Is it ok to still work with the ex om/ow..how would you feel?

[lala13]

no freakin' way would i allow for my SO to work with the OW/OM after an A. no way.

 

your H is already hurt and confused enough. he does NOT need to be subjected to more needless worry.

 

find another job and take care of your M. it's only fair to your H and yourself in the long run.

 

good luck.

[Untouchable_Fire]

He is angry at me for bringing this up on this forum because he says it has nothing to do with what our arguments are about today,he says our problem is where I am working and who I am working around and until I leave my job he will never take me serious.

 

What your saying is that your such a rotten person that you can't even imagine someone who isnt?

 

Just because you did this... doesn't mean everyone would.

 

So, NO your husband didn't "kinda" betray you.

 

Pathetic.

[Untouchable_Fire]

First of all, 'smooth' is solely supporting the family and doesn't have the luxury of leaving on a whim, or maybe not even methodically.

 

So... when your the sole breadwinner... It's Ok to cheat?

 

Nope... sell some gucci handbags and get a new job.

 

Forgiveness does not = No consequences.

 

What she did is in the past and it cannot be undone. I'm pretty certain that if she could've seen far enough down the road, she wouldn't have had the affair to start with, because she does value her job. But, like many of us, we make dumb mistakes, and only then our vision becomes crystal clear.

 

Again... No. Affairs are not mistakes. That's Oops I dropped and egg, vs. Oops I threw an egg at the wall.

 

When you fail to value your spouse... that's not a mistake.

 

Also, everyone is harsh, because Smooth is a selfish person, with no remorse, or humanity.

[D-Lish]

Lets say my husband was fine with xom and I working together he trusted me and forgave me and knew in his heart I regreted the affair and I would not do it again so he was fine and was not feeling insecure or threaten by om it would work then right?

 

The problem is that he isn't fine with it- and it's obviously eating him up inside.

 

Sure, you can keep working side by side for the rest of your lives without ever resuming the affair.... But if it hurts him knowing you go to work and see this guy everyday- I am not sure why you would want to.

 

I understand that he has forgiven you for the affair- but the fact that you still work with the guy is eating him up inside. That alone should be something you might want to think about. Taking a cut in pay may be a pain in the butt, but if that's price you have to pay to heal the marriage- I'd go out of my way to do it.

 

If I had an affair and my husband forgave me- I'd be so grateful and relieved that I would give into that request in a heartbeat. I don't see how you can heal your marriage if he feels so adamant about this.

[soda]

My $.02

 

OP is completely in the fog. She'll create any excuse possible to keep OM in her life. She's romanticized the affair as the best thing that's ever happened to her and she wants to keep the option open as a security blanket in case she can't be showered with happiness in her own life.

 

OP screwed up. The brutal truth is that screwing up has consequences. We can't go back in time but we can make the future better by taking the steps necessary to make sure that it doesn't happen again. H has no obligation to settle on OP's terms.

 

Stay in the job and your H will eventually leave you. I can't imagine that he'll wait a year. That's wishful thinking. Stay in your job and you might eventually be "downsized" when decision-makers learn about your BS behavior with OM. Office affairs are corrosive to the morale of a workplace. All it takes is a boss who doesn't tolerate that BS in the work environment to send you to the unemployment line when the company decides it needs to layoff someone. That person might not be your boss today, but you can't predict the future.

[bish]

The problem is that he isn't fine with it- and it's obviously eating him up inside.

 

Exactly, but everytime someone tells her this, she always comes back with, "but I know working with him won't be a problem, so it could work!"

 

She is completely ignoring the fact that her H shouldn't have to put up with the situation. She is only looking at it from her POV and doesn't care about what her husband does and doesn't like.

 

I hope he is reading all of this still and decides to divorce her. In his situation, he even has a case for alimony against her.

[Owl]

Well, she hasn't responded in a while. I hope her H is still reading here tho. I'd also like to suggest he post on the infidelity forum so that he can work through things with people who have been there in his shoes.

[jon01]

I would love it if you guys can help me out with a debate my husband and I have been having.

 

First of all I was in a year long affair with my co worker it was emotional as well as physical I did consider leaving my husband for my co worker to make a long story short things changed and I decided to stay with my husband(by the way my co worker is also married)

 

It has been 8 months since the affair ended we still work at the same place it is a very small company so we see each other daily we have not talked,but I'm sure we will have too because of work related issue's.

 

My husband has been putting pressure on me to find another job,he says two people who were involved in a affair cannot work together and expect the marriage to survive.

 

He is always wondering if I am talking to ex om.

 

This is a job I planned on staying at for the rest of my life as well as om,so my husband says that means om has to be inhis life until I retire which is not anytime soon.

 

My husband thinks I will start another affair with om,he is giving me a year to quit.

 

I think A person can stay in the same work place as x om/ow without getting involved again what do you guys think? It's been 8 months and my husband still worries about this.

 

My husband will be reading the feedback as well.

 

All I can say here is you should be proud and extremely thankful to have such a good husband who did not leave you considering the awful situation you put him into. Just imagine how hurt and miserable he must be feeling through all this, and all he asks you is to get a job elsewhere to remove OM from the equation.

[jon01]

My H also had an A w/ a co-worker. He was her supervisor and they worked directly w/ each other.

 

Women seem to be really and I mean REALLY weak when it comes to men in authority over them. Of course, men like this are also preying on their staff which is absolutely unacceptable in any working environment.

 

You women though, for all your smart words and i-know-all attitudes, you are just way too weak and unintelligent in the situations where you need intelligence and strength the most. I guess that's why God said the woman should follow the man. Go ahead make my day and bash me, but this is the truth.

[Owl]

You women though, for all your smart words and i-know-all attitudes, you are just way too weak and unintelligent in the situations where you need intelligence and strength the most. I guess that's why God said the woman should follow the man. Go ahead make my day and bash me, but this is the truth.

 

This is just as judgemental and stereotypical (and WRONG) as Lizzie's assertation that all men want to cheat.

 

What do you really hope to gain by throwing down a statement like this?

[jon01]

And if I were your husband I would tell your boss about you and this coworker to either a fire one or both of you.

 

If it's a larger company, the best thing would be to go directly to HR. With the way things are these days, it's likely the boss could be the OM too.

[jon01]

What do you really hope to gain by throwing down a statement like this?

 

World power and having Darth Vader kneel to me.

[Angel1111]

Angel, its ridiculous to negotiate this. Her H did know about her criminal record...but of course never figured she'd sleep with a guy at work and so create this entire morass that they're in right now.

 

I don't know your story, so I don't know if you're BS/OW or what...but I can tell you as a fBH that his expectation of complete and total NC between her and her ex-lover are TOTALLY REASONABLE.

Setting a short time line on moving on, and working out a gameplan to support themselves short term without her income...completely reasonable.

 

The bottom line is...her marriage CANNOT AND WILL NOT recover while she works with OM...PERIOD. Her H knows this...and he's pushing for steps to save the marriage.

 

Her job may not be critical to the survival of their marriage. But...NC WITH OM IS THAT CRITICAL.

 

 

This isn't rocket science. As a matter of fact, its so simple, its almost instinctual.

 

Smooth is getting the rough time she's getting because she's refusing to accept the responsibility and accountability for her actions that she NEEDS to accept...or her marriage cannot recover. The hope is that she stops viewing things from her own angle only, and opens her eyes and starts seeing this like she needs to...through her HUSBAND'S eyes. If she wants her marriage to recover...she HAS to learn to do this.

 

I do get this and I wouldn't tolerate any contact with the other person either. But, in this particular situation, her husband KNEW it wouldn't be easy for her to get another job, and he KNEW the OM worked there. Since he's not working, this makes it even more critical that she stay there until she finds something else. The truth is, she may never find anything else. Where do they go from there? It's extremely counterproductive for him to badger her about this because she may not be able to change it. If he can't deal with that, then he needs to leave her. If he intends to stay and deal with the reality of the situation, it would be much more productive that they work as a team, instead of taking their own separate corners. They will not survive like this.

[Angel1111]

Well apparantly you haven't been reading what we are saying. Nobody is saying she needs to leave on a whim.

 

She gets out there and pounds the pavement to find another job. If she cannot find one, then it is not reasonable to expect her to quit her current job.

 

She should keep her current job until she finds another one. Problem is, she doesn't want to put in the effort of finding another job. Her husband isn't worth that effort. She thinks he should just put up with her being in contact with this other man on a daily basis.

 

 

 

 

 

She didn't make a mistake. She made a conscious decision to gratify herself with another man. Call it a poor decision, but it was no mistake.

 

And yes, whats done it done and is in the past. But she isn't willing to deal with the present and future in the way she needs to do it. She is making excuses, pure and simple.

 

 

 

the only way she wants to move on is keep her job where this OM is and keep on disrepecting her husband. She does not want to do the right thing and doesn't want to make the effort.

 

Again, nobody is telling her to quit her job flat out. We know that people need their jobs. But I will not leave a current job until I find another one. That is what she needs to do, but she won't do it.

 

Only way she wants to move on is to have the H get over it and put up with her seeing this other man at work.

 

 

 

 

That is true. Don't hide anything that can come back that will make her lose any future job.

 

 

 

 

What does him taking a chance on her have to do with what she did to him AFTER he gave her that chance?

 

Here she is, not the best past, her H chose to look past what she did with regards to her criminal record and give her a chance. And what does she do?? screws him over in a big way.

 

NOW she has to do what is right. But she doesn't want to do that.

 

So in my open message to the H if he is still reading, he would do well to finish school and divorce her since she isn't willing to make the effort to at least TRY to look for another job.

 

 

 

So the H should just "get over it", bite his tongue, and be ok with her being in the presence of this OM at work every day?

 

And again, nobody is expecting her to "magically conjure up" a new job. She simply doesn't even want to try.

 

 

 

 

I feel the deadline was imposed, more than likely, because they had this discussion and my gut tells me she told him she doesn't want to find another job. THAT being the case, of course he then gave her a deadline.

 

 

 

 

No, what screwed things up magnificently is her cheating on her husband.

 

She gets put in prison, finds a man that forgives her past, marries her...she then cheats on him with a guy at work....and HE is the one that will screw things up??? Get real.

 

 

 

 

He can make the best of it by finishing school, then leaving her.

 

Then she can be happy that she got to keep her job.

 

 

Wow, I feel totally dissected - like those froggies in bio lab.

 

Well, I didn't get the impression that she wasn't trying to find another job. I think she was somewhat panicky about the fact that she's more afraid that her history is going to keep coming back to haunt her and she doesn't know what to do with that. Maybe I misread, I don't know. And, yes, I seem to recall someone saying that she should quit her job immediately so that's what I was responding to.

 

You don't know his past, either, so I wouldn't be so quick to judge about him forgiving her past. Maybe she forgave his past, too.

 

By 'mistake' I mean that she didn't think it through - therefore it was a mistake. No, her clothes didn't accidentally fall off, etc. I get that. But, in hindsight, I'm sure she realizes what a huge mistake it was.

 

If he's going to get his degree and leave her, then you're suggesting that he just use her for now and then discard her when it's convenient for him. Oh, let me guess - to pay her back for cheating. The truth is, you don't know their marriage and you don't know if he abuses her, uses her, sticks his nose in the books 24/7, or goes off drinking with the buddies while she works full time and takes care of the house and kids. Like I've said to others here, you don't have the whole picture. I'm not condoning her affair so please don't bore me with comments about that. What I am saying is that you don't know everything and I'd be very cautious about advising someone to use someone else. He may already be doing that. Maybe not. Only they know.

[Untouchable_Fire]

If he's going to get his degree and leave her, then you're suggesting that he just use her for now and then discard her when it's convenient for him. Oh, let me guess - to pay her back for cheating. The truth is, you don't know their marriage and you don't know if he abuses her, uses her, sticks his nose in the books 24/7, or goes off drinking with the buddies while she works full time and takes care of the house and kids.

 

No, we don't know the truth of her marriage. What we do know is how she thinks and acts, and really... that's enough.

 

If he gets his degree and dumps her... then good for him! But I doubt that is the case. More likely he is just a guy with rundown self esteem. Who is thinks his trashy ho of a wife is the best he can do, or that he actually loves her. Poor bastard. You should pity him!

[OWoman]

She is completely ignoring the fact that her H shouldn't have to put up with the situation. She is only looking at it from her POV and doesn't care about what her husband does and doesn't like.

 

Who pays the piper calls the tune. The H should shut up or pay his own way. If he doesn't like where she works, he should find a job himself instead of sponging off her while he enjoys the luxury of studying and then criticising her for it. He can't have it both ways. If he's not contributing, he can't call the shots, he must take what he gets and be grateful.

 

And if he doesn't like it, he's free to leave. She loses nothing, and gains her freedom.

[Order & Chaos]

Women seem to be really and I mean REALLY weak when it comes to men in authority over them. Of course, men like this are also preying on their staff which is absolutely unacceptable in any working environment.

 

You women though, for all your smart words and i-know-all attitudes, you are just way too weak and unintelligent in the situations where you need intelligence and strength the most. I guess that's why God said the woman should follow the man. Go ahead make my day and bash me, but this is the truth.

 

No it's your opinion. Please learn the difference between opinion and factual truth.

[Owl]

Who pays the piper calls the tune. The H should shut up or pay his own way. If he doesn't like where she works, he should find a job himself instead of sponging off her while he enjoys the luxury of studying and then criticising her for it. He can't have it both ways. If he's not contributing, he can't call the shots, he must take what he gets and be grateful.

 

And if he doesn't like it, he's free to leave. She loses nothing, and gains her freedom.

 

Would you provide this exact same advice if the situation were reversed and he were a cheating husband and she was going to school? I don't think so...

 

His requirement for continuing the marriage after HER CHOICE TO CHEAT is completely and totally REASONABLE. Because bluntly, their marriage stands NO CHANCE of recovering if she stays where she's at....NONE.

 

Its not HIS fault she choose to poop in the work sandbox and screw it up...its HERS. So the consequences of finding a new job...and the difficulty that creates due to HER CRIMINAL RECORD...are HERS.

 

Actually...its THEIRS. Because he'll also need to "suck it up" and deal with that loss of income...and apparently, he's willing to do so if he's asking for it.

 

Less income doesn't ensure that the marriage will fail...but continuing that job almost certainly will.

 

Remember too...the both of them probably have the "standard" view of marriage as a high priority...obviously he does at least.

[taylor]

Smooth,

 

If someone handed you a new job tomorrow, would you take it?

 

If you really are focused on finding a new job to save your marriage, is there any way to involve your current employer in assisting you? If this employer went out their way to give you a break, maybe they would be willing to help you again...by way of giving you an excellent reference or making a personal call to a prospective employer for you. Of course, you would have to make your intentions to leave the company known to them. Perhaps you can tell them it's for personal reasons that you absolutely need to leave..I don't know. Just throwing it out there. Maybe sounds a little far-fetched, but this company did extend themselves by hiring you with a criminal record..

 

I agree with the other posters that neither you nor your husband can heal or recover your marriage while you continue to work with the OM. The OM's wife may be OK with it but your husband isn't and neither should you be if you want to move on from your affair.

 

Even if you have to settle for a lesser job, wouldn't it be worth it to save your marriage? If you truly value your husband and your marriage, you would surely be of the mindset, "I'd rather eat Ramen noodles for a year than lose my marriage."

 

There are companies that do hire people with criminal records..temp agencies can match you with employers. The pay is not good..you will have to start at the bottom again. It's an option you and your husband would have to weigh.

 

Also, is there any possibility your husband could handle a part-time job to supplement the loss of income if you cannot find another job that pays as well as your current job?

 

No, I do not believe he should have to find a job because of your affair, BUT if he truly wants you out of that workplace and away from the OM, perhaps both of you working would be the most feasible solution at least for now. You can always continue to look for better employment and he can return to being a full-time student down the road...but for right now, it seems the most critical decision that needs to be made is for you to sever all ties with the OM and that means quitting your job.

 

Perhaps, if you and your husband get into MC, the therapist will have some better, more viable options for the two of you.

[OWoman]

Would you provide this exact same advice if the situation were reversed and he were a cheating husband and she was going to school? I don't think so...

 

It would depend on the particular circumstances of that specific case. If everything was the same, only the genders reversed, my advice would be exactly the same.

[bish]

Wow, I feel totally dissected - like those froggies in bio lab.

 

Well, I didn't get the impression that she wasn't trying to find another job. I think she was somewhat panicky about the fact that she's more afraid that her history is going to keep coming back to haunt her and she doesn't know what to do with that.

 

And we dispelled that line of thinking for her. We all told her she doesn't have to up and quit her job. she needs to look for another job while keeping her current job. She needs to be uprfront with a potential employer and give full disclosure. If they turn her down, then she presses on and keeps looking. She does this while KEEPING her current job.

 

As far as the fear of rejection, well thats just too bad. Its nothing compared to what she did to her husband.

 

 

Maybe I misread, I don't know. And, yes, I seem to recall someone saying that she should quit her job immediately so that's what I was responding to.

 

Not me, and there are a few others in here that realize that quitting a job without having another one lined up is just impractical. people need to eat.

 

 

You don't know his past, either, so I wouldn't be so quick to judge about him forgiving her past. Maybe she forgave his past, too.

 

 

He already forgave her for her past when he married her. What is in question is if he should forgive her for what she does in the present and what was done in the immediate past.

 

 

By 'mistake' I mean that she didn't think it through - therefore it was a mistake. No, her clothes didn't accidentally fall off, etc. I get that. But, in hindsight, I'm sure she realizes what a huge mistake it was.

 

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that screwing someone other than your spouse is the wrong thing to do. The need to gratify herself outweighed the need to do right by her husband.

 

 

If he's going to get his degree and leave her, then you're suggesting that he just use her for now and then discard her when it's convenient for him. Oh, let me guess - to pay her back for cheating.

 

who knows, he could only be less than a year away from making that happen.

 

But lets do it your way here. He can divorce her, get custody, get child support, AND get alimony since he is a stay at home dad. That way he can get rid of her immediately and you won't have any worries about him "using" a cheater.

 

 

The truth is, you don't know their marriage and you don't know if he abuses her, uses her, sticks his nose in the books 24/7, or goes off drinking with the buddies while she works full time and takes care of the house and kids.[/qutoe]

 

You can assume all you like. If he abuses her, then she needs to get rid of him.

 

Assuming that might be the case, what do people think when having an affair? If he was abusing her, well hells bells, she sure as hell would have poured gas on a burning brush fire with what she did.

 

 

Like I've said to others here, you don't have the whole picture. I'm not condoning her affair so please don't bore me with comments about that. What I am saying is that you don't know everything and I'd be very cautious about advising someone to use someone else. He may already be doing that. Maybe not. Only they know.

 

I don't need the whole picture. She cheated and is now unwilling to try to make amends. Again, you can assume all you like. You can assume he is some sort of monster if you want.

 

Bottom line, he forgave her for her past, and how does she repay him? by cheating. And how does she repay him for not kicking her directly to the curb...refusing to look for another job.

 

But lets assume what you say is true. Lets assume he abuses her. Then they just simply need to divorce. Because he, allegedly, is an abuser, she is a cheater who won't break contact with the OM....a match made in heaven right?

[bish]

No, we don't know the truth of her marriage. What we do know is how she thinks and acts, and really... that's enough.

 

Exactly, that is enough.

[bish]

Who pays the piper calls the tune. The H should shut up or pay his own way.

 

Ah, I see. So the fact that he is staying at home watching the kids so she can work means he has to put up with her infidelity?

 

Why does this not surprise me coming from you?

 

 

If he doesn't like where she works, he should find a job himself instead of sponging off her while he enjoys the luxury of studying and then criticising her for it. He can't have it both ways. If he's not contributing, he can't call the shots, he must take what he gets and be grateful.

 

What he can do is divorce her and get alimony.

 

 

And if he doesn't like it, he's free to leave. She loses nothing, and gains her freedom.

 

 

LOL, she could lose since he doesn't work to watch her kids. And I'd tread very carefully. he could send a letter to her boss detailing the affair...and she COULD lose her job. Then what?

 

I'm not suggesting he do that because he would become no better than her.

 

I agree...he should leave. She doesn't deserve to get free daycare.

 

And lets not forget that he forgave her for killing someone in the past. Damn that makes him an outright bastard doesn't it?

[jon01]

No it's your opinion. Please learn the difference between opinion and factual truth.

 

Wow the fact that I stated woman should follow the man really seems to offend some. That's not my opinion. It's actual fact, according to the bible and Christianity. Don't want to be a preacher, but before you rush off to tell me about fact and opinion, maybe try to do a bit of research.

 

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing." (Ephesians 5:22-24)

[OWoman]

Ah, I see. So the fact that he is staying at home watching the kids so she can work means he has to put up with her infidelity?

 

No. He chose to forgive the infidelity. His choice to forgive it means he has to face the consequence of that choice. Two different issues.

 

What he can do is divorce her and get alimony.

 

He was, and remains, free to do so. He chose not to, now must live with the consequences of his own choice.

 

 

 

LOL, she could lose since he doesn't work to watch her kids. And I'd tread very carefully. he could send a letter to her boss detailing the affair...and she COULD lose her job. Then what?

 

Then he'd HAVE to get up off his rear and pay his own way, and support his kids and pay alimony too, since Smooth has already indicated she'd have difficulty in securing another job. He'd lose, which is no doubt why he chooses to stick with the cushy option he's chosen.

 

I agree...he should leave. She doesn't deserve to get free daycare.

 

It's hardly free. She's paying his way. It would be a lot cheaper for her to pay professionals than to feed, house and pamper a freeloader - and she's probably paying his way in school, too.

 

And lets not forget that he forgave her for killing someone in the past. Damn that makes him an outright bastard doesn't it?

That, too, was his choice. And FYI there's a huge difference between manslaughter and murder, and "killing someone" by accident is hardly the heinous misdeed you're implying - but I guess you've never had too much to drink, never made a mistake and god forbid never had an accident. She's done her time. That's in the past. She's borne the consequences of her coices. Now it's time for her husband to bear his.