Bad Sister vs. Good Sister

[Desperado620]

Hi all. This is my first post, and I'm going to try and make it short, though it's probably going to be long.

 

First, a list of characters. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Honey, my husband of two years, though we've been together for six. Bess, my sister, two years younger than myself. Sweet, Bess's seven year old son. Jack, Bess's fiancee and boyfriend of one year. Then, of course, Mom and Dad.

 

Mom and Dad have never liked Honey. Suffice to say their reasons are unfounded, based on suspicion, and even though Honey and I have been together over six years, we've been invited to go to their house together maybe 30 times, and never end up staying long because my Dad mostly refuses to talk to Honey. Most weekends and holidays (like July 4th or Memorial Day) my family goes out to Dad's boat and spends the weekend on the lake. Honey and I can't afford to make the trip every weekend between mileage and gas, but we do go every once in a while. However, this past year I had to go the boat in order to have my Dad particpate in my birthday. He refuses to leave that stupid boat! They have great parties out there, but I can't usually make it. Bess always goes on and on about what a great time they have, and she gets to go because they pay for her gas, car, insurance, etc. Not once have my parents actually asked us to come out. It's an "open invitation" kind of thing. But no matter where or when we go, Dad won't talk much to Honey and it makes me feel really torn. Honey and I have been together for a long time, been common law married for a couple years, and finally last May Honey got down on one knee and asked me to make it official. Even though Mom & Dad don't like him, they know he loves me and gave him their blessing. We had a bad fight in June, and I ended up staying a night at Mom & Dad's. While I was there they spewed all kinds of vicious things they had never told me they thought of Honey before, and encouraged me to not even answer the phone when he called to try to talk to me. I thought that was unusual because I spoke to Honey's mom and her words were, "You two love each other, and I'm sure you'll work it out." Ever since that fight, I've felt more and more alienated from my parents. Anytime I go over there with Honey the atmosphere is uncomfortable. Last Thanksgiving, Dad refused to eat at the same table as Honey. They have NO reason to treat Honey this way.

 

Since Honey and I had our fight, we got started too late on planning our April wedding and were thinking about another date. While we were doing this, Bess and Jack told my parents they wanted to move into an apartment together. Since Sweet is the most important thing in Dad's life (after the boat), Dad said that Bess and Jack needed "more of a commitment" before he'd let Bess take Sweet anywhere. Dad also said he didn't want Sweet living in an apartment. According to Bess, Jack took a couple minutes to think, and then turned and proposed to Bess. They set their date in October. The next night our parents invited them out to dinner to talk about wedding plans. They never asked such a thing of me and Honey. They bought Jack and Bess a house. They claim it's a rent-to-own deal, and said that if Jack and Bess can't make the rent they'll get kicked out. I jokingly said I'd take over their rent-to-own, and Dad said he wouldn't trust Honey and I to make the payments. WHAT?!

 

Bess and Sweet still live with our parents. She's 24 now, has been in college since age 18 to get a 2 year degree. She's still not done. Jack claims to be a certified EMT, electrician, carpenter, motorcycle mechanic and have a PhD in literature. He's 31 and unemployed. Bess and Jack lied to our parents about what their monthly income is when they were going over the house buying process with them. Bess lies to our parents about a lot of things, and always has. She's stolen cash from their house and money from their bank account. She's lied about being at school so our mom would take care of Sweet while Bess went to do drugs with her friends. She treats our parents like dirt and they give her the stars.

 

Bess and Jack decided to get married in October. Honey and I decided on August. My parents told me the particular weekend I'd picked they were going to be out of town for a family reunion. They also said that with Bess's wedding going on, they were short on cash and thought I'd be stealing her thunder. Say what?!? My wedding, with everything included, would have been just shy of two grand. Bess's wedding is at almost eight grand and still rising. Honey became convinced that my parents were doing everything in their power to keep us from being married. After all that's gone on, I agree with him. We called both our families and told them we'd be having a simple ceremony at the courthouse in about a week. I was more than ready to "offically" be his wife, and I've wanted to be his bride for a long time. (Sorry, getting misty here.) As soon as my parents heard, they changed their tune. They wanted to know what the rush was, wouldn't I rather have a nice wedding in the spring, they may not be out of town after all, what happened to August, etc. I told them I was tired of waiting, and if they could only financially and emotionally handle a wedding for Bess, then I'd handle my own. And I did. It was the best day of my life, leaving the courthouse and asking Honey what my name was. That was two weeks ago today. Although my family was there, they hardly said a word. His family was overjoyed. His mom even did my hair.

 

A couple days ago, I went over to Mom & Dad's and was posed an incredible question. They asked me if, as a wedding present, I'd like them to pay off my car for me. My dad cosigned on the car with me, and I suspect that now that Honey and I are married, he wants me untangled from his credit. The payoff amount on my car? About seventy-five hundred dollars. Not a whole month after they told me they couldn't afford an eighteen hundred dollar wedding for me, they come up with that much money to get me off their credit. I am so hurt, and dissapointed, and... I don't even know the name for the feeling. Crushed. Destroyed. Something like that.

 

So I know this was way long, but I'd love thoughts and comments. Won't be back on 'till Monday. Everyone have a good holiday weekend.

 

~*~ Nicole ~*~

"Sure as God made black and white,

What's done in the dark will come to the light."

[Gwyneth]

Wow Nicole, I feel your pain. I'm one of three girls...the competition has Always been fierce.

 

Sounds like your parents are first-class aholes. Sorry, but that's what it sounds like. If I was in Your shoes, I wouldn't have invited them to my wedding. Forget that!

 

I thought for a while that maybe they don't trust your sister and her fiance as much as they trust you and honey, but then I shrugged that off. Something is Very strange here.

 

Has it always been like this with you, your sister, and parents, growing up? Or is it a new thing?

[vintagecat]

You made a mistake in taking your big fight to your parents even if that meant just spending the night. They took license to dump even more on the both of you as a result. Don't do that again. Ever.

 

Have you ever considered that your parents favor your younger sister because that's who they think they can control? Frankly given their behavior you really got the better end of the deal by far. I can't imagine being beholden to those people.

 

Take the car gift with proper appreciation because hey, it's not a cheap set of steak knives. Some should be so lucky. Be grateful that you have a mother in law who adores you, it's not all that common of an occurrence. Take pleasure in the fact that they are cutting you loose and that you won't have to dance to their tune any more. Find love and friendship elsewhere. And I know it's hard but quit comparing your situation and their treatment of you with that of your sister.

 

Deal with your parents on your terms not theirs. Make arrangements to come over when you want and leave when you are ready. It's time to see it as it is, cry over it if you need to and then figure out how to accept it without needing their approval or needing them to cater to you because they won't, end of story.

 

And finally make a promise to yourself to not visit this on the next generation should you have children. It's growing up time and it ain't easy. Many of us have traveled the road before you, so the path is well worn.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Desperado620]

Thanks for reading that monster post. Vintage, you're right, I should have kept more from my parents than I did. I guess I took for granted that their feelings would be the same as mine. I am grateful for the gift they're offering, and I do realize it's a wonderful gift. It just really hurts that they distance themselves from me because they can't control me and they don't like Honey. I suspect the real reason they don't like Honey is because they know he pushes me to stand up for myself and do what I want, not what they want. Gwyn, I felt the same as you did at first, but Honey convinced me that it wouldn't be right to not invite them. (BTW, congrats!)

 

I remember this line from a TV show, "The Bible says you should honor your parents. It doesn't say anything about liking them!"

 

I think that sounds about right.

 

~*~ Nicole ~*~

"Sure as God made black and white

What's done in the dark will be brought to the light."