Boyfriend talks to his ex in secret and asks her out to 'talk'

[carhill]

What do you do when a man's actions are what you want and been looking for but his words are saying otherwise? His actions say I love you so much but his words completely condradict that?

OK, be specific. Does he hug you and say you're an @sshole? (extreme version)

[honour and trust]

OK, be specific. Does he hug you and say you're an @sshole? (extreme version)

 

 

Okay, example...guy says for you to go out and date. He doesn't care who or what you do, following with the classic, I don't want to be in a relationship. His actions are these: extremely supportive (i.e. gives advice to problems, provides encouragement when down, provides financial help), takes you around his family and friends and he spends majority his time with you. Essentially acting like a boyfriend but won't say the words. When I speak of a commitment he says I already told you where I stand on that. His words say your not what I want but his actions say otherwise.

[carhill]

Here's a critical question. Is he proactive?

 

If he's routinely anticipating you and shows intimate knowledge of your preferences, then he merely needs his mouth washed out with soap because he's lying (about "I don't want to be in a relationship").

 

My perspective: If the actions are positive and the words neutral = opportunity

If the actions are positive and the words negative, he's either got a mental problem or there is some form of improperly expressed resentment.

 

Is he open with you about "why" he doesn't want to be in a relationship? Can you talk about that?

[honour and trust]

He's always been in a relationship (middle school, high school, college and a few years following). He's said that he just wants to be single and not have to worry about anyone else but himself. For the most part our relationship is solid and great but because of his not wanting to pursue anything more with me, I feel insecure with my position in his life.

[carhill]

Where is your balance point? What would he do if you said to him that his perspective of acting single in his words but you being in a relationship with him was unacceptable. What would he do?

 

When he says "not worry about anyone else but himself", do his words match his actions? Does he "worry" about you? That's what I was getting at about proactive behaviors. Such are part of a healthy relationship, IMO.

 

Are you saying that he's "always been in a relationship", meaning with someone else, prior to you? Does he have other female "friends" now?

 

Remember, you're in charge of your behavior and what you want. That's your stuff. Be honest with yourself and him. Trust me, it's better in the long run

[honour and trust]

Where is your balance point? What would he do if you said to him that his perspective of acting single in his words but you being in a relationship with him was unacceptable. What would he do?

 

When he says "not worry about anyone else but himself", do his words match his actions? Does he "worry" about you? That's what I was getting at about proactive behaviors. Such are part of a healthy relationship, IMO.

 

Are you saying that he's "always been in a relationship", meaning with someone else, prior to you? Does he have other female "friends" now?

 

Remember, you're in charge of your behavior and what you want. That's your stuff. Be honest with yourself and him. Trust me, it's better in the long run

 

I run into an issue because I love him and I know and feel that he loves me too. He proves it everyday, physically and emotionally. He has always been in a relationship, majority of them lasting about 2 years each but he would leave one and go into another. He says that he's not dating anyone outside of me but there are a lot of females that pursue him and other females that he maintains friendships with. His last relationship ended about 6 months ago and as far as I know of they are not considering on reconciliation. Thanks for the outlook, definitely helpful.

[carhill]

I'll leave you with a final offering to consider....

 

A man who sends mixed messages as you've described, yet is in multiple consecutive relationships, sees his success. He always has a "friend" to be with when things end. He's "honest", so he feels good about his behaviors. The women, not quite sure of his perspective, try to clarify it and him. The conundrum is attractive. They chase. He gives them a little of himself, notably a few of the parts which he perceives them to value the most, but remains wholly uninvested.

 

I've seen these men in action. Some women will chase them for years, claiming victory with each little bite they get out of his apple.

 

Let's hope I'm not talking about your guy here

[Gemini0525]

There's no reason for anyone to, 'meet up' or have any type of contact with their ex-partner(s), unless there are legal issues involved.

 

Something sound's fishy in this situation and you had every right to approach him. How would he like it if you, while under the influence, contacted your ex-boyfriend and insisted that you talk in person? Would it be a one way street or would he be okay with it?

 

P.S. - Closure, is the worst excuse one would use to see their Ex, especially after a year's time. I don't buy or play that crap when it comes to relationships. They're marked, 'x' for a reason.

 

I TOTALLY AGREE!!!!!! Closure? Puh-lease! He had closure when she "brutally" dumped his ass.

 

You don't contact your ex in secret unless there's something to hide. It's not like he's calling to chat up an old platonic friend.

 

Maybe his pride was hurt because he was the one dumped. It's still not a good excuse to secretly contact her.

 

Based on what you've said about his anger and jealousy issues, I have no doubt he would go crazy on you if you were caught doing the same.

 

I know this is cliché but IMO, it's true... usually, the one doing all of the accusing is the actual offender.

 

There are so many similarities between him and one of my ex's, it's eerie. He accused me every day of flirting, cheating, etc... HE was the one who got busted cheating. He had the nerve to get in MY face and call ME every name you can think of when I dumped him. He kicked a dent in my car and busted a headlight. I ended up having to get a restraining order. He went to a therapist for THREE sessions. THREE. Then quit. Said it was a load of crap and there was nothing wrong with him - EVERYONE else had the problem.

 

Are you truly in love with him?? Can you honestly tell yourself that there isn't a better person out there for you??

 

Good luck, hon!!

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

ii also snooped in my bfs myspace and i found sumthing too.. i saw conversations with him and this girl he used to talk to when me and him went on a break at one point and cheated on me with her when we got bak. well he sent her a message saying whats up..and so on and he called her beautiful and asked her to chill she agreed but suposedly they never met up because he faked on her..i confronted him and he jus said he just didnt want to meet up with her period. well recently today i found otu hes been talking to the same girl fpr a while now he stoped for a little bit because i found out by the girl that he was calling her and texting her...well that day i went to hus house and slapped him and he told me to get out of his house and i told him that if i left he was never going to hear from me again but he didnt let me leave anymore...and was putting me against the floor...

 

well anyways they stoped taslking for a while but i gues he started again.. she says hat he doesnt always txt her or call her just sometimes.....and he swears to me that he doesnt talk to any other girl but me.....which is a lie!!!.....he seems so innocent and i feel like i am never going to really know him that well...you c him and his twin brother one time did rock paper scicors to see who was going to mess with one of my friends, bring her home and take her fone because there was someone who wanted the fone she had. my bfs brother lost so he cheated on my friend with my other friend..(i knew about him ****ing her because i was at their house and my own bf told me he was there with her) i just found out about this bet/game yesterday by my friend who is my bfs twins gf lol.....he does not seem like the one who would do these type of things.... i swear iif you saw him you wouldnt believe he is like this not even me....he seems nice and quiet and shy... but i gues the quietes are the worst......

[Gemini0525]

ii also snooped in my bfs myspace and i found sumthing too.. i saw conversations with him and this girl he used to talk to when me and him went on a break at one point and cheated on me with her when we got bak. well he sent her a message saying whats up..and so on and he called her beautiful and asked her to chill she agreed but suposedly they never met up because he faked on her..i confronted him and he jus said he just didnt want to meet up with her period. well recently today i found otu hes been talking to the same girl fpr a while now he stoped for a little bit because i found out by the girl that he was calling her and texting her...well that day i went to hus house and slapped him and he told me to get out of his house and i told him that if i left he was never going to hear from me again but he didnt let me leave anymore...and was putting me against the floor...

 

well anyways they stoped taslking for a while but i gues he started again.. she says hat he doesnt always txt her or call her just sometimes.....and he swears to me that he doesnt talk to any other girl but me.....which is a lie!!!.....he seems so innocent and i feel like i am never going to really know him that well...you c him and his twin brother one time did rock paper scicors to see who was going to mess with one of my friends, bring her home and take her fone because there was someone who wanted the fone she had. my bfs brother lost so he cheated on my friend with my other friend..(i knew about him ****ing her because i was at their house and my own bf told me he was there with her) i just found out about this bet/game yesterday by my friend who is my bfs twins gf lol.....he does not seem like the one who would do these type of things.... i swear iif you saw him you wouldnt believe he is like this not even me....he seems nice and quiet and shy... but i gues the quietes are the worst......

 

Um... what? :confused: :confused: :confused: