Am I a bad person for speaking up?

[Ms. Doormat?]

Hi!

 

I have a friend who at one time was very close. We were both going through being left for someone else and getting divorced.

Though, for the duration of our friendship, I felt as though I put in more effort toward giving to the relationship. At the time, I did not care because I was grieving so, and she understood.

 

As I became healthier and happier, this imbalance I felt continued. I became more and more resentful and finally I brought it up. I said I needed X, Y and Z and that I did not want to feel as though I 'worked' for her. She said she did not understand, she didn't treat me differently than any of her other friends, and that she was very sad that I felt that way.

 

X, Y, and Z were things like I needed her to come to my house sometimes (she lived 20 miles away and had never been to my house). I needed to be the one she went out WITH instead of the one who babysat for her. I was her peer and babysitter and I know the other babysitters were teenagers. She would tell me stories of going to concerts, shows, weekend trips, and restaurants with all sorts of people. And I needed for her to pick up the tab sometimes. I always paid for our dinners and sometimes her groceries. And I needed her to respect my 'things'--because once I was the only one of her friends to help her set up a huge party--and I brought a lot of dishes. I had gone out for an hour during the party--and people had started cleaning up while I was gone. My expensive dishware was gone--and she did not say a word. Not sorry, or I'll email my friends or call them, surely someone's got it, or anything. I felt this was very disrespectful and I was very hurt.

 

So--our friendship was basically fundamentally changed after I spoke up. We went from very close friends to virtual strangers.

 

Fast forward in time to recently--she's getting married--and starting a business and in her happiness has called me to share.

We sort of start things up again--and decide to do a trade for business services. Well--SURPRISE! I feel like it's the same thing all over again. So I spoke up again. Again, she's confused. This time she's angry.

 

This time there is more at stake. She is ill with fibermyralgia. She has been laid off and is borrowing money from friends to pay her mortgage. She is throwing an elaborate wedding with 150 guests and is letting everyone else pay (one friend bought a dress, one friend lent money for a new mercedes benz, one friend is paying her mortgage...she wanted me to the be the one friend who handled/donated the wedding invitations, and donated the marketing materials to start her business....)

 

I don't hear her say "this happened, I have to change this so I don't get in this trouble again..." I hear her saying, "people are so generous, and God is so generous" I am scared she's setting herself up for a BIG crisis/catastrophe and is not facing reality.

 

And I can't deal--and I'm not willing to help when I get treated like doo doo--and I'm not willing to pay for stuff that she has no plan to pay for---so I got out.

 

Questions: Why and how do I get myself into these situations? (there are a couple of other relationships I've had like this--but not to this extent)

 

Am I a bad person for speaking up? Because I feel like one.

 

Or--is it just that I did not recognize the red flags--and divest myself sooner?

 

YOUR THOUGHTS PLEASE.

[quankanne]

how can you be bad if you refuse to let someone use you? If she's got a problem with it, then it's her problem, NOT yours!

[Nazima]

This person who was supposedly your 'friend' is obviously very self-centered., and thinks the universe, God, and everyone else revolves around her. Anyone who is so selfish that they would take advantage of someone else's kindness is not a friend at all. And after she let her dinner guests take your dinnerware and didn't even offer to get it back for you or buy you new stuff to replace it, that's just plain inconsiderate and downright rude! This gal doesn't deserve the time of day, let alone your help (money). My sister has fibromyalgia and she doesn't expect the rest of the world to pity her, give her their money on a silver platter(while keeping the platter too) or wait on her hand and foot. I say good riddance to bad rubbish, learn your lesson and steer clear of these types of abuser-user-losers.