lonelyisme Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 OK, first of all, don't like my title, but don't know how to title this... OK, my friend from childhood, got married about 10 years ago, to a woman that I liked and was attracted to first sight (never met her until he brought her around to introduce), however, I stayed clear, not just because of my friend, but because I was in a relationship too. Anyways, long story short, I got a divorce and then about a year later he got divorced and moved off to another town with another woman. I started hanging out, talking, and chatting with his now ex wife. We always were friendly in the past, but now we became very good friends. We shared everything with each other. How crappy or not so crappy our marriages were, sexual things (we both haven't had sex in a while), just stuff. The better I got to know her, the more I fell for her, and kind of think she was falling for me too. (I am not very great and knowing 100% for sure about these things). Anyways, we were chatting every night on Yahoo, talked on phone often, etc. and then her ex (still with other woman) moved back close to where she was and that stopped. Now she's moved herself away from him and it has picked up again. Anyways, last weekend she calls me up asking if I had any alcoholic drinks, and if I did would I mind bringing some to her. (had some stuff from a get together we had from before, LOL) Of course, I didn't mind. I ended up not only taking it to her, but staying at her house from 10PM until 2:30 AM watching movies and sitting on the couch together (she invited me to watch movies). She drank, I didn't because I had to drive home. OK, she has love-seat and a couch, there was only the two of us, and we both spent the entire time sitting right next to each other on the couch. We were sitting close enough that our bodies touched, and she didn't pull away and if she got up, when she sat back down, she'd sit in the same spot so we would touch. Nothing happened, but I kept feeling like she wanted something. She'd stretch out facing me, she put her feet up across my legs and then on her coffee table, we played a little (tickle her feet or back of her neck) and she'd hit me (not hard, like playful hitting) etc... After this night, she's called, text, talked to, etc. wanting me to go up and watch fireworks with her last night and "needing favors" around her house, etc... Anyways, instead of going on endlessly. How do I know she's not just lonely and wants a friend around? And it just so happens to be me. And then, if she does have the same feelings for me as I do her, then do I wait around for it to happen or pursue it? I do value her friendship and would take a lifetime friend over a non-existent or short lived romantic relationship. The 800 pound gorilla in the room is my friend and her ex husband. They have kids together too and not only am I friends with him, but I'm friends with his entire family. If it didn't work out, I could possibly lose them along with her, if it did work out, I'd gain happiness with her, and possibly lose my friend and his family?? LOL what a dilema. Anyone? Thanks, Anyways, I'm confused about it all, and unsure of what to do or not to do. Link to post Share on other sites
adien012 Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 wow thats a whole drama couch haha. What i think you should do is first talk to her about it i mean talking doesn't make you regret anything you know. So i would confront her about it first and ask her what is up. honesty is the best policy so be honest with her because if you are not then nobody knows how you truly feel about the person. Sexual tension is hard to resist but approached in a mature way conflict can be avoided. hope that helps Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelyisme Posted October 4, 2008 Author Share Posted October 4, 2008 OK, update. I told her how I felt and she said that she doesn't look at me the same way. OK, I can deal with that no problems. However, she confuses me even more now. Saying that she's not interested but yet she still flirts, talks about things that are very, very personal (sexual things) acts excited to see me, and we sit and talk for hours when we are around each other. The other half of this is that she hardly ever contacts me (since about the time I told her how I felt, but she did this before too, just not as much), I have to make first contact and when I do, she normally responds quickly and openly (meaning she tells me to come up etc. when I offer, without any "well maybe not tonight" etc). When we are around each other she sits close to me, allowing our legs, arms, etc. to touch without pulling away. Not like she sits across from me or anything, she seems to enjoy closeness. Like I said she talks about everything, there is nothing that she holds back or shy away from. I don't lead the conversation, I allow her to take it where it goes, and I simply follow. All of that said, I know that both of us are in need of a good friend, and I honestly don't mind one bit being a close friend. I mean, I love her, and am happy with friendship, especially the closeness and openness we have between each other. I just sometimes don't know if she expects me to do something, or to take the "lead" etc... There is times that we are face to face and close and the look in her eyes (she's looking in mine btw) is that she wants me to kiss her. This is what confuses me the most. That or when the talk turns towards sexual in nature--not every time we talk, but comes up often--not just things like "my worst experience was", but I enjoy X and X and like doing X. More or less, all the things that most people are taught are body language signs of attraction and interest she exhibits, but she said the words that she's not interested. This I know means very little, and I try to think that she's simply showing closeness with someone that she trust and has a good friendship with but not anything else. And I also try to pass it off as a normal male weakness, in that I am taking something completely out of context, or taking how she acts to mean she is wildly attracted to me etc... And it isn't all about her, so it isn't a thing where she is using me. Because she does care about things that affect me too. We talk for hours and both of us listen to each other and give each other a friendly ear. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 4, 2008 Share Posted October 4, 2008 You said you would take the friendship with her, so do that, because she TOLD you she's not interested in that way. You're a comfort to her, and she enjoys flirting and being close with you because it's been SO LONG since she's really done that with anyone. But she TOLD YOU she's not interested in that way, so you have to accept that at face value. I'd suggest you spend less time with her and more time dating women. You'll have a better chance of getting into a real relationship that way. The more time you spend with her, your feeling being what they are, the more likely you will feel more and more for her and sabotage yourself from ever meeting or noticing other women. Link to post Share on other sites
sam light Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 Her actions speak louder than her words. She wants you but won't come out and say it. By discussing whether she wants you or not (and not if you want her) she had a choice of going out on a limb and saying "it" and waiting for you to accept or reject her, or being safe and saying no. As far as her ex goes, if he knew you two were spending all this time together, he would think something was going on. So if you have her or not you'll still lose him as a friend. Eventually she will be embarassed that she maid all these moves on you and you didn't take her. She will then avoid or even hate you. Have a couple of drinks (use as an excuse later) tell her (in person!) you're delighted with her friendship but that you sometimes want more. Hold her hand and tell her all you need is her O.K. If she gives it then go for it immediately bofor she gets really mad. The key is making it clear that you want her, not discussing if she's interested in you. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 5, 2008 Share Posted October 5, 2008 You have a safe history (as the friend of she and her ex). You are attractive. She wants to feel attractive and safe. You are what I call a situationally safe ego feed. She can flirt with you, even be sexually suggestive with you, and still raise that old habitual boundary when it suits her. Her words and actions do not match. This is a sign of a woman who isn't ready for a healthy relationship with you. It's mixed signals. IME, it's a rabbit hole you don't want to descend If you can resolve your attraction and/or are merely responding to her flirtations (be careful of that distinction), continue as a friend. If not, I'd let her go. Link to post Share on other sites
julkat Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 It feels very good to know a man is interested in you. She is filling a need. It feels very good to have contact with someone you're interested in. You're filling a need. Relationship material? I don't think so. It is what it is. It sounds to me as if you are set up for serious heartache and repercussions here. Love her as a friend, let her go as a potential mate. IMHO, for many reasons, it isn't going to happen. I would be friendly, limit contact, and you spend time with others too (without comparing them to her). Fake it til you make it - your heart will catch up with your head. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 You said you would take the friendship with her, so do that, because she TOLD you she's not interested in that way. You're a comfort to her, and she enjoys flirting and being close with you because it's been SO LONG since she's really done that with anyone. But she TOLD YOU she's not interested in that way, so you have to accept that at face value. I'd suggest you spend less time with her and more time dating women. You'll have a better chance of getting into a real relationship that way. The more time you spend with her, your feeling being what they are, the more likely you will feel more and more for her and sabotage yourself from ever meeting or noticing other women. Great advice norajane OP is in for a world of hurt hanging around too much. Get busy and date other girls , asap , before you end up endlessly waiting for something that isn't likely going to happen. She does like messing with your mind with the flirty stuff. I think she just wants to be made to feel attractive but she recoils at the idea of you and her being something. Leave the scene and be less available. Dont jump with excitement when your phone rings and its her.....Just keep busy ...and slowly lose those feelings... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelyisme Posted October 13, 2008 Author Share Posted October 13, 2008 Thank you everyone for the advice. I guess I have little choice in all of this so I will do as everyone suggest, leave her behind and move on. So, she asked me to go to the movies with her, and of course, I said yes and went. She never said it was a date, but IMO, on non-dates you don't expect the other person to pay your way into the movies. Though she did get popcorn and drinks ($14 compared to $12 to get in) I bought ice cream after words which she didn't offer anything, which was $6. In other words, I paid more for the evening than she did. So IMO, even though she never said it was a date, she wanted it to be. She talked the entire time, we watched the movie but other wise she seemed interested in communicating with me, she didn't sit with her arms crossed and mouth shut most certainly. When I dropped her off (I drove too) at her house, she barely said goodbye and that was the last I heard from her until a little bit ago when I got text message (after sending her 3 since last time I heard from her last night). Even though I messaged her last night, I didn't hear anything from her at all until almost 24 hours went by. She barely said anything other than she was going to bed soon and that was pretty much it. She confuses the hell out of me, and I am done trying to guess or second-guess what she wants or intends. I don't hate her nor will I ever, but I am finished with the back and fourth with her. I need friends to hang out with and honestly don't have anyone else right now, they all are either moved away, married, or too busy with their own lives. However, I guess being utterly lonely is my destiny. I know I have to pretty much pull back away from her, not that I have to blow her off or anything, but certainly no more "dates" LOL and no more talking to her until 2AM (which makes me very tired the next day). And NC for a while (say 2 weeks give or take a day or two) too. But I can't give her up as a friend, these feelings I can give up and let go of, but I need some time away from her for a bit to do that. However, she has become to important of a friend (I've told her things I never did anyone else and vice-versa too (I think)). So need that break to drop these feelings and then hopefully try to remain friends after. That said, no more being at her house after say 12 AM, and sorry to say no more dates or "going to the movies together". She can find a girl friend for that... P.S. This is so high school, LMAO... I'm 31, soon to be 32, was married for seven years--we were together for 11 all together, have four kids, my ex and I have remained friends believe it or not (I had to work at this, but we have remained friends), but yet, this person confusses me so bad it isn't even funny... I wish I could read minds and knew what the heck women were thinking... LOL Link to post Share on other sites
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