well everybody, feel free to crucify me

[kimba]

Well so as some may unfortunately remember, I was sex buddies with this guy between october and february. I fell for him blah blah, then we had a falling out.

 

Anyway he is back in contact. He was going to show up on monday night before work at about 930 ( a nightshift worker) . No show.

 

Next day he apologises over IM

 

Arranges for last night (wednesday night) to show up and 9pm. I said to him "can you let me know if you arent coming"

 

NO SHOW

 

NO NOTHING

 

Made a magnification of how stupid the whole f buddy thing is and how stupid I am, and how cheap, and how worthless he must see me, not even to contact me to say not showing.

 

Feel free to tell me what an idiot I am, but really, I already know.

 

 

ALSO: last time we were seeing each other I was really clingy and needy. He will be expecting me to call/ email/ text/ IM today to chase after him. Not doing it, not doing anything. I feel like an idiot.

[Keridan]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's hard to care about someone and have them treat you like you don't really matter.

 

I don't think it's any comment on you. You care about the guy and wanted to see him and that's natural and normal.

 

I think you are right not to go chasing after him or bug him about what happened. Please make sure you stick to that. It gives him the power in a situation where you already feel ignored and powerless. He will continue to abuse it and make you feel worse.

 

Please also try not to be so hard on yourself. You didn't act like an idiot, you acted like someone who wants to take a shot with someone she likes. Nothing wrong with that.

 

I hope things go better for you and I'm sorry again for what you are going through!

[kimba]

Ofcourse, I dont know what he is thinking, but it is kind of like he is testing me, maybe to see if i am as clingy or needy as i was before.

 

He would be expecting me to IM or email or something to ask why he didnt show up. the last time we were seeing each other, i would have done that by now....

 

It really made me feel bad though.

[Keridan]

It was a lousy thing to do. I did a lot of dating before I was married and I never stood anyone up. Twice? He's thoughtless at best and just plain mean at worst.

 

You may be right that he's testing you, but do you want to play that game if he is? It really doesn't have a good ending. You have already gotten attached to him once so even if you pass his test and get together, it will likely happen again. If you don't pass his test, you get hurt again even quicker. Better not to play in my opinion.

 

I think you would be much better off letting this one out of your life and finding a guy who doesn't need to play games or isn't rude. They are out there.

 

Still, I know it's no fun to care about someone and feel like you do. I'm sorry again for your frustration

[openingup]

What a s***head! This guy obviously enjoys having you want him but doesn't care to give anything back and is stringing you along. Definitely don't call him, IM or anything else. I know you're angry and rightfully so, but any action on your part just keeps the drama going and that's apparently what he wants.

 

What I want to know is: where do guys learn this kind of rude behavior? Is there some secret school they all attend from about the 8th grade onward? (If so, my ex graduated magna cum laude.)

 

Allow yourself to be truly pissed off and if he does happen to make contact, a simple "no thanks" text message will suffice - then complete silence. That should let him know he blew it. Bet he keeps calling after that; your choice on whether to ever pick up . . .

[kimba]

Not even an email saying why he didnt show up

 

Do you know that, on Tuesday morning, when we arranged to meet on wednesday night, after he did a now show on Monday night, i specifically asked him to "let me know if you are not coming"

 

and he said "sure"

 

this is over IM

i am so annoyed that he thinks im not even worth an email

[kimba]

And on Monday, before we arranged to meet up on mon night and he did the no show, he sent me an email saying how much he would love to "catch up'

 

!!!!!

 

its just a game

[kimba]

. Bet he keeps calling after that; your choice on whether to ever pick up . . .

 

Thats the thing, after he emailed me initially , I emailed back saying yeah lets get together and gave him my number.

 

Then I didnt hear anything for over a week, and normally i would email saying well where are you/ but i didnt and so then on Monday i get an email along the lines of , 'sorry have been busy with work but would love to catch up' - kind of like he had been testing me.....

[kimba]

anyone???????????????

[kimba]

You got what you asked for.

 

You agreed to be his whore / f toy.

 

Now you cry when he treats you like his whore / f toy.

 

He isn't respecting you because you don't deserve respect.

 

You don't deserve respect because you agreed to be his whore.

 

Do you really think guys respect the whore on the street corner?

 

No.

And they don't have any reason to nor should they.

 

They only visit them when they want to stick it in.

 

 

Well for the record, i am no more of a whore than he is- or is he a stud? and am i the whore just because im female.? What a double standard

[kimba]

 

 

2. Because you're so needy and clingy he doesn't even want to f you anymore. Because you're so annoying to him or you make him feel guilty because he doesn't care about you and he's using you while you're telling him you love him or want more than being f buddies. That creates pressure and discomfort which is out weighting his desire to f u.

 

3. He's bored of you. If the sex wasn't that good or you're a boring girl it may not even be worth continuing having sex with you. For guys if they're not in love with the girl or if they don't honestly enjoy the girl's personality they move on quickly cause once they've hit it, it's time to quit it.

 

 

I havent actually seen him for 5 months, and this whole idea of seeing each other again was HIS

[kimba]

That's probably because he doesn't want to experience your rage if you unload on him if he told you he's done.

 

 

 

He has never experienced any "rage" from me

[kimba]

Well I guess you crucified me

[Keridan]

Kimba, ignore the 13 year old who is posting that crap. He really doesn't speak for the general public. He's probably just hurt because all the girls at school make fun of him when he tries to get them to like him. Please don't let that crap get to you when you are already upset and down on yourself.

[kimba]

Kimba, ignore the 13 year old who is posting that crap. He really doesn't speak for the general public. He's probably just hurt because all the girls at school make fun of him when he tries to get them to like him. Please don't let that crap get to you when you are already upset and down on yourself.

 

Yeah/ Well I wonder how much of it is true. It is certainly the truth that there is the double standard that if a woman wants sex she is a whore, and if a man wants it he is a hero or a stud.

[Narf]

Wow that other guy really went for the throat... I would ignore most of what he said... But he did make a few valid points... Only that really would any person guy or girl treat someone so cruelly if they really had strong feelings for them?? I have been the Bed Buddy but it only lasted 2 times cause he treated me just like you... I figured he really didnt like me that much at all and moved on (even thou at the time it wasnt that easy) I find it so strange the way ppl act at times... Who does he think he is to treat someone else like that... I just hope that he gets what he deserves and his feelings and head get messed with by someone he likes...

[Sw3etdev1L]

Look, truth is..each story is so different.

Whatever we tell you, might work...it might not work.

Why don't you let him go? if he feels something for you, and he sees you might not be there forever whenever you wants you to be there, then he could change his attitude.

Don't take it seriously.

You know, when you are a woman, you start feeling the need to be with the person you are with. Men start feeling they already had you, now you are going to want something more serious and they start acting different.

Let him go, if he cares for you, he will react.

My parents started their relationship by having a "lets see were this takes us" mentality. They didn't label themselves boyfriend and girlfriend. So I assume you could call this a bed buddy. I don't know.. sometimes they did went out with other people at the same time. But when they were going out, society didn't label things as much as...bed buddy, free, boyfriend/girlfriend, serious non serious. You know??...they just went out, had fun, had sex, lived their life like they wanted it and after ten years of that I was bornt!!!. They got married, then my sister was bornt, twenty years later they got a divorce, and now after their divorce they are still together but without the little marriage paper.

I mean, just remember...give yourself respect no matter what, be aware of what you are worth. Don't let anybody hurt you.

we might read your post and try to convince you we are right, but truth is even if you tell us your story, we don't know you and we don't know the real situation. We don't know the man you are telling us about and we don't know neither his interests or his ways of feeling so....

do as your inner voice tells you it is the right thing to do... and stop worrying.

[Keridan]

Kimba, I do see that there is still that double standard sometimes. However, among most of my friends and family, that is outdated thinking that we don't follow anymore. There is nothing wrong with anyone wanting to have whatever type of relationship they both want. And some of my guy friends are sluts. We mock in a friendly manner, we don't worship.

 

People who subscribe to that old theory aren't exactly the enlightened peole you want to take advice from, however. The idiot who posted that was just acting out and trying to be offensive. Unfortunately, they all get a voice on the net and there's no way to filter it fairly.

 

Sorry if he upset ya

[kimba]

Wow that other guy really went for the throat... I would ignore most of what he said... But he did make a few valid points... Only that really would any person guy or girl treat someone so cruelly if they really had strong feelings for them?? I have been the Bed Buddy but it only lasted 2 times cause he treated me just like you... I figured he really didnt like me that much at all and moved on (even thou at the time it wasnt that easy) I find it so strange the way ppl act at times... Who does he think he is to treat someone else like that... I just hope that he gets what he deserves and his feelings and head get messed with by someone he likes...

 

yes, the thing with this guy is that he has had HIS head messed around in the past by a lying cheating wife, and so I think he has it in for women, and thinks the only way to treat them is like last weeks leftovers... ( i came to this conclusion after the initial 5 months I spent "seeing" him.).. and now.. its just confirmed it... hey i just got on messenger and he didnt start a conversation - and ofcourse i didnt speak to him either.... me ignoring him after bad behaviour is very out of character for me... id normally chase after him looking for "explanations"..

[confused and broken]

Dude I have been there done that no need to call you an idiot because your not

You are human and you crave intimate contact pretty normal if you ask me

Normal but not healthy

 

Time to learn from your mistakes and move on

That person is who you were but does not have to be who you are

you can change anytime you want and now would be the perfect time

[kimba]

Dude I have been there done that no need to call you an idiot because your not

You are human and you crave intimate contact pretty normal if you ask me

Normal but not healthy

 

Time to learn from your mistakes and move on

That person is who you were but does not have to be who you are

you can change anytime you want and now would be the perfect time

 

yeah I have changed, because normally I would have contacting him asking him why he didnt show up , or asking why he sisnt call or email to say he wasnt coming. So pathetic..

 

Normally I would be "that girl". It is what he would be expecting. But no, it just makes him worse.

 

I'm just glad now that he didn't show up the other night, because then I would have slept with him, and either way he would be still messing me around right this minute. I would still be posting on here, saying "he slept with me and no he's not calling" blah blah blah":mad:

[asriella]

Okay, despite a vow to get off this site due to a similiar response to one of my posts by Mark_n, I want to get into this situation with you -- mainly, because it sounds like you guys are a little older (he was married).

 

I think he knows you love him. It sounds like you are like "home" to him, and there's something in standing you up that boosts his ego. I think he may have enjoyed whatever he was doing more, knowing that you were in the background waiting for him. And not showing up makes him feel so popular...so desired. When he wants to feel confident, he'll contact you because he knows that you love him deeply.

 

But what he wants is someone that doesn't love him deeply. He wants someone "above" him. Someone that's mysterious to him. Someone that he can't get at first, but then can. I think where he's at, right now, it's all about the chase. The quality of a woman is in her apathy of him, rather than her love of him. If you can think back to high school, it's sort of like that.

 

I see you caught in a cycle of something that has to do with him, his ego, and his confidence. I'm guessing that you make him feel like he's really something. i'm guessing he considers you his biggest fan. And as much as he may like you (genuinely), he needs that.

 

This is just my theory and I don't have much to go on here, but I remember back to a situation I was in with a guy sort of like that. Having said that, I don't think it necessarily means this guy is a horrible person. I think he's a person that knows that you love him, and can't respect you for it.

 

So...what do you do. I'm sure you are dying to talk to him. With each movement away, you want to get closer. You want that acceptance. It's a horrible feeling. So here's what I would suggest:

 

Knock him off the high horse he's on in your mind. Speak badly about him to friends. Write his weaknesses down. Make yourself disgusted by him. Focus on his negative qualities and allow yourself to experience the same euphoria in not responding. In other words, when he texts you (or however you communicate), enjoy being cold. Play that game back.

 

I guess I believe that words and actions, even when insincere, lead feelings. I'm a big supporter of creating self-defences. I'm also a big supporter of leaning on female power in situations like this. (Check out Ani DiFranco's first album -- especially the song, She's Fixing Her Hair). If you pulverize the feeling that he likes you secretly and these problems are leading to his behavior, and you decide that you are more powerful than all that -- even if it's superficial -- you WILL stop feeling so pathetic. Trust me on this.

 

So,

 

1. Start focusing on his weaknesses.

 

2. Enjoy rejecting him. Use all your self-control to do it and feel smug about it.

 

3. Involve yourself in a ton of activity and plans, even if you're not having fun because you're consumed by this...just fake that you are.

 

4. Check out

or another strong female singer, and use those words to build you up.

 

Don't even think about the "end" of the story. It doesn't even matter right now. It doesn't really matter what he's even doing. You need to stop feeling this way. You need to get out of this now. You need to take the power back.

[lonelyisme]

Don't feel like an idiot, just learn from your mistakes and move on... You were smart enough, you knew this would happen, or you wouldn't have questioned it in the past (why did you come here? To talk about how great it was going? I wouldn't think so...)

 

Now, does he think you are cheap? I don't know, but don't feel that way about yourself... Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are worth a billion! Don't let anyone in the future get your gem without giving one of his own. Learn from this, and you won't be an idiot.

 

However, if you don't learn, I'm sorry, you are an idiot. Friends with bennefits always sounds good, but if a relationship doesn't go further, it will die. What I mean is, sex without emotion is ok 1-2 times, but after that either both people fall in love or the relationship dies. Anyways, you are a good person and deserve happiness, go out and get it. I'm sure you'll find someone that will give you sex (we all want that) and give you, or return love to you (most certainly all of us want that in life, I know I do).

 

Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself... If anything, think about the good time(s) you had with him, and then treat him and look at him the same way as he did you, a toy...

[Mary3]

Here's the strategy :

 

Never get ready for a date until it is confirmed 2 hours prior by phone . With that and a call from him thats he's on his way gives you some backing.

Always have plan B. Meaning the guy does not show up , you go and do whatever else it is with that plan B.

 

If he is more than 30 min late , leave .

 

15 min workable. Why is he running late ? Does he seemed concerned that he is late ?

 

Do not tolerate rude behavior :

 

That is defined as :

 

No call , no show .

 

No response with one hour after failed show.

 

Failure to email , text or call 2 hours after flaker behavior.

 

Now on to this piece of work. :

 

He does not respect you. He does not care about you. He just wants to make sex with you.

 

He deserves NOTHING back.

 

Always remember : Never give energy to someone who isn't giving the same energy back.

[kimba]

Okay, despite a vow to get off this site due to a similiar response to one of my posts by Mark_n, I want to get into this situation with you -- mainly, because it sounds like you guys are a little older (he was married).

 

I think he knows you love him. It sounds like you are like "home" to him, and there's something in standing you up that boosts his ego. I think he may have enjoyed whatever he was doing more, knowing that you were in the background waiting for him. And not showing up makes him feel so popular...so desired. When he wants to feel confident, he'll contact you because he knows that you love him deeply.

 

But what he wants is someone that doesn't love him deeply. He wants someone "above" him. Someone that's mysterious to him. Someone that he can't get at first, but then can. I think where he's at, right now, it's all about the chase. The quality of a woman is in her apathy of him, rather than her love of him. If you can think back to high school, it's sort of like that.

 

I see you caught in a cycle of something that has to do with him, his ego, and his confidence. I'm guessing that you make him feel like he's really something. i'm guessing he considers you his biggest fan. And as much as he may like you (genuinely), he needs that.

 

This is just my theory and I don't have much to go on here, but I remember back to a situation I was in with a guy sort of like that. Having said that, I don't think it necessarily means this guy is a horrible person. I think he's a person that knows that you love him, and can't respect you for it.

 

So...what do you do. I'm sure you are dying to talk to him. With each movement away, you want to get closer. You want that acceptance. It's a horrible feeling. So here's what I would suggest:

 

Knock him off the high horse he's on in your mind. Speak badly about him to friends. Write his weaknesses down. Make yourself disgusted by him. Focus on his negative qualities and allow yourself to experience the same euphoria in not responding. In other words, when he texts you (or however you communicate), enjoy being cold. Play that game back.

 

I guess I believe that words and actions, even when insincere, lead feelings. I'm a big supporter of creating self-defences. I'm also a big supporter of leaning on female power in situations like this. (Check out Ani DiFranco's first album -- especially the song, She's Fixing Her Hair). If you pulverize the feeling that he likes you secretly and these problems are leading to his behavior, and you decide that you are more powerful than all that -- even if it's superficial -- you WILL stop feeling so pathetic. Trust me on this.

 

So,

 

1. Start focusing on his weaknesses.

 

2. Enjoy rejecting him. Use all your self-control to do it and feel smug about it.

 

3. Involve yourself in a ton of activity and plans, even if you're not having fun because you're consumed by this...just fake that you are.

 

4. Check out

or another strong female singer, and use those words to build you up.

 

Don't even think about the "end" of the story. It doesn't even matter right now. It doesn't really matter what he's even doing. You need to stop feeling this way. You need to get out of this now. You need to take the power back.

 

I love Ani difranco..

 

He does know that I have/had feelings for him. I told him the last time we were 'seeing' each other.

 

I haven't contacted him - with the mindset of "hey if u are not going to contact me then im not contacting you"

 

Last time we were seeing each other, he only stood me up once and the reason was that afternoon he was retrenched from his job. But I chased him up the next day asking why he didnt turn up etc. So thats what he would have expected.- me chasing him up.

 

Well its sunday now, and he did the no show on wednesday night.

 

I suspect that he called me last night on my mobile and my home phone (it might be a new number he is calling from ). I didnt answer in case it was him ,and it was like 6pm on a saturday night and i definately wasnt going to seem available then!

 

 

i am definately feeling smug and stronger by not contacting him. He definatley is on a high horse- thinking he can turn up or not turn up.... He drives past my place to go to work - (starts at 10 pm) so he probably thinks he can rock up anytime.

 

i really liked your post - so thankyou