot, cute, sexy, handsome, attractive" (I believe all at night time) and at the same time been called the opposite, "Ugly, mediocre, unattractive, etc." This defintetly makes it hard for me to judge myself.

 

So I pinpointed my problem, how do I proceed?

[KinAZ]

Are you a redhead? I have a thing for freckles and redheads. =-x And so, it is sad for me to hear you say this!

 

I think the best thing that I, personally, can tell you is that you need to realize that you're never going to please everyone. You're the most important person to please. You know? So, stop worrying about other people, and start with a little self-acceptance.

 

I think I'm hott. LOL I'm not crazy enough to think that the rest of the world agrees with me though. I know that I'm some people's type, and I'm not other people's type. That's just the way of the world, and everyone falls into that... even if they don't believe it themselves.

 

Some people like tall people, some people like shorter people, some people like thin and some people like heavy. Yes, the 350lbs women are someone's type just as are the 120lbs men. At the end of the day, confidence will get you more than certain genetic traits.

 

Have you tried therapy of some sort? It's good that you're recognizing the problem, but you need to seek out any method of self-acceptance you can find. Therapy, spirituality, journaling, something...

 

Do you have a ton of freckles?

[mortensorchid]

We all have things about ourselves that we have to get over. Easier said than done, and I wish there was something I could do or say to change it for you, but ... It's part of life.

[Jilly Bean]

Get a chemical peel to remove your freckles if they bother you that much.

 

But, before I pop off, let me share a story with you.

 

When I was 15, I HATED my nose. All the girls were getting new ones, so I started to hate mine, too. Had NO reason to, as it is far from a Streisand schnoz...

 

Anyhow, I kept complaining about it. My Mom finally relented and said that if I still wanted one when I was 18, she would allow it. HOWEVER, she added, maybe I would be prettier, maybe I would look better, but every time I looked in the mirror, I wouldn't be looking at ME.

 

That was the end of the nose story, and I started modeling when I was 18.

 

Bottom line - either learn to love and accept how different you look, or else store up your pennies and spring for some cosmetic surgery.

[confused2007]

Are you a redhead? I have a thing for freckles and redheads. =-x And so, it is sad for me to hear you say this!

 

I think the best thing that I, personally, can tell you is that you need to realize that you're never going to please everyone. You're the most important person to please. You know? So, stop worrying about other people, and start with a little self-acceptance.

 

I think I'm hott. LOL I'm not crazy enough to think that the rest of the world agrees with me though. I know that I'm some people's type, and I'm not other people's type. That's just the way of the world, and everyone falls into that... even if they don't believe it themselves.

 

Some people like tall people, some people like shorter people, some people like thin and some people like heavy. Yes, the 350lbs women are someone's type just as are the 120lbs men. At the end of the day, confidence will get you more than certain genetic traits.

 

Have you tried therapy of some sort? It's good that you're recognizing the problem, but you need to seek out any method of self-acceptance you can find. Therapy, spirituality, journaling, something...

 

Do you have a ton of freckles?

 

Hi KinAZ,

 

Not a readhead - blondish hair w/ redish facial hair with (I think) a lot of freckles.

 

I know not everyone thinks the same way I do, but prob the majority so.

 

Have not tried therapy. Can't - no time to nor the money to

 

Thanks for your response.

[Untouchable_Fire]

On a different and opposite note, strangely enough, I have dated some beautiful women. I've been told I'm "Hot, cute, sexy, handsome, attractive" (I believe all at night time) and at the same time been called the opposite, "Ugly, mediocre, unattractive, etc." This defintetly makes it hard for me to judge myself.

 

So I pinpointed my problem, how do I proceed?

 

Have you really pinpointed the problem?

 

I think the problem is that your not comfortable with yourself. What other people say only matters to a certain degree. You control how they treat you. You control how they percieve you!

 

Just remember that everyone else has flaws too. Don't let them control you.

[confused2007]

Get a chemical peel to remove your freckles if they bother you that much.

 

But, before I pop off, let me share a story with you.

 

When I was 15, I HATED my nose. All the girls were getting new ones, so I started to hate mine, too. Had NO reason to, as it is far from a Streisand schnoz...

 

Anyhow, I kept complaining about it. My Mom finally relented and said that if I still wanted one when I was 18, she would allow it. HOWEVER, she added, maybe I would be prettier, maybe I would look better, but every time I looked in the mirror, I wouldn't be looking at ME.

 

That was the end of the nose story, and I started modeling when I was 18.

 

Bottom line - either learn to love and accept how different you look, or else store up your pennies and spring for some cosmetic surgery.

 

Chemical peel won't remove them. May lighten them temporarily but the sun will bring them out inevitably. This is what a plastic surgeon told me a few years back. Not sure if they've improved on anything since.

 

Thanks for your story btw. It's been this long and i haven't accepted myself yet, not sure if I ever will. This prevents me from doing many things in life and I'm not sure if I'll ever overcome it.

[D-Lish]

Well, I will tell you something- GUYS say things to one another that are meant to get under each other's skin!

 

They usually say those things out of jealousy!

 

I have been dating a super hot guy for a few weeks- he is absolutely gorgeous. He has an ever so slight receding hairline. It's barely evident- but his male friends go out of their way to point out that he is going to lose his hair. He also got diagnosed with ADD when he was young and his friends have nick named him "retarded Corey" from childhood.... which now has affectionately become "Reed" (for reee-tard").

 

This poor guy has internalized those insults and he is highly sensitive to the things his friends say. What it comes down to is that his friends are jealous. He attracts the hotter chicks!! But he is certainly somewhat demoralized and humiliated by years and years of attacks from his friends.

 

Freckles on a guy ARE enticing. Stop worrying about it. My guess is that your guy friends are just projecting their own insecurities onto you. You're sensitive, so you have decided to believe and internalize a comment that caused you psychological damage.

 

I spent my entire life being sensitive about my body image. I hit puberty at 9... and I sprouted boobs at an age that made it hard to deal. What ended up happening is that boys made fun of me at 9 for having boobs... and I developed a complex. I spent years and years dealing with hating my body because of those remarks.

 

I can remember the remark that actually sent me over the edge. I remember it to this day- and I am 38 now, and the damage that remark caused was when I was 12.

 

Don't go down that route. There is too much evidence to the contrary that you are ignoring. Pretty girls are attracted to you.... You are internalizing a remark that hit a chord with you because you were already sensitive to it. You have to let it go.

 

Dude, I went down to 105 lbs because my ex's mother validated a concern about my body that I had always been sensitive about. Don't do that to yourself!

[confused2007]

Well, I will tell you something- GUYS say things to one another that are meant to get under each other's skin!

 

They usually say those things out of jealousy!

 

I have been dating a super hot guy for a few weeks- he is absolutely gorgeous. He has an ever so slight receding hairline. It's barely evident- but his male friends go out of their way to point out that he is going to lose his hair. He also got diagnosed with ADD when he was young and his friends have nick named him "retarded Corey" from childhood.... which now has affectionately become "Reed" (for reee-tard").

 

This poor guy has internalized those insults and he is highly sensitive to the things his friends say. What it comes down to is that his friends are jealous. He attracts the hotter chicks!! But he is certainly somewhat demoralized and humiliated by years and years of attacks from his friends.

 

Freckles on a guy ARE enticing. Stop worrying about it. My guess is that your guy friends are just projecting their own insecurities onto you. You're sensitive, so you have decided to believe and internalize a comment that caused you psychological damage.

 

I spent my entire life being sensitive about my body image. I hit puberty at 9... and I sprouted boobs at an age that made it hard to deal. What ended up happening is that boys made fun of me at 9 for having boobs... and I developed a complex. I spent years and years dealing with hating my body because of those remarks.

 

I can remember the remark that actually sent me over the edge. I remember it to this day- and I am 38 now, and the damage that remark caused was when I was 12.

 

Don't go down that route. There is too much evidence to the contrary that you are ignoring. Pretty girls are attracted to you.... You are internalizing a remark that hit a chord with you because you were already sensitive to it. You have to let it go.

 

Dude, I went down to 105 lbs because my ex's mother validated a concern about my body that I had always been sensitive about. Don't do that to yourself!

 

Thanks D-Lish. I've read your reply over and over.

 

I understand this about guys, but this remark was different - it was genuine. And it still hurts. Don't know how to let it go now. It's controlled my emotions for this long. Can't just bury it.

 

No matter what anyone says, I will not believe that freckles ARE enticing. At least not the majority think this way. There is too much evidence that says otherwise.

[KinAZ]

Hi KinAZ,

 

Not a readhead - blondish hair w/ redish facial hair with (I think) a lot of freckles.

 

I know not everyone thinks the same way I do, but prob the majority so.

 

Have not tried therapy. Can't - no time to nor the money to

 

Thanks for your response.

 

You should try an online search, if you haven't already. Many cities or counties offer free mental health services for people to speak with therapists, counselors, etc. And if not free, they may have ones that offer lower fees depending on your income etc. It's at least worth checking into.

 

My mom has freckles, and if I could take yours I would. I've been dying my hair red for so long that I forget that I was born a brunette.

[endlesstrains]

No matter what anyone says, I will not believe that freckles ARE enticing. At least not the majority think this way. There is too much evidence that says otherwise.

 

I think you are too hung up on a really minor issue. Of course it seems huge to you, because it bothers you so much, and is a personal dislike of yourself. But in the big scheme of things, freckles mean nothing... there is nothing wrong with freckles. Some people are going to be attracted to them, some won't care, and maybe some will be repulsed, but that's just because they don't prefer freckles... even if your entire face is covered with thick freckles like some very pale redheads have, it's not that big a deal. Some people might like it, some people won't care. Some people will dislike it but there's always going to be people who dislike something about you or your body, that's just how it goes.

[zicke]

I have freckles too, and I love them. People think I am 10-15 years younger than I am because of them. So, when you reach a certain age, freckles will give you a youthful aura. I have never had someone not want to date me because of them. In fact, most guys tell me it sets me apart from other women..that and my personality. Freckles are hot. I wouldn't give them up for anything.

 

I think everyone has had that one comment that still sticks with them today. You just have to remember that most people, when they say mean things to you are actually saying it about themselves. They are looking in a mirror when being cruel to you. It's their issue, don't make it yours and never let someone determine your self worth. You should read Miguel Ruiz--the four agreements. It would help you realize that you never need to take on other's issues.

[josie54]

No matter what anyone says, I will not believe that freckles ARE enticing. At least not the majority think this way. There is too much evidence that says otherwise.

 

What "evidence"? I'd like to see it. And when you say things like this, you not just directing it to yourself--you're directing it to other people with freckles. The comment is no less mean and ignorant when you say it to yourself than it was when your friend said it your freshman year. You have no idea about the other people in the world with freckles who'll also be hearing/reading commments like that.

 

For one, ME! I'm covered with freckles, head to toe! I have red frizzy hair and the freckles to go with it. They're not just on my nose and cheeks (you know, that "dusting" of freckles that make children adorable), but on my eyelids, forehead, lips, hands, arms, and legs (does that make me super adorable? ).

 

I must admit, that there was a time I wish I didn't have them. But I've gotten over that. In the 6th grade, an exchange student from Mexico was at our school and she looked at my legs and was shocked. She'd never seen so many freckles before! She thought it was funny (she was great, so I was not scarred for life ).

 

I was a cheerleader and on student council. I had many friends. Even today, people sometimes stop me in stores to say how they like my freckles. (There's your "evidence.") I say this not to over-inflate myself, but to show you that it's not your freckles holding you back. Your mindset is. As long as you believe your freckles aren't enticing, you're going to be missing out on a lot of the great things that make up who you are.

 

You need to expand your worldview and your definition of what "beautiful" or "handsome" is--expand it beyond one kid who said one idiot thing to you your freshman year. There are 5,999,999,999 other people on the planet whose opinions you haven't yet sought out. Go out on a busy street one day and ask 100 people what they think of your freckles. I'd guess the majority of them would say they're cool.

 

Not to mention that people have their preferences: some prefer blondes or brunettes (or redheads), or tea or coffee, or short or tall, some like freckles and some won't. That's the nature of humanity. I'm sure you have your preferences, too. You find some physical attributes more attractive than others. There's no need for you to take other people's preferences so personally.

 

I like my freckles. They make me different, and people notice me. If your friend were to walk down the street, he'd blend right in. If you were to walk down the street with the right attitude (owning those freckles because they're special and different), you'd be noticed in a good way.

 

Would you walk up to me and tell me that my freckles were ugly? If not, why do you tell yourself that in the mirror every day? My freckles are cool--and so are yours, even if you won't admit it.

[confused2007]

KinAZ - thanks for that info. I'll see if I can find anymore info on that.

 

Endlesstrains - thanks for your sensible reply. I have a lot of freckles - forehead, eyelids, few on my lips, etc that I cannot come to terms with. I highly dislike them and feel that most in general will also. Maybe this is true, maybe it isn't. How do I know for sure?

 

Zicke - thanks for your support. I just don't understand when people say, "It's their issue, not yours." That just seems like total bs. Why would they say it in the first place. Ya, they may be cruel, but the point is that they really thought that. And there is a reason they thought that, right?

 

Josie - I'm sorry if my thread has hurt YOU in anyway. That of course wasn't my attention. I am also covered in freckles. And I do need to expand my view, thanks for bringing that to my attention, I just don't know how.

[D-Lish]

Well, I will tell you again... A guy with freckles isn't something I'd see as a turn off at all. I went out with a pasty white irish guy that had a heavily freckled face... and I thought he was cute as hell.

 

But if it does bother you that much- do some research about it. It's important to feel good about yourself- and if you think that could do the trick- than why not see what treatments are available.

 

People bleach their privates in this day and age to remove discoloration:lmao:.... so I imagine anything is possible!!!

[You'reasian]

I've always had a slight tan and maybe some freckles as a kid. Never really bothered me too much but I'll try to be sympathetic to your situation.

 

hmmm...are you sure its not just something that you're oversensitive about? I know it bothers you but why do you let this bother you?

[shadowplay]

The only way to get rid of freckles that I know of is to protect yourself from the sun. For a pale person freckles are your body's response to sun damage. If you get a chemical peel and don't protect yourself from the sun hardcore after, the freckles will just reappear even darker than before because peels make your skin more sensitive to the sun. I'm not saying you should avoid going out in the day, but wear a strong sunscreen whenever you do that protects against UVA and B rays (many sunscreens only filter out UVBs). If you live in America, you may have to order a good sunscreen online from a European vendor.

[lemony fresh]

I do agree with the sunblock thing. Neutrogena has some good ones now, which are cutting edge and really high SPF.

 

That said, it sounds like you have had experience dating attractive women and they find you attractive, even "hot" you said.

This leads me to believe that you are indeed attractive and are overly sensitive. That guy in high school might have been putitng you down a peg since he was jealous of your athletic abilities. Kids in high school can be CRUEL.

[Taramere]

That guy in high school might have been putitng you down a peg since he was jealous of your athletic abilities. Kids in high school can be CRUEL.

 

That was my first thought. Gamesmanship can be pretty vicious

 

I have a confession to make in hopes of breaking free from this negativity chain that continuously runs my life and prevents me from being who I really am.

 

Right. Nine years ago you walked away from a chance to play a sport you presumably enjoyed (football) because someone else at the tryouts decided to take a pop at you....which is what people do when they're feeling competitive and trying to psyche you out. Why do you think sports psychology is such big business? Why do you think so many people who have natural ability don't live up to their potential - or to other people's expectations?

 

Isn't it, in a lot of cases, because they care too much what others think? Spend time worrying about freckles or pulling unaesthetic facial expressions while they're exerting themselves? Brood over snide comments?

 

I firmly believe that one of the reasons men don't tend to get embroiled in bitchiness to the extent that many women do is because more of them play sport - and if they're to be any good at their chosen sport, they have to learn to shrug off snide comments or attempts to psyche them out instead of getting all worked up. Hold their poise and focus on the game instead of the gamesmanship.

 

Go out in the sun, play some football and get a faceful of freckles. If someone teases you about them, picture that person as your sporting rival trying to psyche you out - shrug or laugh their comments off and refocus. That dick in high school didn't stop you playing football, and nor did your freckles. Your inability to deal with the competitive underhand techniques out that people employ (and will always employ) on eachother is what stopped you.

[confused2007]

Thanks for all of your responses.

 

You'reasian - it's not just a few freckles, it's a body full and yes I am over overly sensitive about it. It was something of a problem with me before that kid made the comment, this just intensified it. This bothers me because I feel unattractive.

 

shadowplay - are European sunscreens supposedly stronger? I don't necessarily keep getting new freckles, but they just darker with more sun. If I always use sunscreen, I'll be extremely pasty.

 

lemony fresh - that kid wasn't jealous. We were on the same team and not competing against each other, but working together. I think he was just being honest and cruel.

 

Taramere - I think you're right that many men are forced to shrug off snide comments (Especially in sports) and focus on the bigger picture to excel. I recognize and understand this. Guess I'm just naturally overly sensitive about things and hard on myself. Always been this way.

 

All of you are great.

[daphne]

confused,

 

I'll preface this with the statement that I liked my own freckles. However, I played years of tennis out in the hot sun, and my freckles started to turn darker and get 4x + larger than they started out so ihad a chemical peel to remove them. They had become sunspots which is a sign of aging that I didn't really want. The chemical peel removed about 80% of them, but it took 6 months to heal as the doctor was far too aggressive. I wouldn't necessarily recommend this, and probably wouldn't do it again if I had to do it over again. I was just afraid of sunspots, not freckles. My freckles made me look younger before they got so big.

 

I use L'oreal ombrelle with mexoryl in it spf of about 45 or 60. It's one of the two best sunscreens available. It's fda approved now but really only available online right now. I use it religiously. I also use the lip balm because you can get skin cancer there as well.

[Taramere]

Taramere - I think you're right that many men are forced to shrug off snide comments (Especially in sports) and focus on the bigger picture to excel. Guess I'm just naturally overly sensitive about things and hard on myself. Always been this way.

 

You talk about them being forced to shrug off snide comments as though they're being brutalised, but try looking at it another way. You're playing a sport. Your opponent pulls an unethical stunt to psyche you out. Your game starts going to pieces. You lose. You learn that mastering the emotions that well up (anger, distress) when someone does something unfair are essential if you're to start improving and winning at the game.

 

This isn't a "man" thing. I promise you that women experience plenty in the way of snideness, bitchiness and passive aggression. We're judged on our looks more than men are. Femininity is still popularly equated with all things weak, corrupt or in some other way unacceptable. Why do you think Fight Club was such a roaring success?

 

It's not a perfect world. To manage, we have to learn balance conflict and co-operation. Try our best to shrug off other people's envy, issues, dirty competitive tactics and energy/happiness sapping "truths" . The more sensitive you are, the more difficult it is to do....but with practice, discipline and determination it isn't impossible. What's the alternative?

[porter218]

When I started modeling I noticed what some of the girls with freckles did to have a more even complexion. They would wear strong sun block everyday, and used mild sunless tanners to bring the skin tone closer to the color of the freckles. They would use the moisturizers that were mild tanners as well, and for the face they would use face sunless tanners for fair skin. It didn't get rid of them, but made them less obvious.

[josie54]

Confused, I still find it amazing that you've hung so much of your self-worth and image on a comment made by one person years ago. What I want to know is, what have other people said to you about your appearance? How many have said something positive?

 

Not that I want to put too much weight on what other people say. I only ask because I want know if you're obsessing over your teammate's comment while discounting positive things that multiple people may have said to you over the years, simply because the teammate's words echo the voice in your head, while other more positive opinions do not.

 

You mentioned that this was a problem before this guy said anything. In that case, his most-likely offhand remark (which very well could have been meant as a joke--cruel and not at all funny, yes, but a joke nonetheless) seemed to you to be "honest." At this point, I think you probably need to take this figurative burden off him and his remark, and instead focus more on why you're giving it so much weight. I wonder if you are, for lack of a better description, now taking his place to say these things, because it's an easy way to continue to put yourself down.

 

If that's the case, you might benefit from a little soul-searching and some kind of outlet to "talk this out" (if not with a therapist, then with a trusted friend or mentor) so that you can get past your negative perception of your appearance. No amount of cosmetic treatment is going to help you feel better about yourself if you don't first stop that negative voice from taking you over. You'd get rid of the freckles only to find something else that needs "fixing."

 

I've found that one of the best ways out of a negative spiral of thoughts is to go out and do something positive--take a class, volunteer, learn a muscial instrument, learn how to cook, take a trip, whatever it is you enjoy doing. Learn that how you look is not necessarily the definition of who you are, and that your perception of yourself as a person is not necessarily what others see when they interact with you. "Redirect your gaze," so to speak, so you see things slightly differently and you'll see that it's all much better than you think it is, and not nearly as all-encompassing.

[confused2007]

Daphne - thanks for that info. I didn't know chemical peels were capable of that. I'd prob consider that if it didn't take 6 months to heal.

 

Taramere - I def recognize that women are judged extremely closely by other ladies and I know that I'm overly sensitive. It's just always been a part of who I am.

 

Porter - thanks for the tip.

 

Josie54 - I'm sure there have been some positive comments, but prob at night when they're less noticable. I can't recall any positive remarks while in the sun.

 

How could that be a joke? What part would be funny? Def sure this wasn't a joke and certain that it was genuine.

 

I don't feel comfortable talking about this to anyone. This THREAD is the first time I've ever spoke of it and I REALLY had to make myself start this subject. It's very awkward for me to discuss this because I know how funny it prob sounds to you'll.