guys what do you think?

[vanilla87]

I posted this last night and kept getting a girls advice that was probably still in highschool which I'm not so I don't need any of that to get an answer, I'm a female I get how the mind works for my side, but I need a guys insight to this one!

 

I have been really close to this guy for the last 6 years. We're practically best friends at this point. We get along and are like two peas in a pod. We talk about almost everything, we have the same humor, we think a lot a like, and we are always there for each other, even when we can't be, we find ways. Ever since I was 16 and he was 18, we've been flirty with one another. I'm 21 and he is 23 currently, and in the last 3-4 years something has happened. 3 years ago we got entangled in a situation, that ultimatly hurt two other people we we're seeing at the time, yet it happened for some reason. Then earlier this year, we hung out, alone, talked for almost 3 hours straight, but while we talked, he complimented me, alot, saying how awesome i am, that I'm very beautiful, that I'm very intelligent and mentioned that the sexiest thing about me is my mind, and he flirted with me, touching me and sort of play fight with me like he did when we we're in hs. But then before he left he hugged me atleast 4-5 times and then got touchy feely when he hugged me and sort of kissed my neck twice when he hugged me. Then we tells me he has to think with his head, but he would have loved to stay, but had to work in the morning. But I did something, i kissed him, he kissed me back though, not once, but twice! The second time happened after we stopped the first time and we ended up talking and then he stands in front of me and takes both of his hands and grabs my face gently and kisses me deeply. He left a little after that. But then 2 weeks later he ends up dating someone, someone I know, that he is friends with. Then recently, I asked him if he ever wanted something more in high school with me, more then just hooking up, and he told me he did. Now, I'm unsure what is going with him and the friendship we have, because on top of that, I used to have a small crush on him when i was 16, but it faded, but after that kiss, it sparked something again, and now I have feelings for him.

Well during the time we kissed and he started dating someone, I went through a terrible thing, I lost my aunt to breast cancer and I was very vulnerable. I did however believe I latched onto the situation (drank and drunk texted him) and ultimately gave him the wrong idea (my opinion), and i apologized to him about it and he understood, but also told me thats why nothing could happen. Do you think he started dating the other girl, because I wasn't emotionally stable at the time and was too vulnerable that he would feel as though he would of been taking advantage of me? I asked him if things would have been different, he never responded back to me. Do you think he was avoiding it because its too late or because he thinks I already know the answer to that? Also this guys has been there for me in the past, when i had food problems he stood by my side till i got better, when a then boyfriend at the time was an jerk to me and cheered me up, he was on the phone a lot with me even when he was away @ basic training and getting further training down in texas. On top of that its more complicated too, his uncle has been best friends with my dad since they were in highschool themselves. So as you can see its not easy as drop the idea and leave it at friendship at this point in time. So all the guys out there what do you think?

[DdownUnder]

Well I think its very hard for us to know what he's thinking based solely on your interpretation of events.

 

I did however believe I latched onto the situation (drank and drunk texted him) and ultimately gave him the wrong idea (my opinion), and i apologized to him about it and he understood, but also told me thats why nothing could happen

 

So he thinks that you consider the kissing a mistake? that could explain why he backed away.

 

I could be wrong, but this guy may have had or still has genuine feelings for you and it's your indecisiveness thats putting him off.

 

You two should have had a straight-up discussion about a potential romantic relationship instead of this "what could have been" stuff". The fact that he is now seeing someone REALLY complicates things ...you may have missed the boat i'm sorry. I know how that feels

[Ms. Red]

Why don't you compose like someone who has graduated from high school & you may get more responses.

 

Also, someone who has high expectations is not high maintenance. Someone who has low expectations doesn't value themselves very much. That's just sad to actually hear someone admit.

[vanilla87]

Why don't you compose like someone who has graduated from high school & you may get more responses.

 

Also, someone who has high expectations is not high maintenance. Someone who has low expectations doesn't value themselves very much. That's just sad to actually hear someone admit.

 

Well actually the thing is that I use to have high expectations and it eventually led me to really never get any guys. It also led me to jerks, like the last three guys I dated that were intelligent, funny, and highly good looking. So basically either way its a catch-22. Anyway, will you get off your high horse and show some respect??? Cause with that attitude you seem like the girl that a)never gets laid or b)have many guy problems either ending in the guy leaving you for some other girl or telling you "its not you, its me" syndrome, OR you are the type of girl that never gets the guy you crush on. Either way, by dissing me and not giving advice, since this is an advice website not a diss that girl website, you need to evaluate what you say before you type and approve your material on this thread. Anyway, to the guy above, thank you for being honest and not like this girl here, that whys i get along better with guys as a side note. Also i ASKED FOR A GUYS OPINION not a FEMALES perspective on the situation, thats what made me choose to make a new thread in the first place. If I wanted a females opinion, like my own, I would ask for it, but being I asked for a GUYS opinion not a general slang term as a general way of saying everyone, so why don't you stop using this attitude like your in HIGHSHOOL, and act your own age. Anyway, back to the guy above, your probably right, I did miss my chance, but as history goes with him, he always comes back. Thats why three years ago we hooked up while we where both in relationships with other people. My only concern is that he will get that light bulb thing where he realizes he is too late and tried to sabotage something good I have with someone. The other thing is that I may actually be falling for him this time, which is why its harder to let go. I want to let go, I do, i think it would be best, even my best friend who is best friends with him thinks i should, but its the history I'm hung up on that makes it hard to live and let live kind of thing. Whats worse is he has this pattern with me. He tends to come back to me, hanging out, constant talking, wanting to be around me, after every girl he gets involved with or dates or is in a relationship with. I sometimes wonder if he is just holding off till he gets done with all these girls and choose to settle with me in a serious way, cause we have this connection where we can look at one another and know just by a look and that why I get this feeling he is holding out till he is ready for the big time with me. If it sounds crazy, then say so, but I get this strange feeling that he is. Plus I'm the only one where if he is bs'ing me, I can call him on it and he told me once that I'm one of the few that can and thats why he can't lie to me, which is why he never answered my questioned where I asked him if things were different he would want to be with me. Anyway, if you have any advice, I'd love to hear it, you seem to know what your talking about. Also his mind is like mine, some people say I'm like the female version of him or he is the male version of me basically, in other words, we're too much alike down to the way we handle things emotionally.

 

*oh lastly I've been drinking. I had about 4 drinks by now. so either way, being that i formulated all that has nothing to do with graduating highschool and being of age, it has to do with common sense and reason, thank you!*

[Ms. Red]

since this is an advice website not a diss that girl website, you need to evaluate what you say before you type and approve your material on this thread.

 

I've been drinking. I had about 4 drinks by now. so either way, being that i formulated all that has nothing to do with graduating highschool and being of age, it has to do with common sense and reason, thank you!

 

Great attitude you have there as a noob to LS. That will make the guys swoon & swarm around your irresistible charm with advice.

 

I shall bow out of your thread. Let the "guys opinions" that flood in supporting you & your drunken ramblings prove me wrong about how you should compose more legibly . I wish you well in your future relationships.

[Enema]

Please use paragraphs, Ms. Red is right, this is horrible to read.

 

I don't even really know what your main question is... but as a guy, my feeling is that he wants to have sex with you, maybe a sexual relationship, but he doesn't want to date you.

[vanilla87]

Well what do you think from reading what I've wrote, that he only wants something sexual? Is it because of what he said or what he did? Please, explain, I LOVE to know an your opinion since you seem to know...

 

 

*side note, for future reference, I've been drinking(5th beverage), I have ADD, yet I still can focus, and get to the point, which says a lot about you as a person. well its kind of hard to believe someone that has a pink horse and a rainbow for their icon on this thread when it comes to an opinion, no offense, but to take you seriously, is asking to believe george bush that we will be leaving Iraq before the next election, on offense. Okay and what does paragraphs have to do with answering a question anyway? thats like asking someone to answer a riddle that has no answer, basically there is no point to you making reference about paragraphs to begin with and also if I wanted structure advice about my writing, I'd go ask someone that is majoring in English, not you or I'd go to another website dedicated to the english language that is proper and well suited, oh wait there isn't, because our society is abusing the english language and that why all the english think we're dumb...silly me I shouldn't waste my time on someone who is critizing others, who probably isn't a professor in english nor anything in academia of todays educational existence. Also please for future reference towards any post, if anyone ask for advice, give it to 'em, not on their sentence structure, oh and if you get bent out of shape due to what I've voiced as my personal opinion, please know that I'm a female, I'm 21, I've probably delt with more bs then you have in your entire life and more wrongs then any rights. Not to sound like a teen soap opera, but I've dealt with eating disorders, more then 5 deaths in the last 2 years, being engaged to a man that ran out on me, and lastly, I dealt with a man that took advantage of me. So as you can see, I'd like advice, not advice on my writing skills thank you.*

[Enema]

You have ADD? No way!

 

ps. lol

[The Collector]

He's probably not that attracted to you, or he'd act differently. He's said some nice things about you, but actions speak louder than words. I doubt he'd have avoided a relationship because you were vulnerable. He might be avoiding a relationship with you because you have ADD, react badly to criticism, are a cheater (as his he, but that's irrelevant) and seem emotionally immature. No offense.

[Narf]

Im female and i know you dont want my thoughts but im going to give them anyway...

As with the guy... I think you could be totally right maybe he is scared just as you say.. I have a guy that is scared... We got into a fight about he's behaviour cause he was the one that broke up with me yet would call alot and txt saying how beautiful and awesome i am. The fight started with me telling him to back off ... Im not into head games...he made his decision now be fair on me and leave me alone... It eventually came out(took 2 months) he could marry me and he doesnt want seriousness he is young and just not ready for a relationship with me....yet...He didnt want to meet me now :/

With your guy if he wanted just hooking up and didnt care about you he would still be hooking up with you not dating another girl. It is just up to you how you handle it.. stay friends and hope he gets over the fear or move on and put it all down to timing...

 

By the way, if you are nicer more people will offer thoughts and advice... And the paragraph thing is only so it is easier to read and people wont stop half way out of frustration.

[vanilla87]

Thank you for advice. See thats was nicer, but it retrospect it wouldn't be an issue if they were nicer about it, as the saying goes "you can catch more flies with honey then with vinegar...", & I also go by the golden rule too, even though it wasn't showing, "treat others how you want to be treated...", well if your being snarky or self righteous, it'll be return in the same attitude from me.

 

Anyway, enough about paragraphs, it is a little tricky, and guys are just weird about what they want, while some actually tell you, which is very few really. But who knows what he wants, I just need an outside opinion on all this cause when you look at something for too long you get confused and need a fresh look on things, so I appreciate your views on it. I did though last night message him saying a lot of stuff to him about it all so I'm just waiting to see if he is going to grow a pair and speak up and be an adult about it or just hide and pretend to not know me, either way I took the initiative and finally said what I need to say about the last 6 years, cause I don't like playing mind games nor do I enjoy being strung along on any level with someone.

[Narf]

I hate the games too :/ specially when you think you can read the person pretty well so why would they behave in this way. I would be very interested in how it goes for you...

 

I dont think my guy would be open to answering questions... It would freak him....He would back off and leave me alone for awhile i think...

 

So far i have decided not to push to get answers cause clearly he is confused and me pushing him for answers to feelings he cant understand/doesnt want to have will not help either of us.. I figure if he wants me he will get over whatever is stopping him and we will give it a go...

 

Only problem is what do i do in the mean time...

 

Try move on? I guess this is best but at the moment he is in my head and i cant get him out.. I cant use people so meeting someone new is hard...

 

Wait around?? No way! My pride wont let me wait for a guy that isnt sure if he wants me or not...

 

Sorry this prob doesnt help you much... Is there anyone else reading this that has an opinion or idea??

[taylor]

Hi Vanilla,

 

Sorry. I'm a girl, too, but thought I'd add my 2 cents.

 

I think your friend thinks of you just as a friend..someone to hang with when he has down time (not in a relationship). He likes hanging with you because you are like two peas in a pod..but he does not consider you relationship material.

 

Don't try to rationalize his actions by assuming he is afraid of something. He isn't afraid of anything.

 

He kissed you but that was probably his hormones talking in a moment of weakness..nothing more.

 

A good lesson to learn at your young age..Actions speak louder than words. If he wanted to date you, you would know it. He would be pursuing you and expressing interest. He isn't doing this.

 

I would not wait around for him. There are a million fish in the sea. Go catch one.

[taylor]

Oh, yes, one more piece of advice...If you want to catch a decent guy..one that respects you and takes you seriously, do not call him while drinking. Guys do not respect girls or take girls seriously who ramble on in drunken stupors. They will only interpret that as a possible opportunistic booty call. If you want more than that, call only when sober.

[vanilla87]

Well I have my reasons as to why he is the way he is, but with what your saying, I don't feel the need to say it, cause I'll probably be told the same thing all over again.

 

Anyway, I'll say this though, me and him, we think a lot alike, which I've already said above, which means, I know when he is lying and what not by any means and when he is trying to cover up something in any way, and he knows so its hard for him to lie, because he told me to my face that he can not lie to me cause I call him out on it everytime. Thats why he tends to avoid answering me back because he can't lie to me or even be near me when he is trying to cover up something, cause he gets a little weird, like he is distracted or tries to distract me so I don't question him or he starts to bounce his leg lightly, little things like that makes me know usually. That always applies to me too, which is why its hard for either of us to bring up anything we need to talk about.

 

Another little 411 on this is that when his friend assumes we dated back in highschool, you know that means maybe my friend wasn't telling me everything and more so which made me question, if he has finally confessed 6 years later that he did infact like me in highschool as more then a friend, then what else is he not telling me? Its things like that, that make me wonder why he is acting the way he is now with me. I also know for a fact, if a friend is dating someone, they don't hide it unless they don't want you to know about it, i had to find out he was dating someone one through one of those silly social networks, which says a lot right there. He isn't a bad friend, don't get me wrong, its just that, it made me think why wouldn't he say anything? Cause he usually does..

[taylor]

I also know for a fact, if a friend is dating someone, they don't hide it unless they don't want you to know about it, i had to find out he was dating someone one through one of those silly social networks, which says a lot right there. He isn't a bad friend, don't get me wrong, its just that, it made me think why wouldn't he say anything? Cause he usually does..

 

He probably didn't want you to know he was dating someone else because he thought it might hurt your feelings if you knew. Of course you found out, but it wasn't going to be from him.

 

If you are the one for him, he will come back around eventually. In the meantime, just be his friend. Don't obsess about him. That will push him away. Don't wait for him. You will set yourself up for heartache, disappointment and frustration. Instead, date, and let him date. By dating, you will each discover what else is out there. You may find someone "better." He may, too. Or you may both come to realize there is no one better and find a greater appreciation for each other. The key: DATING OTHER PEOPLE.

[vanilla87]

I have no problem dating other people, thats easy, always will be, I'm even starting to see someone I used to date actually, keeping it casual, cause we don't live close enough, so I'm not worried about getting serious anytime soon, but also its hard to bury something with someone you have history with. Its the idea that I know the truth and its eating me up and the fact that I can't let it go, not cause I'm stubborn, cause I care, thats all.

 

I know what you mean about all that "setting yourself up for...", I learned that the hard way with my first boyfriend back when I was a freshman in high school. I was 14, young, and nieve to how deal with it all, and when he broke up with me I didn't full let go till that summer, when I found someone new to like and try being with. Then my best friend started to like him once school started up again and wouldn't shut up about him, so for about a month, it took for me to stand it, which led me to start liking him again. So it took me about 10 months to get over him cause my friend liked him for about 3 1/2 months, then I had to deal with him all school year in about 2 classes, so I couldn't avoid him, and lastly, he was friends with pretty much all my friends. So I tried dating, i got involved with another friend for about 2-3 months, left him for another friend, that lasted like 2-3 weeks, and then stayed single.

 

Lesson I learned is, when your ready to let go, your heart will do it, even if your dating someone else, it takes time for it to happen, not when you want it, but when its needed to happen. Which is why this is harder now then when I was 16. I was under different circumstances then and plus he was gone a lot more when i was 17/18 & a senior in high school, cause he was in texas most of the time for training, so I only saw him once in fall 2004 and once in all of the whole year of 2005. But 2004 was great, cause he was all excited to see me, and well when your in the military, and your in uniform or something that is regulated as to not do any kind of PDA, that includes hugging, its hard to then hug someone. We both were in ajrotc in highschool, so we had real military army officers as our instructors, thats one main reason. So he got smart, made me follow him, and gave me the biggest bear hug, twirled me around and wouldn't let go for about a minute and said he missed me and was happy to see me and hugged me again. Anyway, we talked on and off my whole senior year, I mean to the point where I'd be in class and he be working and we would send text messages back and forth and flirted and joked with one another. We created more inside jokes then, then we have ever before.

 

It was a long time ago, I know, but he does get nostologic from time to time with me, like the time we reminisce about me being covered in birthday cake at a friends sweet 16 or the time he stole my bandana twice on halloween and made me chase him for it and i ended up rolling down the carpeted stairs in the auditorium and had a rug burn on my back or the time he joked and stole my issues of cosmopolitain everytime i got a new one and brought it to school to read or the time he stole my camera and started taking pictures of me while I was in line formation and being quizzed on my marching and positioning and he started to poke and pinch the back of my legs or the time we talked for 2 hours on the phone about almost nothing and everything under the sun or the time he faked proposed to me in front of a few of our friends and then started calling me his wifey or the time he wrestled me to the floor and bite my butt as a joke or the time we ran into the supply closet and swapped shirts and i gave him my bra (i was wearing a bright yellow tied dyed tank top with a blue bra *wash day*) and he ran out saying he looked awesome with the shirt and bra on or the time I got him a x-mas present and he took it and ran off down the ramp into the rotc room and then about a minute later, ran up and just swooped in and gave me this big hug and twirled me around and wouldn't let go saying "this is the best present ever! Its want I've wanted! Thank you! Your the best EVER!" and then he delibirately stole my hersey kisses and i almost gave him weggie when i chased him to get them back or the time he almost kissed me on a day i felt like crap, was having issues with my father, school problems, and was so stressed out from the prep of the principals parade in the coming two days, and i was crying and he came in and sat next to me on the floor and hugged me and said it'll be alright and that he is here and then we joked for awhile and it got quiet i was leaning on his shoulder and i sat up and i was talking and he turned him head and i stopped talking and we slowly started to lean in and we were about 2-3 inches from each other when someone opened the door and we stopped.

 

So yeah, I have over 100 more memories, but those stand out, a lot. So its not easy to just "let go", I wish, my god, I wish it was, but its not. So I'll bury it for the time being, nothing else I can do anyway. So I'll have fun and just see other guys, but that'll last only for so long anyway...

[taylor]

Vanilla,

 

I can see how emotionally attached you are to this guy and I can appreciate that. You two have made some wonderful memories ( I enjoyed reading them) that no one can take from you.

 

You don't have to bury the memories. You can pull them out every once in a while, enjoy them, smile, and then put them away. Memories are a way for us to keep special people close to us even when they are not.

 

But don't let memories become too powerful. Don't let them control your life. This is easy for me to say. It's harder to do, but necessary if you are going to live your life in a productive way.

 

It's good you are dating. You will meet all kinds of people, have all kinds of experiences,..and just think of all the new memories you're going to make.

 

I would not totally discount this guy. People move in and out of our lives. And life takes alot of funny twists and turns. It's a crazy, but beautiful ride. Enjoy it. Hope you are having a great day.

[vanilla87]

Thank you for what you have said Taylor. Its true, I shouldn't hold the memories up on a pedestal or in some big way, its not healthy for one to do such a thing in life.

 

I do like pull them out and looking back on it all, it reminds me that things were good between us and maybe we can still have that bond, as friends, hopefully.

 

It is good to be putting myself out there and trying to be with other people, but guys are tricky, especially around my age group (18-25), they are more so into just casual dating then dating for something that'll turn serious, cause I'm looking for someone to settle down with now and don't want to play around or do anything with a guy I could regret, which is why I'm selective, but not high maintenance.

 

I also tend to go for a similar type of guy. Usually older then me (even by a year, never younger, just a pet peeve), taller (I'm 5'5"), slightly built or slim looking with a good build, dark blonde/light brown hair, green or brown eyes, strong personality, intelligent, very humorous, and lastly, always has some sort of problems with women, either a serious gf cheated on him, or each one dumped him, or he can't commit, etc...

 

Now my friend on the other hand is a little of the first few, extremely intelligent, highly humorous, loves his family (which is major brownie points!), runs his own branch in his dad's business (aka - works for himself), has dark blonde hair, brown eyes, and he has impressed my dad to the point that my dad trust him, because my dad doesn't fully trust any guy, alone, with me, also my dad used to be a door man/security guy for the dakota down in manhattan/nyc during the late 70's early 80's, where John Lennon lived till the day he died, so my dad is highly aware of who to trust and who to not trust with me, which says a lot about my friend to begin with...

 

The part that gets under my skin is that since we literally think, act, and respond alike, its hard, because we're so much a like, which is good, but its bad too. We push each other buttons, but we also cheer each other up.

 

The one thing that still sticks out in my mind is this: he told me I'm one of the few people he has kept around over the years and for a few reasons. it made me think, awww how sweet, then I thought about it again that night and realize, hmm, is there something I'm missing here?

 

I didn't start having feelings for till the next day after the kiss, thats why its strange, cause it hit me like a ton of bricks that I'm back where I was 6 years ago and all that has changed is him finally admitting things to me and nothing else.

 

Lastly, I just worry, as a friend, that he'll pull the same thing he did two summers ago with one girl he dated. He came home on leave for two weeks from afghan (long back story), he started to date a girl he knew since hs, then he went back over. They called each other 3-4 times a week, emailed and talked on their social networks together to keep in touch. Now while he was over there, in early november, he broke up with her, basically about a month before he came home. Its because of the long distance and after a certain point he gets fed up and worries and well he just ends it before it gets out of hand and blows up at her.

 

See thats why I'm worried, his gf is going to leave in august, to go to college, as a freshman, down in south carolina, he is suppose to go down with her, probably help her get step up, don't know the full details, but w/e. Anyway, I just know he'll only last so long before she gets back and not to sound mean, but he'll break up with her before her spring break or before next summer. She is a really sweet girl, seems inexperienced compared to him, and well she'll be meeting new people, which means, new guys, which means parties, which means she'll get distracted and I worry, I don't want him to break her heart, but I don't want her to break his. Normally I don't like the girls he has dated, even though he has dated two of my friends, the thing is, I like his new gf. She is really nice, friendly, cute, and is very book smart.

 

Its just that I worry and he is the same way, so I just don't want to get a call saying he is lonely and that he wants to hang out and then I find out after he has been drinking that he broke up with her and well thats when he'll hit on me and the rest is pretty much evident. Its not the first time either. He has called me up, we talked, then he started to complain about how he is all alone and has no one special. I had to convince him that he will find someone special, just not right now nor when he expects to find someone. I told him it'll take time, its going to happen, and that he needed to be patient. But he still complained. Anyway, my point is that he always seems to come around, this is his pattern, after ever girl leaves him, or he leaves 'em, or after a girl he has hooked up with, anything serious with another girl, or he is about to break up with one. Then he wants to catch up, see if i'm with anyone, have a good laugh, and then he starts to flirt with me.

 

Its always the same thing. I've gotten used to it by now, but I'm also a little tired of being pulled into it and him just not making any kind of normal progress someone should make. So its hard just trying to pretend and act normal and let go of what I feel because I'm afraid I'll wind up with someone, be very happy, and he'll be all mad and worried that the guy I'm with is no good and that he is for me and its like I can't ever win, catch-22.

 

Anyway, he isn't talking to me right now, I know why, but thats too long of a discussion to begin with. Basically I'm just playing his game, giving a taste of his own medicine, but it won't last for long, thats the truth. We can't go past 6 months of no talking, last time it was 2, the time before that was 3. So I'm just going to forget him for awhile, till things blow over.

 

If anyone wants to add their two cents on this, go ahead, just as long as its not "MOVE ON!" or anything remotely that blunt, because i get it, but he is one of my best friends, so its tricky.