A whole heap of pain

[verytired]

The last 3 weeks have been hellish and no mistake. We've gone from her saying "i think we should separate, but let's be nice about it" to viscious arguments over who should be the primary carer for our children, her talking to me like s**t and seeming to plan to do/go/spend whatever the hell she wants even though we still live together. She is acting like I did something wrong when I am the victim here. I just wanted to be a good dad and husband, but she think other grass is greener and so she's throwing me away.

 

This is really, really doing my head in, and there seems to be nothing I can do about it! If I shout at her I am in the wrong, if I try to restrict her overspending I am being controlling, if I talk to my children she always adds something on afterwards... and despite telling me she wants to be separate she has done NOTHING to facilitate her leaving (she can't afford to support herself and seems to think I will be selling our home paying for everything in her future) I told her I could not see how she could make this work if she didn't get a full time job and she looks at me with hate in her eyes and says "i don't want to work full-time" Well, who does?!?!?

 

This sucks. I feel like I've had everything I love stolen from me yet I'm supposed to write a thank you note and ask if she like to stamp on my heart a few more times.

 

How do you guys not lose your cool?, cos mine is stretched about as thin as it can go... and I have been exercising like mad to try to keep the stress at bay, and smiling and being a good dad to my kids and all that beautiful stuff, but I just feel... stupid and powerless.

 

I love her, I have loved her for 16 years, but truthfully I can see how there is a thin line between love and hate cos I'm standing here looking at the line and trying to stop myself from crossing it.

 

If we both sink into hateful behaviour neither of us gets anything out of it, our kids will get hurt, we'll lose thousands in lawyer fees and we will still have to deal with each other for many years to come as joint parents, so why does she have to be so cold and heartless.

 

She is going away for the weekend to tell her parents about her decision to leave me (and of course i know that must be messing with her head but that's not MY fault) and I so badly want to change locks and throw all her stuff out in the front garden while she's gone, but if I do I'm sure in her eyes and the eyes of the law it will just be more proof of why she is justified in breaking my heart.

 

I can't believe how much this hurts.

[Simon Leon]

I'm with you on this one.

 

I never ever ever had a single bad thought of my ex during the 10+ yrs we were married.

 

Now that she walked out (abandoned) me....I feel intense anger, hate, resentment towards her.

For me, this is all happening in my head. These are personal demons that I need to keep under control. I never let her see any of this. It's not necessarily her fault that this situation has happened and that she came to this decision.

That dosn't make it any easier for me to deal with.

 

They say that the first 3 mths after the initial seperation (notification of impending seperation) are classified as "crazy times". Don't expect your throughts to be rational. Some people almost act insane. This is normal behaviour for people (us) to go through during the upheaval of our lives.

 

You can try meditation/relaxation to try to clear the garbage out of your head. That sometimes works for me (sometimes).

 

If there is ever a time in your life when you need to pull out all your inner strength ...this is it.

 

Keep posting and venting here. We can all relate and identify with what you are going through.

[Tripper]

and despite telling me she wants to be separate she has done NOTHING to facilitate her leaving (she can't afford to support herself and seems to think I will be selling our home paying for everything in her future) I told her I could not see how she could make this work if she didn't get a full time job and she looks at me with hate in her eyes and says "i don't want to work full-time" Well, who does?!?!?

 

VT, I feel your pain..

 

What you need to remember is that SHE put this in motion and she is trying to manipulate and control the situation. Who cares what her motives for this are, what matters most is your sanity and emotional stability.

 

You need to get some legal advice to find out what your entitlements and your obligations etc are with respect to your children and the property and financial holdings.

 

Then I think, in a very calm but clear fashion you need to tell her where you draw the line in the sand; ie: you will not support her, you are keeping the house, the children stay with you etc...

 

It's hard to be pragmatic when the emotions are at a boil, so you may want to consider your timing on this. If you can't discuss rationally with her, then the lawyers may have to mediate.

 

Above all, the most import thing here is the health and welfare of your children. They must come above all else since they have no choice in their lives being turned upside down.

[Lookingforward]

vt, have you decided yet whether to ask your son if he wants to live with you? or made any tentative arrangements for who is moving out etc ?

 

I'm so sorry you're going though this, it seems you have really tried your best only to be met with a stone wall.

[verytired]

Thanks for replying, and so quickly too. I really needed that feeling of not being totally alone in this. I too have been trying to keep this pain all hidden from her and the kids, but think that internalising everything is eating at me inside. I am amazed at the power of all these emotions.

 

Lookingforward - I have thought about that thing with my son a lot and am more convinced than ever that he needs to live with me for HIS wellbeing. I decided that I would try to appeal to her for us to make the right decision on his behalf without forcing him to carry that burden. If she won't budge well then I will give him the choice, and I have little doubt which way he'll go.

 

However, in the last week or so she has refused to discuss anything with me at all, so we're no further forward. I suspect she has had some advice from somewhere and now realises that she can't just expect to get everything her own way and now she's stuck. She can't go backwards (and frankly it is too late to do so) but to move forwards will require some major sacrifices on her part, and that's not something she's ever been good at. Selfishness is her area of expertise.

 

She has also been absolutely hateful to me for the last week or so, whereas before that she was trying to seem reasonable, so this too makes me think she's waking up to the terrible mess she's made and the fact that there will be no upside to this situation for quite some time yet.

[Nomad1]

VT - You need to chill, I mean really chill. Control your emotions. This is a test of your strength. Let her go, but remain focused on the practical things for you and your children. You will be a stronger person after this. Remember, always stay calm, that is how you maintain control. This too shall pass.

 

Take care

 

Nomad1