learning to trust

[Kristen]

I recently started a new relationship with a really great guy. It has only been 2 months but we both care for one another a lot. He has told me that he never really had a serious relationship before. He has dated but there wasn't really anyone who has made him want to commit. He is 23 and I'm 24. I was in a serious relationship for 6 years with a guy who crushed me by cheating on me. I was with him from age 16-22. For the past 2 years I've been sowing oats but now I think I'm actually ready to be with someone again. It frightens me to death to care for someone again. I don't want to screw anything up with this wonderful guy. He tells me when he goes out with his friends he isn't even interested in whats going on around him. I'm wondering if he is capable of being in a committed relationship or if this is just new for him and he could easily hurt me. I get really sick to my stomach when he is out with his friends, but I don't say anything about it to him. What does it mean when a guy has gone this long without someone? How can I learn to trust again?

[Totally Confused]

A lot of people don't have serious relationships until they're in their early to mid-twenty's. My brother had his first serious girl at 25 and they dated for 4 years. It doesn't mean your bf is not capable of committing to you, just because he hasn't had a serious girl before. Maybe you really are the first person that has made him want to commit. I know you find it hard to trust someone (which I totally understand) but at the same time, he isn't your ex, he's a completely different person. So you have no choice but to give him the benefit of the doubt until you are given reason to believe otherwise. Learn from your past experiences and use them toward your benefit, rather than inhibiting you from having faith in other relationships. Now that you've had a terrible past experience with your ex, look at your new boyfriend and say to yourself, "I have to believe he's faithful, because I have no reason to believe otherwise, but if he is being a cheater, I will not be played for a fool and will be able to detect the signs, because I have learned from my past experiences." Then you dump him and move on. That's why we have experiences - good and bad. They help prepare us for the future. It helps us to deal with certain things that we will have to overcome as they cross our paths. Trust yourself in knowing that you've grown and learned from what your ex put you through. Trust this new guy and if he does end up being a dog, then you don't want him anyway. Then again, he may end up being the love of your life. Relax and let it flow. You can't live the rest of your life wondering about things that COULD happen, cause yeah, he could cheat on you, but then again he could not. You can learn to trust him by relaxing and reasoning with yourself and by not having him be-headed, before you even know if the crime was actually committed. You keep that inside for too long (all your insecurities) one day you'll burst and yell at him and he won't even know where it came from or what he did. You'll be the one that could end up ruining things between the two of you, all over your insecurities. Your ex is gone, don't let him ruin it for you with someone else. Your ex isn't worth all that power over you.

 

Good Luck and i hope everything works out.

[Shirley]

I recently started a new relationship with a really great guy. It has only been 2 months but we both care for one another a lot. He has told me that he never really had a serious relationship before. He has dated but there wasn't really anyone who has made him want to commit. He is 23 and I'm 24. I was in a serious relationship for 6 years with a guy who crushed me by cheating on me. I was with him from age 16-22. For the past 2 years I've been sowing oats but now I think I'm actually ready to be with someone again. It frightens me to death to care for someone again. I don't want to screw anything up with this wonderful guy. He tells me when he goes out with his friends he isn't even interested in whats going on around him. I'm wondering if he is capable of being in a committed relationship or if this is just new for him and he could easily hurt me. I get really sick to my stomach when he is out with his friends, but I don't say anything about it to him. What does it mean when a guy has gone this long without someone? How can I learn to trust again?

 

Hi!

 

You need to go with your feelings without worrying what he thinks, or whether or not he is capable of commiting. It really doesn't work to say, "Okay, I'm ready to be with someone again." If you like this guy, then go out with him. And have fun. Love isn't something that you can decide to feel. It just happens. You need to ask yourself why it bothers you that he goes out with his friends. Are you jealous of that? You could also tell him that you're afraid of being hurt again. But don't let that fear stop you from having a good time dating, and getting to know people.