Are you happier?

[gullible]

Just a question for those that have divorced and had a hard time making the decision to divorce. Are you happier than you were when you were married?

[Ronni_W]

YES!!!

My divorce (and decision leading up to it) was probably the worst time of my life -- about 3 years, total. And there will likely also always be a part that is sad about it.

But, YES!!! It was the right decision (as I deep-down knew at the time.) I am glad that I trusted my Intuition, and didn't give in to my fears and confusion.

[HotCarl]

Oh heavens yes. Since the divorce I have been happier and more social. I like running my own life rather than trying to keep track of two (and being wrong more than right). When I was married I noticed some annual up-and-down patterns in my mood (related to holidays and birthdays), but now that I'm divorced the emotional dips have gone away.

 

When I was married I was on some allergy medication to live with her cats; after the divorce I found out that one med can cause feelings of depression and suicide. Do I know if that was my problem, or even part of my problem? No. Do I blame the meds? No. Right now I am drug free, cat free, wife free, and happy, and I wouldn't want to go back ever.

 

The best judge of major decisions like divorce (or marriage or moving or switching jobs etc.) is that "gut feeling". In my case my gut told me that it was time to get out of my marriage. And afterwards my gut tells me that it was right to get out. I hope I'm not making this sound easy or fun, because following through with the decision to get divorced is difficult, and actually getting divorced is a pain in the butt no matter how amicable the parties think they are.

 

My love life is non existent now, but who cares it was non existent for the last few years of being married too, so things haven't gotten any worse in that department!

 

My supportive friends and family members have taken me aside from time to time and told me I am "taking my divorce well". So apparently my new happiness is obvious to others too.

[lonelyisme]

Well she left me, not the other way around, and NO I am not happier. Divorce was final September 2006, we seperated September 2005. Haven't been happy since. If anything miss her as much as I did when she first left, I've just learned how to hide it...

[Nomad1]

It is never easy when there are children involved. It is a process and at various points the pressure lifts. Yes of course there are so many aspects in my life that are much better now. My career has taken off in the direction I have wanted it to for years. The relationship with my children has significantly improved. I look much better and dress much smarter. My love life is great. I just hope that my house sells soon!

 

It is multi-faceted!

 

Nomad1

[Mr. Lucky]

It is never easy when there are children involved. It is a process and at various points the pressure lifts. Yes of course there are so many aspects in my life that are much better now. My career has taken off in the direction I have wanted it to for years. The relationship with my children has significantly improved. I look much better and dress much smarter. My love life is great. I just hope that my house sells soon!

 

It is multi-faceted!

 

Nomad1

I agree. I think many would answer "Yes, but..."

 

In my case, the "but" would be simply that it took me a while to get there. It took a while to figure out my relationship with my son. It took a while to understand that I was still going to be involved as co-parents with my exW. It took a while to get over that weird feeling everytime I drove up to what used to be "our" house. It took a while to get comfortable living by myself. And it definitely took a while to get my finances back on track. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sumdude]

Too soon to say.. hasn't been a year since the divorce was final. She left me and it's usally harder in the dumped. No doubt things will turn around eventually.

[LakesideDream]

I'm seven years out from divorce now. My ex left after 25 years for her high school boyfriend. Am I happier now? No. There is much more to the answer than a single word answer though.

 

It's been long enough that I do no miss her anymore. Or.. love her, orwant her. Or need her. All that ended shortly after she moved out.

 

What I do miss is companionship. I miss the "highs" of the "good times". I miss being a part of something.

 

I don't miss the arguments, or the pain, or the sense that nothing was ever good enough.

 

Time does heal many wounds. A couple of years ago I realized that I had to really consentrate to remember the bad stuff, while the good stuff was right there up front. That was a real shock. Turns out it was a good thing though, smiling at a fun rememberance is always better than waking up thinking "I'm sad" every morning.

[White Flower]

I'm seven years out from divorce now. My ex left after 25 years for her high school boyfriend. Am I happier now? No. There is much more to the answer than a single word answer though.

 

It's been long enough that I do no miss her anymore. Or.. love her, orwant her. Or need her. All that ended shortly after she moved out.

 

What I do miss is companionship. I miss the "highs" of the "good times". I miss being a part of something.

 

I don't miss the arguments, or the pain, or the sense that nothing was ever good enough.

 

Time does heal many wounds. A couple of years ago I realized that I had to really consentrate to remember the bad stuff, while the good stuff was right there up front. That was a real shock. Turns out it was a good thing though, smiling at a fun rememberance is always better than waking up thinking "I'm sad" every morning.

I am touched that you have come so far. I am also very happy for you, LsD. You're in a much better place. I'm glad that most people get over it eventually.

[Curmudgeon]

I'm seven years out from divorce now. My ex left after 25 years for her high school boyfriend. Am I happier now? No. There is much more to the answer than a single word answer though.

 

It's been long enough that I do no miss her anymore. Or.. love her, orwant her. Or need her. All that ended shortly after she moved out.

 

What I do miss is companionship. I miss the "highs" of the "good times". I miss being a part of something.

 

I don't miss the arguments, or the pain, or the sense that nothing was ever good enough.

 

Time does heal many wounds. A couple of years ago I realized that I had to really consentrate to remember the bad stuff, while the good stuff was right there up front. That was a real shock. Turns out it was a good thing though, smiling at a fun rememberance is always better than waking up thinking "I'm sad" every morning.

 

I'd be lying if I said that there was nothing I missed about the ex. After all, we were married for 25 years. We share five children and five, soon to be six, grandchildren. We were raised on the same small island. Our parents knew one another. We had some of the same acquaintances. We first met when I was six and she was 18 months old.

 

What I miss is shared experiences growing up in the sense that I could mention a name or a particular store, a class of sail boats, a theater going back to the 50s and she'd know who or what I was talking about. That could be comforting since my parents both died almost 20 years ago and I can no longer ask them; nor do I have any siblings.

 

But do I miss her, the person? Not in the slightest.

 

Am I happier than I was when I was married to her? Certainly more so than I was in the latter stages of the marriage. I'm calmer, more relaxed, less driven. I have better relationships with my children, feel better about myself and generally have far less drama in my life than I would if she was still in it.

 

My life is by no means perfect, nor is my current marriage, but both are far better than what was and I'm generally content.

[D-Lish]

I don't think I am 100% happier- I miss the deep connection we had as best friends... but our sexual life had become non-existant.

 

My ex and I had simply fallen out of love with one another... but we had a solid foundation of friendship and mutual respect that I miss a lot.

 

I truly think I am better off being alone than being in a loveless marriage.

I'm lonley sometimes- which is something I am often aware of. I'd say that is the toughest part of being single again.

 

I am close to 6 years after leaving him and I haven't been able to make a strong connection with someone since then. So, believe me when I say divorcing someone is tough- but I wouldn't change my decision.

[LakesideDream]

I don't think I am 100% happier- I miss the deep connection we had as best friends... but our sexual life had become non-existant.

 

My ex and I had simply fallen out of love with one another... but we had a solid foundation of friendship and mutual respect that I miss a lot.

 

I truly think I am better off being alone than being in a loveless marriage.

I'm lonley sometimes- which is something I am often aware of. I'd say that is the toughest part of being single again.

 

I am close to 6 years after leaving him and I haven't been able to make a strong connection with someone since then. So, believe me when I say divorcing someone is tough- but I wouldn't change my decision.

 

 

D-lish, I couldn't agree more with the bolded part of your post. In my case I don't believe there was anything I could do to keep my marriage from eventually dissolving. Outside pressure doomed the marriage 25 years before it finally collasped.

 

At the time I would not have described my marriage as "loveless" as I was deeply in love with my now ex wife. We got along fine, the romance had increased in intensity, and the sex was still getting better. Alas, she loved someone else more. She wanted the OM too.

 

In many ways it was a relief when it ended. I was able to relax, and stop being the best husband, partner, provider, and lover I could be. It was an uphill battle that I didn't know I could not win... at the time.

 

While no longer sad about the outcome. It is very unpleasant living with the knowledge that I literally wasted half my life in a marriage doomed to failure from the beginning.

[White Flower]

D-lish, I couldn't agree more with the bolded part of your post. In my case I don't believe there was anything I could do to keep my marriage from eventually dissolving. Outside pressure doomed the marriage 25 years before it finally collasped.

 

At the time I would not have described my marriage as "loveless" as I was deeply in love with my now ex wife. We got along fine, the romance had increased in intensity, and the sex was still getting better. Alas, she loved someone else more. She wanted the OM too.

 

In many ways it was a relief when it ended. I was able to relax, and stop being the best husband, partner, provider, and lover I could be. It was an uphill battle that I didn't know I could not win... at the time.

 

While no longer sad about the outcome. It is very unpleasant living with the knowledge that I literally wasted half my life in a marriage doomed to failure from the beginning.

But don't you think that with all of the lessons learned that you are now a better person? Don't dwell on being the victim. Look to the future now and make it great. I promise to do the same.

[LakesideDream]

But don't you think that with all of the lessons learned that you are now a better person? Don't dwell on being the victim. Look to the future now and make it great. I promise to do the same.

 

 

WF, I've never been a victim! And I don't believe I ever felt that way. I felt I was wronged. I lost.

 

As for being a "better person", I'm not sure that it matters. Furthermore, wasn't I a "better person" when I was fully engaged in providing for my family, with two children. Being protector, and role model? Confidant and security for two helpless little people?

 

That was my finest hour. Protecting my children from the consequences of a premature divorce from their mother. My ex was not a very good mother. She was much to involved in her own life to be 100% invested in theirs. I realized this early on. She was never the Mama Bear. I always knew that that was my job. HIndsight proved me correct.

 

She wasn't a "Bad" mother either. She just wasn't cut out to be a good or great one. Childhood trama had left her incapable of deep emotion with any of us. It took a long time for this to become clear.

 

I was built to be a father (abet a gruff, strict, teddy bear dad) and a husband. My success was being the leader of a team. When the team broke up (kids were adults) there was no longer a reason for my ex to stay. She exited as soon as her and her lover could arrainge it. She didn't need the stregnth and security I brought to the table anymore. She needed to be young again, a teenager in love. She fully accomplished her goal.

 

No, I don't think I'm a better person now. I believe I'm different, more guarded, more careful, less open and accomodating. Before I viewed what was "possible" and reached for it. Now, I am cautious, fearful of what "could" happen, and defend myself first. Yes people do change.

[White Flower]

WF, I've never been a victim! And I don't believe I ever felt that way. I felt I was wronged. I lost.

 

As for being a "better person", I'm not sure that it matters. Furthermore, wasn't I a "better person" when I was fully engaged in providing for my family, with two children. Being protector, and role model? Confidant and security for two helpless little people?

 

That was my finest hour. Protecting my children from the consequences of a premature divorce from their mother. My ex was not a very good mother. She was much to involved in her own life to be 100% invested in theirs. I realized this early on. She was never the Mama Bear. I always knew that that was my job. HIndsight proved me correct.

 

She wasn't a "Bad" mother either. She just wasn't cut out to be a good or great one. Childhood trama had left her incapable of deep emotion with any of us. It took a long time for this to become clear.

 

I was built to be a father (abet a gruff, strict, teddy bear dad) and a husband. My success was being the leader of a team. When the team broke up (kids were adults) there was no longer a reason for my ex to stay. She exited as soon as her and her lover could arrainge it. She didn't need the stregnth and security I brought to the table anymore. She needed to be young again, a teenager in love. She fully accomplished her goal.

 

No, I don't think I'm a better person now. I believe I'm different, more guarded, more careful, less open and accomodating. Before I viewed what was "possible" and reached for it. Now, I am cautious, fearful of what "could" happen, and defend myself first. Yes people do change.

Hmm. I suppose I expect all people to understand that 'better' can mean enlightened, stronger, more knowledgable, etc. You have more experience now to, yes, guard and protect yourself. And yes, you were a great person then and did not deserve what you got but I do believe all of us, if we continue to learn and grow and refuse stagnation, get better over time.

 

I am concerned that you say that you are less open and accomodating now. Don't let the one bite make you twice as shy.

 

You know I've been through hell lately but I won't hold back from giving my best to my future love just because I've been bitten.

[2sunny]

i am much happier now than when i was married for those 20 years.

 

it wasn't always a happy mindset after the divorce... i had to get used to the idea of not having the other half of myself around. that was very odd.

 

now i embrace the change. i can do what i want when i want.

 

i can make decisions that are all my own. i can enjoy the company of others without feeling rushed or hurried.

 

i can live again - on my own terms. it is now like freedom... and happy!

[sunshinegirl]

WF, I've never been a victim! And I don't believe I ever felt that way. I felt I was wronged. I lost.

 

As for being a "better person", I'm not sure that it matters. Furthermore, wasn't I a "better person" when I was fully engaged in providing for my family, with two children. Being protector, and role model? Confidant and security for two helpless little people?

 

That was my finest hour. Protecting my children from the consequences of a premature divorce from their mother. My ex was not a very good mother. She was much to involved in her own life to be 100% invested in theirs. I realized this early on. She was never the Mama Bear. I always knew that that was my job. HIndsight proved me correct.

 

She wasn't a "Bad" mother either. She just wasn't cut out to be a good or great one. Childhood trama had left her incapable of deep emotion with any of us. It took a long time for this to become clear.

 

I was built to be a father (abet a gruff, strict, teddy bear dad) and a husband. My success was being the leader of a team. When the team broke up (kids were adults) there was no longer a reason for my ex to stay. She exited as soon as her and her lover could arrainge it. She didn't need the stregnth and security I brought to the table anymore. She needed to be young again, a teenager in love. She fully accomplished her goal.

 

No, I don't think I'm a better person now. I believe I'm different, more guarded, more careful, less open and accomodating. Before I viewed what was "possible" and reached for it. Now, I am cautious, fearful of what "could" happen, and defend myself first. Yes people do change.

 

I don't mean to threadjack but the two bolded statements stood out to me. LD, do you think your ex feels deep emotions toward the OM? Hers was a very long term affair, right? Over most of the years of your marriage?

[LakesideDream]

Sunshinegirl, The ex Lost both her parents within six months when she was ten. While she learned to hide that trauma, she never overcame it.

 

And yes, leaving with her LT BF allowed her to turn back the clock 25 years to a more carefree time, without the responsibilities, or all the "baggage" of a 25 year marriage.

[GreenEyedLady]

Just a question for those that have divorced and had a hard time making the decision to divorce. Are you happier than you were when you were married?

 

I have been fully divorced for three and half years. I was married almost 6 years, with only the first year being somewhat happy. I made my plan to leave, but it took 2 years before I was finally able to do it. I had to finish graduate school and secure employment so I could take care of my babies as a single parent.

 

I am so happy now. The divorce helped ignite the changes in me that helped me become the person I am now. It wasn't until divorcing that I started my journey on becoming the person I was meant to be.

 

And my XH is happy also. We have a civil, even friendly relationship now. We were not meant to be married. But we made beautiful, wonderful, amazing children. And I forgive him.

 

Life goes on. Stay married and you will already know how it will be if no changes are made. Divorce and your options are unlimited.

 

Not to say that D is the answer for everyone. But if you're here asking this question, I can already see that you're not satisfied and you don't think you should be.

 

It's your life. What do you think you should settle for?

[OpenBook]

The answer to your question is a resounding YES I'M WAY HAPPIER NOW!!!:bunny: But I went through hell to get here. I wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy. I was a complete basket-case for 3 years after I split with my ex. (My family disagrees with me... but I really was!) Didn't know which end was up. Had to move away - as in, out-of-state - before I could really start to turn the boat around.

 

It's been over 20 years. I never remarried. I've had some delightful LTR's (and some outstanding STR's as well!!) and I am content in the knowledge that I've lived a full life. And I have a beautiful daughter to show for it.:love:

 

All things considered, I just don't think I'm cut out for marriage. I don't handle entrapment very well.:D

[Lizzie60]

Just a question for those that have divorced and had a hard time making the decision to divorce. Are you happier than you were when you were married?

 

 

Yes.. a lot happier..

[sumdude]

No, I don't think I'm a better person now. I believe I'm different, more guarded, more careful, less open and accomodating. Before I viewed what was "possible" and reached for it. Now, I am cautious, fearful of what "could" happen, and defend myself first. Yes people do change.

 

This struck a chord with me. I find myself feeling the same way at the moment.. the possibilty of a new relationship makes me wonder if I could ever give and let loose the way I did with my ex. Dive into the pool without sticking my toes in the water. I think part of it is being once bitten.. the other is I'm that a bit older and more caution comes with age usually. Funny thing is that I don't know if I won't really trust another again or just don't trust myself.

 

The time I was with her when it was good.. it was a deep and intense love that I have no doubt at all we both felt at the time. Something like that may never come my way again but at this point I am starting to see some of the wisdom of the old phrase "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." The lows of the divorce were intense because the highs of the love were too.

[mental_traveller]

Seems to be almost no one who regrets deciding to divorce.

 

I would ask - with hindsight, do you wish you had got divorced earlier?

[Lizzie60]

Seems to be almost no one who regrets deciding to divorce.

 

I would ask - with hindsight, do you wish you had got divorced earlier?

 

Yes.. big time.. I should have left him 12 years earlier..

[White Flower]

Seems to be almost no one who regrets deciding to divorce.

 

I would ask - with hindsight, do you wish you had got divorced earlier?

A resounding yes. I'd have a lot more money if I left when we had it. And I would be younger and may have found someone by now.