Couldn't he talk about something other then the break up?

[Kamille]

My ex and I are still in touch. I'd say we exchange emails about once every two weeks and we called each other on our birthdays. We've been broken up since mid-April, after a 7 months long, intense roller-coaster like relationship that ended when he didn't feel we could withstand the relationship long distance.

 

It took me awhile, but I eventually saw his point and moved on. I am still single, not looking to date, just happy to be on my own.

 

Problem: when he writes, he always expresses pain and sorrow, a 'not getting over you' 'my thoughts, cruelly, always turn to you' kind of way. Last email exchange, I told him I would like us to get past the break up, by which I meant (and this was clear in the email) that I no longer wanted to communicate on that kind of emotional level.

 

He sent a fresh 'the memory of you sadly never fades' email yesterday. I simply don't know how to respond to it anymore because I am over the pain of the break up and I find it unfair that he wants to keep us there. Yet I do want to respond (so if you are going to suggest NC, make a compelling argument), I just don't know how. What should I do, ignore the intensity and just banter about my life?

[sb129]

NC isn't really an option, seeing as you have managed to heal while maintaining contact.

 

You have asked him not to communicate in this way, however, he still is.

 

Either be a little more firm, reminding him that you requested that you not talk on that emotional level, and from now on you won't respond to any of that kind of contact,

 

OR just ignore those parts of the email. He should get the hint eventually.

 

Hope you get some resolution K! xx

[underpants]

Why do you feel the need to stay in touch with him?

 

Is it that you hope the door will be open for another relationship go in the future?

 

Do you value him as a person and a friend? That sounds nice and all, but you know he is still dealing with the emotional and hanging onto that.

 

What is it that you hope to achieve by keeping in touch with him? Honestly.

 

You can respond in a myriad of ways that will feed either....increasing his emotional investment or decreasing it.

 

Which way do you want to go?

[Kamille]

Thanks SB.

 

I guess I have been feeling annoyed about the 'not over you' emails for the last three exchanges. The first time, I just ignored those parts of the email, and he replied by saying he thought my message was cold, considering how much he had bared his soul. I then told him that I could no longer meet his expectations, that I didn't think it was fair or healthy to stay in pain and sorrow mode and telling him I hoped our friendship could progress past the emotional pain of the break up. He agreed - even as he said that 'the memory of me was still painfully enshrined in his heart' (yes the ex is a bit of a romantic...)

 

That was about 2-3 weeks ago, and I didn't answer that email.

 

Yesterday he sent me another one, telling me he was starting his new job and that he hoped it would help him move on because not a night goes by without the cruel memory of my embrace.

 

sigh. I am going to assume his pain is legitimate, yet a part of me feels this is emotional blackmail. He can write these words because he wants to keep me hanging on.

 

I think I will banter and reassert the boundary. It will be good practice, since most can agree I always had a hard time asserting my boundaries with the ex.

[Kamille]

Why do you feel the need to stay in touch with him?

 

Is it that you hope the door will be open for another relationship go in the future?

 

Do you value him as a person and a friend? That sounds nice and all, but you know he is still dealing with the emotional and hanging onto that.

 

What is it that you hope to achieve by keeping in touch with him? Honestly.

 

You can respond in a myriad of ways that will feed either....increasing his emotional investment or decreasing it.

 

Which way do you want to go?

 

Good questions Unders.

 

I think I initially kept in touch with some hope for the future, but now I am no longer there.

 

I do value him - we have never been friends so I don't know if it's as a friend - but I do want him to be a part of my life - if only for what an amazing person he is and how much he was there for me when I was going through hard times and how much we laughed together.

 

I do want to decrease the emotional investment. I'm thinking he doesn't. He says he's never been good at being friends with exes, and I'm starting to understand why.

 

Perhaps I should end contact?

[Nevermind]

You could remind him, gently, that the break-up was his idea and that it seems unfair to still remind you of it. You had your share of the pain, he cannot expect you to take his also.

 

Is there basis for a friendship? Do you have enough in common to keep a connection flowing? Could his reminding be an effort to keep the connection alive?

[serendip]

I do value him

 

If you value him...then do NC for his own good b/c he is not healed from the break up.

 

I doubt you are healed too.

[underpants]

It is a sticky situation.

 

He might be getting it all out (emotionally vomiting ). Then he will be done maybe?

 

The rub will be when he moves on and no longer wants to talk to you regularly...or vice versa.

 

What is happening now is probably just a prolonging of the inevitable.

 

I have ex's that I'm friendly towards when I see them by chance. I don't seek them out or keep regular contact with them. I respect that the R is over and that life goes on. There are some far removed (years ago) ex's that if they ever needed anything they could call me. There is no residual romantic feelings and only a friendly fondness.

 

I don't know. Different people cope differently. I'm not big on keeping ex's on a burner (intentional or not). I don't think it's fair to them or me, or really respectful of the R in the first place. However, that is my philosophy and it took some mis steps to get there.

 

It will work out one way or another. I wish you the best. I can see that you are trying to handle things in the most respectful manner. I admire you for that.

[Kamille]

Is there basis for a friendship? Do you have enough in common to keep a connection flowing? Could his reminding be an effort to keep the connection alive?

 

I think it is an effort to keep the connection alive.

 

I think that emotional intensity is the only way he knows how to relate to me. It brings me back to the core of our R's problem: he always felt I didn't love him as much as he loved me, but for me it was always a case of being practical and not living in a 'bubble'.

 

Him: romantic, Me: pragmatic.

 

It could also be that he thinks that that's what I need to hear. When he made the decision to break up, I really felt discarded. In the first few contacts after the break up, I was selfishly relieved to hear he was finding it hard to get past us; it made me feel like at least he valued what we had as much as I did.

 

Perhaps Serendip is right and he needs time to heal.

 

So I think I will write to him and wish him all the best in his new job, telling him I hope it will help him get over us. (Or something more delicately phrased...)

[johan]

Guys are stupid sometimes. Thankfully I'm above all that myself.

 

I can see staying in touch. Maybe an email once a year. If you're writing regularly, then there is something more to it. On both sides.

[Ariadne]

Hey Kamille,

 

He is just missing you. I don't think is blackmail or any of that.

 

Is that case of, you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Love knows not of its depth till time time of goodbye thing.

 

The guy is all alone in a new city and he was used to have you sleep with him almost every night.

 

He probably thought that it'd be easier to break up with you once he left and it came to bite him.

 

The solution for him would be to meet someone else, but since he hasn't, he is hanging onto the memories and making them "enshrined" even.

 

He might even ask you to get back together or come back to see you.

 

I'd say keep talking.

[Kamille]

Thanks Ariadne, your post made me smile. I think you're right about a lot of things: he just misses me, he is alone in a big city and he likely thought it would be easier to get over the relationship then it actually is for him.

 

Anyways, I still hadn't responded when I got an email from him last night, saying he realized that I had chosen not to answer his last emails, for reason he could only speculate about, but that he was having a very nostalgic day since the boxes from 'our' appartment had arrived in his new city.

 

I bit the bullet and told him, flat out, that I didn't know how to answer emotionnally intense emails, especially now that I was over the break up. I added that I could only hope that next time he wrote to me, I would at least get a sense that he was happy.

 

We'll see when that will be.

[Ariadne]

Anyways, I still hadn't responded when I got an email from him last night, saying he realized that I had chosen not to answer his last emails..

 

See, he was right also.

 

You don't love him at all.

 

[Kamille]

See, he was right also.

 

You don't love him at all.

 

 

ah honey. I guess my love is conditional to not being discarded because of 250 miles.

 

No, I no longer 'love him'. That's what the chance you take when you break someone's heart, that they will move on.

 

And yeah, with hindsight I think our love was contextual. We both suited each other's needs for a period of time, and then, once my needs changed, neither one of us were able to adapt.

[shadowplay]

No, I no longer 'love him'. That's what the chance you take when you break someone's heart, that they will move on.

 

I'm kind of surprised to hear you say this. I mean, I think it's good. But how were you able to get over him so fast? I remember just two or three weeks ago you really missed him. What was the turning point for you?

 

Do you think you ever really loved him or were more just deeply hurt by his rejection?

[johan]

It is a lot easier to get over someone who is suffering over losing you. As opposed to having to face the idea that they moved on without a care. Breaking up is like a race that way, especially if you keep in touch.

[shadowplay]

It is a lot easier to get over someone who is suffering over losing you. As opposed to having to face the idea that they moved on without a care. Breaking up is like a race that way, especially if you keep in touch.

 

Agreed, I was just thinking the same. I think you lose a little respect for the person. You also feel like you're moving on beyond them.

[johan]

Agreed, I was just thinking the same.

 

I love it when you agree with me. It makes you so much more attractive!

[sunshinegirl]

It is a lot easier to get over someone who is suffering over losing you. As opposed to having to face the idea that they moved on without a care. Breaking up is like a race that way, especially if you keep in touch.

 

No kidding. What I wouldn't give for some indication that my ex is suffering at some level. [Please, Universe? Just one glimpse, one piece of information, one *something* to let me know he has a heart, a conscience, and that I wasn't just a piece of ass to him? Pretty please?]