littlepixie Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 Hi, I'm new here but I've come to a point in my life where I'm really confused and could do with some advice. My boyfriend has recently told me that he intends to propose sometime soon and that my ring is already on order. So far so good, I'm happy as I love him with all my heart and cant imagine my life without him. I have some doubts about myself though so I'll start at the beginning. We're approaching seven years together, I'm 23 and he's 25. I've been with him since I was just 16 and was still at school. We had both never had other relationships and were both virgins. Everything was fine, we rarely argue and we're best friends. At 17 I went on holiday with some girlfriends which he was fine about and I remained completely faithful because I loved him. The following year I wanted to go on holiday with them again, I was just 19 and not ready to give up my friends and settle down yet. He said he was fine with the idea but the day before I was due to travel I met him to say goodbye and he was cold telling me that I had better go cos he "knew I was just going to sleep around when I got on holiday". I was hurt, I'd never done anything to betray his trust and when I tried to tell him goodbye and that I loved him again the next day he just blanked me. Anyway (sorry to go on) I went on holiday and I was so angry with my boyfriend I didn't call him again and I resolved to end the relationship when I got home. Whilst on holiday I met a man who was a friend of my girlfriend's partners. After about a week I kissed him and a few days later whilst a little drunk we had sex. The day before I came home I rang home and my mum told me my boyfriend had had an accident and I was so upset. I realised that even though he had hurt me I still loved him so much and instantly regretted my fling. I came home, visited my boyfriend and got tested for STDs. I'd had safe sex but I wasn't taking any risks and I could never put my boyfriend's health at risk. I never told him what happened on holiday or why and we carried on as before. We had a rough few months but we've been happy ever since. Its now 4 years later and we're really happy together hence the forthcoming proposal. My boyfriend doesn't know that I cheated but I still feel the guilt and would never do it again; even the idea of cheating makes me feel sick now. My boyfriend still thinks that he is the only person I've ever kissed or had sex with. I love him with all my heart but I don't know if I can base a marriage on this lie. Do I tell him and hope that he forgives me but risk losing him or do I keep it a secret? I will never do anything like that again and it already seems so long ago. We've both grown up since then and our relationship has moved on but I don't know if I can. Any advice would be appreciated and I apologise for such a long post. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 I find it strange that he was fine with you going one year and then the next year not. You say you'd never given him reason to doubt your fidelity. It makes me think he had at least messed around on you at some point. The saying goes that the guilty heart is never trusting. I let my fiance read your post and he immediately thought the same - your guy cheated and just figured you'd do it too. But then you go and do exactly what he accused you likely to do. I realize you were even younger than you are now and more prone to being reactionary and having poor judgement. But that is obviously a part of your personality; being reactionary. You can't promise you won't do something like that again. And trying to pin your actions on your boyfriend isn't a very mature thing to do. Sure he accused you of being trifling, but he didn't MAKE you sleep with that guy. You chose to do that. You could've come back home with the intention of dumping him without having slept with some guy who couldn't have cared about you. That choice was allll about you and your ability to deal with relationship problems. Marriages have ups and downs and you got to be able to deal with them in a less destructive way. You have two options. Tell him and be prepared to get dumped and/or find out he did the same first. Can you accept that either way? Or you can sit on it and hope you don't react childishly again. I would recommend a good looonnnngggg engagement if you decide to not say anything. You are both still, IMO, too young to be getting married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlepixie Posted July 3, 2008 Author Share Posted July 3, 2008 Thanks sally4sara for your quick reply. I know that no one made me sleep with that guy and I've only got myself to blame. Just wanted to explain the circumstances that's all. Was actually really an out of character thing for me to do. I'm quite shy and was with my current boyfriend for a year before I would do anything with him. Think we were both too young when we got together but then again at 16 I would never have imagined still being with him today. Funny how things work out. I was young and stupid and just don't want something that seems to have happened so long ago to ruin something that is wonderful today. Think I'm going to tell him, can't deal with the lies. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 Thanks sally4sara for your quick reply. I know that no one made me sleep with that guy and I've only got myself to blame. Just wanted to explain the circumstances that's all. Was actually really an out of character thing for me to do. I'm quite shy and was with my current boyfriend for a year before I would do anything with him. Think we were both too young when we got together but then again at 16 I would never have imagined still being with him today. Funny how things work out. I was young and stupid and just don't want something that seems to have happened so long ago to ruin something that is wonderful today. Think I'm going to tell him, can't deal with the lies. I think you are doing the right thing. However do be prepared for this guy to break up with you. I have a question though..why did you not tell him 4 years ago? Why are you feeling the urge to tell him right now? Because you are about to be engaged? I agree that keeping secrets and lies is no way to enter a marriage, however being that this was so long ago, he might get angry just for the simple fact that you kept this a secret for so much of your relationship. I think you should tell him, but be prepared for some possibly messy consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlepixie Posted July 3, 2008 Author Share Posted July 3, 2008 I never really imagined still being with this guy after all this time, I didn't think that first loves ever really worked out so I never thought it would go on this long or that we'd be so happy. I guess I was scared at first and just kept putting off telling him and now it seems so important. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 First off, don't blame your having sex with that guy on alcohol. I don't know why women do that. No, I don't think you should tell your bf. He will not take it well and I doubt if he will ever get it out his head. I would ask God for forgiveness and move on. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 First off, don't blame your having sex with that guy on alcohol. I don't know why women do that. No, I don't think you should tell your bf. He will not take it well and I doubt if he will ever get it out his head. I would ask God for forgiveness and move on. Good Luck! I personally would NEVER want to marry someone who I had not been aware had cheated on me. I agree that her bf won't take it well, but I think everyone should think about it from her bf's perspective. Littlepixie, I don't think you'd be too happy marrying someone who you had not found out had cheated on you and lied about it. Would you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlepixie Posted July 3, 2008 Author Share Posted July 3, 2008 No i wouldn't laurie. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend but I've already been stupid enough to do the damage and I'm starting to think that a breakup now (if that's what it comes to) would be better for all involved than a divorce later if he found out. Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 I wouldn't tell him. Doing so will certainly end the relationship. I think at this stage, telling him is self-serving, as it is only to ease your guilt and pain. Link to post Share on other sites
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 I'm really shocked at all the people who would continue to lie! How could you live with yourselves? How could you feel good about your relationship, knowing it only continues because there is this huge lie the other doesn't know about? Link to post Share on other sites
backto1 Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 I wouldn't say a damn thing. This was a long time ago and there's a big difference between 19 and 23. But telling him now would make it feel like it happened yesterday for him. Telling would ruin you guys' future and taint his every memory from the past. This is the one occasion where I would keep my mouth shut. If you ever feel like straying again...I would recommend you end it immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
GPFan Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 Tell him. It's the right thing to do for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Prodigal Princess Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 I wouldn't tell him. Doing so will certainly end the relationship. I think at this stage, telling him is self-serving, as it is only to ease your guilt and pain. I concur with Bean. If you're prepared for the relationship to end over this, then go ahead. Frankly, it doesn't seem worth it. And if on the off chance he stays with you, the relationship will be marred forever by his distrust of you. He will use the lie as leverage in every future argument you ever get into. Again, it is just not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Davey McG Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 Its amazing how many people are advocating lying here. Even if it was 4 years ago, as a man I would want to know so that I could make an informed decision on who I was marrying. He may see it as a silly youthful mistake and forgive you (he even mentioned before you went that he suspected you). He may end the relationship and feel he can't trust you again. By not telling him, you are lying. Any relationship built on a lie like this is not worth a penny, and trust me, it will come out eventually. Tell him and live with the consequences of your own choices and actions. Take some responsibility. You never know, he may have done the same and might forgive you. Whatever happens as a result of telling him is probably for the best (though maybe not for your relationship) Cheating is a pretty harsh thing to do, but so is lying about it for so long. I know how I would feel after marriage when this had come out. I would feel I had made an error and my wife wasn't the person I though I'd married. It would be more damaging to the marriage if it was found out after the wedding Come on people, take some responsibility for your actions. Don't blame the alcohol and don't think its ok to lie because you want this relationship to work. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 OK, since the jury is deadlocked How about some pre-marital counseling? What comes will come. Your path will be a natural one for you. My wishes for you and your BF to share that path. I will echo the suggestion for a substantial engagement length. No hurry here. Long life ahead of you. Kudos to you for taking responsibility for yours and your BF's sexual health, regardless of the moral implications. Welcome to LS! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 The only reason I say don't tell him is because you guys aren't married yet. If you were married and this happened by all means tell him. You have no marital commitment to this guy yet. You never know what he has hiding in his closet! Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 Entering into a partnership requires complete disclosure. A marriage partnership built on fraud is a shaky castle. Take your knocks sooner than later. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 I wouldn't tell him. I think at this stage, telling him is self-serving, as it is only to ease your guilt and pain. I agree with Jilly. Your sexual indiscretion happened a long time ago, when you were young and exploring. It really sounds as if you've punished yourself long enough over this -- in my view, it would be more than okay to 'get right' with yourself, again. Certainly you do need to deal with the burden of your guilt -- but not by dumping it on his shoulders (and heart.) IMO that would be an unnecessary, hurtful and uncaring act -- there is no foreseeable good other than you MAY lessen your own guilt. Make your self-forgiveness between you and your Higher Power...and possibly a therapist. Good luck for your excellent healing of a long-ago case of bad judgment ...and best wishes for a long and happy married life with your guy Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 I think you should tell him. Hopefully after some time goes by, he will be able to forgive you. He may be able to get over the cheating since it was so long ago and you were so young. However, since you were both virgins he may be most upset that another man has been with you. I realize that it means the same thing. But I am talking about him knowing that he was the only man you had ever been with might be a big deal to him. I think it is great that you are taking responsibility for your past actions and will be entering the marriage honestly. You never know, maybe he will share a bit of information with you as well. I hope it all works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 I wouldn't even consider telling him at this point. It was 4 years ago?? I agree with JB that telling him now would only be self serving. He will most likely break up with you if you reveal this- at the very least, if he stayed, you would be setting yourself up for a long time of angst and strife. You know yourself best- if this was a one time thing- keep it under your hat. If it's indicative of a pattern you think you might slip back into... then I wouldn't marry him. It's been 4 years man... you've punished yourself and what you did doesn't make you a horrible human being. You made a mistake and you know you did. Telling him now will hurt and confuse him needlessly. I disagree that people must go into a marriage with complete and utter full disclosure. When I married my husband- he didn't know every single detail about my past, and I didn't know every single detail about his... and didn't want to. When we got married, we loved each other like crazy and had the best intentions with one another for our future. That was cool for me and cool for him. You tell your bf about this, then you can expect to lose him, or at the very least- cause considerable and perhaps irrepairable damage to the relationship. Keep it to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
lemony fresh Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 I think he deserved to be cheated on since he was really awful to you before you left on that trip. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts