gym or me

[vixen]

Ok, so my boyfriend leaves for nj today, he had a test this morning and he plans to go to the gym, he says he doesn't know when he is leaving for nj, could be right after the gym, could not be, but he's suppose to see me befor he goes. Now he's going to spend 2 hours at this gym, instead of seeing me befor he leaves. He might only get 5 minutes with me.

 

Wouldn't you think he should skip the gym to get in some deffinate time with me. Instead of going to the gym? I feel so unimportant. I meen, why would anyone go to the gym instead of seeing there girl friends. How should i handle it. Some peeps say smack him, some say let him know im dissapointed in him, some say dump him, others say take some time off from him. But i see him once a week, it's not like we see each other often at all.

 

any opinions??

[sunnie23]

you are in the same boat i am. i'm going to toronto tomorrow and won't see my boy till the weekend. we made no special plans to get together at all. it's not really bothering me though.

 

as well we only see each other on the weekends.

 

how do you deal with the time apart? i'm usually ok throughout the week but when friday comes i miss him soooooo much!!!

 

my plan is to suprise him at the gym tonight before i leave. then i can say goodbye in person and he'll get the point as to how important it is that we see each other.

 

i don't think guys understand the whole "being together" thing. once the initial, i can't live without you stage dies off, they start to focus on other parts of their life. if working out is important to him you should support that, i'm sure you'd expect him to support you with anything you'd liek to do.

 

as long as he's not ignoring you and shows that he cares, what is the problem?

[vixen]

well i see it like this, jon says he loves me, but actions speek louder then words, if he loves me wouldnt he want to see me more then the gym?

 

He needs to want to see me, just like yours needs to want to see you. It would disturb me terribly if i was going away and jon didn't say, i want to see you befor you go. I'm not a hobby, the gym wont miss him or cry if he opps to see me instead of it. The gym is healthy yes, but a happy relationship is just as healthy. I should be more important then some silly ole gym. If this was a normal day i wouldn't care, but it's not.

 

I do fine throught the week when he's gone, but if it goes over a week a stress, we used to see each other ever 3 to 4 days, i liked it better, he seemd like less of a stranger, more of my boyfriend, now he just seems like a friend. this disturbs me.

 

My mom and room mates mom says he has commitment issues i need to address, if he's to busy for a girl friend, he should have one. leading me around is the last thing i nead.

[sunnie23]

if you guys were together that much maybe he was neglecting other parts of his life?

 

i understand everything you're saying, i'm living it myself.

 

how long have you guys been together?

 

does he have a busy lifestyle where his time is very precious?

 

what about you, have you got a lot going on?

 

do you only see each other one evening a week, or is it all weekend?

[Gray]

Well you will get to see your boyfriend again, and maybe the gym wasn't the best move, but you do have to realize he has a life other than just you.

 

Lemme give an example from my life (a guys point of view) if you will.

 

I was planning on seeing a concert, which a band I really liked. My girlfriend at the time, was moving to a new house aboutt 30 minutes away, and wanted to hang out all day, since it was our last day together? (we weren't breaking up or anything). And so i missed the concert. Her point was I cared about the concert more than her. When how i saw it was I could see her whenever, the concert was only that day, it wasn't a matter of choosing the concert over her, it was simply the way life worked out. Later we broke up and the lead singer of Morphine died, so i'll never see them.

[vixen]

one eveing a week end, or when ever. He does have alot on his plate this summer, work, over 40 hours, school, homework, and he goes to the gym, that's all fine by me, it will slow down sooner or later, the subject is today. Right now he's at the gym, and i am here agonizeing over weather or not i should break it off with him. I should be more important the the stupid gym.

 

In a relatinship there should be desire to see who you love. I just can't reason why the gym ends up more important then me. T_T

[vixen]

he goes to the gym almost everday, it will still be there when he returns and there will be a gym at the hotel, me on the other hand feeling so unapreciated as i do, will not always be here.

[sunnie23]

you shouldn't look at the gym as being MORE important than you, it's just another part of his life. the poor guy has so much going on, he probably gets no alone time. the gym is probably the only time he gets to clear his head.

 

has he flat out told you he doesn't want to see you?

 

if he takes the time to call and make plans with you, it doesn't sound so bad to me.

 

i know this way of living can be lonely, trust me. and what gray said is true-he knows you'll be there when he gets back.

 

i love my boyfriend, and i want to see him tonight, but i have a million things i have to do. i know he'll be here for me on friday, so why worry about tonight?

[Gray]

Originally posted by vixen

he goes to the gym almost everday, it will still be there when he returns and there will be a gym at the hotel, me on the other hand feeling so unapreciated as i do, will not always be here.

 

If you're that hurt that he went to a gym. Then you should break up with him. Why continue it?

 

In my opinion I think you're overexagerating a bit. How long is he gone for? I dunno, I mean... unless he's leaving for months, I think you're getting upset over nothing.

 

BUT you're the one in the relationship. If its bothering you that much, then break up with him, and he can spend all the time in the gym without you.

[vixen]

both of your advice is sound. and i appreciat it. I have been on and off wondering where i stand in this, i love jon, no question, but i just want to feel like i meen something to him. His takeing off to the gym instead of see me befor he goes on vacation, mini vacation but still, there will be a gym at the hotel, he's dong nothing but seeing a soccor game with his dad. he's 22, im 24, and well, it just seems to me that in a healthy relationship he'd want to see me. for more then a few minutes, like an hour, or something, to talk relax and say hey you i'll miss you. Ya know, i just cant' figure why the gym is more inportant then me? is it? hes' about to get all of needed rec time, and im so happy for him. But it makes me sad to think he's at the gym instead of here makeing me feel like we are in this relationship together for each other becouse we love each other.

[wideawake]

"Weights before Dates"

 

I used to live by that mantra as well.....ah...you get older and suddenly it's more important to be with someone, rather than things that used to seem important.

 

Things change, perhaps this will as well.

[vixen]

ok may i ask why? why weights befor dates? is there some benifit?

 

Jon and i have only been dateing half a year, shouldn't the spark still be there.

 

I meen for me he's not the type of guy i prowl for. I like em tall, light haired and blue eyed, leen and toned. He's my hight, black hair, green eyes, and well, burly, not over weight, but he's rather seriose about body building.

 

I don't get it. my friend says staying hot is for me, kinda, it's a loose quote. but honestly jon is jon, i love him for him, not his sweaty gym bod.

 

sigh.

[sunnie23]

but maybe jon doesn't love himself without his sweaty gym bod. if he's serious about it then let him be.

 

otherwise you're going to be the stereotypical girl who wants to change him.

 

you have to let him do the things he likes to do, and be secure in knowing that his time with you is his time with you, and he's not thinking "i really want to be at the gym right now"

[vixen]

so true, and you know what? you all helped me so greatly, thank you. I just got back from seeing him off on his trip. Sure it was just an hour, but day befor yesterday it was nothing at all. Sure he was busy running around getting ready, but he still goofed on me, blew me kisses and stuck his tongue out at me, he was still quite happy i was there. I only made slight mention about the gym, he said, eh, sometimes i skip it for you sometimes i just can't, and i simply smiled and thought, still my jon, and well, sure it seems unusual to me sometimes, but in the end it shouldn't make me worry like it does. After all, he's always happy to see me, always wanting to get what time he can get in in. so it's all good.

 

Now he's off and won't be back till friday, i don't mind, it's just he wont call me, it's to far. (he calls me every night) but *shrug* it's only 2 nights, i'll survive.

 

I want to thank you for your input, it helped me alot, and now i know this board is indeed going to be good for me. I'll try to give advice where i can too. If i think it will be of help of coarse,

 

Arigato!!! Ja ne

[Tony T]

If you've ever done rigorous exercise on a regular basis, you know that you can feel like real crap if you miss a day. Oh, yeah, you can survive but it's really an addiction...a good addiction. If he's going out of town and he won't be able to go to the gym, he probably feels he needs this workout to get him through it all.

 

You have to be able to read between the lines...to understand that people's motives are very often much deeper than the superficial we observe. And often, people don't want to discuss their innermost thoughts on a subject. I'm not saying this is the case here, but my bet is he'd really like to be with you but he feels a great need for a workout prior to his departure. He may think it would sound a little weird if he verbalized this to you.

 

If he gives you good, quality time most of the time I think it would be very kind and gracious of you to allow him this gym time.

[vixen]

mm sound advice with better input on the whole gym thing. I work out but occasionaly in my house, and i do a cardio 3 times a week or more and yeah i do feel icky when i miss a beet. This sheds a much needed light on the subject, and im sure jon would thank you if he new.

 

Becouse i love him i would never try to change him or begrudge him something he wanted. (within reason of coarse) So thank you.

 

ja ne

[jenny]

hmm..is it possible that you want to extend that hyper-passionate 'limerance' period past its natural point? i love being courted too, but weirdly i kind of like when routine gets re-established and we are still there for each other. i would not advocate being taken for granted but often being low-maintenance means you have a really fulfilling life of your own - this is the fodder for a long term relationship. i had a boyfriend who got off the phone whenever seinfeld came on, and i liked his clarity in what he wanted - it meant that he knew what he was doing when he choose me, i guess, and he was equally cool when i would want to spend a night, even one before he left for a couple of weeks, with my friends.