Trialbyfire Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 I think therapy is a good idea but Tink should be part of it so that she can understand what they're going through and react according to their needs. Maybe some form of family counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tinktronik Posted July 4, 2008 Author Share Posted July 4, 2008 I haven't seen anyone suggest that you get the kids in some therapy. What has been happening is very damaging and could potentially effect them for the rest of their lives. Get them some help before it's life altering. Plus, they will have an outlet and neutral party to talk to about all of this and on top of it the reprecussions of what the stepmom did to them and how awful it was to them, will come from a "professional" when the time comes for you to go into court. You will have a "professional opinion" to back you up. Plus it will show that you do have the children's welfare as your priority because you have them in some sort of therapy. As a child that was abused from age 5 to 11, I wish my mom had insisted I get some therapy at a young age...I didn't go to therapy until I was almost age 30 and it helped so much for me to have a better sense of self worth and self esteem. (which I was lacking all through my youth and made very poor life choices because of it) Thank goodness you believe them! Too many parent's that don't.... Thank you. My middle son has been in therapy for years , well since the summer after my ex married his now W. He began to exhibit concerning symptoms. He sees a therapist every summer here with me , I get conflicting stories about wether he actually sees one at Dad's house . As the behaviors had persisted and became worse , I found a better therapist here for this summer , one who works exclusively with boys between the ages of 7 and 13. I have heard very good things about him and will ask if he is available to see my other children as well. I am so upset with myself that I never considered his behaviors were from an abusive step parent. Step-mom just seemed sweet , doe eyed , and unassuming. I really was surprised to hear the news, but then I don't really spend any time with her. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 tink, my heart goes out to you, and I'm relieved that you have been able to extricate them from this situation. Because no matter how good their father's intentions were, when there's abuse involved people will form a protective shell around abuser and abusee to keep said abuse from others. So it doesn't really surprise me that he's refuting anything said about his "perfect" wife – if he did, he'd have to face reality. give your kids a hug from us, and let them know their cyber buddies are pulling for them and their mama. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tinktronik Posted July 4, 2008 Author Share Posted July 4, 2008 tink, my heart goes out to you, and I'm relieved that you have been able to extricate them from this situation. Because no matter how good their father's intentions were, when there's abuse involved people will form a protective shell around abuser and abusee to keep said abuse from others. So it doesn't really surprise me that he's refuting anything said about his "perfect" wife – if he did, he'd have to face reality. give your kids a hug from us, and let them know their cyber buddies are pulling for them and their mama. Thanks Quank. This is spot on. I did not know how to describe it. But that side of the family seemed upset at first but after a day or so were all hanging out again together and minimizing what the kids said. I talked to all of the kids separately and only once about his and then let them know other people may come and talk to them but that no one including step mom will get in trouble . The grandma talked to my oldest on speaker phone and I was nearby for the convo. When she was done asking him questions she tried to tell me he answered questions with no's when I was right there and he said yes. So sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tinktronik Posted July 4, 2008 Author Share Posted July 4, 2008 I think therapy is a good idea but Tink should be part of it so that she can understand what they're going through and react according to their needs. Maybe some form of family counseling? That is a good idea too, I will ask about it . On an amazing note , my middle son (at 7) had been soiling his pants daily for years now, I have seen docs about this as well as talked to his therapist and NOTHING seemed to help. From the day I talked with him and told him it would stop , he has not had a single accident. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 That is a good idea too, I will ask about it . On an amazing note , my middle son (at 7) had been soiling his pants daily for years now, I have seen docs about this as well as talked to his therapist and NOTHING seemed to help. From the day I talked with him and told him it would stop , he has not had a single accident. Bittersweet tink. ((hugs)) Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 damn! It'd gotten to that point with your one child trying to keep this secret for his dad and step-mom? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 Can you not petition the court to temporarily change the physical custody to you till he gets back from IRAQ ? I'm sure that is the court knew that he doesn't have physical custody of his children that it would hurt him as well... I would seek a petition immediately.. get an attorney and file a motion to change the custody.. In reality if it is all true your child' lives are in danger.. great danger .. not only the physical side but the emotional side as well. They are being damaged to the point it will be carried in their life forever.. IMO you have NO choice but to go get your kids from her... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 A long time ago I had a spat (what else is new?) with AC on this subject. No matter how much you love your step-kids (and she doesn't even sound like she does) you're never going to feel about them as you would for your own child(ren). Never. Do you agree with me now that you have your own, AC? Is it the same as what you felt for your stepdaughter? Doubtful. I have no idea what you are talking about Touche.. I loved my Step Daughter the same as my own son.. That is the way I'm built.. To me there isn't a division in the two that leads to a different kind of love.. Love for a child is love for a child.. but that is just me.. like I said I am built that way.. Coming from a home where my Step Mom loved us as her own as well I have have been nurtured that way... Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 I have no idea what you are talking about Touche.. I loved my Step Daughter the same as my own son.. That is the way I'm built.. To me there isn't a division in the two that leads to a different kind of love.. Love for a child is love for a child.. but that is just me.. like I said I am built that way.. Coming from a home where my Step Mom loved us as her own as well I have have been nurtured that way... I guess you don't remember then. It was a long time ago. But I'm sorry. It IS different. As much as I love my stepson that I've known (and helped raise) since he was 7 it's not the same depth of love that I have for my own son. It's just not. If it is for you, then I dare say you ARE the exception. I know my stepdad loved me too...but no way would I ever believe that he loved me the same way as he did his own biological kids. No way. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 Love for a child is love for a child. I think AC's point is that as a parent (yes, even a step-parent), he understood what his responsibilities and duties and love toward his wife's child was. And he respected that little one enough to give the best of himself. Unlike the woman who is step-parenting Tink's kids! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tinktronik Posted July 5, 2008 Author Share Posted July 5, 2008 Can you not petition the court to temporarily change the physical custody to you till he gets back from IRAQ ? I'm sure that is the court knew that he doesn't have physical custody of his children that it would hurt him as well... I would seek a petition immediately.. get an attorney and file a motion to change the custody.. In reality if it is all true your child' lives are in danger.. great danger .. not only the physical side but the emotional side as well. They are being damaged to the point it will be carried in their life forever.. IMO you have NO choice but to go get your kids from her... My attorney is working on getting an emergency hearing to give me temp. custody. Based on that Dad has been away for so long jurisdiction is up in the air so my state is grabbing at it. My understanding is that after my state takes jurisdiction, they will decide on long term custody from that point on . I truly believe without a doubt that what the boys are saying is true. I cannot think of a single way without knowing their brother had told that my other children could have come up with the same details. Their Dad as well in his email describes his wife smacking the kids in the mouth repeatedly (pop pop pop pop) and claims that if the are thrown to the floor it is because of a struggle or that they jerked away. He claims this as just a description of what he could see his wife being capable of , and that this is not smacking the but rather poping them in the mouth , but not smacking them in the face, and that he firmly believes that kids need a firm pop in the mouth if their mouths issue words or sounds that are innapropriate. It made me sick to read. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 Love for a child is love for a child. I think AC's point is that as a parent (yes, even a step-parent), he understood what his responsibilities and duties and love toward his wife's child was. And he respected that little one enough to give the best of himself. Unlike the woman who is step-parenting Tink's kids! Well we can absolutely agree on that. No doubt about it. I was just trying to make another point but yeah, I do agree with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 So your ex knew about the abuse, tried to justify it and did nothing about it. That's incredibly disturbing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tinktronik Posted July 5, 2008 Author Share Posted July 5, 2008 So your ex knew about the abuse, tried to justify it and did nothing about it. That's incredibly disturbing. He claims to know nothing about it . But those were his words. It made me very sick. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 He did not claim he knew nothing about it. He told you why she does these things and then justified it! That wonan should be shown how it feels. If anyone did that to my son they would get a taste of it right back, I would have her cowering in the cupboard in a second! Child abuse makes me so mad! She does not love your boys Tink, it seems she does not even LIKE them! Keep them away at all costs! Link to post Share on other sites
freckles3131 Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 On an amazing note , my middle son (at 7) had been soiling his pants daily for years now, I have seen docs about this as well as talked to his therapist and NOTHING seemed to help. From the day I talked with him and told him it would stop , he has not had a single accident. For the record for those of you that aren't aware or informed....A child soiling him or herself is a classic sign of abuse. (usually sexual abuse) I'm a Social Worker and it is one of the 1st signs we see. Link to post Share on other sites
freckles3131 Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 For the record for those of you that aren't aware or informed....A child soiling him or herself is a classic sign of abuse. (usually sexual abuse) I'm a Social Worker and it is one of the 1st signs we see. Nothing personal against you, OP...Just speaking from a professional point of view, I was not suprised by the corralation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tinktronik Posted July 7, 2008 Author Share Posted July 7, 2008 What a crappy day . Neither of the states involved (CPS ) will investigate b/c my children are safe here with me ( my state) and the other state says my children are not there( true) .But they will check in on her child and investigate on his behalf. So I was told by them to maybe return my boys and just hope next time they tell a teacher. The attorneys cant figure out WHAT state holds jurisdiction. Maybe my state will Take jurisdiction ??? This is such crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tinktronik Posted July 7, 2008 Author Share Posted July 7, 2008 Nothing personal against you, OP...Just speaking from a professional point of view, I was not suprised by the corralation. Yes , I was aware of this and have done my best to get him help. As a social worker do you have ANY HELP to offer. Or advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 A child soiling him or herself is a classic sign of abuse. (usually sexual abuse) It is also the classic sign of a child that has been put between parents/step parents.. A child used as a pawn in a divorce will also display this same sign... I'm speaking from experience on this as well.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tinktronik Posted July 8, 2008 Author Share Posted July 8, 2008 It is also the classic sign of a child that has been put between parents/step parents.. A child used as a pawn in a divorce will also display this same sign... I'm speaking from experience on this as well.. In the beginning, Dad moved the boys around quite a bit between his different relatives and himself and his new wife. Once I was able to get it into court,it stopped. I had always associated his problems soiling with that time and did not even consider that it could be caused by an ongoing event. I have not ever used any of my boys as pawns, I have kept my mouth shut kept the peace so that my boys would not have tension in their lives, through denial of rights that are spelled out in my divorce. I will not make the mistake again. Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 What a crappy day . Neither of the states involved (CPS ) will investigate b/c my children are safe here with me ( my state) and the other state says my children are not there( true) .But they will check in on her child and investigate on his behalf. So I was told by them to maybe return my boys and just hope next time they tell a teacher. The attorneys cant figure out WHAT state holds jurisdiction. Maybe my state will Take jurisdiction ??? This is such crap. If you were to return your kids the judge probably wouldn't believe that the situation was serious. Withhold them at all costs. Waiting for them to get abused again so they can tell a teacher is a bunch of crap! Since jurisdiction is undecided and your ex is in Iraq, withhold and claim jurisdiction, your their mother and your not abusing them. Since neither state is even willing to investigate (not that an investigation would do any good), then it's safer to risk a contempt of court charge by failing to return them then jeopardizing their mental and physical health by returning them to an abusive situation. Withhold, Withhold, Withhold! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tinktronik Posted July 8, 2008 Author Share Posted July 8, 2008 If you were to return your kids the judge probably wouldn't believe that the situation was serious. Withhold them at all costs. Waiting for them to get abused again so they can tell a teacher is a bunch of crap! Since jurisdiction is undecided and your ex is in Iraq, withhold and claim jurisdiction, your their mother and your not abusing them. Since neither state is even willing to investigate (not that an investigation would do any good), then it's safer to risk a contempt of court charge by failing to return them then jeopardizing their mental and physical health by returning them to an abusive situation. Withhold, Withhold, Withhold! It sounds as if Dad will return before summer is over. SOUNDS??? I don't know. The problem is Dad seems to be okay with this and is minimizing the situation. Do I have to return the kids to Dad. Legally , I think so. My attorney is trying to figure out what the proper venue is . Its just too confusing for me, their are laws set down to find jurisdiction, but they have loopholes and clauses galore. So I wait. Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 It sounds as if Dad will return before summer is over. SOUNDS??? I don't know. The problem is Dad seems to be okay with this and is minimizing the situation. Do I have to return the kids to Dad. Legally , I think so. My attorney is trying to figure out what the proper venue is . Its just too confusing for me, their are laws set down to find jurisdiction, but they have loopholes and clauses galore. So I wait. I'm sorry to here that your kids and you have to go through that. Regardless of whether or not custody is reversed you should try to get supervised visitation when he returns at his expense and whatever else protection the courts will offer. Jurisdiction shouldn't matter when kids are being abused. Stay on your attorney and learn as much as possible about what the laws are in both states in regards to your situation. I still think you should be able to protect your kids from that situation. Make sure your attorney is doing his job. Link to post Share on other sites
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