Does marriage kill passion???

[LakesideDream]

Hmm. You work on the charm and the cooking and I'll bring the bottle of wine. Sound fair?

 

What is charming about you LsD, is your honesty and self-introspection. No man on LS is willing to observe himself more than you for self-improvement.

 

 

Hey watch it, I'm an excellent cook, with years of practice. My downfall in the kitchen is not cooking things I can't pronounce!

 

If I had an audiance who appreciated the effort, I'd try though.

 

Charm, I'm really gonna have to think about that. Think Gunny would have some cogent advice? I always trust Gunnery Sargents.

[Lyssa]

And as far as being "too lazy" to bring passion back. I don't know that you can work to bring that feeling back. It is either there or it isn't. My ex husband tried vacations, gifts and everything he could to restore our passion and I still didn't feel anything at all. It just wasn't there anymore. It is like buying love. It just can't be bought.

 

Really?? Owh mann...

[SerenityX2]

I'm also firmly on the side that marriage does not kill passion.

 

I also relate to the "charmers" as that is my exH, and for him passion does fade and he needs new and exiting to keep the adreline rush. So obviously there is that percentage of the population prob male and female.

 

My H and I both are on the same page that passion takes work, not blood, sweat and tears work, but nurturing and always keeping it on the forefront work. We make sure that we make the "us" time. Both of us feel that passion does not have to die if you make time for it and keep the fire burning, but if even one of you isn't on the same page...well there you go, a recipe for drifting apart, because life stuff gets in the way.

 

We also do most things together, inc cooking... even mundane things like grocery shop. We have a strong passion for other things in life and also life in general, just the beauty of being outdoors. And whether that's the beach or mountains or anywhere in between and whether it's enjoying a simple walk or picnic- on -the- grass -jazz concert or country music or art festival it's all good. The point is we genuinely enjoy being with each other.

 

We also don't use DS still living here as an excuse to not be intimate. Even though it's a small house we still don't let that inhibit us. He now sees a marriage full of love and passion. Not saying that we put on a "show" for him, but we are openly affectionate and do somewhat "tease" on the sly in front of him. I think it's a big mistake that couples will say that they can't because of the kids...it's an excuse.

 

There's nothing wrong with kids understanding that intimacy is a huge part of a healthy marriage and when expressed, is a key of communication and bonding. I also don't understand why some couples for lack of a better term, stop seducing one another...it's FUN...it doesn't have to stop unless even one of that couple wants it to.

 

I had a thread a loooong time ago about keeping passion alive in the marriage forum, but it fell on deaf ears b/c it does seem that many married people do let time erode that and that's a shame.

 

I see many on this forum still having that hope and looking for something better in someone the next time around and I'd like to think it does help to tell them it exists with the right person.

 

ITA with the others that say laziness will kill the passion. It definintely does not have to be that way.

[OpenBook]

I'm also firmly on the side that marriage does not kill passion.

 

Didn't you recently remarry, Serenity? That's one way to keep the passion alive!!

[White Flower]

Hey watch it, I'm an excellent cook, with years of practice. My downfall in the kitchen is not cooking things I can't pronounce!

 

If I had an audiance who appreciated the effort, I'd try though.

 

Charm, I'm really gonna have to think about that. Think Gunny would have some cogent advice? I always trust Gunnery Sargents.

I can speak a little French. I'll read the directions and drink a glass of wine while you cook. Sound fair?

 

For the sake of this thread I'll ask if this would bring the passion back into a marriage. Don't want to be accused of t/j.

[Tripper]

I also don't understand why some couples for lack of a better term, stop seducing one another...it's FUN...it doesn't have to stop unless even one of that couple wants it to.

 

I had a thread a loooong time ago about keeping passion alive in the marriage forum, but it fell on deaf ears b/c it does seem that many married people do let time erode that and that's a shame.

 

I see many on this forum still having that hope and looking for something better in someone the next time around and I'd like to think it does help to tell them it exists with the right person.

 

S, this is so true. I personally believe with the right person you have the passion. The trick is not to let it erode and die.. Once gone it's very hard to regain... maybe impossible

[SerenityX2]

Didn't you recently remarry, Serenity? That's one way to keep the passion alive!!

 

 

2.5 years married, been together 3 years almost to the day! So yes, easy quick math says we met and 6mos later married. We just "knew" I heard people say that before too, and seriously thought wtf?? How can you "know" and really know it's forever etc... Well I guess it's one of those things that until and unless it happens to you...

 

Seriously it keeps getting better. I had been divorced for over 12 years and he for 8, he raised his daughter on his own for 5 years and put his own life on hold for her well being, it's one of the factors that I have immense respect for. Both of us knew exactly what we wanted and neither of us was going to "settle" so for both of us, if it didn't happen it didn't happen, it's not like it's a fear of being "alone so we gravitated to one another" type of things. We are older though and I think that's a big influence to the "just knowing" he just turned 52 and I will be 44 in Oct. (yes, and I still went back to nursing school!)

 

Here's the thing though. Both of us "thought" we had passion for ex's..in other words we are passionate people by nature and thought we had married such the 1st time. Both of our ex's are thrill seekers however which can be confused for passion. I met many guys and dated quite a few that thought when I said I was passionate that = sex Rather simplistic as it's so much more...and those people (I think) that do think x = y are more apt to keeping searching for a different adreline rush, or settle for comfortable and let passion die. See for us, passion = all things in life including love but not exclusive if that makes sense lol.

 

Here's a quick example of my exh, we went away to vegas once for a long weekend getaway, I thought we'd use the time to get "lost in one another" etc...(we'd been married 4 years at that point but together total for 8) I still never lost that "drive" or want or "passion" because it was who I was...however I sadly never realized how unfulfilled that was based on our mismatch, I never realized how good it could be with the right person. Anyway he had different ideas, he was somewhat moping that trip because just 2 days earlier the big satellite "dish" was delivered and he wanted to stay and play with his new "toy":rolleyes: rather than me:laugh: We had a huge blow out on that trip, one of our many another of those red flags that I chose to ignore because he convinced me that if we love with passion, you'll fight with equal passion That's utter b.s

 

Now my husband and I can make the most out of being locked in a room, no trip needed, we can fall into a sleepy lovemaking in t-shirt and sweats. Whereas my exh always needed "stuff" I mean I had to be dressed to the nines (hookerish though) with hair teased out, make up, earrings (no kidding, long rhinestone earrings is that playboy cheesy or what?) There always had to be a bit of drama or "on stage" that had to be present. I think much of that is he was addicted to porn, and needed me to be that as well...whereas my husband has no interest in that whatsoever, it's a btdt for him and he tells me he loves the "movie reels" that I give him in his head for the work day.

 

That's what I mean, we talk during the day and entice each other about turn ons and what transpired last night/that morning whatever and you can't help but get revved for "again!" Sure we do the planned out long massages and candles and stuff, but sometimes there's no time for that but there's always time for a shower (you need to shower right? sorry I'm a huge water fan...rain esp ...but just water infact some girls want the bigger diamonds...not me, I'm holding out for the fantastic bathroom with walk in shower WITH benches that he's building...I know I'm weird) anyway or if not that just "sleepy sex." I dunno I guess we are high wired it's not the end all be all...but it is huge and I suppose it is part of our success.

 

So although it may be considered relatively new...it's very, very different from not only my exh but also guys I dated. It's glaringly obvious and I have heard of other such couples, maybe rare but it's out there. But you've hit on something before, I don't think "those" people for the most part are on message boards so you may not realize they're out there. Right now he's out stacking wood with my son and neighbor or I wouldn't be here, but he did say he wanted to get to the park later on with our dog. Weekends are usually for us as a family but somethings can't be helped. As I've said, I'm not sure how long or if I will stick around, this board both intrigues me (why on earth women are doing this to themselves when they have the potential to take back their lives) and saddens me, see I really do just want to help...but I'm not sure my brand is helping. Others do it so much better.

 

I had to respond when I saw this though. Because I think that is a misconception out there that the majority of M's suck. I think that has to go with false expectations (weren't really who you portrayed yourself to be and the mask fell off) or boredom which to me, is self inflicted. My husband has never changed once from who he said he was to who he really is. There's no "impressing" one another even from the beginning. That's what I mean when I've described us as an ease but fused with an electricity. I am damn blessed and I know it...even more so that he feels the same and is man enough to tell me instead of ever having me guess.

 

Sorry this was so long, probably more than what you wanted to hear!

 

Take care

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Have you ever been married, DNR?

 

Never been married. But have learned a lot of what I should do and should not do in a marriage or relationship. I first and foremost God for passing on His wisdom to me in this matter. I thank my friends and family who I constantly learn things from, but by asking and by observing. And I've learned a lot from the people hear and other places where I seek and give advice and let off some steam.

 

 

DNR

[OpenBook]

I'm glad to read about your newfound happiness, Serenity, and Tripper, and others who are happily coupled. I hope you all defy the odds and your M's remain happy (and passionate!) as the years go by.

 

It will be a great rarity if that happens.

[Tripper]

I'm glad to read about your newfound happiness, Serenity, and Tripper, and others who are happily coupled. I hope you all defy the odds and your M's remain happy (and passionate!) as the years go by.

 

It will be a great rarity if that happens.

 

Thank you OB. Both of us had long term 1st M, and we both were single for about 5 years.

 

It does take work but we both realize that what we have together is so much better than what we had apart. And that makes all the difference...

[Curmudgeon]

Never been married. But have learned a lot of what I should do and should not do in a marriage or relationship. I first and foremost God for passing on His wisdom to me in this matter. I thank my friends and family who I constantly learn things from, but by asking and by observing. And I've learned a lot from the people hear and other places where I seek and give advice and let off some steam.

 

Marriage is not something you can learn from a book, others' experiences or any other way than direct, personal involvement and relationship.

 

You may be able to gleen some ideas but it's still a sterile environment until you jump in with both feet and take on marriage with a person you love. Because you're dealing with a person and are one yourself, every marriage is different -- just as different as the two partners are from any other two anywhere else.

[Curmudgeon]

2.5 years married, been together 3 years almost to the day! So yes, easy quick math says we met and 6mos later married. We just "knew" I heard people say that before too, and seriously thought wtf?? How can you "know" and really know it's forever etc... Well I guess it's one of those things that until and unless it happens to you...

 

Seriously it keeps getting better. I had been divorced for over 12 years and he for 8, he raised his daughter on his own for 5 years and put his own life on hold for her well being, it's one of the factors that I have immense respect for. Both of us knew exactly what we wanted and neither of us was going to "settle" so for both of us, if it didn't happen it didn't happen, it's not like it's a fear of being "alone so we gravitated to one another" type of things. We are older though and I think that's a big influence to the "just knowing" he just turned 52 and I will be 44 in Oct. (yes, and I still went back to nursing school!)

 

We had been work friends for five years. She'd been divorced for 18 raising her two daughters with no support of any kind from theior father and I'd been divorced for two years. Thankfully, we no longer worked for the same agency.

 

I asked her out and two months later we were married. That was 12 years ago. Back then she was 48 and I was 50. Neither of us needed another person or had really even thought of one. We were each quite comfortable being single. It simply became clear that in some significant ways we enhanced one another and at that point, being together was a richer experience than being apart. It still is.

[OpenBook]

It simply became clear that in some significant ways we enhanced one another and at that point, being together was a richer experience than being apart. It still is.

 

I'm glad to hear you're staying the course, Curm, especially in light of your recent "bumps in the road." Is your W back at home now? Marriage definitely ain't no bed o' roses, I know that one for sure!!

[OWoman]

I think I will "re-think" the above. This "charmer" thing has me intrigued. I don't have much talent in that area. I'll have to work on that.

 

 

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: Speaks the man who had all the LS women eating out of his hand on his other thread... :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

[OpenBook]

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: Speaks the man who had all the LS women eating out of his hand on his other thread... :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

Yeah, I was just about to tell him and WF to get a room. Actually, that would be an excellent match.

[White Flower]

Yeah, I was just about to tell him and WF to get a room. Actually, that would be an excellent match.

White Flower is turning pink with blushing:love:

[SerenityX2]

We had been work friends for five years. She'd been divorced for 18 raising her two daughters with no support of any kind from theior father and I'd been divorced for two years. Thankfully, we no longer worked for the same agency.

 

I asked her out and two months later we were married. That was 12 years ago. Back then she was 48 and I was 50. Neither of us needed another person or had really even thought of one. We were each quite comfortable being single. It simply became clear that in some significant ways we enhanced one another and at that point, being together was a richer experience than being apart. It still is.

 

Very cool! I know it does exist, and you captured it beautifully...we "enhance" one another....not "complete" and there is a difference, we came to the r'ship whole as well, that's why I'm very skepitical of a r'ship working out when there was no healing from the previous. In my experience you can't just jump into another one, let alone ride the coat tails of one to another...but that's me, I suppose for others it's a YMMV thing.

 

It's hard work raising kids, but for a guy to actually put his whole dating life on hold for 5 years to do what's best (DD was 10 when her mom deserted). She became rather big in volleyball so he kept himself busy with that. He started dating again when she was 15 and went through his share of tumultious dating experiences for a little over 2 years then no one for about 4/6 mos then we met. It's not easy as a women I'd imagine can be harder as a guy he says his drum kit kept him sane...it was his release at the time:p Good thing he can actually drum!

 

I have much respect for people who do raise their kids on their own, I have btdt and though not easy, it beat being with the wrong person by a long shot. And yes, I'd much rather had continued being alone if I wouldn't have met my H. And if he would have been otherwise taken, I would have taken that as a definite "he's not the one" or "not meant to be" as I could never cause another pain for my own happiness, but again, that's just me.

 

Thanks for sharing your lovely story. Many happy years together to come;)

[OWoman]

Seems that those who have passionate marriages that have lasted are second time rounders - either on a second marriage, or recommitted after some event (like an A) in their first.

 

Makes sense to me....

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Marriage is not something you can learn from a book, others' experiences or any other way than direct, personal involvement and relationship.

 

You may be able to gleen some ideas but it's still a sterile environment until you jump in with both feet and take on marriage with a person you love. Because you're dealing with a person and are one yourself, every marriage is different -- just as different as the two partners are from any other two anywhere else.

 

Hmmmm. A lot of friends of mine have taken my ideas despite my lack of marriage and being in a relationship to heart and it worked out... So, I think I have some thing there.

 

I do consider myself a little better equipped for marriage. But, the only truth is when I am put through the fires. So you have some partial correctness to your statement. But, then again, a lot more people learn what not to do and what to do WELL before they get married. It is just a matter of now fine tuning that knowledge to your relationship.

 

 

DNR

[OWoman]

Marriage is not something you can learn from a book, others' experiences or any other way than direct, personal involvement and relationship.

 

You may be able to gleen some ideas but it's still a sterile environment until you jump in with both feet and take on marriage with a person you love. Because you're dealing with a person and are one yourself, every marriage is different -- just as different as the two partners are from any other two anywhere else.

 

I have to agree with this.

 

Personally, I expected M to be like any other R, and pretty much up to what the two parties themselves ascribed to it and how they defined it. WRONG!!! M comes with a whole load of societal baggage and expectation and pressure and all kinds of outside interference that was impossible to anticipate, and nor was it possible to anticipate how either of us, or us together as a unit, would respond to some of that uninvited stuff. It was nothing I could have learned second-hand from friends or family or books or the sky pixie of my choice. Steep learning curve stuff!

 

I guess it's similar to flying. I for one would not trust a pilot whose only "experience" had been on a flight simulator, no matter how high he scored on the theory. Or a surgeon holding a scalpel for the first time, no matter how good his exam marks. There's no substitute for experience.

[Curmudgeon]

Thanks. She's back home from the residential recovery program and was doing great. Then her mother died last month and that threw her off. Now she's back on.

 

One day at a time and we'll see how it goes tomorrow. Today I'm here!

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I wish you and your wife strength and courage like the lion you so display as your avatar.

 

 

DNR

[Curmudgeon]

I wish you and your wife strength and courage like the lion you so display as your avatar.

 

Very kind and much appreciated, DNR.

[angie2443]

Hmmmm. A lot of friends of mine have taken my ideas despite my lack of marriage and being in a relationship to heart and it worked out... So, I think I have some thing there.

 

I do consider myself a little better equipped for marriage. But, the only truth is when I am put through the fires. So you have some partial correctness to your statement. But, then again, a lot more people learn what not to do and what to do WELL before they get married. It is just a matter of now fine tuning that knowledge to your relationship.

 

 

DNR

 

I've read a few of your post. I think you have many good ideas on how to make a marriage work. Just marry someone who shares your same values:).

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I'll have to get into the dating scene first. But, thank you. I try to help.

 

 

DNR