Is it ok to still work with the ex om/ow..how would you feel?

[smooth]

I would love it if you guys can help me out with a debate my husband and I have been having.

 

First of all I was in a year long affair with my co worker it was emotional as well as physical I did consider leaving my husband for my co worker to make a long story short things changed and I decided to stay with my husband(by the way my co worker is also married)

 

It has been 8 months since the affair ended we still work at the same place it is a very small company so we see each other daily we have not talked,but I'm sure we will have too because of work related issue's.

 

My husband has been putting pressure on me to find another job,he says two people who were involved in a affair cannot work together and expect the marriage to survive.

 

He is always wondering if I am talking to ex om.

 

This is a job I planned on staying at for the rest of my life as well as om,so my husband says that means om has to be inhis life until I retire which is not anytime soon.

 

My husband thinks I will start another affair with om,he is giving me a year to quit.

 

I think A person can stay in the same work place as x om/ow without getting involved again what do you guys think? It's been 8 months and my husband still worries about this.

 

My husband will be reading the feedback as well.

[torranceshipman]

Can't say I blame your husband - it must really hurt him knowing you see the guy you had the A with every day...if you really want to make the M work, I'd move to a different company and make it a priority. I think you are putting your H through way too much, and remember that your H forgave you and committed to stayin in the M, which is great of him, and he probably needs to see the same type of commitment to you.

 

Just an observation: sounds like your H has been through a lot already and he's still in the position of having to give you ultimatums to get away from the OM-that can't be a nice feeling for him.

[Billie63]

I'd feel exactly the same as your husband. And the fact he had the grace to forgive you means that you have to make a sacrifice. And leave that job.

 

Irrespective of whether or not the A could start up again, it is so disrespectful to your husband for you to be having any kind of contact with the OM.

 

I hope you're never in the position your husband is - because I don't see how you can honestly say you'd be happy with him having contact if it were the other way around.

 

OK, you thought it was a job for life - therefore you should have not started up the A - you shouldn't dump on your own doorstep.

 

Plenty of other cheaters have given up their jobs and found another job rather than share airspace with the OW/OM. Why should you be any different?

[smooth]

I stay at my job for financial reason,my husband know's,my husband does not work he is in school at night and takes care of our kids during the daytime,also a few classes online.

 

If I go else where I know I may not make as much money which is why I stay where I am at.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I wonder what would happen if he slept at someone at his job, ended the affair and then had the audacity to say, oh hey we still work together but nothing happens anymore!

 

WTF???????

 

WTFF??????

 

Hell no!!!! you need to leave immediately. I would not trust you for nothing if you do not show a willingless to help me heal. Your job is not worth loosing your family. You dont want to leave because you still want to be around the OM. Ask yourself could you trust your man if he still was around the OW away from you and everyone else? Why would he trust you????

 

I wouldnt! And you know what If I was your husband and I forgave you and I asked you to leave your job to not be around the OM so we can heal and rebuildand you told me, well I need the money. I would be at the divorce attourney the very. next. day!!!

 

We would be so done.

 

Without trust you have nothing. and why would he trust you?

[torranceshipman]

I think the biggest problem here is that you don't seem to care very much. 'I might not earn as much somewhere else' is not good enough as an excuse. You need to start lookin hard for something else if you really care about your M.

 

If you dont you'll probably end up losing your H...

 

...also he is at home studying but not earning, and lookin after the kids (f/t job in itself), and there you are, at work with the guy you had an A with EVERY day...maybe he feels very emasculated and I am sure is pretty miserable for him.

[smooth]

I don't want to have a affair with om anymore that has been over we do not want each other anymore.

 

At first my husband never told me to leave my job,he would just say he does'nt know if he cn handle having him in our life,he says he can't forget about the affair or move on knowing I still see him at work now he's just pressuring me every other day to find another job he says he will give me a yeah to find another workplace.

 

I still think 2 people who had been involved in a affair can work together without starting it up again because I am living proof I do not have any interest in om anymore I want to stay in my marriage my husband should trust me.

[2sunny]

I stay at my job for financial reason,my husband know's,my husband does not work he is in school at night and takes care of our kids during the daytime,also a few classes online.

 

If I go else where I know I may not make as much money which is why I stay where I am at.

 

this is an easy way to justify staying. if you respect your husband and your marriage - you will find another job.

 

you know he is in pain everyday and you are ignoring the change that needs to be made for a healthy marriage. is your job the priority or your marriage?

 

staying at the job is somewhat passive aggressive. you can always find a million reasons to stay so you can continue to keep tabs on your XOM.

 

how hurtful to your H is this? you are disrespecting him and his feelings and your marriage.

 

justify staying all you want - but in your heart you know what needs to be done in order to show your H and the marriage the respect it deserves.

 

 

if you don't quit - then just leave him now so that he can have peace of mind in not wondering everyday what could happen with OM always hanging around the work place.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I don't want to have a affair with om anymore that has been over we do not want each other anymore.

 

At first my husband never told me to leave my job,he would just say he does'nt know if he cn handle having him in our life,he says he can't forget about the affair or move on knowing I still see him at work now he's just pressuring me every other day to find another job he says he will give me a yeah to find another workplace.

 

I still think 2 people who had been involved in a affair can work together without starting it up again because I am living proof I do not have any interest in om anymore I want to stay in my marriage my husband should trust me.

 

Again, your placing yourself above your husband and his wishes!!!!! your being selfish, very selfish!!!! Stop putting yourself first and help your husband heal! If that meant leaving for his heart to heal so he wont have nightmares, so he wont worry, he wont be anxious. Leave the damn job.

 

I dont think any man who's learned their wife had the affair with a co-worker and continued to still work with them, DOES NOT FOSTER THE TRUTH!

 

you lied about the affair and everything before why would he trust you!???

 

I wouldnt You got a year. and I was you I'd start looking for something else right now. It isnt proof it's straight disrespect. Again if your Husband had a OW and still worked with her, could you trust him after!??????

[Tomcat33]

I still think 2 people who had been involved in a affair can work together without starting it up again because I am living proof I do not have any interest in om anymore I want to stay in my marriage my husband should trust me.

 

 

In a normal relationship jealousy or doubt can be worked around in this situation all bets are off.

 

Smooth you betrayed your H with a co-worker it is NOT fair to him to have to live for the rest of his days with that cloud of doubt hanging over his head, it is just NOT fair and quite frankly I think it is too much to ask of another human being.

 

Can you imagine how hard it must be for him to know you are faced with seeing this guy every single day? Have some empathy please.

 

You may very well have 0 intentions of starting up again but knowing that every single day, every single week, for a big chunk of the day you are practically feet away from the man that was once your lover is sheer torture for your H. If you can't see that yourself, then I am afraid you are acting rather selfishly.

 

Unless your H comes to HIS own terms with having you work there, then there is not much you can do to go against his wishes. If you want to mend your marriage you need to comply to HIS terms. You had a chance to be trusted and you blew it there is no reason why he should trust you in the very same situation again. That is the harsh reality of what you bargained for.

[Tomcat33]

I want to stay in my marriage my husband should trust me.

 

 

He did trust that and where did it get him?

[smooth]

I appreciate all the feedback please trust me when I say the affair is over I am not trying to keep tabs on him.

 

My question was is it possible for 2 people who have had a affair in the past continue to work together and just keep it at a work level,I think it is my husband does not has anyone been in a situation where it worked out fine?

[Tomcat33]

My question was is it possible for 2 people who have had a affair in the past continue to work together and just keep it at a work level,I think it is my husband does not has anyone been in a situation where it worked out fine?

 

 

Ok fine to answer that aspect of the question and if we compartmentalize the ideas then.

 

YES two people can work together post affair, OF COURSE THEY CAN!!! If it is just the two of them and they do not need to take into account signficant other's feelings then yeah why not?

 

But that fact is it doesn't matter if it can work out or not if it means at the expense of your H's suffering. Understand?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hell no!!! lol.

 

Good lord you dont just understand until it happens to you.

 

I dont condone affairs but damn it be a hilarious day if the husband got fed up and ran off with an OW. all because you wouldnt leave your job.

[smooth]

Lets say my husband was fine with xom and I working together he trusted me and forgave me and knew in his heart I regreted the affair and I would not do it again so he was fine and was not feeling insecure or threaten by om it would work then right?

 

Just because I had a affair with him once does not mean it will happen again I see what I could have lost and I would not repeat that choice again.

 

I think my husband should trust me because I can be around xom every day and not get tempted.

 

When I say this to him he says well you can't predict the future.

[2sunny]

I appreciate all the feedback please trust me when I say the affair is over I am not trying to keep tabs on him.

 

My question was is it possible for 2 people who have had a affair in the past continue to work together and just keep it at a work level,I think it is my husband does not has anyone been in a situation where it worked out fine?

 

wow- just wow- you are wanting to stay in this job at the expense of your husband's comfort zone.

 

leave your husband now! your priorities aren't with him and the marriage.

 

YOU will justify yourself until the end of the earth to stay there. how selfish of you. i hope you love your job that much.

 

let your husband go so that he may be happy with someone that considers him and his feelings a priority...

[Tomcat33]

Lets say my husband was fine with xom and I working together he trusted me and forgave me and knew in his heart I regreted the affair and I would not do it again so he was fine and was not feeling insecure or threaten by om it would work then right?

 

Just because I had a affair with him once does not mean it will happen again I see what I could have lost and I would not repeat that choice again.

 

I think my husband should trust me because I can be around xom every day and not get tempted.

 

When I say this to him he says well you can't predict the future.

 

 

First of all why did the A end? How did it end?

 

You think your H should trust you? Give us good reasons why he should? Not excuses but good reason.

 

I think you should earn that trust back!!! He really doesn't have to do anything. And I am sure he sees it that way too. You have a LOOOOOONG road ahead of you until you can demand that he trust you again. In the meantime staying in a job with your ex affair partner by your side at the expense of your H's emotions is extremely selfish and most importantly it does not put you even ONE step closer to being at a point where you CAN demand trust back.

 

He's right! You can't predict the future. Just as you got tempeted once with this man it can happen again.

[SerenityX2]

Lets say my husband was fine with xom and I working together he trusted me and forgave me and knew in his heart I regreted the affair and I would not do it again so he was fine and was not feeling insecure or threaten by om it would work then right?

 

Just because I had a affair with him once does not mean it will happen again I see what I could have lost and I would not repeat that choice again.

 

I think my husband should trust me because I can be around xom every day and not get tempted.

 

When I say this to him he says well you can't predict the future.

 

Okay, You do realize a M is a partnership right?

 

There's an awful lot of "I's" in there with zero regard to the "we" that it takes for a marriage.

 

Part of marriage is compromise for the good of the MARRIAGE not ONE person's wants.....that's selfish. That's call to be single.

 

He's made a huge sacrafice taking you back, it would really benefit you to wake up and realize that before it's too late, and he realizes that just maybe YOU calling all the shots isn't what he bargained for when he said "I do"

[Lookingforward]

I stay at my job for financial reason,my husband know's,my husband does not work he is in school at night and takes care of our kids during the daytime,also a few classes online.

 

Okay, in your situation, if you leave and can't find similar employment or a job that pays similar, what then? Is your H prepared to quit school and go to work? Is he prepared for the additional costs for daycare ? Is this why he has given you a year to find new employment ?

 

Aside from that, to me it sounds like you're being very selfish (big surprise there) expecting your H to "be okay" with the idea of you working closely with the exOM. How does the xOMs W feel about that ?

 

Yes, we can tell you are a trustworthy person of steadfast resolve (that's how you ended UP in the A in the first place isn't it ?)

[torranceshipman]

OK you asked, can ex affair partners still work together ok?

 

And the answer is...no. Because the H that got cheated on will have his life made hideously miserable by the ex-cheater for the rest of your M, because she 'wants to stay' and is being selfish and not really caring about how this affects him. Great.

 

I think what you are asking is 'can someone please say yeah its ok, no problem' but sorry no-one can.

 

And the point is not whether you guarantee the A wont happen again,even if you KNOW it wont (and frankly your H shouldnt be expected to trust you after what you did). The point is that you now repair the damage and you're not doing that.

 

So...no, it wont be successful.

[KATANYA]

Simply put....YES people can still work together after an affair.

 

I really don't see it being as much about staying or leaving to calm your husband's fears because, in all honesty, there will be men at EVERY job you go to. He will be very suspicious of any situation involving you and other men because you cheated on him. Right now he wants you to get away from "the devil he knows" but really what about all the ones he doesnt? It won't take long for him to develop 'issues' with other men if he hasn't dealt with his own issues surroundng the affair to begin with.

 

Perhaps you and hubby need to look at dealing with how he feels about your M, how you feel and what can be done to make your M stronger and better and "cheat proof" if that hasn't been done. Some counselling for both of you, communications, etc. because quite honestly the problem won't end with exOM......there are always going to be other men around, you are going to occassionally flirt (EVERYONE DOES!) there are going to be men that you find interesting......you can't quit jobs everytime a man is a threat to your H!!!!

 

As are as the original question, people stay in their jobs ALL THE TIME after an A but its usually not easy and there are always residual feelings (good and bad), awkward moments, and the possiblity that the A will resume. Sometimes, on very few occasions, there is simply a professional friendship and the A is behind both. Occassionally, one of the two in the A does not cope well and there is WAY TO MUCH DRAMA. Overall, it takes two really mature, professional people to carry it off and both have to give each other space, respect and respect to the othrs life and family.

 

If your husband feels he cannot move past the A unless you leave this job then you have been given an ultimatum by the man you claim to be committed to. You have to decide how 'committed' to this proces you are and H has to be realistic about what he wants and expects. Turn the tables, ask him to sit in your shoes and you in his.......what would you accept and what would he?

 

Good Luck with your M.

[Lizzie60]

I think that it is possible.. could be 'awkward' sometimes but it is very possible.. from what I read here.. you are totally over this guy.. so I would not be concerned if I was your husband but I can understand that he finds it hard to trust you..knowing you see each other every day.

 

But... once I'm over someone.. I'm over him... even if I still work with him.. I would be totally indifferent.

 

It is easy for people to tell you to get another job.. but what if YOU like this job.. it's not that easy to find another job that you will be happy with.

 

I can understand that you want your husband to trust you.. but YOU need to think about your own happiness... sorry .. but your husband will just have to understand and trust you...

 

I know it's easier said than done.. what if the table was turned and he was working with an old flame.. it's not that easy.

 

Hey..you..husband.. if you read this... I would bet my life that your wife absolutely has NO intention to be with this other guy anymore.. trust her... forgive her.. and move on together.. she'll be around men all her life..

 

Good luck to both of you!

[Curmudgeon]

I think A person can stay in the same work place as x om/ow without getting involved again what do you guys think? It's been 8 months and my husband still worries about this.

 

My husband will be reading the feedback as well.

 

Without reading any of the other responses, I think you had to have been either dropped on your head as a baby or kicked in the head by a mule some time thereafter.

 

That's my polite way of telling you that you're about as far off base as you can get. You don't want to hear the impolite way.

 

Since your husband will be reading this, at least according to you (and your veracity has to be suspect) he needs to man-up and give you about 30 days to either leave your "common" employer for another job or just simply leave and find another job later. No ifs, ands or buts (or given the circumstances that's probably "butts'). I've never been a believer in ultimatums but this situation cries out for on.

 

Either way, if it was me who was being so forebearing (and I wouldn't be), that would be the extent of my tolerance level (and I don't have one for infidelity). Either you'd leave the job or you'd leave the marriage, which is what you should have done before you decided to have an affair.

 

That you even ask about this tells me just how little regard you have for your husband and the marriage. I hope there are no children involved. If there are I can just imaging what lessons they're learning from Mommy Dearest!

[astra77]

I started an new job in November of last year. I had an A - emotional and physical - with my married boss. I too am married. It lasted 6 months. Long story short I ended the affair and LEFT MY JOB AS THIS IS THE ONLY WAY.

 

XMM and I agreed VERY early on that the word STOP would be the absolute end of the A if one of us said it to the other. He NEVER once said it to me. I had tried - albeit unsuccessfully - 4 - count it FOUR times to end the A and continue working with xmm in the same job. I too loved my job and wanted to stay there until retirement. Needless to say that within 10 F**CKEN minutes of telling xmm that I wanted to "STOP" he was kissing cuddling and caressing me, and FOUR times we - or should I say I - resumed the affair.

 

I left the job 8 weeks ago. Apart from the fact that I realised that the A was not only wrong and had no future, his temptation and mine was too great for me to stay under his employment. I felt like absolute **** and I knew the only REAL way to end it was to put a massive distance between us which I have done.

 

I applaud you for stopping the A and I appluad you for having the strength needed to not be lead to temptation again - I know I certainly failed BIG time in that area. You sound as though you may really want your marriage to work and that you trust yourself not to resume the A and thats fantastic - you go girl -

 

HOWEVER, IMO I think the REAL issue is that your husband may trust YOU,

 

BUT HE DOESNT TRUST THE XMM AS FAR AS HE CAN THROW HIM.

THIS MUST BE SLICING YOUR H TO PIECES.

 

DO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE YOU ARE REALLY STILL WORKING THERE SO THAT YOU DONT HAVE TO FACE LETTING GO OF XMM ALL TOGETHER? You may not WANT to resume the A, but letting go altogether is painful - believe me I know. Prove your H right, he must want to TRUST you. Leave your job and Prove hubby right !! You owe him that much.

 

Just something to think about.

[herenow]

You said you intend to stay at this job for the rest of your life. Question is, do you plan to stay with your husband for the rest of your life? Looks like you have a choice to make.