Is it ok to still work with the ex om/ow..how would you feel?

[astra77]

 

DO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE YOU ARE REALLY STILL WORKING THERE SO THAT YOU DONT HAVE TO FACE LETTING GO OF XMM ALL TOGETHER? You may not WANT to resume the A, but letting go altogether is painful - believe me I know.

 

 

Oh I have just read what i wrote and guess what - this is exactly why I DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE MY JOB.

 

I wanted to end the A, YES, but I didnt want to lose my xmm altogether.

 

In the end all I did was prolong my agony and make myself soooooo much worse off. It nearly killed me to leave my job, but there was no other alternative. I had stopped sleeping with my xmm about 2 weeks before i left, but he still thought it was ok to kiss me etc. It did my head in so bad that I have f**cked myself up for life.

 

You have come so far and done so well, it will only continue to drive a wedge b/w you and your lovely H if you stay. You obviously have your H's support - lean on him, leave your job and focus on your future.

 

Good luck huny - hugs to you. Would like to know what you think

[Curmudgeon]

Hey..you..husband.. if you read this... I would bet my life that your wife absolutely has NO intention to be with this other guy anymore.. trust her...

 

Go ahead and trust her. Are you in the market for a bridge?

 

Excuse me, but didn't you trust her when you dated, wooed and married her?

 

"Nuff said?

[Mino]

I appreciate all the feedback please trust me when I say the affair is over I am not trying to keep tabs on him.

 

My question was is it possible for 2 people who have had a affair in the past continue to work together and just keep it at a work level,I think it is my husband does not has anyone been in a situation where it worked out fine?

My op is no, its like doing nc when working together, impossible... its only a matter of time.

[Tripper]

Lets say my husband was fine with xom and I working together he trusted me and forgave me and knew in his heart I regreted the affair and I would not do it again so he was fine and was not feeling insecure or threaten by om it would work then right?

 

Just because I had a affair with him once does not mean it will happen again I see what I could have lost and I would not repeat that choice again.

 

I think my husband should trust me because I can be around xom every day and not get tempted.

 

When I say this to him he says well you can't predict the future.

 

What you really want to hear is that the respondents to your post agree with you. Unfortunately they do not, harsh as it seems.

 

This is not about your H's trust in you. This is about what he feels... uncertainty, possibly insecurity, a blow to his self esteem etc.

 

You may think your H should trust you and maybe one day he will BUT what are you doing to regain his trust??

 

You are the betrayer and as a result you have to bend over backwards to regain what you broke! If it means changing your job, IMHO your H has every right to ask that and you should comply. If you don't like it, too bad. You should have though of that BEFORE you hopped in the sack with your coworker.

[GPFan]

I think A person can stay in the same work place as x om/ow without getting involved again what do you guys think? It's been 8 months and my husband still worries about this.

Yes of course it is possible, however it may lead to awkwardness and the situation is fraught with dangers.

 

 

 

I This is a job I planned on staying at for the rest of my life as well as om,so my husband says that means om has to be inhis life until I retire which is not anytime soon.

It is unfortunate you didn't possess this clarity of thought before you started the affair.

 

 

 

 

I would love it if you guys can help me out with a debate my husband and I have been having.

A debate??? This is a fight for the life of your marriage! This one comment alone betrays your cavalier attitude.

 

 

 

I think the biggest problem here is that you don't seem to care very much. 'I might not earn as much somewhere else' is not good enough as an excuse. You need to start lookin hard for something else if you really care about your M.

 

If you dont you'll probably end up losing your H...

 

...also he is at home studying but not earning, and lookin after the kids (f/t job in itself), and there you are, at work with the guy you had an A with EVERY day...maybe he feels very emasculated and I am sure is pretty miserable for him.

 

 

He did trust that and where did it get him?

 

 

That you even ask about this tells me just how little regard you have for your husband and the marriage.

 

 

I stay at my job for financial reason,my husband know's,my husband does not work he is in school at night and takes care of our kids during the daytime,also a few classes online.

 

If I go else where I know I may not make as much money which is why I stay where I am at.

 

Everyone, including me, sees clearly that you care little for your Husband and marriage. You believe you have him over a barrel now because you are the sole wage-earner yet these situations can change and quickly.

 

 

The golden rule applies here. If you were in his shoes, would you tolerate being treated in this manner?

[mopar crazy]

I haven't read all your replies but the ones I have I agree w/.

 

If he is uncomfortable w/ you working w/ the MOM you had an A can you blame him? It doesn't matter if you never go back to the A. You betrayed his trust and yet you continue to work w/ the xMOM, can you blame him for feeling the way he does.

 

I think you and the xMOM can work together however I don't think it's a good idea b/c of your BH.

 

 

My H also had an A w/ a co-worker. He was her supervisor and they worked directly w/ each other. They had to talk. After he broke it off w/ her I hated that they still worked together. Especially when she continued to contact him outside of work, and continued to flirt w/ him even after he broke it off w/ her. Their A was short-lived April through the end of June. We were separated 100 miles apart. He stayed in the marital home, I moved out. Anyhow, they continued to work w/ each other and I HATED it. Even though he continually try to reassure me there was nothing and he had been very firm w/ her about her flirting. But I found it hard to believe him b/c he had an A and lied to me about it, I did not trust him. She tried finding another job but she ended up getting him fired in Oct, 4 months after he broke it off. I was relieved that he lost his job b/c he didn't have to work w/ her anymore but I was also concerned about money. To make a long story short, 2 years after he was fired from his job he found a better one and makes just a little less (not even a $1) than what he did at his last one. He did work at another place 2 years prior but the job a lot paid less. You have the opportunity to look elsewhere for a job as you still have one, my H didn't and we made it just fine.

[Owl]

Is it POSSIBLE that you and OM could work together and never resume the affair? Yes, its POSSIBLE.

 

Its also not likely, depending on several factors.

 

Moreover, here's something to ponder for you.

 

Trust is NEVER given...its earned.

 

Did you hand your H your house keys and purse the very first moment you met him? I highly doubt it...

 

He EARNED that trust from you over time, by demonstrating his trustworthiness to you.

 

You did the same for him....you showed him you were trustworthy, so he trusted you.

 

Then you had the affair...and your trustworthiness was reset to ZERO.

 

At this point, you're again EARNING that trust back. Its done the same way, over time, by showing that you're trustworthy NOW. And its MUCH harder to rebuild trust than it was to gain it the first time.

 

By CHOOSING to continue to work with OM, over your H's needs to rebuild that trust, you prevent that trust from being rebuilt. You're choosing YOUR wants/needs over his...which is what led to the affair to begin with.

 

See where this is going?

 

If you want to rebuild your marriage...you need to start rebuilding that trust...you need to start focusing on what's going to build up your marriage the most. Losing some income hurts...but the lack of rebuilding the trust will destroy your marriage far more than the lack of money will.

 

It doesn't matter whether or not you feel like you'll ever resume the affair...it matters that you're not taking your H's need into a higher priority than the income you get from the job. You're not accepting the task of rebuilding the trust...you're expecting it to be GIVEN to you...not EARNED BACK.

 

Give it some thought.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Lets point out a few things here...

 

1) You go to a nice job and decide to have an affair with a coworker.

2) You carry own with that coworker for an entire year.

3) Feelings between you and the coworker and your husband are still raw.

4) You think you are able to handle going back to a place that brings back both pleasant and painful memories to you and painful remembrance to your husband.

5) The person you chose to use as a tool of destruction to your vows and your husband is still hanging around.

6) And though you say the affair is over. You want to stay working at the place where you could not contain yourself from polluting before?

 

And you wonder if your husband is wrong for demanding you to leave such a place?

 

Here are my thoughts...

1) If you love your husband and want your marriage to work, you'd fine another place to work.

2) You have not earned the right to stay there in my books. And if I were your husband I would tell your boss about you and this coworker to either a fire one or both of you.

3) If I were your boss and found out this was going on, I would fire the both of you.

4) You lost the right to work there the moment you started your affair. It is the source which enable you to find someone to corrupt your marriage with.

5) There can be other jobs and apparently your husband doesn't care about the loss in income.

6) I do believe one of the things about marriage is that we put our spouse before ourselves? Your not doing that, your putting your job first and that makes me wonder as a reader (as it would if you were my wife) how serious you are about working things out and being over this coworker? Most spouses will do almost anything (within reason) to show their spouse they are the only one/thing they need.

 

To make myself clear... You have no choice but to give up your job for both your husband and your marriage. And to confirm my opinion, you could always ask a marriage counselor. But in all things, you have to make the choice of what is good for you, your husband, and yall's marriage.

 

 

DNR

[Dark-N-Romantic]

And to be honest... You should feel gracious your husband is giving you a year to make your decision. With many men, including myself, you would not have that much of a grace period.

 

 

DNR

[Owl]

I'd missed that, DNR.

 

A year is FAR, FAR too long of a deadline on all of this.

 

A year doesn't put any pressure to change in place. Its a nebulous, meaningless boundary...its far enough in the future not to require change or action TODAY.

 

It postpones dealing with the issue.

 

Since your H will read these responses, I'd like to encourage him to rethink his position on this. He's set a useless boundary...he needs to tighten it up...he needs to set a more realistic one that actually gives your marriage a chance to heal.

 

It will NEVER heal while you are still in contact...IN ANY FASHION...with OM.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I'd missed that, DNR.

 

A year is FAR, FAR too long of a deadline on all of this.

 

A year doesn't put any pressure to change in place. Its a nebulous, meaningless boundary...its far enough in the future not to require change or action TODAY.

 

That is why I told the OP that her husband is gracious... You, other me, and I would not be so graceful. We would probably put her feet to the fire right away to prove her dedication by giving up her job. And if you read my post above that I said I would of told her boss in the hopes he would fire on or the both of them.

 

It postpones dealing with the issue.

 

I agree. It would be like a parent letter their kid hangout with the same people who are doing drugs or being rowdy and expecting their recovering kid not to fall back into the same habits by being in the same environment. The same is the case with this work place. She has totally made it toxic too work at. And for the sake of herself, her husband, and yes her coworker she should leave. Especially if her husband and her marriage are the most important things.

 

Since your H will read these responses, I'd like to encourage him to rethink his position on this. He's set a useless boundary...he needs to tighten it up...he needs to set a more realistic one that actually gives your marriage a chance to heal.

Very little argument here.

 

It will NEVER heal while you are still in contact...IN ANY FASHION...with OM.

 

While this point I don't completely agree with. I mean, playing Devil's advocate here, she might be PERFECTLY capable of doing the right thing from here on out. But, like we both agree, she has to stop being selfish and start thinking about what she really wants with her husband and her marriage.

[bish]

I would love it if you guys can help me out with a debate my husband and I have been having.

 

First of all I was in a year long affair with my co worker it was emotional as well as physical I did consider leaving my husband for my co worker to make a long story short things changed and I decided to stay with my husband(by the way my co worker is also married)

 

It has been 8 months since the affair ended we still work at the same place it is a very small company so we see each other daily we have not talked,but I'm sure we will have too because of work related issue's.

 

My husband has been putting pressure on me to find another job,he says two people who were involved in a affair cannot work together and expect the marriage to survive.

 

He is always wondering if I am talking to ex om.

 

This is a job I planned on staying at for the rest of my life as well as om,so my husband says that means om has to be inhis life until I retire which is not anytime soon.

 

My husband thinks I will start another affair with om,he is giving me a year to quit.

 

I think A person can stay in the same work place as x om/ow without getting involved again what do you guys think? It's been 8 months and my husband still worries about this.

 

My husband will be reading the feedback as well.

 

It is ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE for you to have ANY contact with the OM. NONE whatsoever.

 

That includes work. You should find another job. No excuses. Your husband should not have to put up with you being in the company of the OM.

 

how would you like it if he screwed another woman and saw her on a daily basis?

 

And it has absolutely NOTHING to do with whether you will start up an affair with the OM again(although if you did it once and work was the common denominator, you can again).

It has everything to do with you disrespected your husband by opening your legs to another man...a man you say you wanted to leave your husband for? Why should your husband have to put up with you seeing this guy until you retire?

 

You say you planned on being at this place for the rest of your life. Sorry, you @#$@# that up.

 

My opinion is if you don't quit and find another job, you don't respect your husband at all....as if screwing another man hadn't dissed him enough.

[bish]

I stay at my job for financial reason,my husband know's,my husband does not work he is in school at night and takes care of our kids during the daytime,also a few classes online.

 

If I go else where I know I may not make as much money which is why I stay where I am at.

 

He is a stay at home dad? Well then, maybe he can file for divorce, get custody, child support, AND alimony since he stays at home with the kids.

[bish]

I don't want to have a affair with om anymore that has been over we do not want each other anymore.

 

thats irrelevant, your husband would agree and justifiably so.

[bish]

I think my husband should trust me because I can be around xom every day and not get tempted.

 

 

You think your husband SHOULD TRUST you??? Trust is earned.

 

He DID trust you and you proved that you can't be trusted. You are not in a position to demand it.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

You think your husband SHOULD TRUST you??? Trust is earned.

 

He DID trust you and you proved that you can't be trusted. You are not in a position to demand it.

 

One thing I totally disagree with is that trust is give and not earned.

 

Trust is always given first, now how much of trust is given/earned and/or maintained is a totally different story. Because if I don't trust you, ain't no way I am going to relate or deal with you. But, now if I have a little trust in you. I am going to test you and see if you are trustworthy. And as you prove your trustworthiness the more and more I will let you into my circle.

 

Example. I find a woman I like and I want to date her. I go up and talk to her, why? Because I trust she won't bite my head off or reject me. If she doesn't and she seems open (meaning trust is given on her part), we strike it off, each say things and give off an aura that maybe this person is worth something, we decide to date further to learn more and build more trust.

 

This is why I say trust is always given, but the degree at which it is earned or maintained is different.

 

 

DNR

[smartgirl]

Lets say my husband was fine with xom and I working together he trusted me and forgave me and knew in his heart I regreted the affair and I would not do it again so he was fine and was not feeling insecure or threaten by om it would work then right?

 

Just because I had a affair with him once does not mean it will happen again I see what I could have lost and I would not repeat that choice again.

 

I think my husband should trust me because I can be around xom every day and not get tempted.

 

When I say this to him he says well you can't predict the future.

 

You are not getting it. Tomcat and others have spelled it out for you.

 

It doesn't matter what YOU think or what your OM thinks. It doesn't matter if you have had your fill and don't plan on going back to the well with this guy. What matters is how it makes your H feel to know you are still there with OM everyday. That leaves him on the outside looking in.

 

You wanted to stay in this job forever? Then you shouldn't have fouled that nest. You screwed that up for yourself -- not your H.

 

You did what you felt like doing when you had the affair. Now you want to continue to do what you feel like doing. In both cases you have rationalized your actions and in both cases you have failed to take into account anyone but yourself.

 

Show a little compassion and dignity and look for another job.

[torranceshipman]

You are just so selfish.You still want this all to be about YOU and what you want, and it isn't, its about doing what is respectful to your H. Staying at work is TOTALLY disrespectful to him, given that you've been banging some other guy who works there for months.

[Owl]

LOL...I think she got the message, ya'll.

 

I know this sounds harsh, Smooth, but its also realistic. Think about it from outside of your own perspective for a moment, and it might make things that much clearer for you.

 

You're not being asked to do something unreasonable, in light of what's happened.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I still think 2 people who had been involved in a affair can work together without starting it up again because I am living proof I do not have any interest in om anymore I want to stay in my marriage my husband should trust me.

 

LOL... Your demanding that he trust you?

 

I appreciate all the feedback please trust me when I say the affair is over I am not trying to keep tabs on him.

 

While I believe this is true now... you may change your mind later

 

Lets say my husband was fine with xom and I working together he trusted me and forgave me and knew in his heart I regreted the affair and I would not do it again so he was fine and was not feeling insecure or threaten by om it would work then right?

Just because I had a affair with him once does not mean it will happen again I see what I could have lost and I would not repeat that choice again.

I think my husband should trust me because I can be around xom every day and not get tempted.

When I say this to him he says well you can't predict the future.

 

If your husband truely is reading this... then I strongly advise him to start his own thread!

 

Trust is not the only thing you broke. You broke his respect... and proved yourself a liar at the same time. This is not the way to fix that.

 

If I could give just 1 piece of advice to your husband... I would say, FILE FOR DIVORCE! This woman does not love or respect you... and if you think this is the best you can hope for from a wife... you are a sorry sad sack! So grow a pair and find someone else... I suppose if you have to, go ahead and use her until your out of school. Though I don't like the idea of it...

 

LOL...I think she got the message, ya'll.

I know this sounds harsh, Smooth, but its also realistic. Think about it from outside of your own perspective for a moment, and it might make things that much clearer for you.

You're not being asked to do something unreasonable, in light of what's happened.

 

No I don't think she will ever "get the message".

[bish]

One thing I totally disagree with is that trust is give and not earned.

 

Trust is always given first,

 

You are correct.

 

But her H did apparantly give it, she broke it. NOW she has to EARN it back.

[bish]

If your husband truely is reading this... then I strongly advise him to start his own thread!

 

Yes hubby. If you are reading this, please start your own thread. I'd like to hear your feelings on the subject.

[silktricks]

I am a former BS (betrayed spouse). My husband and I were successful at recovering our marriage. If, however, he had displayed the attitude you are showing, we would now be divorced.

[Darth Vader]

I would love it if you guys can help me out with a debate my husband and I have been having.

 

First of all I was in a year long affair with my co worker it was emotional as well as physical I did consider leaving my husband for my co worker to make a long story short things changed and I decided to stay with my husband(by the way my co worker is also married)

 

It has been 8 months since the affair ended we still work at the same place it is a very small company so we see each other daily we have not talked,but I'm sure we will have too because of work related issue's.

 

My husband has been putting pressure on me to find another job,he says two people who were involved in a affair cannot work together and expect the marriage to survive.

 

He is always wondering if I am talking to ex om.

 

This is a job I planned on staying at for the rest of my life as well as om,so my husband says that means om has to be inhis life until I retire which is not anytime soon.

 

My husband thinks I will start another affair with om,he is giving me a year to quit.

 

I think A person can stay in the same work place as x om/ow without getting involved again what do you guys think? It's been 8 months and my husband still worries about this.

 

My husband will be reading the feedback as well.

 

 

If it were me, I'd drop your butt a long time ago! He deserves so much better than you. Your husband takes you back after you rode another man, and this is the thanks he gets? By your continuing to humilate and disrespect your husband and his feelings? How would you react if he did all of this to you? He has every right to worry, you screwed another man at the expense of your husband! Lady, let your husband find someone better!

[Darth Vader]

Lets say my husband was fine with xom and I working together he trusted me and forgave me and knew in his heart I regreted the affair and I would not do it again so he was fine and was not feeling insecure or threaten by om it would work then right?

 

Just because I had a affair with him once does not mean it will happen again I see what I could have lost and I would not repeat that choice again.

 

I think my husband should trust me because I can be around xom every day and not get tempted.

 

When I say this to him he says well you can't predict the future.

 

 

Lady, you're clearly not getting the point. Your husband has thoughts of you and OM screwing, and you having mind blowing orgasms.

 

Because of this, NO, it would NEVER work. Your husband will never be fine with OM, he will always be and feel threatened by OM. OM is your husbands enemy forever! To make it worse, you sided with your husbands enemy!